On Grief Editor: Jeff Skellington, Pumpkin King 
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"Only a real risk tests the reality of a belief."
— C.S. Lewis
About The Editor: Greetings! My name is Jeff Skellington, Pumpkin King  and I'm one of the regular editors of the official Spiritual Newsletter! I've been a member of Writing.com since 2003, and have edited more than 500 newsletters across the site in that time. If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to email me directly or submit feedback in the comment box at the bottom of this newsletter. |
On Grief
My mom died of cancer six years ago, and I still think of her often. Particularly when I'm driving home from the office (I'd often use the commute time to do my phone check-ins with family and friends, and she would always reliably pick up), or when the kids do something that I know would have made her proud, made her laugh, or made her tell me that I need to appreciate these fleeting moments. It's rarely a dramatic wave of sorrow, like it was in the early months after her passing. Now it's usually more of a quick pang of loss and sadness that passes sooner or later.
Grief shows up in a lot of different ways and at seemingly random times. It's not always in the big moments we expect it to, and it can often sneak up on us. While notable special occasions like birthdays and holidays can always be challenging, it could also be something as simple as a drive home, or a visit to a now-more-empty-feeling-house that can trigger grief. I personally have a really hard time going home to visit my dad, because the house I grew up in is now so much colder and emptier without her in it.
The thing that's interesting about grief is that it seems to operate independently of faith. I've known people of deep faith and a conviction of higher purpose, life after death, etc. who grieved with a devastation that surprised them, and people with no faith at all who grieved with a confidence and assurance that almost convinced me they believed in something after death. Belief might shape your theology, or what you say at the memorial service, or what you'll tell yourself in the days ahead... but few are exempt from the pain, and strong spiritual practices don't necessarily make a loss any easier to endure.
Grief is one of the few experiences that we all share as humans, whether we have a few loved ones or dozens, whether we're rich or poor, whether we're American or Japanese or Egyptian or Filipino, and regardless of what our individual faith tradition may say about what happens to a person after they die. The loss of a loved one, in this life, is a trauma that transcends boundaries.
When you're grieving, you'll hear a lot about the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. You might even hear people talk about how the five stages are malleable and just because you're now angry about a loved one's passing doesn't mean you won't ever be in denial again, or how acceptance can easily backtrack into depression at times. We often talk about grief as a process that you have to go through to get to the other side and be done with it.
Ironically, the show that I was working on when my mom passed away was WandaVision for Disney+, which is a show all about dealing with grief. There's a great line in one of the later episodes of the show that goes, "What is grief, if not love persevering?" And it was the experience of working on that show (and the years since) that I realized if that statement is true, then grief isn't ever something you "get past" because that would imply that you get over loving the person you lost which I can tell you — at least after six years — hasn't happened yet and doesn't seem likely to happen anytime soon.
I've lost other family members too: two grandmothers and a grandfather (I never knew my paternal grandfather who died when my father was very young). Each of those losses was different, owing to the different relationships I had with each of them. But I still miss them all and think of them often. Maybe not as often as my mom, but often enough. The sharpness of the loss has faded, and the days that once overwhelmed me with grief are less acute. But the loss hasn't disappeared, and I don't know that I want it to. To stop grieving is to stop loving the person you lost; to stop missing them.
Grief becomes part of how we carry on, and informs who we are. There's a lot of well-meaning language out there about "getting over" a loss, you just learn to live with their absence. And honestly, I wouldn't want it any other way. The grief is heavy because the love was real. If I could dial down the ache, I'd have to dial down the love with it, and that's not a trade I'm willing to make.
Until next time,
Jeff Skellington, Pumpkin King
If you're interested in checking out my work:
"New & Noteworthy Things" | "Blogocentric Formulations" |
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| | | Thinking in Coffee (E) Blank Verse gives structure to poems by rhythms as coffee gives time to think in pauses. |
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Feedback from "Spiritual Newsletter (September 2, 2026)" about spiritual mentorship:
♫~ Kenword~♫  writes:  Beautiful Jeff. Truly a heartfelt and comprehensive assessment of the values of mentoring. I love how you personalized the experience for you from two different ways you were mentored. Easy to relate to, and defines well how God has designed our partnership with Him to be with and for His cherished ones. I am glad I got to read this issue. Thank You!
Quick-Quill  writes: I wish I had known you before I finished my novel. Please look for my post about its launch. The title is Gaze to Redemption. An agnostic finds Christ. (that's a simple definition, but doesn't say anything about my story.) My MC has a friend who is a Christian and guides her search to know who Jesus is and why he carries a cross in the painting she just bought. |
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Spiritual: September 30, 2026 Issue [#13979]
