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Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/2144562
Rated: 18+ · Book · Comedy · #2144562
Exhumed From Brother Nature's Graveyard of blogs for the (2020) 30Day Blogging Challenge
I'm excited about launching this new blog for 2018. I can't wait to find out what I may write in it.
Fast forward two years... and the future is still not here, WTF
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 ... Next
January 31, 2020 at 5:56pm
January 31, 2020 at 5:56pm
#974625
I'M BEGINNING TO LIKE THIS BLOG
I don't like this blog
YOU CAN TOO

*Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* MUSE APPROVED *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey*


2020 image 0001

30 Day Blogging Challenge PROMPT for January 31, 2020


There is no prompt for Day 31, but that's okay, I have some unfinished blogging from yesterday's prompt, and I would like to log that last day of the month on my blog calendar.

I was just about to start talking about my fellow bloggers in the Challenge when my uninterrupted time expired.

I met several new people this month, I'm not sure that I learned a whole bunch about them, but I'm a slow learner, which only means we'll have to form lengthy friendships if I'm expected to learn anything.

Meeting Debi Wharton and Eric Wharton was great, although I think Debi has stumbled into Andre's Banana Bar for last call. I love that they're a married couple participating in the Challange and other blogging groups. I had hoped at one time that Leslie would become involved in blogging, but it's not her thing. Leslie doesn't even read my blog anymore unless I ask to have a look, which is okay, because then I can write shit about her. Bwah hah hah.

I was not surprised to see Neva Prosperous Snow in the Challange, I've always enjoyed reading her entries and I think she is one of the most talented writers on the site.

Kåre Enga, P.O. 22, Blogville I've known for a while now. I find her his blog to be one of the most interesting, and is always a learning opportunity. I think of Kare when I write, I want to use more sophisticated words to appease her his masterful vocabulary, but then I decide, "Neh."
edited to accommodate a gender identification issue



There was a good turn out for this challenge, and I found it refreshing to have a larger number of male challengers involved. In some of the past challenges or groups, I've been the only male, or one of two if we count Wordsmitty ✍️ .

Bobturn Writes and posts his blog 5 minutes after the prompt is posted. His entries are enjoyable reads, and his comments are always thoughtful and encouraging.

Robert Waltz Had me laughing a few times and also shares thoughtful and encouraging comments.

Commenting and carrying on a conversation is the best part about blogging on this site. It's what makes posting a blog on the site better than posting a blog on any other site. Tinker , TaH2o , Sumojo , and ~QPdoll made my day on several days with their words of appreciation and encouragement.

Charrr 🌈 Fivesixer Emily PandaPaws;VETTECH Class of '20 BlueMoon Julie D - PUBLISHED! WakeUpAndLive‍‍~2020 Sum1 and Apondia I just tagged for no reason except to say, "Made you look!"

The best part about this past challenge is that I seem to have my writing mojo back, thanks to all of the folks I tagged in this entry and the ones I missed. Thank you, bloggers!

My writing plans for this month are not too ambitious. Andre the Blog Monkey is hosting a 5 Day Truth or Fiction Blog Challenge over in the Banana Bar. I'll probably have to write some rules, break up fights, stuff like that for Andre. I'd like to try a few Flash Fiction entries along the way.

Leslie and I are planning to relocate this spring, we're not going far, but we've noticed that there are some pretty nice properties in the area going on the market at pretty reasonable prices, so we figured we should buy one of these places and move, otherwise... we'll have to clean the oven. I'm only saying this because I think I'll take another stab at the 30 Day Blog Challenge in March, but that would be the only one I'll be able to participate in until Sept-Oct.


It's been a slice!

Come check out the 5 Day Truth or Fiction Blog Challenge. It'll be a fun five days.
SIGN-UP IS GOING ON NOW

5 Day Truth or Fiction Blogging

January 30, 2020 at 9:28pm
January 30, 2020 at 9:28pm
#974578
I'M BEGINNING TO LIKE THIS BLOG
I don't like this blog
YOU CAN TOO

*Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* MUSE APPROVED *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey*


2020 image 0001

30 Day Blogging Challenge PROMPT for January 30, 2020


Congratulations on making it to the last day of the competition! What was your favorite prompt from the last month? Did you learn anything new about your fellow competitors? What was the most rewarding aspect of participating in the competition?


I don't mind saying that I'm very pleased with myself for completing this month's 30 Day Blog Challenge. I dropped out mid-month in my last few attempts. I returned to WDC in November of 2019 after a fairly lengthy break, and it seems that the break from writing/blogging has done me well.

Remember what it was like when you wrote with a ball-point pen and the pen was running low on ink, writing became laborious, and the quality of your work rapidly diminished? Then you got a new pen and writing became enjoyable again.

This is how I feel - like I have a new pen.

But enough about me!

There were a lot of good prompts this round. It's hard to keep coming up with BLOG prompts with repeating prompts. It's nice that creative writing prompts can be slipped in to make things more interesting and keep things fresh. I think there was a good mix of blog and writing prompts, which made the challenge fun.

My favorite prompt (it was hard to choose) was the 'Saturday Creation' prompt, which had us picking up our imaginary friend at Imagination Station. I've written several entries overtime on that same prompt, but this time I decided to take a different approach to my entry, and I was very pleased with my entry, and the comments on that entry.

My ninth WdC anniversary went by this month. I'm saying this because I don't think I learned anything new about a fellow competitor, but I realized how well you get to know people through blogging and reading their other written works, be it poetry, short stories, Facebook posts, etc.

Most of my fellow competitors this month are new to me, having been away from the site for nearly 18 months.

I know that I continued to write more about myself after I wrote, "enough about me"

And here is where I would write the part about you if I wasn't out of time, but I have to get going now.
But don't worry, I'll write another blog entry tomorrow because it's the 30 Day +1 Blogging Challenge this month.


*Peace2*
January 29, 2020 at 2:14am
January 29, 2020 at 2:14am
#974478
I'M BEGINNING TO LIKE THIS BLOG
I don't like this blog
YOU CAN TOO

*Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* MUSE APPROVED *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey*


2020 image 0001

30 Day Blogging Challenge PROMPT for January 29, 2020


What is your favorite virtue? Give a few examples like kindness, cleanliness, tact, truth, generosity. Is your favorite one you possess, or one you simply admire in other people? Do you have a strategy to develop it yourself?


I'm looking into virtues now. I thought I knew enough about them to get by, but I was surprised by how much I don't know.

No, really!

So there are the twelve virtues of Aristotle.



FROM:Aesthetichealingmindset's Blog
Aristotle was a Greek Philosopher, a student of Plato who was responsible for major contributions for metaphysics to ethics, aesthetics, and politics. Aristotle thought that there were two overriding virtues, intellectual and moral. The intellectual virtues he claimed were acquired by inheritance and education and the moral ones through the imitation of practice and habit. The highest virtue, according to Aristotle was intellectual contemplation. In addition, there are an additional 12 virtues that can also be attributed to Aristotle and they are as follows:

1) Courage – bravery and valor
2) Temperance – self-control and restraint
3) Liberality – bigheartness, charity and generosity
4) Magnificence – radiance, joie de vivre
5) Pride – self-satisfaction
6) Honor – respect, reverence, admiration
7) Good Temper – equanimity, level headedness
8) Friendliness – conviviality and sociability
9) Truthfulness – straightforwardness, frankness and candor
10) Wit – sense of humor – meaninglessness and absurdity
11) Friendship – camaraderie and companionship
12) Justice – impartiality, evenhandedness and fairness


Then there are the 7 Catholic virtues...

FROM:wikiversity
The Seven Heavenly Virtues
The seven heavenly virtues were derived from the Psychomachia ("Contest of the Soul"), an epic poem written by Aurelius Clemens Prudentius (c. AD 410) entailing the battle of good virtues and evil vices.


These seven virtues are:
Chastity,
Temperance,
Charity,
Diligence,
Patience,
Kindness &
Humility/humble.


I found a list of forty virtues: https://www.familiesofcharacter.com/devblog10809/2018/3/21/what-are-the-40-virtu...

Another list I found was one-hundred virtues long, I'll spare you the details. But it made me think...

Hmmm, Why do the Catholics only have seven virtues?

I'm a confirmed Catholic I know we like to have our virtues, sacraments, commandments, and sins numbered, and I get that!
But, why can't we have more virtues? We had forty days and forty nights of this, that, and the other thing! Why can't we have virtues like we had loaves of bread? There was enough for everyone, right. Jesus made the water into wine... He didn't just make seven bottles!

I'm just bitter because 'Wit – a sense of humor – meaninglessness, and absurdity' Isn't one of the Catholic Seven. It's almost as if they're saying to me, "We don't appreciate your sense of humor."

Well fine then, just for that I'm going to trash your virtues, all seven of them!


Chastity - Fuck That!
Temperance - You can see where this is going from my response to the first virtue... strike Temperance!
Charity - Oh yeah! It's sooooo important that we all be charitable. Ruby Red Shoes!
Diligence - I don't even know what that word means, so I'll just keep going until I've completed the list.
Patience - For what? What are we waiting for? What?
Kindness
Humility/humble
- That's not even two virtues, it's more like three virtues thrown together with an added forward slash to make it count as two virtues, but it's really only one virtue. You could have added 'sense of humor' and still have only seven virtues.

My favorite virtue is 'justice'

I've always had a keen sense of fairness, and I'm an 'honesty' is the best policy sort of person.
I'm a Libra, not that I believe in astrology, but I do accept the scales of justice as a life-sign.
I wanted to be a lawyer at one time. I only wanted to be a lawyer because I really wanted to be a judge.
I changed career goals when I learned - 'It's better to be a good garbage collector than a bad lawyer.'

I get along very well with people who do not share my sense of fairness because they give me the opportunity to try right a wrong, balance the scales. Honesty is the only MUST HAVE virtue I look for in other people.

Maybe virtues are a little dated, look at how long they've been around. I think it's time we ball up all the virtues and simplify discernment down to a question of, "OCD yes or no?"

And Yes! It helps if you have a sense of humor.

January 28, 2020 at 12:49am
January 28, 2020 at 12:49am
#974402
I'M BEGINNING TO LIKE THIS BLOG
I don't like this blog
YOU CAN TOO

*Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* MUSE APPROVED *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey*


2020 image 0001

30 Day Blogging Challenge PROMPT for January 28, 2020


What's a topic you've always thought would be a great 30dbc discussion, but has never come up in the prompts? Why do you think it would stimulate discussion?


Sexuality was the first thing that came to my mind. I'm not sure if I should be telling you this.

I don't think there has been a prompt on the topic of sexuality. I'm not saying I want to see prompts on the topic. I don't think I could write a very interesting blog entry on the topic of sexuality, maybe a poem, I don't know.

Every day I find a blog entry where the writer took the prompt in a different direction or wrote something deserving of further discussion.
I may have even written an entry or two like this.

Additionally, people write extremely thoughtful comments, again, deserving of further discussion.

I see an opportunity to mine the entries and comments for blog prompts from the previous day. I think this could be interesting to try.

At one time there was an entry fee of 10 prompts before you were added to the blog challengers' list. Maybe you still do have this rule and I just didn't turn any in, but that was a good way to generate prompts. You might try instructing the bloggers to include the ten prompts in their first entry, so they don't just barge in and start writing blog entries without suppling some prompts to the war chest.

I like prompts that allow you to play a game. truth or fiction options, where people can decide whether the entry was true or made up, in the comments.

I think I will host a 5-Day Truth or Fiction Blog Challenge in February over at the Banana Bar.

I'll go work on that.


January 27, 2020 at 2:16am
January 27, 2020 at 2:16am
#974287
I'M BEGINNING TO LIKE THIS BLOG
I don't like this blog
YOU CAN TOO

*Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* MUSE APPROVED *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey*


2020 image 0001

30 Day Blogging Challenge PROMPT for January 27, 2020


Discuss a time in your life when someone has tried to "fix" or "solve" a problem for you - but you didn't see it as a problem in the first place.

How do you generally handle unsolicited opinions/advice?


Brother Nature Yard-Care was the name of the yard-care business I started and operated for 11 years. My youngest brother and I had a yard-care business together for six years before that. I closed my yard-care business when we moved out of the city and took up residence in Sunset Bay.

The point I'm trying to raise is: I know a thing or two about lawns and growing grass. (Not that kind of grass)

I enjoy the work and the reward earned in performing yard maintenance and landscaping. I was looking forward to transforming our yard at the lake into an amazing display of landscaping excellence featuring a large green, lush, healthy, weed-free lawn.

We moved in just before the snow arrived, so it wasn't until April that I was able to begin work on the lawn.

The front yard is approximately 900 sq. FT with a small ornamental pond center-right, The back is an oddly shaped 1800 sq. FT including a large rectangular garden, which I was returning back to lawn space.

I began by giving the entire property a spring clean up. (raking, grass cutting, string trimming, I worked a solid 6 hrs)

I met our new neighbor, Norm. We spoke for quite a while. Norm mentioned a couple of times how he cut the grass for the previous owners. And I mentioned back a couple of times that I would be taking care of my own lawn-care chores.

I should clarify that we were still in the process of moving to the lake and were just going there on weekends at this time.

So now it makes sense when I say, the next weekend I cut the grass, and Norm came over on his riding-mower and started to help me cut my lawn.
Afterward, we had a chat during which I mentioned that he didn't have to help me with my lawn work, and Norm reminded me that he used to cut the lawn for the previous owners.

The next weekend I applied weed-control to the entire lawn.

The weekend after that I cut the lawn, then put down an application of granular fertilizer as well as another application of weed control. It rained the night after I did this, which made for ideal conditions for over-seeding the entire yard. All of this was about 8hrs work and nearly $300.00 in lawn-care products.

The following weekend when I arrive in Sunset Bay I'm greeted by a brown, dry, dead lawn, front and back.
Someone had come and cut the lawn and literally shaved it.

I was standing out in the middle of the deforestationated area thinking WTF! when Norm pops out between the hedge that separates our yards, and shouts, "Hey I cut your lawn for you."

With what?

With my lawn-tractor.

It's umm kinda short.

That way you don't have to cut it as often.

What I really meant to say was, "It's cut way too short, it's burnt, dead!"

Yeah, I had a problem with my mower, the cutting deck is broken, it pretty much just drags along the ground.

Why didn't you just stop?

Oh, it was like that before I started, my lawn tractor's been broken for a couple of weeks now.

Last week I put about three hundred dollars worth of fertilizer, weed control, and grass-seed on the entire lawn, front and back.

It doesn't look like it.

I have to go in the house now, Norm.

Norm and I had a couple more conversations before he stopped cutting my lawn. We formed some sort of slow withdrawal of services schedule. Norm moved away a couple of years ago, he was a pretty good neighbor, a very nice man, and he has a lovely family.

Norm gets to be the double feature in today's blog entry because not only is he the lawn-killing lunatic unwanted lawn-care technogeek of Sunset Bay he is also the reigning king of unsolicited opinions/advice.

How do I handle this? I just smile and nod. Smile and Nod.

January 26, 2020 at 1:53am
January 26, 2020 at 1:53am
#974217
I'M BEGINNING TO LIKE THIS BLOG
I don't like this blog
YOU CAN TOO

*Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* MUSE APPROVED *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey*


2020 image 0001

30 Day Blogging Challenge PROMPT for January 26, 2020

Put on your creative thinking caps *Smile*

Yesterday was Opposite Day!
Today I want you to take an opposite point of view.
Imagine a place you go to regularly - the gym, your regular coffee shop, wherever you choose.
Take up the POV of the person at the counter, the bike across from you, anyone person you choose.
What's your first impression of yourself?
Is it the real you or one you plan and project?



Look at Me 1

Look at Me 1 and 2


I am fully convinced that a picture is worth a thousand words, so my blog entry is already two thousand words long.

Thanks for hanging in there! I'll try to wrap things up in a sentence or two.

I'm the same person every day, regardless of where I am or who is in my presence.

What people get when they meet me is someone who is polite, kind, generous, willing to help, willing to act, mostly what they will notice is that they will be treated with respect, and at some point, they may find something I say funny.

There are people out there who may not see me this way, but that's on them, I'm happy being me and I won't change.

That's a wrap!
Happy Sunday.

January 25, 2020 at 2:32pm
January 25, 2020 at 2:32pm
#974172
I'M BEGINNING TO LIKE THIS BLOG
I don't like this blog
YOU CAN TOO

*Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* MUSE APPROVED *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey*


2020 image 0001


30 Day Blogging Challenge PROMPT for January 25, 2020

CREATION SATURDAY!
Put on your creative thinking caps *Smile*

You're headed down to Imagination Station to pick up your imaginary friend.
Tell us about the friend - is it human? Humanoid? Animal? Talking banana? Three-headed monster who's afraid of heating blankets? What's their story? Likes/Dislikes? What name do they answer to? Why are they in your life?

Don't forget to tell us how your friend ended up at the station in the first place!


This is one of those gut-churning prompts that force me out of my comfort zone and obligate me to expose the raw, emotionally draining, truth of the traumatic experiences of my past imagined relationships.

I was almost healed, well, as healed as one can expect. All the hours of attending imagination over-load support group sessions, and the many years of dealing with the pain through medicating and self-medicating, which is still medicating! is in jeopardy of being undone, because now I have to re-live the past emotional, imagined abuse and suffering I endured at the hands of my imagined past.

Paranoia is not one of my delusions, but I can't help but think that this prompt was written to somehow antagonize me directly, or maybe there is a deeper conspiracy going on here directed, secretly, by the imagined 1%.

As the prompter is fully aware, there is nobody waiting for me at Imagination Station. Not a friend, that's a fact.


I bet the station is as busy with imaginated travelers, coming and going and making connections just like it was in the past when I associated with imagined friends. (I still can't bring myself to calling them, friends.)

For the record, I'll clear up the notion that is widely held, which is... Andre the Blog Monkey is an imaginary friend of mine. He is not!
Andre is an imagined business partner of mine, who is contracted to provide content for my writing efforts. When he's not doing that, he works independently on the Writing Dot Com site inspiring others to inject creativity and humor into their work. Sometimes Andre may only make a reader smile or wonder momentarily about something that would have not otherwise occurred the reader. That! is what Andre the Blog Mokey's job is.

Andre is also a self-made bizzilionaire, and I've always said, "If you want to be successful, you have to surround yourself with successful people/muses. Additionally, Andre contracts the retail spaces at the Imagination Stations Inc. locations around the world. So if you buy a package of mints at an I-Station, thank a monkey.

I know what goes on at Imagination Station, but I'm staying far far away, those imagined freaks are no friends of mine. At one time they were, or so I thought.

We had some fun times in the past, those times are long gone and only serve to remind me that an imagined friend is not a loyal friend.

Like the time when I was hanging with Goober, Stoney Joe, Evil Bulwealval, and the Mayhem Monkeys. We were having a rave party. I was having the best time of my life, and sure, maybe I was drinking a little too much, and smoking a little too much, and drinking a little too much, but... fun is fun and you can't beat fun.


Then you learn who your friends really are once the police get involved.

Why didn't Evil Bulwealval offer to drive? Evil B always did the driving in bad weather and is always eager to take the wheel during episodes of road rage, but as soon as the cops ask for the license and registration Evil B is nowhere to be found.
Then when you tell the officer that it was Giant Rabbit's idea to go out and buy more booze, Giant Rabit is not there to accept responsibility. The only thing Giant Rabbit does for you is making the officers tighten those handcuffs another couple of clicks and fill out the paperwork to take a blood sample and search your house for illegal drugs.

Now I'm starting to get angry all over again. It took me a lot of time to learn that these imagined friends are not very good friends at all, and my life would be much less dramatic and tragic without them involved in it. This is why I excommunicated all of them, even Sexy Sadie, who I miss the most, oh yeah... Sexy Sadie.

I picked her up at the station more often than I want to admit, in fact, I deny ever spending hours of each day with her.

I don't know Sexy Sadie.

What are you talking about?

Do me a favor, assumed and imagined reader. Forget everything I just wrote. I do have an imaginary friend waiting for me at the Imagination Station. I'll go pick her up a little later on. She's always there, waiting just for me. She looks like I want her to look like and wears what I imagine her wearing.

Turn off the lights on your way out.

Giggity.

January 24, 2020 at 1:16am
January 24, 2020 at 1:16am
#974078
I'M BEGINNING TO LIKE THIS BLOG
I don't like this blog
YOU CAN TOO

*Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* MUSE APPROVED *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey*


2020 image 0001


30 Day Blogging Challenge PROMPT for January 24, 2020

Yesterday celebrated National Handwriting Day in the USA. How often do you still hand write anything substantial? Do you think the decline in children learning cursive writing will be a hindrance to their generation?


I handwrite meeting notes, in a scribbler, and I've recently returned to keeping a 'Daytimer' I like to write using my mouse as my pen in Window's Paint. If this seems substantial, then yes. I handwrite several times a week.

I was not aware there was a National Handwriting Day in the USA celebrated yesterday. Nobody tells me anything. I had no idea.

In school, my son had difficulty printing letters, so much so, teaching him cursive wasn't even a consideration. Luckily for him, the use of keyboards was a common teaching tool at the time. (Something my generation did not have) This allowed him to complete almost all of his school assignments using a keyboard. He has graduated, taken college courses, and works in IT. He's part of a new generation that leaves behind very little handwriting samples.

Most of our handwritten history has been digitized. I don't think we lose anything there.

I don't think it will be a hindrance to their generation or future generations. Oh, they'll have hindrances alright, but leaving handwriting to the history books won't be one of them.



*Monkey* YOU CAN KINDA SEE THE WRITING ON THE WALL


January 23, 2020 at 6:27pm
January 23, 2020 at 6:27pm
#974052
I'M BEGINNING TO LIKE THIS BLOG
I don't like this blog
YOU CAN TOO

*Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* MUSE APPROVED *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey* *Monkey*


2020 image 0001


30 Day Blogging Challenge PROMPT for January 23, 2020

Finish this story: A girl, sitting alone on a rock at the edge of the woods, jumps when she hears…


A girl, sitting alone on a rock at the edge of the woods, jumps when she hears someone shout, "look out there's a bear coming straight fo" ...


See what I did there?
January 22, 2020 at 3:39am
January 22, 2020 at 3:39am
#973936
Vaca - 2020


I'm partially awake, but I am numb from head to toe, my eyes are closed yet visions of passing shapes and dreamy figures fade in and out of my line of sight.
Am I dreaming, I wonder? I sense a warm slippery string of drool rolling down my chin. I try to wipe it but the back of my hand disintegrates as it brushes my face.
Then I'm aware of that smell. Aughgg yuck! like spoiled food and stale booze, putrid drunk monkey stench, I want to vomit, then It hits me. I become fully awake.

Oh My Fucking God!

We're on another bloody Writing dot com vacation. I look to my left, the entire environment spins but my head stays still. Sure enough, I see him, that crazy-ass monkey, Andre.


Andre. ... Andre. ... Andre! ... Andre!!! WAKE UP! You're driving!

"You know I hate to travel! How many times did I say I just want to stay home and be left alone. How did we end up out here in the .. in the ... in the... where the hell are we anyway? What the hell is going on here?"

"We're on vacation Brother Nate! Amy said we had to go on a vacation. I know you hate it, so I drugged your drugs, and loaded you in the mayhem-mobile, long story - short,... Better put on some sun-screen this shit's about to heat the fuck up."

"Amy said! Do you do everything Amy says now?"

"Wouldn't you?"

"Yeah, I guess. ... ... ... You stink!"

"You'll get used to it."

"Alright, so where are we going this time, and can we please just turn around and go home."

"We'll be home soon enough. There's a little place I want to show you, it's just past that spiral galaxy on the left, and at the end of the worm-hole beyond the second moon of Depression."

"Depression?"

"Yeah, you wouldn't like it there."

"I don't like it here."

"Cheer up Natey old boy, we're going to have a blast."

I closed my eyes for what seemed to be only a second or two, and everything seemed to pixelate away, swirl around, and re-configure, then turn blank.

My next sensation was embarrassing pleasant and absolutely awkward. I'm not really sure what took place, but a seven-foot-tall, 450 pounds, outlaw biker with a beard like a mop gave me a great big hug and said, welcome to Rock n Roll Heaven. I'm Doc, the Roady. I'll be your host and tour guide.

I looked over at Andre, he had that impish grin on his little round monkey face. Okay, I have to admit, this is a good one, I've always wanted to go to Rock n Roll Heaven.

Things went spinning out of control, foul smells insulted my senses, there was more pixelating and disintegrating, lengthy streams of drool, then... poof! I'm back home and all is right with the world.

"How was Rock n Roll Heaven," Leslie asks as if it's something that everyone does all the time?

It was fucking awesome! First thing I did was go visit Buddy Holly, we jammed together, then got into an argument and had a fistfight. He won, but we both laughed about it.
Then Jim Morrison dropped by and he and Andre got drunk as fuck. Jim's a poet, ya know. Swears a lot, and we had to keep telling him to put his shirt back on.

Elvis Presley plays every night to a full house, but we couldn't get tickets. So we went to see John Lennon instead, I got a chance to talk to him backstage and he asked me about Yoko. I had to sort of pretend I knew something about her, so I said she's doing really well and always seems to have a hit song on the charts, but I think he knew I was lying.

And you know how much I like Michael Jackson, so I asked where I could go see him, but I was told he wasn't there. Neither was Prince, but oddly enough, when it rains, it rains purple rain. The thunder is so loud, ba da ba da ba - ba da ba daba da - crash! John Bonham Moby dick ... dick ...dick. Then Neil Peart shows up and tells Bonzo to pack up his kit and fuck off. Bonzo looks at Neil and says, "I'm in no RUSH." Then they start hitting each other with drum sticks, just beating on each other. A crowd gathers and start cheering them on, people are pulling Bic lighters out and holding them in the air, lit. I asked Doc, "Is this normal for heaven?" Doc turns to me a says, "This is Rock n Roll Heaven, light up, and enjoy the show.

A little later Stevie Ray Vahan invited me to play harmonica with him, and I smoked pot with, well with everybody, but mostly Janis Joplin.

When I mentioned Janice Joplin, Leslie gave me that look, so I knew it wasn't a good idea to tell her the rest of that part of the vacation.

Turns out that Gord Downy is Mayor of Rock n Roll Heaven and because we're both from Canada he gave me the keys to the city, but I lost them in the back seat of Jani... is that Andre?.

Then Andre did something really stupid and ended up getting us kicked out of Rock n Roll Heaven. He dressed up like Keith Richards and shouted, "Here I am, sorry I'm late!" That pissed a lot of people off because they've been expecting Keith to show up at any minute for quite some time. Andre and I tried to make a run for it but Doc grabbed us both by the scruff of the neck, tossed us in the Mayhem Machine and told us to never come back.

I'm going back though, I'm totally going back.


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