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Writings about death, relationships, feelings, and time |
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Expressing my feelings about death, the death of family members and friends, life and life's impacts. I hope to write poems about coping with death, life, family and friends, and getting the best out of life. Every emotion and every thought comes from living. I hope to live through my writings. Hoping to reach out and meet others where they are in hopes that any one of the poems will bring solace on some level. |
| As much pleasure and joy as a Mother can bring is equal only to the pain and suffering experienced with her death. The death of my Mother tossed me into a place that was dark, and cold, and painful. So much pain that I became numb. I lost my sense of direction. I lost my sense of feeling and caring. I walked this earth as me, but lived in a land of no real feelings or real interest. Prior to Mother's death, I was on the road to anyplace all of the time. The children and Mother were the center of my life. No one could touch me. I was flying high. I was on a career path. Money was not an object. I was climbing the ladder of success, and at a rapid pace. Life was good. Then Mother died. Oh how quickly I tumbled down the road of despair. How out of control I became as there was nothing on this earth that could make me feel happy. Nothing or no one could give me back my joy. I was not out of control because I controlled everything around me. I said I was happy and acted the way I thought demonstrated that I was happy. I laughed when I was supposed to, and cried on cue. I was stuck in time, and I could not find my way backward or forward. One day in a professional's office, I heard the words "It is not what you are eating, but what is eating you." Uncontrollable laughter erupted from my lips. I wanted to stop, but could not. I wanted to be angry, but was not. I had a glimpse of the truth. Since Mother's death, I have gained a lot of weight. Nothing I did helped me to lose it. I was bound and destined to die of obesity and all of its associated illnesses. I was deathly afraid of reaching 300 pounds, and yet I was eating my way toward that dreaded 300 pounds and death. I went to see a nutritionist. This was my last opportunity to stop the weight gain. After talking for an hour or so, answering this question and that question and back and forth, she uttered those dreadfully funny words "It is not what you are eating, but what is eating you." How dare her say those words. Nothing is eating me. I am in control. Weeks later, those words were still haunting me. I went on vacation, and those words came with me. In the peace and quiet of the mountains, and the beauty of the countryside, I finally allowed those words to take root and grow. I looked deep inside of me, and allowed the pain of my Mother's death return, and return it did. I felt the very moment when I knew she had left me. I felt the pain of seeing her lying on that bed with no more life inside of her. I ached all over with the grief I felt knowing that she would never breathe again, and I rolled all over the floor remembering them lowering her coffin into the cold cold ground. Oh God, I felt the pain. I felt the hurt. I felt the lie that she had told me about never leaving me, and yet there she was, leaving me forever! How could she? How could I go on living without her? Did I even want to go on living? I remembered as a child how I had promised myself that should my Mother ever die, I would jump into the coffin with her and just die because there would be no more reason to live. I wish I could do that now. I wish I could just drop dead, and not feel this awful pain in my chest, my head, my entire body, but I just could not drop dead. And, they still lowered my Mother into the ground. I could not leave her out there. I did not want to leave her out there. She hated being alone, and now, now she is alone in the ground, and I am supposed to go on living. How can I? My body is too heavy for me to carry. I can’t stop crying. People think I have lost it. I must pull myself back together. I must regain my control, my strong posture and exterior. My children must not see me completely lose it. Oh God, what am I to do? With that, I bury the pain. I become numb, and I remain that way through the rest of the day. It became my façade, my way of life. I got through that time in my life, and I lived that way for another eighteen years until I heard those words “It is not what you are eating, but what is eating you!” The outburst of laughter broke the facade, and released the pain.  |
| Thank you Lord for waking me up on this day, the day my Mother, Florence H. B. Williams was born. Had you seen fit to allow her to be living today, she would be ninety-seven (97) years young! But Lord, you had better plans for her, and a different life for me. You called her home, and made me a more God fearing person. Instead of turning into my Mother for prayer, and depending on her to be in touch with you, you forced me to fine you for myself in a more close and personal way. For years after her death, this day made me sad, and I often blinked it out and would mentally not remember it for days until after it was over. Today, I woke up with it on my mind, and I thank you. Today, I remember her love, her smile, her touch, her smell, and oh yes, her relationship with you, my guide to your grace and mercy. As I start off my day today, I wanted to say to you, and share with others, my testimony of your love for my deceased Mother, my deceased brother, my deceased grandchildren, but more importantly, your love for me and all of my living children, grandchildren, great-grands, and every extended member of this great family that you have given me. I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death, and today, I fear no evil. For I know that thou art with me always, and them always. As I enter this day, I enter it with thanksgiving and praise, and throughout this day, oh, Lord, I will make a joyful noise unto you. I will sing songs of praise as I tell others who will listen about your goodness and mercy. Since this day was the beginning of my life, the birth day of Ms. Florence H. B. Williams, I hereby renew my covenant with you. I believe in one God, one baptism, one Holy Ghost, and one Savior. I ask you to guide me, lead me, be in me and with me throughout the rest of my life, and may I serve you faithfully always. Happy Birthday to you Mother. I miss you, but not like before. Today, you bring me joy. The joy of having been raised by you; of having learned your ways; of accepting your God as my God. I am thankful you taught me to be the person I have become with an open heart and mind with a desire to keep learning and becoming the best person that I can be. May I have the strength and will to pass this legacy of yours on down to my children, their children, and their children's children! All honor and praise to God who gave me to you to nurture and raise sixty-seven plus years ago! |
| WOW! What a yesterday! I had a great big, busy day. Meetings. Meetings. Meetings. This morning I awoke to a wonderful and glorious day. A surprise. A friend had dropped by and brought me a little piece of change and a hot breakfast. Smiles all over my face. We sat and talked, and just remembered how much we love each other. She is my sister from another mother, and I love her dearly. As we talked, she said, after all I've been through, I am STILL here. That got me to thinking. I am still here. Through trials, tribulations, hurt, pain, suffering, and a host of other things, "I am still here." What a testimony. Sometimes, we take our lives for granted. We just get up and go. Years go by with no thought and no effort. We pay the rent. We go to work. We eat. We sleep. We exist, but do we ever look back and marvel as to why we are still here? Food for thought. Why are you still here? Did you make it through an impossible time in your life? Are you on the brink of disaster and wondering how you will make it? What is keeping you here? My testimony today is that I am still here because of the grace and mercy of God! Let me just tell you my story for a minute. I don't know how to keep me. I don't know how to heal me. I don't know where my next meal is coming from or if I will be able to eat and enjoy it. What I do know is that no matter what, God will sustain me. He will provide for me, and He will direct my going out and my coming in. May He do the same for you, and that your song tomorrow will be THANK GOD, I AM STILL HERE! Proverbs 3:6 In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your paths. |
| Just when you think that all of the good people are gone, and that the world is full of haters, takers, and greed, you find that you just might be wrong. Memorial Day weekend, my friend and I took a trip to New York for business and pleasure. We went to look after her property that was left to her by her mother, to show it to my granddaughter, and to take in some sights. I was clear that one part of my mission was to see the newly opened Ground Zero Museum. Well, the trip took on a very different tone the moment my friend was sure that we were so far into it that I could not change my mind and request to return home. So as we approached the tunnel in Baltimore, she casually says, oh, by the way, we will be staying with my cousin Christian. You know Christian. You met him at the funeral. Pausing for a minute, I say oh, yes, I know Christian, but you should know, I don't like surprises. How do you know that I want to stay with your cousin Christian? She said very quickly, I have already spoken to him, and he knows that we are coming. I give in, and say okay, I am alright with that, but in the future, you should know, I don't only dislike surprises, but I am not sure you will like my reaction to your surprises. She said, I got it, and it won't happen again. We moved on. We arrived in New York early in the afternoon, and went straight to her mother's house. It is a large house on Undercliff Avenue/Street. It is tiny from the outside, but very large inside. They call it a multi-family house, and it is divided up into three different units with a basement. God only knows who the basement belongs to. On the ground floor there is a utility room, garage entrance, bathroom (I think) and two other rooms with an exit to the back yard. There is also an entrance to the ground floor on the front that is separate from the garage. On the first floor, there is a full one bedroom efficiency (they call it a one bedroom apartment) with kitchen (very small), bedroom, bathroom, large living room, and a walled in tiny porch that would make an excellent storage closet, but was being offered as a small guest room. Wonderful wooden floors that had been recently treated, but showed the many years of living that had gone on before. Above the first floor stood the second floor apartment that had the same layout as the first floor with the only difference being that it was occupied. The occupant was very nice and cordial, and appeared to be the live in handyman. For the two upper levels, there is a common entrance and foyer that provides entrance to both the first and second floors. Again, the hardwood floors were meticulously done, but retain, their history through all of the polish. I was quite comfortable there, but quickly noticed that unlike the earlier discussion we had, there was no furniture except for two old sofas. I move on. After a couple of hours, we leave the Bronx and drive up to Yonkers, New York where the cousin Christian lives. They are home, and we reunite. We spend some time getting to know each other and then they go to the store for food. We pass on the food because earlier in the day we had eaten at the African Kine Restaurant where the ambiance was just as good as the food. So with a promise for a hot breakfast, we washed a few series of Silicon Valley, and went off to bed. We lazed around the next day until 4:00pm and then went back to the Bronx. Picked up my granddaughter and her friend and went back to my friend's mother's home. While they were making up their minds about the apartment, my grand-daughter's friend's grandmother came over to give her opinion about the apartment. It was our first meeting, but it was a very pleasant one. Several hours later, my daughter and her friend signed the lease for the apartment. We agreed to go out and celebrate. Sammy's at City Island was the recommended and accepted choice. What a treat. The food was great, the ambiance was equally as nice, but the Island took the cake. It was all of that, a cup of tea, and ice cream on the side. I knew instantly that I could live out the rest of my days right there on City Island. The meal was finally over and we left City Island for Yonkers and the Bronx. Finally, on Tuesday morning, it came time to leave New York and return home. We packed, loaded the car, and said our goodbyes. The return trip had begun. We anticipated that we would be home in time for my engagement at 6:00pm. The traffic was good, and we had lunch earlier with at Applebees, so we were ready for the ride. Just before reaching exit 8! On the turnpike, I hear this slight tapping or vibrating sound in the car. Thinking that it was something out of place, I slowly move things around to find the culprit. Nothing. I raise the question to my friend. Do you hear that sound? Nothing. I say okay and settle back in, but now, it is getting louder. Her steering wheel is also vibrating. The car sounds like it is having a flat tire. She notices. Oh crap. We are doing 65mph on the New Jersey turnpike. We need to pull over and stop the car. We pull over. No flat tire. I see something leaking. It is only water from the air conditioner. Nothing. Okay, let's continue driving, but drive slowly so that we can stop if we have to, but let's find an exit and get off to have the car checked out. We drive slowly, but the vibrating gets harder, and the sound louder. Exit 8A it is. Lord help us to get to that exit before the car puts us down. We make it to the Hyundai parking lot off of the turnpike. Call triple A. That is another story all by itself. We sit, and we wait. Finally, we decide to check out the Hyundai building, and as God would have it, the garage door is open, and there is a man coming toward us. Now, that's what I'm talking about. He introduces himself, and asks if he can help us. We tell him our problem. He used to be a mechanic, but now he is a trainer of mechanics. What great fortune. Jim takes a look at the car. Asks a lot of questions. Shakes the steering wheel, and makes a few suggestions. Unfortunately, he cannot fix it because it is not a garage or dealership, but a training facility for Hyundai cars. No problem. Thank you for talking with us. He is not finished. Before leaving he says, ladies, would you like to use the bathroom? One yes, and one no. We both go. I get water too. He also says that everything around was closing because of the industrious nature of the place -- lots of warehouses. In addition, he recommends a couple of hotels (both very expensive) but very nice and very close since it appeared that we would be spending the night. Amazing. He was kind, helpful, and concerned about our well-being. He was not a hater. He did not expect anything in return. He was only concerned about our well-being. He was a White male, and we were two Black females strained in the middle of nowhere, and no one knew where we were or where to start looking for us should anything happened to us. He gave me his card, and wished us God's speed and safety. He would be back there in the morning. Call if you need further help. Off to the hotel we go. It is a Marriott. The reception and greeting were awesome. They had a room available, and totally understood our dilemma and happy to be of service. Even the reduced rate that we were given was OUTRAGEOUS! We took it, and was glad that we were there. As my usual, I struck up a conversation with the front desk help, and she said, what kind of car do you have? I told her. She said, I know someone that can fix your car now, and they are open. You must be kidding is what I thought, but sure enough, she asks for my phone and dials a number for someone named Pete. Pete says, of course, I am open, coming on down. Oh, you can't drive the car, I can have it towed, but I don't take triple A. You sure you can't drive it to me? I'm only about 2.5 miles away from where you are now. Amazing. The front desk receptionist was warm, friendly, kind, and knowledgeable. She went above and beyond the job to help us. She was Black. She risked her new job, just started working at Marriott, to offer her services to us. As she moved us toward help, the manager was just watching her with his mouth open. He, too, could not believe that she was going out of her way to be of service to us. He was okay, however, because we booked the room, and had our key in hand. So for him, she had gotten the money, and there was one less room open. We left for the mechanic. We drive to Pete's. We got turned around a couple of times, and the 2.5 miles became 10 miles, but who cares. We get Nick on the phone and he talks us to his shop. There we are greeted by Pete, and he tells us to wait. Leaves and later come back with a mechanic who takes the car for a spin. He returns and says, Ladies, I can have you on the road again in about twenty (20) minutes, but you need to buy two new tires. Your tire has a bubble, and we can't put on one, we have to put on two. How much? $100 apiece. That's cheaper than staying at the hotel, and missing an entire day at home. Do it. In less than 30 minutes, the job is done, and we are back on the road to Maryland. Amazing. It is about 6:00pm, the mechanic shop is still open. There are mechanics on duty, and working. An unknown woman, called to say that she was sending two women down to get their car fixed, and to take good care of them. Nick nor Pete could figure out who the woman was at the Marriott that spoke to them. They took a car down off the rack to put our car on the rack. Yes, they all stopped working on the other cars to fix our car. In the end, Nick, Pete, and Barry played a role in getting us back on the road. They were friendly, kind, happy, and glad to be of service. Even one of the customers offered to help get us back to the turnpike before we left. Amazing is the word I used to describe the wonderful people that stepped into my life on this Memorial Day weekend. They reminded me that good people do still exist. They come in all colors, ethnic groups, shapes, and sizes. They are people just like you and me. They are not out there killing and mowing people down with blocks, machine guns, machetes or the like. They are not out there looking to rip you off or even to receive anything in exchange. They are people with good old fashion values waiting for an opportunity to do the right thing. Yes, good people do still exist, and I am glad that I met a few of them over this Memorial Day Weekend! |
| Today was a great day! I spent most of the day in Yonkers, NY with my friend and her cousin, his wife and son. Then we were off to the Bronx, the only part of the five boroughs directly attached to the US. All of the others require you to cross over on a bridge. You can also drive to Canada from the Bronx. The street on which we visited, was the longest block I have ever seen called Undercliff. It goes on and on like a country mile. It is in a great neighborhood, and is the home of a former New York Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia. Starting June 1, my Mother's birth date, my oldest granddaughter will move onto that street into her first apartment with her name on the lease, and no co-signer. I am so proud of her. From there we went to City Island, where we ate at Sammy's! The food was awesome, and plentiful. The atmosphere was just right, and the night air was ready for romance, but there just were not enough single men! With our stomachs full of lobsters, crabs (Alaskan and Snow), scallops, shrimps, mussels, clams, calamari, ribs, chicken, and lots of pasta and rice with cornbread and a hot crust bun with cheese, a large relish dish, and three slices of chocolate mousse cake, we crawled into our cars and came back across the bridge with bags as full as our bellies! A most satisfying meal, even if I think it could have had a little more seasoning. After chatting for a few, and giving our thanks for the hospitality, and inviting a rerun visit, we all went off toward our beds. I thought I would share my evening with you, not to gloat, but to say what a wonderful Memorial Day I had in NEW YORK! Goodnight. |
| Memorial Day Weekend This is a holiday that I always celebrate in some way or the other. It and Veterans' Day inspires me. This Memorial Day, I am in Yonkers, New York, a place I have never been before with a couple that I've only met once before. They have a very beautiful home, and I am thankful to be sharing it with them and my friend Adrienne for a few days. Adrienne and I toured the Bronx and Harlem yesterday. It was an awesome tour riding around with a native New Yorker, as she pointed out all of her childhood memories. Seeing New York through her eyes was both wonderful and rewarding. Although I had been to New York several times before, I developed a different appreciation for it, and actually thought I could live here. New York became something other than hot cement, tall buildings, and a place to visit. It was her home, and she recalled places with such joy and admiration.. We ate at a Senegalese Restaurant that had a wonderful ambiance, and equally divine Food called African Kine. The portions were huge. The writing on the menu was so small, I could not read it, so I asked the waitress to tell me their best dishes. She was at dish number two when I thought, I could go for the first one, but then she finished the second one, and it stole my taste buds. Fried fish smothered in onions, carrots, peas and corn with a side of rice. Great choice even though it was a little too oily for my taste. I had a memory from my college years in New York where I stayed with my class for a tour of some of the museums in New York, The "Y" at Lexington and something. Adrienne and I decided to find it. We did. It was torn down and only the address remained 610 Lexington Street. A little taken back, we circle the block and sure enough, it was gone. Only a memory. With that we rode past Central park again, and decided to finish our journey. So, on to Yonkers, NY. I did not realize how tired I was until I sat down on their lounge chair, watched a movie, talked a few minutes, and then passed out. Woke up at about 4:50am and here I am. Today, we plan to go back to the Bronx, and later to the airport to pick up my grand-daughter who is flying back from Atlanta. Who knows what we will get into today. I hope we get to visit the Ground Zero Museum, and then I will be ready to return home. So far, great visit. |
| Many of us take life for granted or live vicariously through the lives of others. Trust me, both are serious mistakes. God has given you YOUR life, and YOU have the opportunity each day that He gives you breath to make YOUR life the best it can possibly be. You may not be rich or have the things you want or even need some days, but trust me, God knows what He is doing to make you into the person that He wants YOU to be. Don't believe the hype about how Jay Z is or how Beyonce has a crowd of people worshiping her. Inside each of them, they too have to give account for their actions. As a young child, I was taught that there is nothing more precious than the body, mind, and soul that God gave me. My Mother often said that there were millions and millions of people on this earth, but there was only one of me, and that God had taken special time to make me so unique. There is ONLY one of you! You are unique. You were specially made by God for His purpose, and no matter what you do, you will serve His purpose. So, why not be the best little YOU that YOU can be? It is all up to Y-O-U! |
| Today REALLY is your day! You do not have yesterday. It is gone. You cannot bank on tomorrow, for tomorrow is not promised. God woke you this morning, He gave you a present. A new opportunity to stretch out on faith. To not only dream the impossible dream, but to live it today. So start your day in prayer. Give thanks for the possibilities that are in front of you. Let go of what did not happen yesterday. Open your mind to the challenges of today, knowing that with the faith of a mustard seed, you will be able to move mountains. You will overcome hardship. You will suppress doubt. You will conquer fear. You will walk in stride with your maker and change your part of the world. You will be an example to someone who is doubting, and falling short of their opportunities. You will let YOUR LIGHT SHINE TODAY as you walk out on FAITH! Peace and blessings as you go forth and shine brighter than yesterday's sunlight in a world that needs hope! |
| I believe that political endorsements are good for CANDIDATES' bottom line as they campaign for our votes; however, and endorsement does NOT MEAN that the candidate is the best person for our community. Endorsements do not go to the polls, and they do not VOTE for you. Gather the facts. Check out the candidates. Read the endorsements, just because they have correctly selected the winner in the past does not mean that they selected the best candidate for your community. Instead, ask "Where is the candidate on your issues?" What has been his or her track record on the environment, schools and education, religious freedoms, freedom of speech, crime in your neighborhood? How accessible have they been in the past? Are they making decisions for you without checking in with you/your community? Or are they building their own little fiefdom where they reign, and are building their wealth, power, and political prowess? Last but definitely not least, "Is your community better off now than it was before they took office?" You live in your community. You see the conditions. Your elected officials rarely live where you live. When they do, are they visible? Are they involved in the community? Before this election year, when was the last time you saw them at one of your local events with their family just because? I am sure you are seeing TOOOOOO much of them now because they want to be re-elected -- fair weather friends are like that. Committed advocates for your community knows the pulse of the community! MAKE YOUR VOTE COUNT! VOTE FOR THE RIGHT CANDIDATE, not just the endorsed candidate. Remember, the endorsers endorsed based on THEIR INTEREST! |
| No, the day did not get any better. Issues to be addressed from the previous day had to be addressed. Not a productive meeting. Personnel matter resolved. Relationship destroyed, but a different one established to move forward to keep the City moving forward. Meeting with officer to get remaining items picked up and ready for Saturday. The street in front of my house was scheduled to be scrapped and resurfaced in time for the Mount Rainier Day Festival Parade. Signs were posted stating the work would be done between May 12 and May 16. No problem. The Parade is not until May 17. Did not happen. The street was completely torn up, but NOT paid. No word from the paving people. I call. Not going to happen until next week. The parade is still on for tomorrow, but cannot use the designated Parade Route. It is late Friday evening, and everyone has gone home for the day. Finally gets someone on the telephone. We meet. Nothing can be done. Called in Public Works, City Manager, and police department. Only option, change the parade route. We did. Now emergency notices must go out. Route checked out for potholes and other safety hazards; move cars, notify residents; post area for emergency no parking. Notify need to know personnel. Reassign police offers to block off streets for the parade. Hopefully, connect all of the dots. Back to preparing candy for tossing; fill bags with give aways; get kids together to get flyers out; get street posted with designated change. Created emergency notice and get it out to the residents to give as much notice as possible. Long-time friend (play daughter) comes by to visit. She just got in from Georgia. Anxious to talk and catch up. I really have no time, but she pitches in to help get things together for tomorrow. Working toward tomorrow. Son and his wife and the twins stop by with Jordan. Ready to help and get flyers out. Life is good, but so unpredictable. I'm tired. On the computer for 30 minutes, and off to bed. Not to sleep, but just to stretch out for a few minutes. Going to bed now. |
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My condolences.
K.
. I feel your pain. My Jim will be gone two years on July 19th. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and other times it feels like a hundred years ago. Almost immediately after Jim passed I quit eating meat...don't ask me why, I don't know. The human brain is so complicated. I think maybe it was something else for me to focus on, new recipes, new ways to get protein, something I thought I was doing that was good for me. I continue to be vegetarian and somehow it has helped sustain me. God bless... 