%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4730207 |
| Hi Victoria  . I'm reviewing The Woman in Red–Chapter One, after coming across your request for review posted in early December at "Please Review" . You specifically ask for a review from someone who understands women's soccer and to look for continuity issues. I've never played soccer, but I've been a fan of women's soccer since Mia Hamm wore number nine (and was probably younger than the girls in this story  ). I hope my review will satisfy your concerns about your story.My Blurb: My aim with any review is to give comments and suggestions without judgement. I love to teach but I am no expert. Remember this review contains the thoughts of a single reader who recognizes that you know your writing better than anyone. Now, let's do this thing.  Impressions: First off, I want to read more of this story. I read the first two chapters this morning, and several times during the day I thought of the characters, the plot, the many possibilities I can see on the horizon, and I realized that I either needed to write this review sooner rather than later, or email you directly to make sure you were still working on this story. My email would have said, "You did everything right! Of course I love this story!"  So what do I think makes this first chapter so great? You introduce strong, vibrant characters right from the start. You give the reader a strong vibe as to what the book will be about through intense character interactions and Tori's thoughts she, herself, finds surprising. The setting is well established–all without any descriptions that distract the reader from what's most important in this story: the relationships between the characters. I'm also impressed with how well you dotted the first chapter with little details that give the reader hints that this story will delve deeper into Tori and Kate's personalities. We'll also probably get to know Kristen much better, too. One of the little gems you dropped into the story in the first description of Kate: she has "haunted hazel eyes." Excellent! That excites me! Sure, Kate is a bitch. She's checking out Tori and then works at pushing Tori out of the team because she's afraid of what she sees. She's got a background that's made her who she is, and I think we'll find out what's going on with her as Tori gets to know her better. (And I can't wait.  ) Suggestions: There's one spot in soccer practice that's a little confusing. The paragraph that begins, "During the scrimmage..." could use some clarification. If your reader doesn't understand soccer well, they might not know if this line is a good thing or a bad thing: "demonstrated a solid bicycle kick, hit right to a player on her team." Does that make sense? With a little rewording, you might make the image easier to imagine. It might seem an over-simplificaiton, but adding the word "ball" might help– something like, "...bicycle kick, placing the ball in the perfect position for her teammate..." I tend to use too many words, and I'm not trying to rewrite your work, just giving you an example of what I'm trying to express. If that doesn't work for you, let it go. It's just a line that I thought about for a few minutes, because usually when I've seen a player do a bicycle kick, it's an attempt to shoot the ball into the goal. I love the dialogue between the girls in the locker room when Kate confronts Tori. Each of the characters show their personalities through the dialogue and help move the plot forward–while adding more questions about why Kate is so upset about Tori's arrival. My one suggestion about the dialogue is one line that Kate speaks to Tori: “I just think it’d be better if you picked a different sport like softball.” Since she began their interaction by telling Tori she's good, suggesting she switch to softball feels extreme, and beyond insulting. If I were Tori, I'd have been spitting mad. (It would be like someone reading a story I wrote and telling me that they think I should try painting.) If you agree with this assessment, you could switch softball to another sport that's more closely related to the skills (and fitness level) that Tori demonstrated in their drills. Kate might suggest she try field hockey or lacrosse...? You can probably come up with other sports–it's been a long while since I was in college and I can't think of other field sports for women at the moment. Take-Away: I hope I got across that I love where this story is going and I hope you'll be posting more chapters soon. I'm queer and I'm a long-time soccer fan, so this is right up my alley. You've created some brilliant characters here, and I can't wait to get to know them better. (By a strange coincidence, I was prompted by January's "The LGBT Writing Contest - closed" , to write a short story about a sporty romance, and I wrote about a writer dating a pro soccer player. I'm not suggesting that you check it out–it needs a ton of work. Coincidences are interesting, and finding your novella chapters just after writing my first attempt at a romance that's also about soccer players–kind of special ) Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your craft! I wish you all the best in your writing pursuits. Write on!    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You last responded to this review 02/15/2024 @ 11:03pm EST