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Here I am! |
| This port contains my musings on writing and life in general. And yes, it is one hundred percent real. I pull no punches, and I co-sign no one. Enjoy. |
| I feel as if I had fought a great battle, but I bear no visible scars, or, at least, my skin is untouched. For the first time in my life, I wanted to take the coward's way out and, run, never to return, to forget about everything and everyone, except what I fight for. It took some courage I didn't know I had to go on. I've fought many things in my life, ignorance and fear, and many people, but I never would have thought my own blood would be against me. I seldom cry. I seldom show emotion one way or another. But I tell you: If ever I had a sad and miserable day, it was yesterday. I could be angry, but I have no time to waste on such petty emotions. It's enough to know that I know where I stand with "them." I'm alive and well, still breathing as always. Yesterday, "distant reletive" took on a whole new meaning for me. |
| I took to the water the second day of the week, wanting to swim, to relax. I had no idea it was Fire Time. I felt surrounded there, in the water. One splash from the other side of the ropes, and I began to sink. I moved to a shallow part of the water, but the sun was so bright, glinting off the water like a million flashlights in my eyes, blinding me. I was falling asleep, so weak was I. I got out, and sat down on my towel, not far from the water's edge. I felt panicked as if I was in battle and surrounded on all sides. But there was no one to threaten me. I couldn't understand why I would feel that way. I felt like the skin on the top of my skull was slowly being pulled up, as if someone was tugging my hair at the temples. My head ached terribly, as if I had just been struck in the head, and I was still adjusting to the shock. I had to go home. I knew that. I couldn't afford to have anyone help. They'd just make it worse. So I went home. If I'm right, I shouldn't be seeing water for another 2 months. That way, I'll be safe. |
| I a tired, but I avoid sleep. regardless of my responisiblities. I miss the Old Old Times, when night and day meant nothing, and hunting was a freedom, a joy. I smiled then, when I had cause to smile. I wore no mask. I was open, and my intentions were clear. I practiced no deception, and I loved. Once. But now this scar-tattered body has reason to be hidden, and to become guarded when once I might have welcomed openness. My only solace is that the path ahead is well-worn. That others have seen what I must see, come back again. Hope is the last illusion I allow myself to cling to. |
| I hate weakness. I compare weakness to rot. It's defenseless, helpless, and uncurable. And the stench is awful. Weakness is in my room right now as I speak, and I have no say. G herself is laughing at me now, I know. Some might say I am being punished. But this minor expulsion from my cave has only forced me to think for longer periods. And I am my most dangerous when I formulate a plan. |
| When I feel weak, I do foolish things. I say I am tired of fighting, that I want peace, or at least sleep for a time. I say I love. I feel pity. I cry when I feel pain. Feeling anything other than strength and anger is not something that sits well with me. It is so easy to slip back and go back there... ENOUGH! I am not myself. Sleep will clear me. |
| I can feel myself being slowly pushed to anger. To burning again. It's been a long time since I felt the heat in the back of my head snap, and I can hear it start to crackle. I'm disgusted as I feel the bile rise from the bottom of my stomach. It always happens this way. People who don't want to see me put on the mask of happiness try to make me burn at them. I have control over myself. I wouldn't still be alive if I didn't know how to hide emotion, how to wear impassiveness like a coat of armor. But I have my limits, even as old as I am. A wall can only be pulled on so long before it crashes down and crushes the pull-ee. I'm playing my part well so far. But I will improv. if I feel it neccesary. Chaos is an old friend I haven't called on in a long time, but I will ask him for a favor if I have to. |
| What I want, more than anything is nothing. I want to be nothing, and then I won't have to wake up. I won't have to say the same thing everyday, do the same thing. I won't have to think. Eating and sleeping won't matter, and neither will be time. But who ever gets what they really want? Some say the way to true happiness is to erase all desire from yourself. But that in and off itself is impossible, because then you would still be desiring happiness. I don't like to get into philosophy. It's just educated opinion and perception, a lengthy waste of time. The only time I have has already been spent. |
| I rarely cry. Not even for myself do I shed tears. Not for all of them who have suffered for me, and bled with me when pain was a new thing. It is a mystery to me why I cried for one of my enemies last night, defended them even though I hate them. Something must be done about this. I have no illusions about my adversary. I know what he has done. I know he is not one to be pitied, even though he gives the illusion of a victim. My head, I fear has flipped. |
| Today I made myself eat. Everything I ate tasted like nothingness. I wanted to gag. That hasn't happened before. I can usually eat no matter waht, whether I'm sick or not. It's probably a foreshadowing of something to happen, but I'm not worried. Even I was to be affected by some terrible event involving food, I wouldn't care. It would be something interesting that happened to me. Maybe even worth remembering. |
| I woke out of my sleep screaming, something I ain't done in a long time. What the hell is he doing back? I thought I got rid of him a long time ago. Bastard. Showing up in my dreams again like some fucking ghost. I don't like old friends suprising me. I don't like anyone suprising me in the daytime, let alone in the middle of the night. And he's not even a friend. I'm not going back to him. Some things are just better off dead. I'm gonna stay up a little bit longer, though. My dreams tend to pick up where I leave off. |
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Oops. That wasn't on the TO DO list. Now I guess I need to look at how much Hulu Plus is because I see the second season is on there. This show reminds me of a book I read recently. Well, last year anyway. 
Mia - Your new neighbor in Blog City