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Review #4569152
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Review by Charlie ~ Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: | (4.0)
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Hello Satuawany Author Icon,

I'm Charlie ~ Author IconMail Icon and I've selected your item, "Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor , for reviewing today. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away. *Wink*

*Icecream* General Thoughts: Nice dark poem here. What I really like about this poem is the imagery. You stayed consistent with metaphors that conjured up images of knotty boards, eroded edges, and cut outs. It reminded me of those children's toys where you try to get the shape into the correct hole. I also know the video for "Schism" so that probably helps build the imagery a lot. *Laugh* It's interesting the ways we make ourselves fit others, or make room for others to fit us.

*Icecreamb* Suggestions: I admittedly don't love the line breaks in this poem. I'm really into impactful line breaks, especially in free verse writing. Some of the line breaks here don't really work for me in terms of keeping the natural flow of the poem. The most obvious example of this that stood out to me was in this stanza:
Teeth graze swollen flesh,
a flutter that only teases pain.
You
trust the fit keeps me from biting.

I didn't love "You" being alone in the third line. I think it could be impactful if it were offset somewhere, before or after, with the word "I" or "We" on just one line. But as it stands, it doesn't work for me as well as it could. I think the "You trust the fit" as line 3 and the rest as line 4 would be more impactful when reading.

*Icecreamv* Conclusion: Overall, I think this was an enjoyable read. Congratulations on your contest win as well. Thanks for sharing your writing!

Best,

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