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Rated: 18+ · Book · Parenting · #1993809
A continuation of my original blog, "Surviving Motherhood".
Welcome to my world of middle school, high school, and motherhood. The life of a mom is never easy, especially as children grow, and especially when you have a special needs child.

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November 22, 2017 at 6:44pm
November 22, 2017 at 6:44pm
I'll be blunt and cut straight to the chase-I haven't been up to feeling much lately. There have been some personal things that have been bringing me down, and as always, I'm having high anxiety with a lot of things, and perceiving people to believe things I don't know they're actually believing or not. My head has been fucking with me for a little while now, and sometimes, the truth is worse than what the fiction in my head is.

I'm seeing things apathetically right now, which kinda sucks. I want to change it, but...I dunno. I'm not entirely sure how to. Mental health is a tricky tight rope that you have to walk carefully every day. Some days I can zoom to a better spot. Some days I'm tentative and scared to move a foot, and some days I just don't give a fuck and want to fall off the rope altogether. Can't do that though. Gotta stay on the rope-if not for me, for the kids at least. Sometimes I have to be sure to remind myself that. Every once in awhile, when the shadows sit for a bit, the darkness looks like a friendlier place than the light with all the people and the bullshit.

Ugh, I swore I wouldn't come in here like this. I'm mucking it all up.

Anywho. To recap-not in the best of places right now, but trying. Physical health is getting better, albeit hindered by extra weight, which I have finally realized how I've gained so quickly. I let me primary care physician know that I was extremely interested in taking another a1c, which she granted me that day. 4 months earlier, I had taken it, and found out that it was really high. it was a 12.8. I've never been that high in my life, and that frightened me. She was scared, I was scared, my body was having issues, and that was when I finally broke down and decided it was time to hit the endocrinologist, because I wasn't going to live like this much longer, if at all. With the last 4 months of insulin therapy and some changes, a few additions to my medicine, we saw a HUGE difference. My labs came in today, and I found that I'm at a 7.5 now. That's a 5.3 difference, which is HUGE. If I was just .8 less, I would be in the non-diabetic range.

I'm not going to lie, the work has been really fucking hard. Especially because I hardly ever take my glucose meter with me, and because I don't usually follow my insulin regimen when outside the house. I've learned that both of those are no longer an option though. I take it all with me, glucose meter and necessities, needles, swabs and vials. Sometimes I'm a traveling pharmacy, but it's necessary to make sure I never see 12.8 again. I was lucky that the worst that was happening to me at the time was some abscesses on my skin. My eyes are still good through it all, and other things are still relatively fine. I think that's because I have age on my side right now. I'm sure if I were 20 years older, I wouldn't be in as good a position as I am now.

So as you can see, there are some things out there that I'm glad about. Pthb

Thanksgiving is upon us tomorrow. I'm not entirely sure the house is ready for it. Not to say that we're expecting guests, as we're not, but I still have dishes that need to be washed for tomorrow's usage, and I also have a couple of large boxes overflowing with cookie materials that need to be put together. I'm not sure if I'm in quite the right mindset right now to be able to pull either of these two feats off, especially by myself. I'm hoping that there will be some grace from everyone tomorrow, and that my shadow walker, Mr. Ryan, will guide me back to the path of the light tomorrow so we can work together to get tomorrow done.

I've birthed my own therapist. Crazy. I love this kid though, he sees what the rest don't, and he knows just what to do to get me to the safe side. I'm very lucky to have him. As far as tomorrow goes, I'm very thankful to have what I do at this time. Even when things change. Even when things go south. Life ebbs and flows, and all we can do is hold onto something and let the waves pass and see where we've moved to.

November 14, 2017 at 12:58pm
November 14, 2017 at 12:58pm
You know, I've never properly sat here and written how amazing Ryan's experience with the youth orchestra has been. This is his first full year, but second season playing with them, and I love everything they do. These kids have such amazing talent, and when I say kids, I mean KIDS, like high school kids. Like 7th grade to 12th grade. Never seen anything like it before in my life, and I'm so thrilled that we get to be a part of it. Symphonies have always intrigued me as a kid, so getting to hear a live one for free that's made entirely of kids is just phenomenal. The talent that flows through this county is AMAZING, and that includes my son!

When they had the concert last Friday, Ryan got to show off his skills with a solo that got encored by the conductor, he was so impressed with it. Ryan is an amazing kid, that's for sure. I'm so thrilled he gets be a part of these things! Imagine how it's going to look on a college application! I'm so proud of him! He was getting a lot of back pats and congrats from the parents that were in the audience. I was so proud!

He made 4th chair for all county this year, which I'm pretty proud of as well! I know next year is tri-county, and I cannot wait to see if he makes it that year too.

November 12, 2017 at 4:31pm
November 12, 2017 at 4:31pm
Today has been a somewhat busy and productive day. We've spent the morning doing some laundry, making breakfast sandwiches, doing some dishes, etc. Today, Grace had her 12th birthday party, and Journey, was of course, invited. I am so thrilled that Journey has such a great friend in Grace. They're wonderful together, and I love that they care about each other so much. I spoke with Melissa about the party, seeing if I should get base clearance to go on base and take Journey, or if it was okay for just Journey to go with them, so I didn't have to get base clearance. In the end, it worked out that Journey went with Grace and family to the bowling alley on base, because I ended up having a meeting with my association cookie manager today to get all the materials I needed and was shorted for cookie season this year. It was a very productive meeting with Laurel, and I'm glad we had it. Lots of questions answered. I'm going to need to write out a structure for our training on December 9th. Laurel surprised me and said she may come. I like that idea.

Anyway, back to the milestone! Because I was meeting with Laurel, I asked Melissa if she could please drop Journey off at our house, because I didn't know when I' be back. Melissa agreed to do so, and Journey was off, on her way to celebrate with Grace.

Today is the first birthday party Journey's ever been to that I did not attend with her.

This has never happened before, in all her 11 years of life, up until this point. It seems natural that it would happen at Grace's party, as we've been family friends for years. Grace was the first sleepover that Journey had. Melissa sent me some pictures of the party, and it looked like everyone was having a good time. I'm so glad that she was able to attend and didn't need me to be there with her! This has been a long time coming.

November 7, 2017 at 1:25pm
November 7, 2017 at 1:25pm
Today we held an IEP meeting that was needed to help Journey with some adjustments to her middle school education. I really do think these supports will help her a lot. I almost teared up being in that meeting with people who care so much about my girl. Her caseworker is AMAZING, she calls me to share information all the time, and has her in a social skills group during lunch, to get her to start initiating making friends more often. Journey is more of a "come to me" friend, which there's nothing wrong with that, but she needs to know that she can go to them as well, it doesn't always have to be someone coming to her. We were all discussing on how well she's adapted to middle school so far, and I was telling them how blown away I was that she's taken so well. Last year was kind of tough, and I worried about her greatly. This year, she seems to be doing fantastic with her supports in place, and I'm so thrilled to hear it. I was so grateful that I could call an IEP meeting if I felt necessary (which I did), and they would oblige. Our special ed experience thus far has been really great, and we're very lucky to be in a school area that has that kind of system in place. I'm very appreciative.

Our sweet girl has seemed to have turned a corner when 6th grade has come up, and she's taken to it with a shine. She's got an amazing personality, and she just radiates it. She's making so many friends, and the teachers adore her. She's a hard worker, and she cares a lot. She's an amazing girl, she really is. I couldn't be more proud of her! To hear all these amazing things about her, doing her school work, and being social, and being sweet and kind, it makes my heart burst. I love that other people get to see this about her. It makes my day!

Ryan is doing well in his classes so far also, which I'm extremely proud about. There's hardly any time to breathe between one class to the next, and he's taking all his work very seriously. I've witnessed him buckle down and do what needs to be done, and I am so proud of him. He works so hard. So far, the first quarter has been tough, but rewarding. The kids seem to be doing well in their new homes, and I'm so grateful to know that's the case.

We've got 3 band concerts coming up this month. He has SMYOC on Friday, then all county honor band next Friday, then high school band the Monday after. Super busy! I hope he's not "band"ed out by the end of the month.

We were going to try and go to Florida for Thanksgiving to see Don's aunt, but I don't think it's going to come to fruition. The money just isn't there right now, and you can't make that kind of thing just appear out of nowhere. We're going to try and shoot for new year's instead, and see if we can make it then. I was kind of bummed to find out that I wouldn't be cooking for an audience this time. I've never made Thanksgiving for more than the 4 of us (well, Dixon included....and he's something else! He's a turkey thief!), I was kind of excited to see how I would do with more people. Oh well.

October 29, 2017 at 4:04pm
October 29, 2017 at 4:04pm
The middle school has genius marketing for fundraising for the school. They don't require the middle schoolers to bring home any catalogs or chocolate bars, sell candles or wrapping paper. Instead, they create school dances. For just $5 a student, your kiddo can get into the dance, and be social. Around this age, with so many kids wanting to attend a dance and meet up with friends in a safe but fun environment, it's GENIUS. You figure the school holds about 1100 kids, even if only half of them want to go, that's a boatload of money right there. They also ask parents for donations of drinks and candy, so they can sell those, as well as pizza, and trinkets at the concession stands.

When Ryan was in middle school, he wanted NOTHING to do with the dances. We couldn't even talk him into going to his 8th grade formal, and all his friends went. Ryan did not ask to go to homecoming this year (which is good, because he doesn't have a suit, and I don't have $30 to give him to go in), and I have a sneaking suspicion that unless he's dragged or he gets asked, he's not going to be attending any proms either. He's as stay put as his father is.

Whereas Ryan didn't, and still doesn't, buy into the shiny....Journey does. My girl has decided she is ALL ABOUT the dances. So far, she's attended every one that's been thrown. Don even chaperones the night time PTA ones so he can be there with her while she goes. It's insanely awesome. But never, in my wildest dreams, did I think my autistic daughter would be interested in loud, crowded, overstimulating dances.

According to those who give me feedback (because Journey won't really talk to me about the dances), she rarely actually dances, but she does socialize quite a bit. Sometimes with kids she knows, sometimes with kids she doesn't know. Don said she was talking to some 7th graders this last dance on Friday. I was shocked!! This is all new, interesting information to me. This is another side of Journey that I've never seen before. She's willingly going out of her comfort level to be social and have fun after school hours, and meet with new people. Believe me when I say, that music is LOUD. You can hear it outside the school. But, she seems to do fine while it's on, and it doesn't keep her from doing whatever it is that she wants to do while she's there. I love it. I love that she's unabashedly herself, and that she chooses to do these things, even if they're out of her comfort zone. I love that she goes in there, even without a bestie, and just has a great time. Grace is the closest thing to a best friend Journey has ever had, and Grace wouldn't be caught dead at one of those things. She's just not that type of girl. Journey is. Journey doesn't really care if people she knows are going or not, she just wants to go. I say, as long as we continue to have $5 for her to go, she can keep going. If this is what helps her remember her middle school experiences fondly, then so be it. I want to help her carry that on.

October 18, 2017 at 7:15pm
October 18, 2017 at 7:15pm
For what feels like the first time in eternity, I think we're back on track again. I feel like we've been playing loads of catch up for the last I dunno how long, and it's been driving me insane. Ryan made all county honor band again this year, and now things are starting to feel a bit more familiar. Don't get me wrong, shit's still kinda weird. This whole "Up at 6 am" dealy has got me baffled. My day has suddenly stretched and morphed into something I can't quite recognize, and my body is still trying to figure things out. (I'll get to that here in a little bit though). We were all just thrown into this new, faster ballgame. I thought I was ready. I thought we all were. I was wrong. Way wrong.

But that's how you adapt. You get thrown into it, and you just start trying to swim any way you know how, and try to keep moving with the pace. I'm very proud to say that we've done pretty exceptionally at staying afloat so far. I think it was easier to swallow when Ryan went to middle school because Journey was still in elementary. We only had to deal with one new component. Now suddenly we have to deal with a shit ton, and I find myself trying to find ways to cope. Why is it I can't remember my own high school years being this frazzled and crazy? Perhaps it was just a simpler time for me? I dunno. The sprint is always so much more hard when you're doing it with your kid. When it's just you, and you're young, you're a little cocky, you think you've got this, you bolt, and you never look back. This is harder, because I'm not as in good of shape as I was back then, and now I've got to contend with this for him, not for me. But at the same time, it doesn't matter for me to be sprinting to the finish-it matters for him. How do other parents do this?? Are they just less involved, or do they not carry everything around, or are they busy with their own things? I dunno. I've never ever been to this point in my life before. I will never be at this point again. Time's march is probably one of the most confusing things to live through. Interesting how all of us do it uniquely.


Sometimes I worry about Journey, and her grades, and how things are actually going. She's quite charming, and teachers tend to fall in love with her, which makes me kind of worried that she does this as a defense mechanism so if her grades ever get bad enough, they'll never get THAT bad. I hope that's not the case, and I hope I'm wrong. I know the teachers find her very relatable, sweet, and kind. I appreciate that they think so sweetly of her, and I agree, she's a doll, but I also need her to be a more responsible, advocating doll. She's got this thing where she doesn't seem to want to ask for help even though she's in desperate need of it. For some reason, she's not asking. I keep getting on her about it. Her math teacher is noticing it too, and leaving comments about it in correspondence. When I offer my assistance in any way, I don't get an answer back from either the teacher or Journey. I just don't want this to fall into the same trap over and over again. I want Journey to actually be given a chance to prove that she's capable. And then I need her to actually PROVE that she is. I feel like sometimes she just defaults back to being sweet and lovely, so people are more congenial with her and will cut her some slack. I'm afraid she's going to run into the teacher that finally won't accept that kind of currency, and Journey is going to suffer and pay the consequence at some point. That's when I'll really be worried-once that hits the fan, I'm worried she won't want to return to school anymore. I don't know how to get her into the habit of asking for help, and how to be more of an advocate for herself. I don't want her to just slide by the seat of her pants. I think tomorrow I'm going to give a call to her caseworker, who sees her every day, and talk to her about this. I can see the cycles already, and I don't want it to happen and make things worse.

Strangely though, in this way, with these attachments, she seems to be networking her way through middle school, and turning it into a positive experience. I'm impressed, and I also hope that this isn't just a facade. She's actually taken to middle school better than I thought she would. I didn't expect this. I'm thrilled it's this, but it's definitely not what was expected. I'm not sure what to make of it honestly. Most of me says to take it at face value, and just go with the flow. The other part of me knows that she can hide things really well, and she will wear that mask until her hands fall off. The only thing I can think to do at this point is keep my door open, keep my eyes open, take her at face value, and pray she opens when or if something happens. I'm pretty sure if it was something relatively big in size, she wouldn't hide it from me. I don't know if she could, and I'm kind of happy about that honestly.

Journey is taking to her middle school role better than Ryan takes to his high school one. Journey's interested in going to the dances, and meeting all these new and exciting people. Ryan likes to keep to himself. I was hoping he'd have a little more high school pride, but he just seems kind of...indifferent. I didn't expect him to be Mister Johnny High School, but I thought since it was going to be his home for the last 4 years of free public education, he'd be a little more into it. Maybe he's not that type of kid though.

It's so strange how he's morphed. When he was little, he was running for president, and he would tell anyone that listened who he was, what he was about, what he was interested in, etc. He would talk your ear off for days. It's like he's found a hermit crab shell and climbed inside now. When he was 6, he was very sociable. Now that he's 14, he doesn't really care about being social at all. I hardly hear anything about friends. I think he has a few...he gets invited to birthday parties...I dunno. It's like his social life doesn't exist, and it kinda freaks me out, because he was so social as a little kid, and now suddenly he's not at all. Is that just part of growing up? I just started noticing it gradually happening, from 4th grade on....his birthday party guest lists just started shrinking to nothing. This last year, he didn't even have a party. Not that he didn't try though. I dunno. sometimes I worry about them, and hope that things are okay. Sometimes I want to pick their brains and find out what's going on in their worlds for a bit, but sometimes, I find that I don't want to upset them or get them worried or suspicious if I'm constantly questioning them. That's when I tell myself to calm down, and if there's something that needs to be said, hope they say it to me. Is that where I'm wrong?


So, I got lazy and a bit out of hand with my diabetes, which is NOT a good thing. It was scaring my primary care physician so much that she begged me to go to an endocrinologist in case my system was getting wrecked way worse than we thought it was. The last time I went to an endo, she decided to retire, and left a horrible person in her place of a nurse practitioner. That woman almost single handedly ruined my life, as I refused to go back to that office until she was gone.

My body is an anomaly. My body has never operated the way it's supposed to, in a myriad of different fashions. There would be times where I was overdosing myself in insulin just to get some sort of relief from high blood sugar, and nothing would happen. I sat high for quite awhile, which scares me, because I was sitting high for awhile before I went into ketoacidosis back in 2005. That's a one week ICU trip I'd rather not ever relive.

So, I went to the new endo, and she gave me a lot of good tips. She also kind of regenerated my insulin system, and we reconfigured when I needed what most, and what to put where. I started back on my regimen, and I have to tell you, it feels like I've taken back over my life again. I feel like I just woke up out of hibernation, like I was foggy and dazed at first, and now I'm starting to find some semblance of normal again. It's almost a surreal feeling.

Because of all this stopping and restarting though, my body is finding it a bit hard to keep up. Back when I was high, I didn't really feel any sort of pain or anything. Now that I'm normal, I do. I feel it to my bones. And though that's not preferable, I'd rather be normal and feel all the pain than be high and not feel anything. That kinda actually scares me. Two weeks into my new regimen of insulin doses and adjustments, my back decided that my top front is much too heavy to lug around, and thus, my back went out. I've been wearing a brace for the last I don't know how long now, trying to get my back back into place. It's a slow process, and I feel like sometimes recovery is never going to come, but at the same time, I can feel there's progress there, and I'm starting to get there again. A few weeks ago, I went on a girl scout camping trip with Journey, and I went above and beyond, like what I was used to doing, and by the end of that weekend, I was in shambles. It took me almost a week and a half to recover. My body doesn't seem to bounce back the way it used to. I thought doing all this walking to and from the bus stop would help me lose weight and get me nice and healthy, and all it really did is expose just how unhealthy I really am. There were a couple of days I had to ask a neighborhood friend to pick up Journey from the bus stop at the firehouse, because my back just couldn't take it. These days, over a month into the new insulin regimen, I'm starting to feel my strength build a little more at a time. I can get to the corner I stand at quicker now. I can do it without losing too much breath. There are days when I feel I can go even farther than where I'm at...but I don't want to risk my health by trying and then set myself backwards.

Resets require copious amounts of sleep for me. There are days when I just need a nap, all day. I'll get up, get Journey ready for school, see Ryan off to school,, go fall asleep. Wake up, get something to drink, go to the bathroom, test my blood sugar, get something in me, catch up on some news, talk to Don through email for a little while, then need to go pass out again. Sometimes I wake up, go to the bathroom, then go lay back down again. I always make sure I get up in time to get to my corner to pick up Journey though.

Slowly but surely.

October 9, 2017 at 6:34pm
October 9, 2017 at 6:34pm
Journey and I were upstairs talking the other night, not about anything in particular, but all at once, I had the urge to tell her about Santa's existence. I know I had said that i was going to share with her when Don was around, and I'm sorry that it didn't work out that way, but these things just tend to lead off from different places. I wasn't prepared for it to come at first, but when it did, I realized, it came at just the right time. The kids' first Santa, Russ, has moved away. He's been writing out the Santa tags for the last 10 years now. There's no one that can replace him.

I explained to her about how Santa's person himself no longer exists, as he was very old and passed away at some point. I told her how Santa's magic and Santa's work carries on year after year, and how once we are old enough, we learn about becoming Santa for those that deserve some Santa in their lives. At first she was very broken hearted about it, and I cried that it made her cry. But, she took it in stride, and she's understanding of it now. This isn't how I pictured it playing out, but I know that kids like to be jerks and ruin it for everyone else, so I decided to take the opportunity to let her in on the secret before someone could ruin it for her.

Every day, my kids are growing more and more, no longer being small. Though right now, I'm glad that I don't have to wrap presents again for awhile, I'm sure in a few years I'll be wistful an miss the Santa days. Journey had just barely started to understand Santa and a Christmas wish list when she was 5. In that sense, I wish I would've given her more time-but it is what it is at this point, and we can only move forward.

Expenses are getting bigger and bigger these days. I have yet to start Christmas shopping for anyone right now. It's just not in the cards, what with bills going up, and classes having fees, etc. I feel like there's never enough money left for anything, especially things like laundry. Trying to squeeze us through one week to the next is proving harder and harder, and our rent was just raised by $63. I will do whatever I can to make that happen, but still, that seems like such a big amount of money. There are so many things I haven't had the chance to pay for yet, and so few things I actually have. I didn't even get a chance to get Ryan brand new shoes like I hoped we would-that money went to pay for his tuition to SMYOC. I didn't get a chance to get Journey those two books for Christmas, that money went to buying her a gym uniform. Had to pay chorus for chorus fees, and luckily chorus and band are cutting us a break, where one is only charging us for a uniform rental, and the other for the performance fee, but still, more money we have to find. We still need to find a way to get him a tuxedo shirt to wear with his uniform. I don't even know where to look for a decent one of those for a a small price. Maybe Walmart? I don't know. But that's more money we're going to have to find in order to get him something else he needs more than new shoes, which honestly, he's had these shoes for 2 years now, he really does need a new pair. I just can't seem to find a way to get them paid for. It's not like we're throwing money away left and right here-most of the time, we eat dinner at home. We don't splurge on silly things like a morning coffee (although Don would if I let him), etc. But yet here we are, trying to stay afloat against the tide, getting spun around and sloshed at every side, just trying to hold on enough to make it to the next paycheck. The sad part is, when we make it to the next one, that one is already spent. There's very little wiggle room within any of these checks for anything. Sometimes I'll get lucky and can pull out a few dollars for some hand soap and some toothpaste. Sometimes, I can afford to get a new bag of litter for Dixon. Sometimes, I can afford to get $10 in quarters to do laundry. I just can't afford all of these all the time. There's rarely ever a time when I look at my account and say "oh wow, we could do something fun!" I want to be able to look at my account and say "Here's the money Ryan needs for new shoes. Here's the money Journey needs for new gloves. Here's some money to get some household items. I have enough money to stock up on items. Here's a little extra money in case a meal doesn't go as planned, so we can go to the grocery store and try again." Just when I think we're going to catch up and start feeling that small bit of "look at this, we have some extra money left in the bank...I wonder if we can do laundry with it?", I get kicked in the stomach, and an extra $60-$90 later, I'm left wondering what the hell just happened, and realizing, not only do I NOT have extra money for things like Christmas, but I don't even have extra money for necessities like shoes. One day, I'd love to know how that feels. I'd love to be able to say "Hey Ry, you need some shoes, why don't we go get you some?". Stuff like this is utterly depressing. Makes life harder.

I really do hope that by the start of January, things will start to look up a little more. I hope by that time, things will start being paid for, and we can start moving some stuff around and have some breathing room for things like shoes and higher rent.

September 28, 2017 at 4:48pm
September 28, 2017 at 4:48pm
Holy jeebus, I'm drowning in schedules.

It's never been this bad before. I've never been inundated with so many things in such small amounts of time before. When he was in middle school, and she was in elementary school, everything seemed so manageable, and there weren't a million things going on. Moving up to high school really ramps shit up, and I'm struggling to breathe and catch up as the marathon's begun. I didn't get proper 5k training for this, and now I'm out of gas with stitches in my ribs.

High school doesn't fuck around, my friends.

Middle school now seems more ramped up than elementary school ever was. In elementary school, there was such a sweet, smooth, slow lullaby motion to it. Everything in due time, all the little ones will be okay. All the sudden it's "kids have this, this and this. There's a school dance on Friday. We have a Girl Scout meeting and a field trip on so and so, and yeah, there was a high school chorus dinner on Wednesday and also SMYOC on Monday and omg you have so much homework and omg I need to figure this out, and OMG SHIT I SIGNED UP FOR A GIRL SCOUT OUTING THIS WEEKEND I FORGOT ABOUT..."

I have a semi-new fangled iPod touch. I am quite happy I own this, because it now houses my brain. I kid you not, AT LEAST 2 things EVERY WEEK. There is no week the rest of this entire year where we don't have something scheduled. There are numerous times where we are triple booked for the day, leaving to head to the next thing, and then the next thing, and then the next thing, and then eventually into a bed to pass out and try recoup.

I've always tried to make it so the kids didn't have a million different extra curricular activities. We dabbled in both Girl Scouts and gymnastics, but Girl Scouts ultimately won over, and we just haven't had the time or the money for gymnastics. We put Ryan in soccer, but his main focus has been band, and he's joined a couple of things because of it, so now soccer is by the wayside this season while we all try to work in the schedules we now have. It's a constant, it's non-stop. I have yet to get a break yet. I don't even think the kids have properly gotten a break yet. I feel like collapsing. I can only imagine how much worse this would be if we did keep up with soccer and gymnastics. My mind can't even fathom that right now.

How are the kids taking it, you ask? Quite well actually. I'm the one burnt out already. Ryan just tells me where he needs to be for how long and what days, and I try to get him there, and then i have to contend with where she needs to be at what time and on what day, and try to get her there to that, and then I have to remember all the appointments I have as well and try to move those in on what the kids have going, and omg. It's all too much. Trying to figure out this damn calendar is stressful, and I feel like my attention is diverted from putting in any extra thought or effort to getting tasks accomplished. There is literally nothing at this point in time that's getting my best effort. I'm running ragged and struggling to keep up.

My health is currently having its ups and downs. New doctors, new regimens. New regimens, new issues. New issues, new medications. So on and so forth. My body has seemed to acquire more mass than it had before, and is proving a bigger struggle than I thought it would be. It's kind of throwing a wrench in my plans, and though I know in the long run this is going to make me healthier, it's also making things harder to do right now, as if I wasn't struggling enough.

I am not even prepared for my fantasy hockey league. Do you see what kind of fuckery this is!? I'm not even prepared for my fantasy hockey team!! And I am ALWAYS prepared for that!! I have had absolutely NO TIME to research draft picks that will fit my cap budget. I have crickets over here folks. My draft is Sunday night. You tell me what's gonna happen here, cause my guess is that I'm not drafting, and I will house two holes where two right wings should be, and two holes on where two defensemen should be. I would say this would be enough to get me to stop what I'm doing right now and start looking, but it's not! Why?!? Because I have a Girl Scout meeting I need to plan for tomorrow night, as well as a Girl Scout camping trip I need to pack for this weekend. Guess what gets put at the back of the stove? Yup.

And then Don wonders why I'm so damn stressed out when he comes home. Ugh.

I'm tense. I need a nap.

September 25, 2017 at 1:04pm
September 25, 2017 at 1:04pm
Babysitting a 3 month old was quite an adventure, let me tell you. I forgot just how needy babies are. They can't do anything for themselves, including entertaining themselves, so it's up to you to keep them occupied before the screaming starts. They have no real methods of communication, so you're left guessing what the problem could be. There are only so many options to try before it gets to the point where you find something that works, but by that time, they may have lost their shit. I'm comforted by the fact that both Don and I remember how to handle the rodeo still (albeit we're very rusty), and also, the babysitting adventure was a snapshot into a baby we don't really know much about. I'm going to safely assume that by the time my kids were 3 months themselves, we were well rehearsed into their schedules and needs, much like I'm sure his parents are. All in all, it was an interesting and fun adventure. Ryan was more interested in the baby than Journey was, and Dixon was very affronted that such a small creature could overthrow his cuteness title in the house. I wonder if Journey and Dixon ever think they'll be replaced? Heaven knows I've told them both numerous times that they're the last "baby" and "kitty boy" to come through the door. Most times this is enough to get big grins and sighs of relief. I guess babysitting is a threat to their paradise LOL.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm cut out to lead a large group of Cadette girls. 11 and 12 year olds seem kind of harsh...do I have what it takes to put my foot down and keep things sailing smoothly? I'm afraid that I'm going to get walked over, or that I'm going to lose them. Parenting my two kids is way different than "parenting" my 10 other girls. I feel like I don't have enough life experience to go through with this and help build them to where they need to be. What if I'm doing this all wrong? We were at the county fair being building guards, which this year I'm so thrilled that 4 of my girls signed up. We would've had 2 more, but I was told 2 adults and 3 girls max. It ended up being 4 girls and 1 adult, which I guess isn't bad...but, I swear people probably thought I was doing a shit job keeping the girls together and doing what they were supposed to do. I try to wrangle them in, I really do. They get wild, and they go crazy, and I don't know how to calm them down properly from losing their shit and going wild and wrecking things. How do I go from being a good adviser and mentor to being a guard and drilling discipline? Two of them were giving me hassle because they wanted to be on their phones, and I had to get them to put their phones away. One of them was fine about it...the other...omg. Fight to the death. It's always my same one too. I love her so much, she's like a daughter to me, but she pushes her limits ALL the time. I don't know how to get her to straighten out. It drives me crazy, and I'm left trying to keep her under control, and then they all see she's going crazy so they go crazy too. I dunno what to do. I'm tempted to sit down and talk to her mother, because I can't handle this anymore. I feel like I'm doing a poor job of leading this troop when stuff like that goes down. I don't have the quick quips and fixes that most people to do get this worked out. I suck at this. I need to find someone to get advice from. That would be totally helpful.

So far, school is going good for both the kids. Journey is highly enjoying middle school, which I'm thrilled about. Any time it's a positive experience for her, I'm all about it. She says math class is her most enjoyable subject right now. I'm happy to hear that. I never want to put my own hang ups on my kids, so even though I had a horrible middle school experience, I'm so happy to hear that my kids so far have not. I'm glad Ryan's past that point now, and I'm glad things are looking okay for Journey for now. I'll keep an eye on the future to make sure everything's going alright, but for now, I think we're good.

Ry is swimming along in high school okay for now. He totally bombed a few things in biology, but his grade is still a B. I need him to pay better attention and be more focused. I'm kind of glad that his computer isn't working right now, because that means he's at less of a chance to try and play Rocket League instead of doing his school work. We still have yet to hear about the fees he has to pay for his band and chorus, as the teachers and I were working things out, but they haven't responded back to me since. I hope to find out soon.

Other than that, things are swimming along. We're trying to be able to afford what we can right now, which is proving much harder than I thought it would be. So much going on right now. I hope we make it through alright.

September 15, 2017 at 7:57am
September 15, 2017 at 7:57am
Time seems to be moving in weird ways these days. The first week of school was only 4 days long, and yet it felt like it took eternity to end. This week has been 5 days, the first full week, and even though it's gone by very quickly in my opinion, it still feels as though this should be the end of September, not the middle.

There's much happening these days. School is underway, and both Ryan and Journey are doing great so far. I'm especially pleased with Journey, as she seems to be taking to middle school quite well. It's served as a positive experience so far, and I'm very thrilled to hear this so far. She's doing quite well in her classes as well, and sees her caseworker every day in two of her classes. She also has three aides in classes she's in as well, which makes me thrilled also. The school is taking her IEP very seriously, and I appreciate that immensely. It helps to know that they've got aides and her caseworker is almost always there as well to help out. The great thing is, she's not the only one with an IEP in these classes-other kids with IEPs are in her classes with her as well. Hence the reason her caseworker is there with all of them, and they have aides in the classrooms. It gives me peace of mind to know that this is happening for her. They will help her succeed the best she can, and I appreciate that.

So far, Ryan's doing a bang up job on high school. He's in all honors and AP classes, so I was concerned about how well he would handle his workload. So far, he's doing well, and I'm pleased to see that. I worry about him and how heavy the workload is, but he seems to be doing okay, and that's what matters most. I told him if he's doing well by spring, we can put him back in soccer for the season.

Currently, he is without his clarinet. We had to take it to the shop to get fixed, but hopefully it's a small fix and a small cost as well. We're hoping to get back as soon as possible, but for now, his band class and the youth orchestra will have to wait. I just hope he doesn't get docked for not having his instrument.

We are going to be babysitting a 3 month old here this weekend. I'm very eager to see if I still have baby watching capabilities now that my kids are older. I also like the idea of the kids being introduced to a baby, and I'm very curious to see how Dixon is going to take to him. He sounds like a pretty relaxed little fellow, so we'll see what this weekend holds.

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