When Alligators Freeze

The talking alligator returns to Mortimer's pool. Sequel to Giant Lizard In My Backyard.

With a flick of his tail, Wally swam up the canal to a familiar house. He swam near the bottom, despite the muck, as the water was slightly warmer there. He needed all the warmth he could get. Being cold blooded, this weather could kill him if he couldn’t find some warmth. Fortunately, he knew just the place. His friend Mortimer Twiddle had the cleanest pool for miles.

Wally crawled out of the canal and into Mortimer’s backyard, remembering the first time they’d met. Mortimer tried to shoo him away, but was nice about it, and a friendship developed. Wally could tell Mortimer still struggled with the concept of a talking alligator, even though they’d shared martinis and cigars on a few quiet evenings. Mortimer’s wife, on the other hand, feared Wally. The fear turned into irrational hatred. She wanted Wally dead, yet they’d never met.

As a workaround, Mortimer and Wally had an agreement that he wouldn’t use the pool during the day when his wife might see. But in this cold, that might be the warmest water he could find. He slid into the water, soaking in warmth. “Warm” might be a stretch but compared to the air it felt like paradise. Before long, Mortimer noticed and joined him in the yard.

“Hey bud,” Wally greeted, “like, I hope you don’t mind, but it’s freezing out. This pool is a lifesaver, man.”

“You know the deal,” Mortimer answered, “my wife will freak if she sees you here. Fortunately, she’s playing bridge right now, so you’re OK. But you gotta be out of here before she gets back or I’ll never hear the end of it.”

Wally tried to sigh with relief but only succeeded in blowing bubbles in the pool.

“I don’t want to harp on it,” Mortimer continued, “but you know the rules. No killing anything in the yard.”

“Oh, you’re safe there, man. I had an iguana fall out of a tree right in front of me this morning. That’ll tide me over. Sure beats the Waffle House. Kind of a drag for the iguana, but your yard is safe.”

“I feel bad for you, Wally, it IS cold. I even wore socks today! When my wife and I went to Walgreen’s this morning for my angina pills, there was a woman who had taken the comforter off her bed and wrapped herself in it. My wife was going to skip bridge, and we were going to go to the nude beach up at Haulover Park. I promise you THAT isn’t happening today!”

Wally shivered at the image even more than the cold and only succeeded in blowing more bubbles. Alligators aren’t supposed to choke on water, yet he nearly did.

“Far out,” he managed to sputter.

“Be right back, I'm going to put some tunes on.”

Mortimer disappeared briefly, and when he returned the backyard-speakers provided them with the soothing sounds of Creedence. Wally dug him some Creedence.

The song delivered a line about taking a ride on a flying spoon, which the singer swore was not about drugs.
“Up north, my pool was heated. Never thought I’d wish for that in Florida.”

“Yeah, buddy. Still feels good.” He rubbed his bloodshot eyes with his little alligator arms. “Normally I’d be right there on the chaise lounge with a stogie but man, not today.”

"Usually I'd offer a martini, but it’s a bit early. Maybe something hot? You want some coffee?"

"Thanks, man, but coffee gives me the shits. You ever seen a gator with the shits?"

"Only in Gainesville."

"Ouch. I'd invite you in, but you know how it is. My wife would turn you into a pair of boots if she found you inside."

"She could at least have the common courtesy to turn me into gumbo. I mean, waste not, want not, man.”

As they continued to chat, the sun emerged and the temperature returned to something approaching normal Florida warmth.

“Well, man,” Wally said, “I think it’s time now for me to head back to the Everglades. I do thank you – I needed this.”

“Of course. What are friends for.” Mortimer thought for a second about the idea that he was referring to a talking alligator as his friend, then realized it was true, so he went with it.”

“See you next time,” Wally said with a splash. He waived his little alligator arm and disappeared down the canal.