Hot and Spicy!

The Writer's Cramp 7/20/23 W/C 552

Hot and Spicy!

“There’s a contest tonight down at the diner. Eat the hottest chili. Win a prize.”

Murray told me this like I would do something so dumb.

“What’s the prize?”

He laughed as he read the news blurb. “A bottle of Pepto and $100.”

I thought for a moment. “I do like hot and spicy Pringles. Do you think I’d have a chance?”

Murray laughed again. Then he looked at me. “Seriously? You haven’t a chance. You get sweaty eating chili at Wend..”

I cut him off. “Oh come on. I make a mean chili. I eat sriracha sauce on avocado toast. I’ve been known to eat a raw jalapeño in my time.”

“Again, I repeat, seriously? You’ll risk a hospital visit just for a bottle of pink liquid and $100? It’ll cost you $500 just to walk in the ER. I strongly advise you against this, Georgette. People from Ohio aren’t made to eat spicy food. We eat casseroles. Bland foods. Meat and potatoes.”

“What time?”

We grabbed our coats. Time was of the essence.

Freddy’s Diner was packed. Standing room only.

I signed a disclaimer that I wouldn’t hold Freddy Ledo responsible for the foolishness I was about to undertake. Then I joined the other foolhardy contestants.

Murray mislead me. I thought we were to eat chili, like, in a bowl? But no! We had before us a big bowl of chili peppers called Madame Jeannette peppers.

Seems they’re a staple in Surinamese cuisine. Wherever that is. Madame Jeannette pepper - it’s a heat bomb of a chili – yet quite aromatic when used in cooking. It is said to rank high on the Scoville ratings for chilis. I learned this from a man sitting to my right as we waited to start.

Fred Ledo yelled “Let ‘er rip!” Off we went with those chilis. Merciful god in heaven! I have never ever tasted anything as hot as that chili pepper. They should have a label, ‘too hot to eat’, and never ever be allowed to be grown. Before us was a bottle labeled ‘mint water’. I took a big gulp and that just made things worse. I couldn’t talk, my face turned red, my heart started racing, I felt like I would faint.

Of course, all the audience thought this great fun. Contestants started dropping like flies. One guy took just the smallest nibble and he ran to the back door to puke for the rest of the competition. Cheers went up from the audience. “Go! Go! Go!” Another lady did faint and had water poured on her. More cheers…

It was down to the short guy in front and me. Now he looked like he was from Mexico, so I didn’t think I had a chance. I mean, don’t they eat spicy stuff all the time? But I kept munching on those horrid little chilis and sipping that mint water and soon I was the first one to finish. All the spectators yelled ‘Huzzah!’ and slapped me on my back. I dropped like a rock.

Murray was so proud of me. And, like he said, the Pepto and the $100 didn’t even pay for my ER visit. But that picture in the paper didn’t look half bad. The rosy glow on my cheeks took the focus away from my bloodshot eyes.

W/C 552