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Writings about death, relationships, feelings, and time |
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Expressing my feelings about death, the death of family members and friends, life and life's impacts. I hope to write poems about coping with death, life, family and friends, and getting the best out of life. Every emotion and every thought comes from living. I hope to live through my writings. Hoping to reach out and meet others where they are in hopes that any one of the poems will bring solace on some level. |
| What is life? Air Why do we have life? Air How do we live? Air Air is an awesome thing. Breathing air is oh so natural. In and out, each breath life saving. No air, no life.  |
| Relationships sometimes get complicated because of the lack of time to fully put into valuing someone else. Someone else said, if you really value the person you will do whatever it takes. When you listen to everyone else, you will find yourself being pulled and torn and constantly in a tug of war. The best relationship on earth and the one I most value is the relationship with me, myself, and I! To chow and understand me is critical to me getting to know you or someone else. If I do not know what I stand for, what I want out of life, who I am, where I am going, and why, then I certainly cannot truly take time to know you. Valuing me is important. |
| Growing Old Gracefully Talking with my oldest daughter this morning, I happened to mention that I was still looking for what the old folks meant when they talked about growing old gracefully. If you have read some of my poems, prose, short stories, you know that I do not believe that I am growing old with any grace at all. Most of my friends are also not growing old with much grace, as I imagined the old folks meant. Many of us have lost our teeth, our health, our sight, our money/source of income (outside of social security and SSI), lost contact with friends and even some family members. If you are like us and your hair is thinning, and your bones ache or you get out of breath walking then you too may have asked, "Where is the grace?" Try looking back at some of those youthful pictures that you took when you were twenty-one (21), thirty-five (35), forty-five (45) or even fifty (50). Where did that person go? Do you remember staying out all night; dancing until the sun rose; debating the troubles of the world, and your plans to change everything? Where did the glory days go? What happened to us, and yes, where is all that grace that those old folks spoke of so loftily? I finally got the answer! Waking up each morning is truly by God's grace. Grace and grace alone is keeping us here. We know that we (at least me) did not do many of the things that ensured a long, healthy, safe and wonderful life. We drank alcoholic beverages in excess. We got as little sleep as possible so that we could meet our obligations, and take care of our wants. We can cite incidents that surely could have been our demise, but God and grace kept us here. Grace along with mercy have given us the opportunity to be here today. So, yes I am growing old "grace"fully with all of my youthful memories. I thought about my body like I think about my house. My house is full of grace and dignity. It was built in 1903. Many of its parts have had to be replaced (boiler to furnace; oil to gas; new roof and siding; new stove, refrigerator, dishwasher; new flooring and a host of other things). Likewise, a few of my parts have required replacement and/or adjustment. Even though some of me no longer work the way it use too, I am functioning rather well, and sometimes even "gracefully." We baby boomers, I believe, have more grace than many generations before us. We have a much improved life over many of those before us. In the past few years, I have visited Costa Rica, taken a few cruises, visited a number of other island, and done things my mother never even dreamed. I have a slew of loving grand kids who call Years ago, someone said that everything is relevant, well, I guess they had a point. Growing old gracefully depends on your point of view! |
| Sometimes you just have to be alright. All right with you, all right with the world, and all right with the decisions that others make. You have to understand very clearly that you can only change you, and that alone is a very hard job. Being the mother of four children has been my greatest accomplishment, my greatest joy, my greatest disappointment, my greatest setback, AND my greatest love! The songwriter wrote, "You bring me joy!" They bring me joy, but they always remind me that the most beautiful rose in the garden still has thorns. I am one of those mothers who live for and through their children. I wanted to be there for them through thick and thin. I wanted to make up for the loss of their father through a rather mild and meek divorce. I wanted them to have everything they needed, most of what they wanted, and all of what I was able to give. They would never do without or suffer from need as I had as a child. These desires and that mind set have kept me going for the past forty-five (45) years. I have spent so much time in making sure that my children and grandchildren make it that I have become consumed. I should explain consumed. Consumed does not mean that I have not had a rich life. I have had more than a rich life by most people's standards. I have earned a six figure income (six figures left of the decimal). I own two properties. I own an RV, Ford expedition, and a Ford Escape. I have a fairly decent retirement, a timeshare and a vacation share. I am able to help my children on some financial level here and there as well as provide for and take care of some of my grandchildren's needs. I have dined with elected officials from across the State of Maryland, including a few governors of the State. I believe I am well respected throughout the State and especially in my community. In some circles, I am even viewed as a social butterfly. So, when I say I have been consumed by my love and desires for my children, I do not mean that I am drowning. Just overly concerned for entirely too long! I live on a dime. I am constantly in demand. I worry about their health, their well-being, their finances, their decisions, and even their diets. I spend more attention to them than I do to me even though all of my children are over the age of thirty-five (35). Now, let me be clear. They do not ask for all of this attention, and over the past several years, made it quite clear that I should get a life. With all of what I wrote in the previous paragraph, and that is just some of the life I have lived, I swore that I had a life and that I was living it to the fullest. NOT! For the past few years, I have wondered why I have never had the empty-nest syndrome that all of my friends have gone through and/or talked about. I just did not understand what everyone was talking about. My four children were all grown, married and gone, but still no empty-nest. Why not? Quick answer. They were grown, married and gone, but I was still hovering over them and every decision, every setback, every crisis, every, every little thing required my input, my two-cents, and my approval (or disapproval), and certainly my feelings would be involved. So, no I did not have time for the empty-nest syndrome. My nest was full. I even took in grandchildren to prove it. My children grew up and moved on with their lives, and did not know how to get me to accept their lifestyle or their decision making capabilities even though I had taught them how to do all of those things. When you don't let go, you become stagnated. You become jaded. You wake up one day and wonder why you do not have a host of friends (girlfriends/boyfriends). Thank God there were a few people who came into my life, and really appreciated me because they were certainly not one of my priorities. Many of them could see how possessed I was with my children and grandchildren. They could see how I dropped everything when one of the children or grandchildren called. They cautioned me. They told me how spoiled my children were, but I could not see it. I was providing for them, and that was what a "good" parent did. Okay, we need a reality check here. They are not children. Even the grandchildren (six of them are over 20, and one even has a child and another one has one on the way) are mature enough to make their own decisions. And, you wonder why you keep bumping heads with the children and the grown grandchildren! Simple fact. The children have let go. They are swimming. No need to keep jumping in the water to save them. Time for them to sink or swim. Let go. Who knew that I was still holding on? Hell, I let go years ago. At least that is the lie I have told me for years, as I demanded that they celebrate every holiday with me, call me at least once a day, and otherwise keep me informed of their every move. One day, while moving at lightning speed, I suddenly realized that I have no time for me. I have no personal life, and time is slowly slipping away. Many of my relatives and friends are dying or they are very sickly, and I realize with a certainty that I have lived more time than I have left. I know that it is now or never, and I start thinking that it is truly time to start letting go of the children and grandchildren, if I plan to enjoy any of my remaining years. Suddenly, you quit. You do not want to be a part of the decision making. You are tired of birthday parties, and anniversaries, and graduations, and weddings, and a lot of other things that used to make you happy. Disney World, Six Flags, Kings Dominion, Bush Gardens, and on and on are no longer destinations to which you must purchase season passes. For real, you want to go on long cruises; see other destinations; and participate in a very different world. You do not need to continue making a name for yourself. You are okay and quite content to just skip off into the sunset, drink wine, dance, write, or just do nothing at all. Sitting in your quiet house, and enjoying the silence is alright with you. |
| This is a writing that just kind of popped up today as I read a response from another author. I am a serious writer! I do have something to say in print! I have written and continue to write serious pieces that many people enjoy reading. I have been writing all of my life. Each of my jobs that I held over a period of forty (40) years required me to write, and most pieces were published as policies, handbooks, rules, regulations, ordinances and/or laws and many are currently in use. I say all of the above because I guess I have not taken myself seriously as a writer of books, stories, poetry, and articles, etc. because they wrote only as their profession. My professions required me to carry out many duties above and beyond writing as part of my requirement to earn a pay check. In my professions, I made decent wages, and most of my written works were retained as properties of my employers, but they were products of my writing acuity and acumen. |
| Read and reviewed a poem and a blog this morning. Both were on relationships and death, and both were very different in their presentation and treatment of the subject matter. As I sat and pondered this and thought about my own experiences with this subject, I genuinely understood how death and relationships impact people and their lives. As I sat, tried to find words that explained that death does not have to be the physical passing of a person, animal or plant. It can definitely be a relationship. However, a relationship cannot be death. Life offers us many relationship opportunities. We have relationships with our families, friends, coworkers, travelers, business partners, political friends, etc. Each of these are different and unique in their own way. Each is vital to us in some way, but none of them compare to the relationship that we have with our soul mate. Love is a strong and passionate experience. It causes emotions that swing in all directions. It can cause such deep pain that one may never love again for fear of experiencing that deep pain. Or it may bring such great satisfaction that one may chase it long after it is gone. A relationship of the heart is so complex and so invigorating that most of us seek it all of our lives. Many of us find it, but a great number of us find that it seems to only exist in movies, stories, and other people's lives. I sit and ponder this today because I read two documents that started me thinking and remembering the old saying "It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all!" Maybe that is true, but if I had a choice, I would never lose my love. Alas, that did not happen. One day, my love just walked away. Never to return. |
| Death Knocks Again Death knocked at our door again yesterday morning around 10:00am. This time it was expected. Anne had suffered for several months. Holding onto life. Staying alive at all cost. She could only look out at us and the rest of the world. You knew that her days were numbered, and the most you could do was hold her hand, rub her face, touch her head, and wisher your prayers and final goodbyes. The struggle of dying is hard on those that are dying, and those that are left behind. Neither can adequately say what they are feeling or even the final goodbye. Each knows that life is leaving, but both desperately hold on hoping that today would not happen. Yet, both know that it has, and that the time has come to move on, to transition to that next state that we all one day must become. Departed and leaving behind, husband, children, brothers, sisters, in-laws, cousins, aunt, uncles, and friends, she cashed in her ticket that was given to her at birth. No more pain, no more suffering, no more tears, no more struggle in this world. Life for her has come to an end. Memories are left behind for those remaining to hold, to cherish, to remember, and keep forever. Rest in peace Anne Miles, we all love you! |
| This is not a piece on death or relationships this morning. This is a piece on ME! Yippie. After days of thinking about this (me), I have made some serious decisions about where I go from here (this day forward). Although this piece will not do it justice, it will begin the process and codify my thoughts. 1. Schedule and go to a series of medical appointments to make sure I am on top of my health. 2. Get my RV road worthy so that I can get it back on the road, and do some of the things for which it was purchased. 3. Check on my lifetime membership at the gym to make sure it is in order, and then get up and go to it regularly (three times a week). 4. Butt out of everybody else's business and pay a LOT more attention to mine. 5. Plan and take at least FOUR full (one week or more) vacations out of the area (alone or with someone), and do NOT stay with friends or relatives. 6. Expand my horizon by exploring new possibilities, i.e., do at least one thing that I have never done, never wanted to do, and may never do again UNLESS I like it. 7. Empty my house by December 31. It will open to visits, but NO LONG TERM visits or house guest who need a place to live. 8. Consider VERY STRONGLY turning my home into a bed and breakfast or SELLING it and moving to a new location altogether. 9. Finish writing my autobiography. |
| One-sided Relationships It has always puzzled me when I learn that a relationship that I am in appears to be mutual on the outside, but up close, it is one-sided. Okay, let me explain one-sided. One-sided is when the person always want to help you; are always there when you need them; you can always count on their support etc. They never say no I have a 40 year plus relationship with a friend that I and my family love dearly. She has been there for births, birthdays, graduations, sickness, deaths, etc. She has always shared in our life events. We see her as family. On the other hand, we are never invited to any of her life events. We are not as connected with her, her family or her friends. Offers of help are usually turned down. Invitations to major events are never accepted. Offer to accompany her to doctors' appointments usually go unfulfilled. There seems to be no way that you can be a part of her real life. I accept her friendship and offered mine in return. My children call her auntie, and will do whatever whenever she asks. Yet, we do not truly know her. The lessons learned from this one-sided relationship is that maybe you have to ask more than once; maybe you need to ask why they behave the way they do; maybe, just maybe they are to aware of their behavior and the way they make you feel when they act that way. Either way, I think you will feel better if you at least raise the subject. I did, and my friend's answer was, you know how I am, just ask me again and again and again. I don't want to be a burden to anyone, and I can do most things myself, but I sure love it when someone does something nice for me! There it is! We are all different, and respond to our relationships differently. If you are feeling that you have a one-sided relationship, you owe it to yourself to help bring the other person out and into the relationship -- especially, if you really really care for them. |
| Ecclesiastes 7:1 King James Version: A good name is better than precious ointment; and the day of death than the day of one's birth . Death seems to catch us off guard when it knocks on our doors. We seem to be in denial that such a final and undesired thing could ever happen to us. The very thought of our death is distasteful and disdainful, and yet, we all know that the ultimate price for living is death. Death walks with us daily. It has a front row seat to all our activities. Frequently, we get reminders that death is standing by on the ready, and some have even reported seeing the light, and turning back. Yes, death is always present. Many years ago, a young man who was a drug addict from the time he was 14, told me that over his life, he had learned that everybody was issued a ticket at birth. He said that the ticket was ours and ours alone. He also said that you can give it away. You can't exchange it. You can't extend it. You can't get a new one, and you surely can't lose it. You and only you can cash in that ticket! Another person told me that death is a part of life. As surely as you live you are going to die. The question that you should be asking is will I be prepared to make the transition from this life because transition I must. No, we will have no say over the where, the when, the how or the time, but we can live as if every day is our last day on earth or our first day with the King (our Lord and Savior). We do have choices in how we live our lives. We also have some choice in how we die. We can die in sin or we can die in Christ with the hope of resurrection on that great morning when Christ shall return again to gather up those who have proven themselves worthy. So, yes, death is a constant companion, and indeed not a happy one, but one that should remind us of our immortality, and the second coming. Death our constant companion can motivate us to living a good life or we can walk in fear of dying and be more focused on dying than living. Choosing to live and to accept death as the ultimate proof of life will free you to live life to the fullest. |
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My condolences.
K.
. I feel your pain. My Jim will be gone two years on July 19th. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and other times it feels like a hundred years ago. Almost immediately after Jim passed I quit eating meat...don't ask me why, I don't know. The human brain is so complicated. I think maybe it was something else for me to focus on, new recipes, new ways to get protein, something I thought I was doing that was good for me. I continue to be vegetarian and somehow it has helped sustain me. God bless... 