%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4470427 |
 |  | Malaco Malone  [18+] A young girl is abducted, but then... - 2nd Place Distorted Minds Contest April 2017  |
| (3.0)| **Image Unavailable** Hi Christopher Roy Denton , hi friend! I hope you're well!I'm just dashing through with a review! Plot/Premise I love, love, love the plot of this story! Who would ever think to suspect a young child? Very clever! My one complaint is this ended! I realize this was originally written for a contest but I would love to see this as a long form short story, a novella, or a novel. As she grows, she could become better and better, with the FBI always one or a few steps behind. Character(s) I love Malaco's character for her diabolical twisted personality. What an excellent antagonist! Steve, the protagonist, is slow to catch on but soon is filled in by Dr. Schwartz, albeit too little too late it seems. (See below for HIPAA details). Dialogue I love the use of dialogue in this. You don't take the easier route of exposition to tell us this story and it makes this so much richer. I also love how clearly the characters come through in the dialogue, especially the little girl. I was particularly hooked when the interview went "strange". GMC GMC: Goal, Motivation, Conflict is what drives characters and your story forward. There's multiple GMCs present in this short story. You have Steve's goal which is to catch the child before she hurts anyone else (motivation), but he ultimately fails to do so (conflict/failed goal). Malaco's goal is to escape so she can find a daddy and fulfill her need for love (motivation), which she ultimately does. I love how Malaco exploits the systems inherent weaknesses - delectable! All in all, excellent, complex, layered, but easy to understand! Setting & Description The settings are well described without being overly done. I loved all the pictures you painted with words. Word Choices Again, this is excellent. I would point out the use of a LOT of adverbs which could possibly be trimmed. I will leave you to make the choices you feel appropriate. Some of the uses are necessary and relevant, others not so much. Show/Don't Tell / The Dream This is one of the highlights of the piece - you didn't deviate at all from show don't tell and that really makes this story great! Tips, Tricks, & Tidbits - In the opening paragraph there are flies but flies don't actually like smoke. Here's a resource I found about this: https://www.fliesonly.com/how-to-get-rid-of-flies/ In general flies hate smoke, but when the smoke is from a citronella candle or a piece of camphor then it becomes doubly effective against them. Ok, so there's a HUGE HIPAA violation here on the part of Dr. Schwartz. Psychiatric records and information are doubly protected. Here's a link to a brief article detailing HIPAA and law enforcement. While much of what you detail here is acceptable, I think it would add a nice complexity if the doctor were hesitant in giving up some of this information, if he's uncertain about what to share. He has to address the imminent threat, certainly, but it would be very appropriate for him to be unsure how far he can go in disclosing privileged information, especially for that of a 7 year old child with severe mental illness. The complexity of the situation isn't really detailed there and should be. https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/ocr/privacy/hipaa/understanding/special/... In particular, there are limits to what all can be disclosed. Here's the two elements that would apply here: To report PHI to a law enforcement official reasonably able to prevent or lessen a serious and imminent threat to the health or safety of an individual or the public. To respond to a request for PHI for purposes of identifying or locating a suspect, fugitive, material witness or missing person, but the information must be limited to basic demographic and health information about the person. In the instance you present, they already know where the suspect is (within the police building) so this information would have to be much more limited. This issue could actually provide an additional opportunity for her to escape AND be something that after making a proper request with a warrant etc, he finds out much more about the child's history. Perhaps he gets involved with the FBI or goes on a personal crusade of his own to capture her, regardless of the FBI which creates new entanglements for him, personally and professionally. There is SO much you could do here, I really hope you'll keep going with it. I for one, am dying to read more! I've given this a 3.0 because I feel it's not finished and there's much more that can be done here. Also, for the HIPAA issue and flies. The flies in particular because I had to go look it up to verify.  If you decide to work on this, I'd love to read more! If I can help in any way, please let me know. Big hugs to you my friend! Gotta run, but this was fun! Need a review? Submit a bitem link to "Invalid Item" Need something to review? Access my portfolio showcase here. Items are ordered newest to oldest in each category:
    ** Image ID #2177703 Unavailable ** Join us on Discord for real-time chats!: https://discordapp.com/invite/Wa8sgg8  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 02/24/2019 @ 12:02pm EST