Just Jul Lee is just me. I write my thoughts and observations.
I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world!
This is just a journal about me and what I feel and experience. It will speak of God quite often and since I am human it will speak of loneliness occasionally experienced and other emotions we all deal with.
I hope that you will read this objectively and rate it fairly, if you rate it at all. Please don't rate it if you're just doing it because you disagree with me. I am not you and you are not me, that's what makes us great. We believe differently and do things differently.
Sit back and enjoy but if you don't want to hear about God then stop now.
Just Jul Lee
I should blog...
DATE: July 12, 2005
As an irritating thought caused my brow to furrow, I thought to myself, "I should blog..."
My ultimate goal for the next 8 and a half days before I'm convention bound, is to write a blog entry everyday. I can't promise that each entry will be worth reading or that the content will be deep or that I'll even be able to do it, but I will try.
What I have right now is a sort of numbness about the trip to PA and NYC. I can't believe it's here at last and thus, I am not the least bit prepared for it. I am procrastinating to the last second and believing that everything will fall together and work out. Of course, that's like believing an explosion in a printing house would create a dictionary!
"Well, Seattle, this is Doctor Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health..."
The Bird That Visited Me
DATE: July 11, 2005
Yesterday, I was sitting at my computer and my mom went upstairs. Suddenly, she started shouting for me to get up there. "Hurry, hurry!" she shouted and so I made my way up the stairs.
"There's a bird in your room," she said.
"It was in your bathroom and now it's in here!" she continued, standing in the doorway of my room. I looked in over her shoulder and, sure enough, a bird was fluttering about my cluttered, dark room.
It went behind my desk but my mom couldn't find it. I got down on my knees and began moving stuff slowly for I could see the little dark head of the bird sticking out from behind a box.
After everything was moved from under my desk, I could see the bird clearly. It was a dark brown bird and it looked quite calm, considering the circumstances. My mom handed me a sweater to throw over the bird so we could get it out of the house.
The bird proved too fast and smart for such a move. It easy avoided the sweater and sat staring at me a foot away.
I talked to it soothingly as I moved an empty water bottle from in front of the bird. It didn't start or move away, which was reassuring.
"I'm going to pet your wing, okay?" I asked the bird as I reached out my hand and gently carressed the wing closest to me. Then, still talking to the bird, I moved my hand over it and petted the opposite wing. The bird remained where it was.
I closed my hand around its frail body and lifted the bird. It flapped its wings free and placed its feet upon my finger, allowing me to place both hands gently, yet firmly, about the little body and carry it downstairs and outside.
I stood on the edge of my porch and opened my hands and the grateful little bird took to the skies once more. I was smiling, joyfully happy.
I thank God that He brought joy into my life in a surprising way. He allowed me to take the bird into my hands and set it free without injury to it or to me. I marvel at His mercy, love, creation and humor. My God is an awesome God and He loves me!
DATE: July 6, 2005
I had a dream that my friend and I became friends again, that she forgave me for being truthful and allowed me in her life once more. Of course, in my waking thoughts, I realize that it could never be the same because there are added people involved. I couldn't spend time with them, wondering if I were truly forgiven, wondering if they deeply despised me even though she had moved forward. Our friendship, as it was, if it was, is over.
In my dream, her in-laws believed that I had some hidden issues and that I was causing them great problems with my prayers and my daily conversations with them. They believed I had some deeply rooted lust issues and that it could be determined with simple tests. They informed me that I brought all this misery upon them and myself just by being truthful, just for not pretending all was well.
Later, as my friend and I sat together, the conversation was tense and not terribly friendly. Her husband looked on, uncaring, but I knew that he wasn't fine with me being there. I woke up feeling miserable.
Last night, I cried. I do that, occasionally, usually when I'm talking to God, complaining about petty little problems that are just a waste of time focusing on.
For instance, what if I'm wrong? What if I am meant to be single forever, not meant to be a Pastor's Wife? I'm fine with being single but if I fall into the calling completely, begin to trust it and seek it with all my heart, and it's wrong, how miserable would I feel? What if I'm wrong?
Then, there is the friendships, or what passes as friendships in my life. I have come to realize that they are completely superficial. True, there are times when we can be honest with each other but I have never had a friend that I could completely be open and honest with. Whenever I would talk with my friends, I would hold back, always hold back, the true me. I would be truthful but I would not be completely truthful. I wouldn't lie, mind, but I just wouldn't give them my honest opinion. So, needless to say, my friendships always implode and I am left alone.
But not alone for I have God. He carries me through, helps me cope, helps me continue on. He is my Everything and He is faithful, honest and remains despite the rain. I love Him so.
I want to leave here. I am terribly unhappy here. But, as God reinforces in me almost daily, "Don't uproot yourself. God has planted you where you can grow, where you can produce fruit. You can't transplant yourself, God has to do it." And so, I'm still here. Gone are my dreams of Montana and of starting over. Here, I sit, and I will do so until God moves me.
I'm tired of being overweight but the willpower within me is so weak in this area that it might as well not exist. I've lost 10 lbs though so I guess it's a start.
I finally turned on the radio and tried to sleep. The first song was Our God Is An Awesome God and I realized that I was whining. How great is our God? He saved us, He calls us, He protects us, He chooses us, He loves us, there is so much He does. There are believers in other nations that can't praise God openly, that are beaten and placed in jail just for loving Him, the one true God. And here I sit, complaining about foolish things and bemoaing my 'fate' as it were.
So, as I told Him last night, I am sorry, Lord, for my complaints. I am eternally grateful for You, Lord, for Your love, salvation, mercy and protection. You are my King, my Father, my God, my Best Friend...You, dear Lord, are my Everything.
Thinking A Few Things Over
DATE: June 30, 2005
Well, first of all, it's the last day of June. Second of all, it's only 20 and a half more days before I go to NYC! Third of all, I need to change...
A few things have been brought to my attention these last couple of weeks. My friendships are superficial. This is something I have always known but never admitted. Most of my friendships end for one foolish reason or another and most the time I'm in the wrong but a few times they have ended merely because I was moving forward with God and they weren't. God is my Everything and I am not going to let Him go again just to have friends. So, I am alone with my Savior again...
Forgiveness is a hot topic button with people. A lot of times Christians pass off forgiveness as not vital in their walk. It is, of course, pivitol in the walk of a genuinely saved person. Salvation is forgiveness of sins, a debt we could never repay, a debt Jesus paid for us just so we can be forgiven and live with Him forever. The breakdown is in human nature, where it always is. We hold grudges and bitternesses against people our whole lives. We are angry with people for things that make no sense and we are disappointed with people when they fail. The Bible states that if we don't forgive, we aren't forgiven. Our debt will be reinstated. And yet, we miss this somewhere in the equation. We believe our unforgiveness is justified and back up our lack of love with statements like, "You don't know what they did to me!" or "I thought you understood where I was coming from!" or "I have the right to not forgive (not love is what you're actually saying) them because they really hurt me!"
Everytime you tell or remember what someone 'did' to you, it's like they are doing it to you all over again. This is the same with good things, blessings, but we are more apt at remembering the bad things, aren't we? I include myself in this little blog about unforgiveness. Daily I have to pray, I have to choose to forgive for it is a lifestyle, a daily course of action that honors God and pleases Him. And, joy unspeakable can be yours once you forgive others.
It is also a choice to love...
The Bible says that if you say you hate your brother (someone on earth, my friends) and love God, you're a liar. How can you hate someone you see and love someone you don't see? It's impossible! Forgiveness is a choice to love. If you say, "I love them but I just can't forgive them!" then you're not being truthful and that is only hurting yourself. Forgiveness is love, love is forgiveness they go hand in hand.
Did you realize that your attitude goes with you to Heaven? Boy, I sure didn't! I thought that since my body was going to undergo some great change that surely my foul, worldly attitude would disappear magically. Well, not true! This foul, bitter, jealous, depressed, worldly attitude will follow me up there and do I really want God to have to deal with it then when He is so faithful to deal with it now? No. I am praying now for God to change my attitude for only He can. I don't want it glossed over, pretty on the outside, horrid on the inside. I want it changed, a brand new attitude, a godly attitude. And I know that God will do as I ask since He's been pressing me to have an attitude change and recently showed me that only He can bring about true change.
Of course, attitude and mouth go hand in hand, so to speak. My mouth just won't stop. I've allowed God to work through me but I haven't completely surrendered my tongue, obviously. Gossip is under control but it isn't gone, which it should be. I always find time to whine, gripe and complain. Why? Because I'm spoiled! God knows it, I know it and, well, now you know it. I don't have lots of money or possessions but I am greatly blessed. Instead of rejoicing, I find places to complain. Today and, come to think of it, yesterday as well, I asked God to help me change this. Word vomit is never attractive and Christians should spread the Good News not the daily blues and blahs of their life.
Which returns us to joy! I want joy unspeakable, the cup that overflows, the laughter from the well of salvation and love, I want to be a light to the world, I want people to see Jesus when they look at me, I want everything that my Everything has for me!
Thank You, Jesus, for saving me and for speaking to me still. Thank You, Lord, for everything You've done and continue to do for me, for all You've given and for all You've taken away. Thank You, God, for holding me in Your hand constantly, for loving me and protecting me, for watching over my dreams and guarding my heart. Thank You...thank You!
Life with God
DATE: June 20, 2005
A poem written 6-20-2005 by Julie Doolittle (me!)
You're my Everything,
My Best Friend, my King,
My Light in the darkness,
My Stronghold, My Fortress,
My Rock upon which I stand,
My Father, always in Your Hand,
My God, my Shield, my Strength,
My Sword, my Joy, my Faith,
You are the Song I sing,
I love You, Lord, You're my Everything.
Think of all He is to you and make a list, a list of praise and worship, that you can call out to Him and thank Him. He is truly my Everything...what is He to you? Tell Him.
I sit at my desk at work right now, waiting, quite patiently, for 5 o'clock to roll around. I am slightly askew today and I am delighted that I have my Comforter and Rock at my side as always, preventing me from falling into the same traps I tend to.
I love my Lord and I will never let anything come between us again. I had a pretty harsh week last week but He was there, through it all, allowing me to be comforted and to tell Him all my fears and desires. He loves me. How awesome is that?
Well, Father, thank you again for who You are, for Your mercy and compassion, for Your shelter and Your strength. You truly are my Everything. I love You.
I Was Just Thinking
DATE: June 6, 2005
Have you ever failed? Truly and completely failed at something and as you look back at the path that is and was your life you see the same failure over and over and over again?
To give it a term or name that most the population of the world would use: Human Nature. It's human nature to become addicted. It's human nature to fall for the same tricks. It's human nature to fail. Human nature seems to be the bane of human existence.
Okay, so I can easily spot the familiarities of failure in my life right now. I have missed two weeks straight of church. Yesturday it was just being lazy but today I am ready to pound my fist into a wall. Not out of anger, mind, but frustration. The path I'm heading down leads to compromise and backsliding. I don't want to walk away from God again. Seeing this as clearly as I do should make it easy for me to remedy it. I fully intend to fight for my salvation. This, as they say, is where the rubber meets the road.
Friends. I seem to have drifted out into the sea of alone once more and I am the one that threw my skiff out there. No one shoved me, no one helped me, I just decided that I didn't want to fight anymore. Sad, isn't it? So, seeing this, I know that I must overcome this failure in character, this internal flaw, and fight for my friendship. Doesn't that seem like the logical thing to do? Unfortunately, for me, I am, as I slightly mentioned above, lazy and am not willing to put forth the effort.
Why? Because, over the course of a month or so, God has shown me some serious personality flaws that I must deal with. The only way is prayer, by the way, since these flaws are deep rooted and I can only overcome with the help of my Savior. Judgemental, lust, anger, gluttony, jealousy...all these, plus others, linger in my soul and I battle them with an ax when I should be using a sword.
Sword: The Word of God.
Unfortunately, with me being who I am, I have stopped reading God's word. This just came to me now, this revelation of how I've neglected His teachings for, well, a long while. God allows me to continue living despite my disobedience and laziness. He is merciful and I'm not saying that He is holding a huge flyswatter over my head waiting to squash me. I know He watches over me like the protective Father He is and I know that I live because He loves me, not because I've done great things.
So, reading His word. I must return to my prayer closet and seek Him. How could I be missing this?
If I fail to remain His I will be unable to move. Any move away from the place where I grew up without God will lead to my spiritual death. Why can't I see this? Everytime I planned to move, I would try to shut out God's voice. But, now, He is speaking to me. I believe He will allow me to move to Montana as long as He goes with me. And I want Him to.
So, I was just thinking...
DATE: June 1, 2005
Okay. I'm back from my trip to Montana, which, I must say, was quite enjoyable.
So, as of right now, I am considering, as I ALWAYS end up doing, moving. I know, you've heard it all before. That's why I'm not telling anyone in Santa Fe or in Montana yet. My intentions are as follows:
I intend to give my notice pretty soon, as sure as I'm a hundred percent positive that I'm moving (I'm 80 percent positive right now) and I'm planning to go to NYC and having my last day be the day that my leave expires.
I intend to have a job before I get up to Montana. I plan to complete phone interviews and if they have to meet me in person before they give it to me, I will speed up there to make it happen.
I actually discovered a church up there that will allow me to serve God. I'll miss my church family down here but if God will allow me to move, I'm not going to pass up the opportunity.
There you have it. If my intentions work out, I should be moving up there in early September, shortly after my nephew is born. I will probably stay with family for a month or so while I look for an apartment. Either that or I will try to purchase a foreclosed home while I'm still in Santa Fe.
So far, this is actually going to happen but if it isn't God's will for my life then in Santa Fe I shall stay.
Consider my blog updated!
DATE: May 26, 2005
Today at noon, Mom and I are leaving to Montana for the weekend. My uncle PJ is on leave from Iraq and we're going to see him. I'm excited though I know that:
1. It's a very long drive and I'll be very tired for work on Monday.
2. It's a three day weekend and since I work for Police Department Records (I do, by the way, in case I never said so) I'm going to have Thursday's, Friday's, Saturday's, Sunday's and Monday's work to come back to.
But, I'm still excited.
Originally, this weekend was meant to be spent in Albuquerque hanging out with Carla and PJ but now, obviously, it's not.
Capetown, South Africa. That is where Pastor Moore and his family are setting up a church, by the way. If you happen to live there, check it out. I don't know the name of it right now but Pastor Dale Reece used to pastor it, if that helps.
This past weekend I backslid. I didn't go completely off the ship but I was allowing old attitudes back in and feeling bitter and depressed, angry and judgemental. Anyway, I told God, "I think I'm slightly backslidden."
"There's no such thing as slightly backslidden," He replied.
"You're right," I said. And let me pause now to say that He's ALWAYS right so I don't know why I always tell Him what He already knows to be true. "I'm backslidden."
So, I bowed my head and repented, just like the first time I got saved, I asked Him back into my heart, to rule and lead me. Then, I apologized for demanding my way, for insisting that His calling on my life (Pastor's wife) couldn't be true because He wouldn't do that to me.
I asked Him to forgive me for being selfish and defiant of His will and His voice. I finally saw a piece of the puzzle I was missing. Marriage is a blessing, a wonderful gift from God, if done in His timing and His will.
And so, I will no longer complain, grumble or be defiant of God's calling for me. I will no longer doubt or be immature. I thank God for loving me enough to hold onto me despite my childish behavior. I thank Him for loving me in general. He is good. So good. If you don't know Him, please meet Him. He's waiting for you to come to Him, on bended knee, so He can wrap His arms around you and comfort you, keep you safe.
Okay, so, I've updated my blog (which won't happen again until I get back) and I've let you all know the details of my life.
One more thing! I submitted The Burning Blood Chronicles: GODS to Publish America for publication. It takes longer to be approved with a sequel, or second book in general, than the first novel so I'm still waiting to hear from them.
Well, have a good and safe Memorial Day Weekend, Americans! And have a fun and safe weekend everyone else!
DATE: May 16,2005
Okay, so I decided to do a double-whammy today and write two, that's right, TWO blog entries in the same day! Wow!
All right. Just so you know and I have to talk about it at least once, we had to put our dog Junior to sleep Saturday afternoon. He was Precious' brother and we had had him for like ten or eleven years. It hit my mom a lot harder than me. He had always been a thin dog but for the last month he just couldn't put on weight. My mom began feeding him three times a day (noodles) but it wasn't working. At last, Saturday, we took him to the vet. Don't think we're cruel for waiting...we're just not wealthy. Junior was still acting like his hyper and happy self and the only thing that we could see wrong with him was the weight loss and my mom said that he had thrown up a few times but it was hours after he'd eaten so we couldn't understand it.
Anyway, they did blood work and took x-rays and they told us when we returned an hour later that he was losing blood. His count should have been 35 or something and it was 19. That was staggering but we told them to continue the tests and they were going to give him something to coat his intestines and whatnot in order to try to stop the bleeding.
When we returned that afternoon to take him home, they told us that they thought he had cancer. We had to then make the decision to put him to sleep or to pay for the therapy. We didn't want Junior to suffer anymore. He had leg problems so we're thinking that the cancer was there. His blood count had dropped to 17 in that short time and so we decided to have him put to sleep.
We spent about ten minutes saying good-bye and now he is gone. I just wanted to let everyone know what happened this Saturday with Junior.
I had a dream last night where Satan was trying to tempt and assault me with sexual perversion. In the dream, I suddenly woke up when God yelled my name, "Julie!" in such a forceful way that it changed the aspect of the dream. It made it so that I had been dreaming of the sin that I was committing while seeking permission from God rather than actually committing it in the dream. The assault ended and the spirits of perversion and disobedience fled.
I want to take this moment to thank God for watching over my dreams. He is so good to me.
DATE: May 16, 2005
Do you remember joy? Absolute and complete joy? I can't say for sure if you do or not but I must say that it would be very hard to do so since you were an infant when you experienced unhindered joy.
Babies laugh deep and, sometimes, at nothing, those cute belly laughs that make the parents and those watching smile stupidly and wish, deep within themselves, that they could experience such mirth.
How? Jesus, of course.
I admit that I am the last person to tell you of unending mirth and joy because of all my self-pity and bemoaning in this journal of mine but I have begun to experience a mere sampling of the joy of Christ and in Christ, a genuine relationship with Him and I am eager to gain it all.
Well, God has shown me the lost, as it were, surrounding me daily. So, how many of you, reading these words right now, are lost? How many of you are feeling as if your world is crumbling? As if you have no hope, no joy, no reason to continue living the bleak existence you now journey? How many of you are desperate to be loved? How many of you are wallowing in sin and not understanding why your life just isn't joyous, isn't working out?
Jesus loves you. He does! More than anything you can possibly fathom. He loves you so much that even though you turn from Him daily, even though you refuse to acknowledge Him, He lingers at your side, calling your name and desperately seeking you to return to Him.
Return to Him, children, and experience the joy that He offers. Your circumstances shouldn't dictate your joy or your victory, people around you shouldn't dictate your moods and your actions. A relationship with our Savior, for that is what He is, will deliver you from the sorrows of your life.
Don't you want to be freed from the burden of your sins? Don't you want to be touched by the Master's hand and changed forever? Don't you want to be healed, both physically and spiritually? You can be.
I'm telling you, in the loudest voice I can, YOU CAN BE!
All you have to do is repent and surrender your life to the one that will never leave you or forsake you, that will never hurt you, that loves you so much He became man and died for you.
And...He rose again!
All this He did to be with you, now and in eternity, to love you as you have never been loved before.
Do you want it?
God bless all and feel free to email me!