This choice: Candy, obviously. What, did you think there needed to be any other options? • Go Back... You obviously pop a candy in your mouth, but before you can say anything your son yells, "STOP IT DAD!"
You pop the candy back out of your mouth into your hand so you can say, "What?"
Donovan sighs and puts his hand on his head. "No, no, no," he says. "It just doesn't work that way."
"Work what way?" you ask, nervously putting the candy down.
He sits you down on the bed, clears his throat, and starts talking.
"You were obviously about to say the exact words 'I wish Kate Smith were my girlfriend.' There are three very obvious things wrong with that - that is, if you understand how the candies work. The first and simplest is that it's the wrong color candy. Different colors grant different types of wishes. If you want a romantically-oriented wish, you need to use a pink candy.
"Secondly, the candies are often unpredictable. If you don't word your wish right, it might be granted in a way you didn't expect but which comes natural to the candies. If you've studied them for as long as I have, you know that the wish you were trying to make, even done on the right candy, would be granted by analyzing your girlfriend and causing Kate Smith to take on characteristics of her. Since you don't have a girlfriend, there are no characteristics for Mom to take on, so she will simply cease to exist - to become 'nobody', who is presently your girlfriend.
"Thirdly, even if you worded it properly, making wishes which involve the emotions of others is extremely risky. It wouldn't result in anything resembling emotional stability for any involved parties, and the last thing we need on a desperate quest to save Missouri is emotional instability. In short, you have to become her girlfriend 'the normal way' - by asking her.
"Now, to divulge in-depth into the inner workings of the candies..."
Half an hour later, you are a master of the candies.
You now need to become your crush's girlfriend 'the normal way'.
You start your quest the way any hero would - by eating breakfast with your family.
Nobody questions the quest you casually mention, nor do they doubt the identity of your friend. After they each faint, revive, and look quizzically at your $30, that is.
Now that you're not hungry, you may begin your extremely heroic crushquest.
How do you go about this momentous lovefeat?  indicates the next chapter needs to be written. |
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