A journal/blog dealing with aspects of mental health and random thoughts.
Thoughts Of A Troubled Mind|
This is very much a learning exercise for me. I have never written a blog in my life but, as they say, ‘nothing ventured, nothing gained’. So here goes.
Please be patient, and any tips will be really appreciated.
|Mental Health Quotes – Positive and Negative
I’m just using one quote for this one. It, to me, is both encouraging and completely the opposite, all at the same time.
‘The Buddha knew one thing science didn’t prove for millennia after his death: entropy increases. Things fall apart.’ John Green from ‘Looking For Alaska’.
First, the encouraging way of looking at this: what happens would happen anyway. What is the point of feeling guilty, or of self-blame, if there was nothing you could have done to change things? Maybe you could have slowed things down or sped them up, but hey, they were going to collapse at some time or other, whatever you did or said. The rule of entropy says that everything that comes together falls apart.
Turn it around though, and it becomes just another sign of our powerlessness. Whatever we do, we can’t change things. The outcome is inevitable so where is the point in trying? This feeling of helplessness is one of the fundamental causes of depression.
Maybe at another time this quote would not seem so powerful to me, but right now, at least in its negative form, it really sums up how I feel.
|I'm sitting here looking out of the window at the clouds rolling across the sky.
Pale grey...dark grey...some almost black. They kind of sum up the summer really, for it has been one with very few bright spots at all.
The only good thing that I can think of -- at least we did not melt in all of that heat!
Communication of the eye-to-eye, face-to-face kind for me is like walking through a field packed with unexploded mines.
Eye contact makes me uncomfortable at best, is squirmingly impossible most often. I'll never hold a gaze for longer than a couple of seconds. Unless it's with a cat or a dog; I'm far, far more comfortable with those.
Then we'll add the little cues; the ones that you are supposed to read and react to. For me it's an attempt that will somehow backfire. Someone smiles and I'll think they are laughing at me; someone laughs and I get seriously offended. Never mind the fact that so often that is the case, but that's another story.
What I need to improve things is a 'pause' button. This could give me a chance to weigh up my responses without that silence, that impatient, 'Well?' If only...Even more important would be a 'back space' where I could take back words, make it so that they had never been said. So often I have walked, or rather talked, myself into a situation that I know is going to go seriously wrong. That realization comes too late and I'll have to put up with the consequences.
Another problem with person-to-person, face-to-face conversation is holding my ground. I don't have the confidence to say 'no' and to stick with it. If I get pushed in to a corner, I end up defensive. This will show up in one of two ways; I'll either cave in, often with tears, or I'll stick to my point, arguing it and coming over as at least mildly aggressive.
If only all communication could be done by keyboard I'd be alright. I'd be able to think instead of speak spontaneously; I'd be able to withdraw words that I decide are somehow wrong.
It can't be, though, and that is why so often I wish I could just take a vow of silence and be done with it.