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A new journal for a new beginning |
| I'm strangely hopeful. I guess that's nice for a change. |
| I wrote the clinical lab manager today asking for an update. How does this sound? Hello ____________, I was wondering if you could give me some sort timeline for when you will make your decision about the clinical laboratory scientist position. I have already turned down another position (albeit a much less desireable one) because I'm still holding out hope that I'm a strong candidate for the one available in your lab. I am still very interested, but am worried your decision would not be made before my current position ends (Dec. 31st). I would need to begin working before that time to prevent a lapse in service and loss of benefits. I truly don't mean to be pushy; even a vague estimate would give me some idea as to whether or not I should be more aggressive in job searching elsewhere. Thanks Again, |
| Still applying...still searching. No word from the clinical lab. *sigh* |
| Must...calm...down... ARRRGH!!! Okay, so let's say I am not gainfully employed with benefits by Dec. 31st 2007. What's the worst that could happen? Well, for $350 a month for up to 18 months, I could prevent a lapse in my health insurance with COBRA. I could also collect an unemployment benefit of $363 a week for up to 26 weeks (minus anything I earn by working). If I'm working less than 30 hours a week, I can defer my student loan payments for up to 24 months (no monthly payments with no interest accrued). Come July 7th, 2008, when my lease runs out, I could crash with my dad and stepmom (God help me...). I could wait tables while working at the coffee shop and taking classes. If I don't have anything lined up by, Jan. 1st, 2007, I know I'll be okay for at least 18 months. I'll just have to break into survival mode. I've played this game before. |
| Through cycles of peaceful panic I lie prone on the bed to sleep Escaping into the safety of my nightmares. I just feel so helpless. My counselor said it best. Choose the job that will help you to achieve your goals. Maybe it's time to give up on the clinical lab job. I'd hate to think I'm selling myself short, but honestly, what are my requirements? *A simple 9-5 (or 8-4:30 as the case may) M-F *I want my weekends and holidays. *I need my health benefits. *I would like to stay within the university fold (even though I hate it). *I would like to make at least $23000/yr (my liveable salary) *A non-committal route would be preferable if graduate school is in my near future. Really, neither the vivarium nor the clinical lab fullfilled all of these requirements. Both required weekend and holiday hours (less so for the clinical). The vivarium in particular seemed to be setting me up to drive myself into the ground (requiring extra hours at the coffee shop in addition to my courseload). The clinical lab would be taking my mental energy in a direction I hadn't planned to go (although I was intrigued and would have been willing to give it a try). Can I really work toward graduate school in Environmental Science while being certified in cytogenetics? I keep telling myself I could. What if Env. Science isn't where I'd be happiest? Does it not make sense to turn down any opportunity to learn? God knows, I've had my share of curve balls in my life. It's hard to believe in myself when things are in such disarray. Maybe I'm no better than a cashier at a fast food restaurant. |
| Well, the vivarium positions have been filled and the clinical lab has not even contacted my references. As of tomorrow, I will have interviewed at that lab 3 weeks ago. I wrote the lab manager last Wed. to check-in and let her know I was still interested. She sent me an email saying that they were still interviewing, had made no decisions, and that their lab would be slow in the process. All to say, I will have to practice great restraint to keep from writing until next week (the 1 month mark) to ask about it again. Now I'll be saying that I turned down another position to wait for their response, and really need to know if I'm at least a strong candidate. WAAAHHH...I thought the interview went really well. WTF? |
| My boss wants to do my evaluation tomorrow. I have an idea how it's going to go. I've had time to get used to the idea. Why do I still feel like I'm going throw up. |
Well... I think this might have been the best beach week ever.  Third time's the charm. It's all downhill from here.  . Seriously, it was just what I needed. We had an amazingly well-equipped house full of cool people (and one yippy little air-dog that eventually chilled out near the end of the week). I was able to divide my time between playing Advanced Civilization with Robert Waltz   and the guys and hanging by a lovely, heated, saltwater pool with Kirsten and the members of her dance troupe. I even painted my feet with henna for the first time, though it kinda looks like the scribblings of a kindergardener.  There were also a few dunks in the ocean for boogie boarding, but the beach was red-flagged for most of the week so we had to watch for the patroling lifeguards on ATVs. Robert Waltz and I also took a trip to lunch with Midnight Dawn  who was staying about an hour from where we were. It was nice to finally meet her. Her area of the beach got a lot of rain and her only company was her family. *shudders* Hopefully, the time away did her some good.  Now it's back to reality. Back to the job search, back to watching my waistline and alcohol consumption, back to the awkward current job. Back to my small dusty apartment and Mr. Burnley (my cat). At least I'm refreshed enough to tidy up. Can't wait until next year... |
| Here's the letter I just sent to the vivarium supervisor. Do I sound wishy washy? I feel really bad about it anyway. Hi ________, I applied for some clinical lab positions a couple of weeks ago. I wasn't expecting any call backs because I've always been told you need special certification. Well, they've been beating down my door for the last couple of days (voicemails begging me to call them at home in the evening if I can't get to it during the day, stuff like that). I interviewed with one lab today and liked what I saw. This isn't a grant funded position, otherwise I never would have considered it. It's also expected that I come in with no training in the field. I've decided to give them 6 weeks to make an offer. That would put us about the third week of October. I don't expect you to hold a position for me. If you still have something open I'll just apply again. I really didn't know clinical labs were an option. I'd at least like to look into it some more. I really appreciate your help this last week, regardless of what happens. Thanks Again, Anna |
| Okay, I had my interview with the clinical lab today. Turns out the position does interest me. The scopes are very ergonomic and the staff seems friendly. I was my usual charming self. Basically, they culture human tissue so they can extract chromosomes to determine genetic abnormalities. This has applications in cancer diagnosis and detection of birth defects prenatally, among other things. They are also willing to train me and expecting a learning curve between 6 months to 2 years. Basically, I was told if I don't plan to stay for two years, I shouldn't take the position. Fair enough. Now everything's turned on its head. I didn't think clinical labs were open to me without certification. Turns out, with this particular discipline, a technologist is expected to work about a year before being certified. I think I've had it wrong all along. Taking this position would involve shelving my dream of getting back into the environmental field, possibly for good. I would also keep me from living like a pauper for the next two years. I feel bad, but I'd have to pull my name out of the hat for vivarium position. I hope the viv supervisor isn't too disappointed. She seemed really jazzed that I was on the market, but why would I give up a great opportunity to work for just over half of my former salary. There's been a little voice in the back of my mind questioning the practicality of that course of action for the last two weeks. It would have been emotionally based, but, then again, isn't this clinical position also? I don't want to make another bad decision! What am I going to do?! |
| I know it's silly but I just spent the day pouring through my old lab partner's notes for the part of the study we worked on together. Her observations and mine BOTH contributed to the result that Dr. S claimed to be impossible. I admit there was a small part of me that wondered if I had been biased in reporting my results and came up with false data. It would have been unintentional, but still. For the about half the subjects I did know what the treatments were, but recorded my observations, no more, no less. Wishful thinking can Fuck you, but what the Hell to do I, a technician with no desire to move up in the field, care if a test drug makes our animals horny or hungry? The fact that my partner and I contributed equally to at least one of the controversial results puts my mind at ease. I'm still fired, of course. The paper's still destroyed and months of hard work are down the drain. Dr. S may even think my results are biased, but there is too much evidence to the contrary for her to make a formal accusation. A concern because it would be a tenured professor's word against mine. Even if she's wrong, it's very David and Goliath. Instead, she's just making me letting me walk away, with the assurance that I'm a blight on the research community. I guess there's a silver lining to this after all. And I've learned a very important lesson: Even an honest, unmotivated scientist should always do experiments blind. |
| Hmmm...well. I went from having nothing in the pipeline jobwise to having two possibilities. I talked to the vivarium supervisor today and she seemed keen on hiring me, but there is enough red tape in HR to keep me in my better paying current job until mid to late October. I'm not complaining since it would be a job paying $20,000/yr, meaning I'd have to work myself to death at another job to make ends meet. The plus is that I'll have the flexibility to take environmental classes...if I have any energy left. Then there's the other possibility to present itself today. I applied for clinical laboratory positions at the hospital not really expecting to get a call back. I'd always been told that special certification is required before you could even be considered. Well guess what, I've got an interview at one next Monday. The rub? 75-85% of the work is on the microscope (ick). There's also a lot of techniques I've never done before. I hear that clinical lab work pays much better than research without the ridulous funding concerns. I also hear the hours are kind of crazy, so that might make holding a second job tough to manage. I guess the only thing to do is wait for the offers and see which one are the most appealing. Oh, and look up microarray protocols online to see if I can make sense of them. |
| I wonder. I've been sending emails all weekend to potential references, employers, and professors from the department where I'd like to get my master degree. The emails I sent to the professors are more than a week old and I've still gotten no reply. I tried to be as concise as I could. I did give some information about my background and what I wanted to do. I simply asked if they'd meet with me so I could talk to them more about what they do. I guess if you're not in the program already you don't exist. Funny thing is, one of the admission requirements is to have a faculty mentor willing to take you on. How exactly are you supposed to do that when the bastards don't even write you back! I just finished detailing my plans for the next year to one of the vivarium supervisors as far as classes go. I haven't even interviewed yet and I'm listing scheduling requests. *slaps self* I also sent an email to the head of the vivaria asking for advice about how to advance to a higher level. "I'm not a certified vet tech, but I've got oodles of surgery experience and intimate knowledge of the research side of things. I think I could offer more than the standard feeding and cleaning if there is a place for me, etc." There such a fine line between showing chuzpah and being overbearing. I never quite get it right. Argh, I hate drifting in the wind like this! I just want this to be over! |
| It seems I've had another turn of bad luck. Something went very wrong with a long running project I took over in the lab. I wasn't responsible for the original error that snowballed with every additional experiment, but the two other people working on it had left the lab to pursue PhDs. That left me to take the full brunt of Dr.S's wrath. In a nutshell, she's asked me to find another job by the end of the year. She also said she wouldn't endorse me for another research position, which ,though hurtful in principle, is sort of a non-issue. I don't WANT to go to another lab. This me BURNED OUT. So far the best option for my predicament seems to be taking an animal caretaker job in one of the vivariums at the university. It only pays about $20,000/yr starting, but I'll keep my great benefits, including the one's that allow me to take graduate level classes for free. I'll just be able to pay my current living expenses and student loan payments at that rate. With my experience, it shouldn't be hard to eek out a raise before long. I've also talked to the coffee shop people about kicking a few more hours my way to have something to put into savings and toward additional classes at the community college. My savings are pretty skeletal at the moment because I used most of them to pay off my car early. Oops. Well, that's $300/month I don't need to worry about paying anyway. Because these jobs are decidedly low key, they'll allow me the mental space to focus on my classes as well as getting to know my new therapist (my old one retired in July). My plan is to do this for about a year to 18 months until I've had a chance to recharge, relearn to how to be a student, and retake calculus. *shudders* I'm still on schedule to take the GREs Sept. 29th, though I haven't had much time to practice the writing part. I also still plan to apply to UVA, Tech, and VCU's environmental science programs for admission in Fall 2008. VCU is the favorite because they will take up to 6 transfer credits from another school and appear to have the most practically based program. I guess I'll have to learn to love Richmond. I have no idea what I'm going to live on. I don't want to take out more student loans, but there doesn't seem to be any way around it. *sigh* I'm making a risky call on this. My goal is for my last day in the lab to be Oct. 24th. That will give me time to do right by the labmates that did right by me (and to pay off some recent car repairs that are still sitting on my credit card, since my saving didn't cover it). I talked to my stepmom today and she supports me. She even offered her and my dad's spare bedroom if I need it. That's a relief. I'll just have to be tough when dealing with my dad's hurtful, juvenile behavior. It would be an absolute LAST resort, if for no other reason that it's just sad to be 30 years old and crashing with your 'rents. And I was so proud of being independent too. I haven't had much family support in my life and I feel like with my stepmom at the helm I'm less likely to be screwed over. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to let them help me. |
| Well, my roomie and I finally got internet. It's high speed through a cable line. At least it was before I renewed my Norton Antivirus and ran Windows Updates. Now it grindingly slow. Anybody have any ideas about what happened? |
| I irritate myself. I need to get over my boss' slight and move ahead. She has given me things to do over the last couple of weeks and I admit I do like having the freedom to speak my mind (what's she gonna do, fire me?). I haven't been great about GRE studying. It kind of goes in spurts. One day I'll work for almost 3 hours, then not touch it for 3 days. I do try to play with my vocab flashcards a few minutes a day and my retention is improving. I guess that's something. I've yet to practice Geometry and Analytical writing. I really need to do some dry runs on the computer too. *grumbles* Everybody around me thinks this transition is so great for me. When I complain they look at me like I'm crazy (or just a spoiled brat). There are people who have it much worse than I do. Why can't I remember that? |
| Well...my boss has written off my experimental abilities. Now I get to suffer the consequences, complete mind-melting boredom. It's so depressing to be in a place that is such a flurry of activity and have nothing to do but everyone else's dishes. I know most people would think this is awesome, but mostly I just feel left out and unvalued. Adding to my funk is the impossible to understand publications of the potential mentors I've picked for my possible stint in graduate school. I thought it would be a good idea to familiarize myself with the work of these four faculty members before I contact them. I was trying to get this done before classes start in late August, but all I see in front of my are pages and pages of equations and acronyms I don't recognize. It will be difficult to parlay these things into an intellegent conversation, particularly with an expert on the subject. There's no way to know if a research assistantship will pay my through anyway. I just found out basic health insurance will cost me at least $2500 a year. I see many internet searches and trips to the library. God help me. |
| I guess things are going well. I just got a call from the coffee shop that downsized me a month ago saying they need me back. Happily, for the next few weeks at least, it will only be a 4 1/2hr shift on Saturday mornings instead of an 8hr one like before. It will go up to 6-8hrs when the students get back into town. That gives me time to study for my GRE while pulling in extra cash, but ACAC has something for me, I'm GONE. I'd much rather get my membership there for free for doing the same work. It other news, I seem to have finished the project that's been making me miserable for the last 3 1/2 months, with good results. Somehow that makes it all worth it. Maybe I'm cut out for this scientist thing after all. Go figure. I've been loving my daily run, especially since it's my only chance to watch television. I'm actually thinking about canceling my Netflix membership because I've been too busy with studying, pleasure reading, and exercise classes to watch movies. I've been sitting on my last 3 movies for about a month now. Might as well put that money into something else. I spent Saturday morning last week purging and cleaning my car. It looks GREAT and I'm super proud of myself. I think I'll tackle something else this weekend. *rubs hands together* |
Well, things are moving along I guess. I've got the go ahead from a professor to take his Fall Calculus class (and to miss two of those classes for beach week  ). I told him I needed to be out of town Sept. 16-22, but that I would be in the company of the engineer and physicist who had previously offered to tutor me. I also told him we expected, "to have a lot of down time". Selective honesty, LOVE it. I've been studying daily for my GRE's and making flashcards for my vocabulary words. I'm only up to "i" and the stack is more than two inches thick. I continue to have scary lapses in focus that really shake my confidence. I've asked my boss to give me another chance with experiments. In letter of notice to terminate she said she "hired me to do experiments and care for the animals, but the experiment part wasn't working out." She thought I wasn't producing fast enough and working too many hours to compensate. She decided to "play to my strengths" and have me focus on more tissue based work rather than behavioral experiments. That was the reason she took me off my original grant, set to end in Feb. 2009, and put me on one that ends June 2008. I told her I understand I am still on the short grant, but wanted to give it another go. She seemed amenable to it, but hasn't given me anything yet. I feel really down about this and pretty scared. What if I'm doomed to keep repeating these same mistakes? What if I don't get into graduate school? What if I do? |
| I thought mine was good. Then I bought WordSmart for the GREs by the Princeton Review and found I don't know Jack or Squat! I spent and hour and a half last night making flashcards for just the A-section. I didn't really pick up as much as I thought I would by doing that. Sheesh, and I thought the math section would give me the most trouble. I'm registered to take the test Sept 29th. I've got to get the majority of my prep done before the start of the new semester. Turns out, the Environmental Science Dept. expects, but does not require for admission, a proficiency in Calculus, Statistics, and Physics. It's been 10 years since I've had any of those things. I'm currently trying to get into a Calculus class for next semester. My work will waive my tuition, but it might end up shaving a couple of days off my beach vacation in Sept.  . Spring semester looks like I'll be taking the second half of calc. as well a "Statistics for Environmental Sciences". My first graduate-level class, awww. I don't know how I'll handle a full time job and two classes (one of which I'll have to pay for out of pocket). In addition to that, I'm looking for a second job, a cushy one that will allow me to read or play with flashcards on the clock. I've got an application for the swanky healthclub that I'm currently a member of, but will unlikely be able to afford once in graduate school (if I get in). They have a cafe and espresso bar on sight. I'm thinking 10-15 hrs a week should do the trick. I might even get a membership discount!All this transitional stress, has me in a bummed out state lately. I went to bellydance class but couldn't focus enough to do anything that required coordination. I'm not that great normally, but it got me down a little more than usual yesterday. My house and car are disgusting. My allergies are screaming at me to do something about it. Maybe I'll skip yoga tonight and start on cleaning. It's an Intro to Ashtanga class, not very soothing. I need to do something soothing. I'll pop on by Robert Waltz 's poker game later this evening. Mopping the floor with those guys always gives me a boost. Marguaritas don't hurt either. |
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