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Review #4778092
Viewing a review of:
 Speaking of Avocados Open in new Window. [18+]
A quiet unraveling unfolds in the city’s indifferent rhythm.
by Rick Fix Author Icon
Review by Gratefully IE Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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As requested, IE here with a review of "Speaking of Avocados" Open in new Window.

First impression:

This is a poem that is not ‘in your face’ one bit, despite the four letter word it contains. It is subtle. Very subtle. Perhaps “cool as a cucumber” subtle.

But, like all subtle, good poems, this one gets under your skin.


Favorite bit:

The title! It’s brilliant. The title drew me in immediately.

Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:

*Writing*Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation:
There is a space missing after “of” in this line

or at least a hint of 'sexually active'


Actually, maybe not! The font you chose is small, and makes it appear there is a space missing. Which leads me to my next suggestion.

*Writing*Please, first thing, I would make the font larger. Much larger. I had to squint to read your poem. You want to draw the reader’s eyes to your words—to your amazing poem!

Standard here at WdC is 4.5 Verdana. Choose what works for you, but at least consider this.

*Writing*Composition/Flow/Line Length:
I’m struggling a little with the second line. I think ‘painfully’ needs to be moved or braced between some commas here

it painfully dawned on her


Maybe: “it dawned, painfully, on her” or even “it dawned on her, painfully”

I like that you're using the word, I’m just questioning the placement.

*Writing*Love the usage of “ripe” in this line

with that trendy hue against her ripe skin


*Writing*I really wanted another something green in the fourth stanza, perhaps in the line “such façade” so it would be “such (color) façade?” There are infinite shades of green or things that are green (such as your clever use of “cactus” in the last stanza). Several would work. Think about it.

of these city streets
such facade
is viciously dismantled
and met with frosty indifference

*Writing*In this line, I question your usage of “tepid.”

could have thawed her day
on this tepid morning

“Thawed” gives the impression of cold. “Tepid” means lukewarm. You could use “frigid” instead.

“could have thawed her day
on this frigid morning”

This is, of course, unless I’ve missed some very important reason for the use of “tepid.”

*Writing*Love this part

nimble twenty-somethings
will soon f***
their way into the future

*Writing*The last stanza is great, but when I read it, I want it to be two stanzas

there she stands
like a singular cactus
teetering
on the brink of oblivion
searching
for the receipt
and for words to
match that catchy tune
she’s been humming
so fanatically all day

Perhaps break it after “on the brink of oblivion?”

In summation:

This is a cleverly-written poem. I was drawn in immediately, and looked within your words for hidden meanings. Well-done.

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*

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