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Rated: 13+ · Book · Mystery · #1222498
A place for random thoughts, ideas, and fun!
What really goes on in Amy's brain? I'll use this space to share more about myself and my interests, journal some of the more exciting goings-on in my life, and work through some of the writing ideas and dilemmas I'm wrestling with. Enjoy!

Movie Review Mondays . . . if you watch a film after reading a review, please come back and let me know what you thought! *Smile*

My new siggy - thank you Seisa!
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April 17, 2008 at 8:28am
April 17, 2008 at 8:28am
First, a prayer request, good thought request, whatever works for you . . . my friend Liz is having pain in her ribs, and had some bloodwork done. The bloodwork showed some abnormality in her pancreas, so she's having a CT scan this morning. *Worry*

I've been feeling myself becoming more and more fragile, over the past few months. I'm not sure why. What's tipped, what's changed, that's causing me to be less and less able to cope with everyday frustrations?

I know that not getting enough sleep, or not getting good quality sleep, can affect everything else . . . but that's an ongoing issue for me. What's NEW, that's gotten me to this point? My brain is going in a thousand different directions on this one, but no one answer is helping me cope with the problem.

I'll start with my day yesterday . . . just another tired day, accomplishing little, and then finding myself frustrated with the children from the moment I see them. Crumbs and spills, coats and clothes, backpacks and shoes left everywhere . . . despite the fact that I remind them daily. I feel like I repeat myself 12 times a day. Maybe that's the problem? But how do I fix it?? If I DON'T say anything, nothing happens. Sophie flips out as soon as I say something she doesn't want to hear. (ie. no, you can't use the computer. It's a beautiful day - go outside and play!) *Rolleyes* Then Jakie won't play outside because the doggies next door are barking. Frustrated, and not wanting to snap at the children further, I decide to go upstairs and hide in my room for a bit. The phone rings . . . it's a woman from Dove chocolate. I haven't met my $1000 sales goal for the first 60 days, so I need to pay for my kit. I just lose it. It all comes crashing down . . . why can't I even get my friends and family to host a party for me? Totally shakes whatever confidence I had in myself, in my ability to be successful at anything. That spiraled into all of the worries and anxieties I've been having over feeling that I've done nothing with my life, I'm rapidly approaching 40 and have no marketable job skills to speak of, let alone a career of any standing.

So Bob comes home from work to find me sobbing on the bed. I don't know how he puts up with me . . . WHY he puts up with me. I'm such a freaking mess, he never knows what he's going to find when he gets home.

Then I had to somehow tidy myself up and get myself ready to go to a chaperone meeting for Dhoc-li Llama 's Florida band trip. I've been wondering why I volunteered to go . . . I leapt at the opportunity when it first presented itself . . . but then I began to second-guess myself. And it's just gotten worse and worse. Halfway through the meeting, I was in full-blown panic attack mode. The schedule includes . . . leaving at 1:00 PM on Wednesday, arriving at 9:30 AM on Thursday, immediately going to Disney World where we stay until 9:45 PM . . . THEN to the hotel and lights out at 11:45. I'm not going to sleep on the bus . . . how the HELL do I think I'm going to function for TWELVE hours at Disney World after that!?! And the chaperones will share rooms . . . band teacher said to let him know if we have any requests for who we'd like to room with. I know no one. I'll be rooming with a stranger . . . I don't sleep well in the same room with my HUSBAND half the time. *sighs* I came home and took an Ativan. I think I'll be needing a few of those during the trip. I don't know how I'm going to get through it.

Ok . . . think I'll stop there.

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April 11, 2008 at 11:19am
April 11, 2008 at 11:19am
Whata night! I was so nervous when I got to the center. The woman who took care of me (Stacy) was wonderful, though. She was very chatty while she was hooking me up, she understood that I had sensory issues, and made sure that everything was an comfortable as she could possibly make it. Loosened a few things that were tugging, etc. I had electrodes everywhere, including several on my scalp with conducting gel on them. I must have looked like Medusa. I certainly did after she took them all off the next morning. *Pthb* I had 2 bands around my torso - 1 high up on my chest, and another around my waist. The velcro on the top one was rubbing against the inside of my arm until I shifted it a bit. I also had a sensor thing under my nose . . . to sense apnea, presumably. The cords went over my ears, and were taped to my face. There were sensors on my face . . . on my legs . . . and a pulse-oxymeter (sp?) on my finger. That one made my finger throb. *Frown* Trying to get comfortable was a challenge. There was a nice steady fan sound coming from the heating/ac system, so that helped. But there was also a car outside with its radio blasting, and I could feel the bass, for a while. I'd brought a few different kinds of earplugs, but I knew they wouldn't help with the bass - they'd just enhance it, if anything, since I wouldn't be hearing the fan noise. Anyway, I did eventually sleep . . . I woke many times. I kept dreaming that I was awake from the sleep study. Once I dreamt that Stacy had woken me at midnight and told me I was done. I dreamt about coming home in the morning after the study. And I also dreamt that Daren was at the house, at some point. Stacy scared the crud out of me in the morning, when she came over the intercom to tell me I was done. She came in a few minutes later, and unhooked me . . . said I didn't look as cute as I had when I'd come in last night. *Pthb* I'd told her last night that I was hoping to take myself out to Dennys after leaving . . . so she suggested I use warm soapy water to get the goo out of my hair. I'd not planned to shower there . . . but there was no way I was leaving with my hair as it was, so I tried. Turned on the shower. NO hot water. I washed my hair in the sink, where there was at least a little warm water. Then I put in my contacts . . . and wanted to cry! There were very deep lines on my cheeks from the cord to the sensor under my nose . . . and a bruise under my nose from the sensor itself. *Frown* I couldn't see that without my glasses or contact. Anyway, that was the end of my plan to go to Dennys. I dried my hair the best I could, and drove home pretty close to tears. I got home before anyone else was up, and just crawled into bed. I'd looked at my phone after she finished unhooking me . . . it was 5:15 AM. Ugh. I got home around 6:10. I slept until around 10:15. Woke up with a sinus headache. Thank goodness Bob is working from home, today!

I don't know how long it will be until I get the results, but I'm really hoping there will be something in there that we can work with, so that I can get some help.

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April 8, 2008 at 4:34pm
April 8, 2008 at 4:34pm
Well, after years and years and YEARS of sleep issues, and never having a single doctor take them seriously enough to help me, I'm finally having a sleep study done. Thursday night. Eep! I'm relieved to finally be doing this, because I'm hopeful that we can come up with some solutions. But at the same time, I'm so nervous! It's gonna be a loooooong night, I'm sure! The majority of my sleep issues are sensory-related. I have no idea how I'm going to sleep with electrodes all over me. Oh boy.

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March 31, 2008 at 10:26am
March 31, 2008 at 10:26am
I'm sorry. I didn't get around to writing one for today . . . but I thought my readers might like to see this:


One word review - unbefreakinlievable!!!

Just check it out! *Bigsmile*

Won in Daren's B-Day Birthday Extravaganza!
March 24, 2008 at 1:59pm
March 24, 2008 at 1:59pm
Love me . . . why?

William Shakespeare’s comedy Much Ado About Nothing is delightful of its own accord. When paired with the outstanding cast and interpretation of Kenneth Branagh’s 1993 film version, the story shines.

Claudio is in love with young Hero, daughter of Signior Leonato. Benedick and Beatrice are constantly at odds with one another. While wedding preparations are being made for Claudio and Hero at the estate of Don Pedro, a plot in concocted to trap Benedick and Beatrice into falling in love. Don Pedro’s evil brother, Don John, devises another plot, to break up the marriage of Claudio and Hero. Mayhem and misunderstanding in the end, lead to . . . Much Ado About Nothing.

Branagh not only directs the film, but plays Signior Benedick, and plays him to perfection. His then wife, Emma Thompson, plays opposite him, in the role of Lady Beatrice. Their banter and comedic timing are fabulous; I truly miss seeing them together in films.

Kate Beckinsale and Robert Sean Leonard play Hero and Claudio, the beautiful young couple. Denzel Washington is a fabulous screen presence, as Don Pedro. The only flaw in the casting is Keanu Reeves as Don John. His stiff acting stands out like a sore thumb. Thankfully he does not appear in much of the film.

Watch it for the dialogue – Kenneth Branagh has a way of interpreting Shakespeare’s work in such a way that the meaning shines clearly while enhancing its poetic beauty. Watch it for the story – it’s a delightful romp! Watch it for the actors – most of them are outstanding. Watch it for the setting – it’s beautiful!

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March 20, 2008 at 3:57pm
March 20, 2008 at 3:57pm
In my opinion, the festival of Purim is the most fun of all the Jewish holidays. The story of Queen Esther is told from the Megillah. Children (and grown ups!) dress in costumes and put on skits (or Purim Shpiels), make loud noise every time Haman's name is mentioned (Haman = bad guy in story), give gifts of food (shalach manot) to friends, and eat hamentaschen!

Learn more about Purim:

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March 17, 2008 at 11:28am
March 17, 2008 at 11:28am
England has always been disinclined to accept human nature.

Based on the novel by E. M. Forster, and set in Edwardian Britain, Maurice is the story of a young man struggling to find peace and acceptance in a world that views homosexuality as the worst sin in the calendar.

Maurice Hall and Clive Durham meet at Cambridge fall in love. The pressures of society combine with a scandal that hits fairly close to home. Clive breaks off the relationship in an effort to conform to the social standards that his gentry position in society requires.

James Wilby, with his boyish charm, is wonderful as the passionate Maurice. A very young Hugh Grant is Clive Durham, heir to Pendersleigh Hall. Durham marries, leaving Maurice lost but unable to stay away from Clive and Pendersleigh Hall.

Rupert Graves is Alec Scudder, canny gamekeeper at Pendersleigh. What develops between he and Maurice will change both of their lives. Graves’ onscreen presence is powerful, though I cannot decide whether his accent is horrible, or he’s such a powerful actor that the accent serves as a stunning contrast between the classes.

I first saw this film when it was released in the theaters, in 1987. The effect on me was quite powerful at that time, and I watched it several times after that. It had been many years however, and I’d forgotten just how much I love this movie, until watching it again last week, with dareng. The music is beautiful and haunting, and will stay with the viewer long after the film has ended.

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March 11, 2008 at 9:13pm
March 11, 2008 at 9:13pm
Well, dareng left today, for Savannah. It was so difficult to say goodbye. But I have to remind myself . . . it's not really "goodbye" . . . we'll definitely see each other, again! He's family now . . . that's not going to change, just because he's in Georgia.

Got the sweetest email from my mom, a little while ago:

Been thinking about you and hoping you had a wonderful day and evening with Daren yesterday... Daren thinks the world of you and Bob and he adores the kids. So when you're feeling sad about him being away and missing him, remember that you have really impacted his young life in a very important, positive way. Although I'm so sorry his plans didn't work out in Wilmington, I think he needs to be in Savannah for a while and I hope he develops a lasting bond with his niece and nephew...they're so fortunate to have him in their lives.

They are, indeed. And so are we - my IRL family, and my WDC family.

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March 7, 2008 at 4:47pm
March 7, 2008 at 4:47pm
Today has been a totally crap day, for me. It’s been rainy and blah outside, and my mood is echoing that . . . blah, no energy . . . I just want to lay down and close my eyes. No energy, no enthusiasm, no desire . . .

First, the latest news . . . for those who haven’t yet heard, dareng is leaving Delaware, for Savannah. After a month here with no job offers, and a family situation that acted as catalyst for his realization . . . he’s decided he needs to be closer to his family. Intellectually, I understand this without a shadow of a doubt, and I’m so glad that he was able to spend the time here, to get away and gain that clarity . . . but emotionally I’m heartbroken. I feel like I’m losing a son. He’s become a part of the family, and he will be very much missed. Sure, we’re going to see each other – he’ll be up here for the Gutter family Reonion in May, and I’ll definitely go down to Savannah at some point, as well. But it won’t be the same as having him here. Jakie’s going to miss him so much, too. *Frown*

I’ve been thinking a lot about why I’ve been feeling so blah lately . . .

Sure, I’m quite sad about Daren’s leaving. But there’s more to it than that; Daren’s leaving is a catalyst for the rest of it to come flooding back . .

I think about my situation – I feel stuck at home. WDC . . . this is my only adult interaction during the day. You ARE my colleagues, my co-workers. So, how WONDERFUL it’s been, having Daren right here, another person to interact with during the day. Plus, it’s Daren!

So now I’m thinking about the whole prospect of going out and finding a job. Every time I think about it, I run the gamut of emotions. Hopefulness – it’s time, I can do this, it’ll be good to be doing something intellectual, and getting out of the house. Indecision – what do I even want to do? Worry – what if I put myself out there, and am rejected? What if I get a job and I have a day where I feel like I’ve been feeling today, where I can barely force myself to get out of bed? What if I get a job and I feel trapped? WOW . . . THAT was a revelation! I don’t even know where to go with that one . . . what if I feel trapped? Hey, in some ways, I feel trapped right now. Well, in many ways, actually. Stuck in the house, lonely, I’ve made no connections in our new area. I was looking forward to having Daren around for that reason, as well. Because one of my “best friends” and his wife live literally a mile away . . . and I hardly see or speak to them at all. If I got a job I could connect with new people, maybe make some new friends. I could also end up disappointed . . . oh hell, I don’t even want to go there. Enough with the negativity, damn it! That’s my biggest downfall – I get so negative . . . about myself more than anything or anyone else. It’s a self-esteem thing, but I cannot seem to get past it, now matter how much self-talk I do, no matter how much encouragement I get from others . . . it can’t be insurmountable, but it sure as hell feels like it.

I’d hoped to spend some time this year just writing . . . but I can’t write with the children around. I can’t write with any noise whatsoever. I’d started this blog entry, and about 4 sentences in, I decided I had to go hide in the bedroom to write. You can see the difference in my writing. This is what I wrote, before coming upstairs:

I’ve been thinking a lot about why I’ve been feeling so blah lately . . .

Sure, I’m quite sad about Daren’s leaving. But there’s more to it than that; Daren’s leaving is a catalyst for the rest of it to come flooding back . .

I think about my situation – I feel stuck at home. WDC . . . this is my only adult interaction during the day. You ARE my colleagues, my co-workers. So, how WONDERFUL it’s been, having Daren right here, another person to interact with during the day. Plus, it’s Daren!

And it was quite difficult to get that out, even though I’d already spent about half an hour laying in bed, thinking about what I wanted, needed to write.

Where am I going with this? I’m not sure. But I’m hopeful that getting it all out, rambling as it may be, will help me gain some more clarity on the situation, and figure out how to move forward.

I was thinking about how nice it would be to take my computer to Borders, and just sit there and write . . . but the noise. I’d never be able to concentrate. Still, I might give it a go, at some point.

What else am I thinking about? What else is consuming my mind with negativity? Oh . . . Dove chocolate. I started out with such excitement . . . but I’ve ended up in the exact position I did not want, the exact position that I’d feared – nothing is happening. I’ve put myself out there, and while a few people half-heartedly said they’d do a party . . . it’s been well over a month, and I don’t even have ONE party booked. I’m SICK of it . . . THIS is why I have the negativity, the self-doubt. It’s not without basis. I just feel like selling all of my stuff, and forgetting about it altogether.

This is the crap that keeps me up at night . . . is there ANYTHING I can possibly do about that, at midnight? Nope, not a damn thing. And when daytime rolls around, I’m too flipping TIRED to do anything . . .

And with that, I think I’ll close. I could keep writing, but I’ve already rambled enough for one day.

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March 3, 2008 at 8:35am
March 3, 2008 at 8:35am

I have no idea how we will go forward . . . it'll be like . . . like . . . trying to swim without a scoreboard!

Won in Daren's B-Day Birthday Extravaganza!

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