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A modest journal. |
| My life's ups and downs... |
| Within the last year I've done sewing alterations for people, trying to make some extra money on the side. It's caused a lot of stress. It's one thing doing your own stuff and quite another working on other people's things---when they really don't know the value of the work involved. Recently I felt like giving up altogether because of a lack of confidence, undue stress and not much reward for the finished product. However, within the last few days the desire has been rekindled---by God, I think. With His help, my plan is to buy a bunch of remnants and start practicing with different needles and tensions on a variety of fabrics in order to rebuild confidence. I sewed a lot as a kid----used to make myself a new dress almost every evening while in high school with interfacing, yolks and zippers up the back. I used my mom's Singer. Recently, I asked her if I can have that old machine---either now (if she's not using it) or when she passes. She assented. [She and dad are divvying stuff up among me and my sisters---making lists of "who wants what" and "who gets what" once they pass. In the legal world, it's called a "separate writing" and is used in conjunction with (in addition to) a will. It's official but---unlike a will---formal execution before witnesses and a notary is not required. You simply make a list and sign it.] I bought a Sears Kenmore machine in my early twenties (with a nice sewing table it dropped down into, an attractive piece of furniture when not in use). I did some sewing then, but not as much as when I was a kid. I eventually gave it up just prior to moving to Florida---we were limited to what could fit into the car. A few years ago, in 2007, 2008 or so, I bought another new machine (a Viking Husqvarna, a good personal machine---from what I am told). I jumped right back into sewing and even took a refresher course at the local fabric shop---made a purse with a lining and strap, and also make a nice pair of pajamas, which I gave to my daughter at Christmas. Since then I have moved a few times and had to set it (the machine) aside for awhile. I thought I could pick right back up, but it's been difficult sewing with a variety a fabrics, tensions, needles and getting it exactly right. Not only that, but doing alterations is more difficult than making something new. If the needle is not sharp enough, it knots up the thread and pushes fabric down under the sewing plate, trapping it there, and making it extremely difficult to extricate without damaging the fabric. This happens repetitively when going into reverse in order to lock stitches at the beginning and end of a sewing line. Not fun, particularly when working on a project for a customer. With renewed vigor, I'm finally excited about sewing again. |
| I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself tonight. It's about 12:06 am and I'm in Altamonte Springs, Florida at an Al-Anon Convention. My roommate is sound asleep; I am wide awake. The day was not without obstacles and pitfalls. I'd like to get alone with God, but the pool area is locked at 11:00 pm---likely for safety reasons. It would have been nice to have been able to sit outside for awhile. This is definitely not a resort hotel. My kitty-cats are home alone, and I wish I was there. Tomorrow afternoon, I will drive home. This is a required event I attend twice a year, and there is another similar program event I attend twice per year---for my elected service position. I also attend monthly District meetings in Pinellas County. Two more years and things will start getting back to normal----at least I won't be compelled to attend these weekend events. I thought about quitting, but heard God distinctly say, "Finish what you started." I was a bit cranky as the afternoon progressed today---though I maintained composure except for a few unnecessary comments. One of the ladies here has been a nemesis this weekend----not completely her fault, but she is definitely a component since I tend to over-think things. I'm going to say good-night... Just wish I could sleep or at least go outside and spend time with God. |
| First, this morning I came into the office. When I went to make coffee and opened the refrigerator to get the filtered water, a strong offensive odor came out like an overwhelming cloud. I looked around and found someone left food in there over the weekend. Now, when you open the door---to get half-n-half for coffee or water---a horrible smell comes whooshing out into the office and up your nose. Second, I went to write some checks and someone removed from the cabinet (and did not replace) the Operating Account checkbook. Third, we still do not have an address for upcoming depositions, which are now only 8 days out. Because we do not have an address and subpoenas have not been served, likely the depositions will not go forward. Ugh!!! |
| This morning I was agitated. A couple of things got under my skin; and I over-reacted. It happened as soon as I arrived at the office at about 8:45 a.m. I did a google search on "causes of agitation," and was surprised to find the following: * Medical conditions that can cause agitation include: anxiety or mood disorders, such as depression or bipolar disorder. conditions that cause hormonal imbalances, such as hypothyroidism. [See https://www.healthline.com/symptom/agitation.] Symptoms of agitated depression include: * extreme irritability, like snapping at friends and family, or being annoyed at small things * anger * agitation * fidgeting * racing thoughts and incessant talking * restlessness * pacing * hand-wringing * nail-biting * outbursts of complaining or shouting * pulling at clothes or hair * picking at skin Maybe the first three symptoms, but "extreme" sounds a little strong. The other listed items don't apply at all. In the past, I have had issues with anxiety and depression but not for awhile now. Except, last weekend I slipped and fell while trying to take a shower in a tub at a "nice" hotel---with an "old" slippery bathtub; it has effected me. Also, now that I think about it. Someone in the office put one of those Glade (scented oil) plug-ins in an outlet. It puts off a weird and offensive smell that has been permeating the entire office. It hits me every time I walk in the door. Yesterday I asked if I could remove it and was told I could, which I did immediately. However, the office still smells. I've had a slight headache too... from that smell. [I don't normally get headaches.] Issue resolved... I think (hope). |
| June 1, 2018: I came home today after work with groceries. As I got to the top of the stairs, I saw that once again my neighbor left garbage in the entry way---actually not even in front of his own apartment, but in front of my window, my apartment. I was livid. I tossed it in front of his own door and knocked----nobody answered. This is the second time the neighbors at 3513 have left trash in the entry way, and they are both healthy, young and able-bodied. There’s no excuse for it. The first time (about a week ago) I reported it to Taylor (part of the management here at Imperial Palms), and she said she would take care of it. Clearly, she did nothing (not surprising because that’s the way things seem to be handled here at Imperial Palms much of the time). So, today, the neighbors at 3513 left trash out again. I called the office and reported it. I then tried to send another e-mail to Taylor, but the community website was down. So, I went online to Facebook and sent a personal message. The man next door came out the door as I was carrying in my groceries and I told him directly this is unacceptable and asked him to not do it again. He then said that he was planning to eventually take it down. I told him that he should know better. What really upsets me is that I allowed this to upset me. ------- In hindsight, what I said, thought and did was not wrong in itself, but the spirit behind what I said, thought and did was wrong. I was operating out of a spirit of anger, indignation and self-righteousness (against the apartment management and against my neighbor). When instead, what was needed (expedient, necessary), was a spirit of God's love. Today, I saw my neighbor and he spoke kindly... I'm thankful he did not take offense. |
In the mid- to late 80s, I deliberately walked away from ministry; and I have beat myself up over it. Just a few years ago, I wanted to write a poem about love. I almost talked myself out of it by telling myself I knew nothing about love. But God showed me I did and gave me the inspiration to write a beautiful poem called “Love is…” It’s the best piece I have ever written. Another time, God gave me a prophetic Word. As I waited for the appropriate time to speak, the Pastor’s wife said---“After this service, not another word needs to be spoken.” In my heart I knew God had another Word; so, despite her proclamation which caused me dread, I obeyed God and walked to the front of the church. I whispered that I had a Word, and she stepped aside, allowing me to share it. Before speaking, as I looked out over the congregation, in my heart I asked God show me this was Him by letting the people receive it and allowing me to watch. I read the Word; and it hit them in a wave. Through the years, because I thought God gave up on me, I suffered recurring depression. Today, I know this was a lie from the pit of hell that only bound me because I entertained and meditated on it. This lie kept me in a stagnant place because I believed it. Today, God helped me see how he has used me despite my failures; and now I know the truth: He has forgiven me, and my memories are evidence. His Word says, If we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive our sin and to cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 (emphasis added) |
| Today, I am somewhat bothered by dishonesty. I suppose my expectations are probably just a little higher than they should be... My part is to simply "let it go." I am not an "honesty monitor." What other people do or don't do is between them and God---not between me, them and God. |
| Before waking up this morning I had an odd dream about my youngest cat, Gabriel. In real life, his playful antics sometimes get him into trouble; and the only thing he listens to earnestly is the "spray bottle." In my dream, we were at this murky swamp-like area with reeds, etc., and apparently he was after something because he was in the murk. As I was saying "No, Gabriel," he continued... As he went under, an alligator caught my periphery, entering the water toward Gabriel. My next thought: "That's the end of Gabriel." |
| Losing faith in humanity this morning... There was a duck sitting in the middle of a three westbound lanes on a divided highway---hit by a car that just kept driving---feathers flying like snow, still fresh in the air. Since you cannot read my mind, I am editing this piece to add: I turned on flashers, stopped the car, picked up the frightened and injured duck and carried him to the grass on the side of the road. I called the Seabird Sanctuary; the lady who answered said no one was available. I said, If you care anything about animals at all, you will find someone to help. She hung up on me. I called the City of Largo and spoke with a lady who wanted to put me off---You need Animal Control. I'm in my car, can you please help. So in-attentive, she asked twice for the location. When I got to work, I called Animal Control/SPCA/Wildlife Rescue. Neither the Seabird Sanctuary nor the City of Largo contacted them. Shorthanded, they assured me they would get to the duck as soon as possible. ---------------------- I remember two unsuspecting baby pigs in a pen and dead comments: Their names are "pork" and "chops." They won't need shelter long; they're only here for the party... Sometimes I hate the world; but ...God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. -John 3:16 (KJV) [emphasis added] And Jesus saith, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. -Luke 23:34 (KJV)  |
| I am not and do not pretend to be a biblical scholar; however, I do read and listen to the bible daily and have done so since I was born again in 1984 on the premise that Faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the Word. (Romans 10:17) On occasion, I also “study” specific scriptures---though in recent years I have been lackadaisical in this endeavor. The church at large and the people of God are on my heart and in my prayers. Most of the churches in Pinellas County, Florida, though said to believe in the baptism of the Holy Spirit and in the operation of the gifts, do not allow or encourage their operation in the church. Having a form of godliness, they deny the power thereof. (2nd Timothy 3:5.) For this reason, in February of 2016, I started a Facebook page called “Quench Not the Spirit in the Tampa Bay,” recently changed to “Unquenchable Fire of God Ministries wrought by God through faith and fervent prayer.” I have been praying to see the full operation of the gifts within the church. Additionally, I have been praying against gender bias. At the last service I attended at Calvary Chapel St. Petersburg, Dave Dodge, spoke prophetically (likely unbeknownst to him) when he said, "Women are being elevated in the church." Much to the chagrin of women called into ministry, most churches throughout the USA and the world, oppress women---hanging their hats on 1st Timothy 2:12 while completely neglecting the scriptures about Deborah who sat as a judge in Israel; Esther who called a fast for the whole nation to avert annihilation; Mary the mother of Jesus who was visited by an angel and divinely conceived our Lord and Savior; Hannah the mother of Samuel; the nameless wife of Manoah, mother of Sampson who received a visitation by the Angel of the Lord and spoke to Manoah about it; when the Angel of the Lord again appeared to answer Manoah’s questions, He again first appeared to Manoah’s nameless wife----she had to go and get her husband; Elizabeth the mother of John the Baptist had a visitation---she believed immediately, though her husband (Zechariah) did not believe and was, therefore, dumb-struck until after the birth of the promised child; Anna was a prophetess, spending her time day and night at the temple in prayer and intercession with Simeon---both were instrumental in ushering in the Messiah; Lydia of Thyatira; and Tabitha, called Dorcas was actually raised from the dead because of her contributions to the Christian community within which she lived. (See Acts 9:36-42.) Then we look at great women of God used throughout the ages---Kathryn Kuhlman and Aimee Semple McPherson (nothing “simple” about them) to name just two. After the American Civil War was fought and won over racism, President Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation on January 1, 1863; but the oppression of women continued; they were considered mere property by most men. Black men were granted the right to vote in 1870; however, American women were denied this right until August 18, 1920. Women are being elevated to positions of authority in the secular sector of society throughout the USA; however, oppression continues within the church. Baby girls are thrown in trash heaps in China as the government limits the number of children parents are allowed and the parents, themselves, prefer boys. Within the church, those wishing to hold back God Almighty and women, seem to pick and choose scriptures out of context to justify their behavior. A church I was attending went through a major church split. Though they hold corporate prayer meetings on Wednesday’s from 6:00 to 6:45 p.m. (just prior to the 7:00 p.m. service), only a handful of women and one or two men attend. None of the pastoral staff, regular staff, musicians or volunteer “servants” (all of whom are men) attend these important prayer meetings. I messaged those in charge, to no avail. So, I am looking for another place to worship. |
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