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Review #4050758
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Review by Charlie ~ Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: | (4.0)
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Hello, etbennett. My name is Charlie and I'm happy to welcome you to the site with a review today. If you have any questions or need help navigating the site, feel free to email me. Keep in mind that the following is just one reader's opinion. I am not a professional and you know your writing best. If you find something helpful here, use it. If you don't, feel free to disregard this review completely. *Peace2*

*Jackolantern* Title, Hook, and Formatting: I feel like the title in this one is quite important in order to understand the ending. I like one word titles because they stand out well. It's also the perfect time of year for a supernatural story like this one. The first paragraph didn't quite catch my attention, it wasn't until the second paragraph where we learned the character's name and met a new character that I felt the story really take off.

*Jackolantern* Best Bits: The best part for me was the slow reveal of who exactly Julie was and what the other woman was talking about. I liked when she talked about Helen who was happy over at the library. It started coming together that Julie and the other women were ghosts amongst the living. That's why no one ever talks to Julie and she's in the waiting room every day.

I also like where you chose to have her. A waiting room is sort of symbolic of the in between stage Julie has been her entire life. On a personal note, I can't imagine a place I'd like to haunt less than a waiting room. Imagine all the sick people you'd see every day. Yuck. I'm going to hang with Helen in the library. *Laugh*

*Jackolantern* Possible Suggestions: I'm pretty sure I understand the story, but I'm not sure if it's going to be clear to everyone. If they don't pay attention to the title and genre tags, it might be easy to get confused about why the woman reacted the way she did. From what I can tell, Julie's parents died in a fire and her mother was most likely pregnant at the time of death, so Julie's 'life' has been spent in the hospital. That's what I gathered as a reader anyway, if that isn't what you meant to be taken away from it, you may want to edit and make the main points a bit more clear. I sort of like trying to figure out what's going on in a story though, so it's not much of an issue for me.

I would suggest introducing Julie by name in the first paragraph. The use of pronouns before her proper introduction didn't feel like a strong kickstart to the story. The grammar is good for the most part. I noticed a couple small things, like the change of verb tense in, It didn't matter if it was polite or not. There are no rules, after all. Didn't matter is past tense where there are is present tense.

*Jackolantern* Summary: This was an interesting little story. It was cool to figure out who and what the characters really were. I think there may be some confusion with a couple vague parts in the story. Thanks again for sharing with us.

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