Hello

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing.

Title: Short and sweet. The subtitle could be worded without the comma. In fact, you might consider if "who" would be best left out a well. Just a thought.

Initial Reaction: I tend to scan a piece as a whole, and first noticed how the story was divided by paragraphs. As I read, I looked to see what effect you may have used them, and it worked.

Setting: Not sure if you were bound by a word count, but you could have added more depth by letting us know where you were during the events.

Character Development: Now here you have done a good job with descriptions. I get a good idea of how terrifying the boy is to the main character, and can sense her fear. Good work.

Plot: A little bit of a twist, and it certainly wasn't apparent from the start where you were going. It was a nice dip into the crazy pool of the mind, so I got a kick out of it.

Ending: I had a glimmer, but the last paragraph came on quite well. Since that's the point of a mystery, nice job.

Line-by-line and Suggestions: Not a bunch to put out for you here. I'm a comma hog, so I try and weed them when I can. You might edit being mindful to drop a few and create more sentences. Oh, just one other minor detail. I'd put Really good games, in para #4 in quotes. All I got!


Happy Writing!

Mastiff