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 Review #4632631 |
| A  ReviewMy reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest. First Impression What a colorful first chapter!  You have quite an imagination! I wouldn't want to get on the bad side of those twins.  Serena buys rainbow food coloring at a strange shop made of gingerbread and chocolate from a lady with antennas and after Serena leaves, the shop disappears. Then a blue flashing star, about the size of a UFO, flies over her car. Serena is unnerved, hurries home, bakes the cake, and the twins exchange birthday gifts. They decide to eat their cake before having dinner at Pizza Hut. The girls discover their cat and dog have eaten half the cake and now have turned into a unicorn and white rabbit! Phoenix and Muffin (unicorn and rabbit) explain to the twins that aliens had turned them into a dog and a cat at one time. They also explain they all need to combine their powers to defeat the aliens. They also explain the shop was really a UFO and the lady who ran it, an alien. And the food coloring was magical, to help give the girls more power so the war between the humans and aliens would be fair (as the aliens could have just taken over otherwise, but wanted it to be fair.) So the girls eat the cake and then Zelmar the alien arrives and blows up the neighbor's house, ready to play. More aliens arrive, along with gargoyles, and it's now up to the twins to save the world! Thoughts/Suggestions You do have a few technical edits to consider fixing. Thiscwas --> This was a opal --> an opal cake first They went --> cake first. They went on the cake,. Serena saw --> on the cake. Serena saw Stephanie asked? --> Stephanie asked. and you are two have magic powers --> and you two have magic powers dressed red --> dressed in red Favorites I like the hook at the end of the chapter, as it sets the stage for the twins, along with the rabbit and unicorn, to go up against the aliens. A great way to leave the reader hanging!  Serena and Stephanie held hands. It was up to them to save the world! Thank you for entering the September birthday round of "Chapter One"  Please do not make any changes till the winners are announced.Have a great day and...  K e e p on W r i t i n g ! Cubby ")
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