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Just Jul Lee is just me. I write my thoughts and observations. |
  I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world! This is just a journal about me and what I feel and experience. It will speak of God quite often and since I am human it will speak of loneliness occasionally experienced and other emotions we all deal with. I hope that you will read this objectively and rate it fairly, if you rate it at all. Please don't rate it if you're just doing it because you disagree with me. I am not you and you are not me, that's what makes us great. We believe differently and do things differently. Sit back and enjoy but if you don't want to hear about God then stop now.  Just Jul Lee  |
Not Jon Bon Jovi? DATE: March 3, 2005 Later that morning... The more I thought about the dream, the more I realized that it wasn't Jon Bon Jovi. Yes, it started out as him but the guy in the mall that hugged me and told me about the shoes and all that jazz wasn't him. I still referred to him as Jon for lack of a better name, but, I believe it was the guy from my other mall dream, invading upon my Bon Jovi dream. I fell slightly better because it never sat well with me when Jon wasn't with Dorthea. I am so happy that they are still married, still devoted to each other. So, the beginning of the dream was Jon but only in name since I never saw him. The guy at the end of the dream was definately a combination of my original dream guy mentioned a few entries ago and the guy from Hastings. My conscience is relieved. I shall carry on now. That's all...thanks for listening. |
Jon Bon Jovi again and again and again... DATE: March 3, 2005 For those of you who don't know, yesterday, March 2, was Jon's birthday. He turned 43. Still a hottie. Ahem. Anyway, I told almost everyone I worked with that it was his birthday and I blame the dream I am about to unfold here on that very fact. I lived in a huge house in the country with Jon, who was my husband, my best friend Jennie and her husband (in real life) Stephen. Supposedly, something had gone wrong in the married life of me and Jon. Jennie was showing me where to go, that's how I knew we were in the country. We were standing on the steps staring into the countryside. It was like a movie. Anyway, I left. Next thing I know, it's been weeks and Jennie calls me to tell me to meet Jon at the mall. I go to the mall and walk the whole place looking for him but I don't see him. I look out the window and see my friend's mustang with the pirate license plate in the front and I'm thinking, no, he wouldn't come with Stephen. I wonder if Jennie's here. Suddenly, I trip! Go figure, it's a dream and I still manage to fall on my face. Now, the hallway of the mall looks like the inside of a department store but I know it's the hallway. I tripped by a rack of clothes because I was trying to see the car outside the windows. Jennie sees me and says, "Come on Julie." I get up and she looks at me all irritated and says, "Change your clothes." I hear, "Spit out your gum." and I say, "No, I don't want to." She shakes her head and we walk around the corner to the shoes. Stephen, Josh and Jon are all standing there. Jennie immediately throws her arms around Stephen and I look at Jon. "Hey," he says as he pinches my cheek. Then, he hugs me. I'm not going to gush, really, but oh the man has a body like nobody I've known! Anyway, I open my eyes and everyone is gone, including Jon. I'm like, what? I leave the shoes and look to my right and Jon is sitting on one of the shoe benches, like they have in Payless Shoes, with Josh. I see him looking at me with big brown eyes and I practically melt. Now, sue me, but right this instant, I'm not exactly sure his eyes are brown. I turn my back on him and he says, "I'm right here," In my head I was thinking, I know. I turn and face him and he's holding a pair of tennis shoes. "Since you left me these shoes haven't fit right," he says and I just look at him for a moment. Then, I kneel before him and begin putting the shoe on his foot. I can't seem to get his foot in the shoe and I look up at him and ask, "Do these even fit you?" He has an adorable little smirk on his face as he stares at me and finally I get his foot in the shoe. Then, there are like thirty different laces to the shoe, all different colors. I'm trying to lace them and Josh watches me struggle. The odd thing was that there were pink shoelaces. Pink! Come on. Anyway, I'm in a mad tangle of shoelaces by the time the dream ends. At one point, Josh asks me, "Shouldn't you lace the pinks together?" and I'm just too frustrated with the uncountable amount of laces to answer. Then I wake up. And that's it. By the way, God dealt with me about my foolishness toward His will for my life. I'm deleting my rant on marriage and moving on. That's all. Have a great day! |
No More Monkey's Jumping On The Bed DATE: February 23, 2005 Well, I decided that the Monkey fest of naming all my journal entries "monkey" has come to a sad, but not at all untimely, end. Okay, you can stop cheering. I keep getting emails telling me to update my blog and I keep deleting them. I am not entirely used to being reminded that I neglect my journal. This may be a good thing...eventually. Anyway, here it is, my updated blog, as it were. And, of course, I ramble. It is the safest thing for someone of my mental capacity and state to do. Ramble. Or not safe but definately easy. Okay. So, I was thinking earlier that I would write something deep and meaningful in my blog today. Of course, that was at around 9 am or something and it is now a few minutes to 5 pm and about time to leave for home. So, I will begin the deep and meaningful entry but don't expect it to be either deep nor meaningful. I have never been in love. Sure, I've had crushes that I'd like to call love, Kiahle and dancer from Hastings (see one of the monkey entries if confused, he's in there somewhere) but I've never been in love. I'm not worried or depressed or anything. It's just something I realized and it was definately a "hmmm" moment. I don't have many of those. I wrote a new static item today called "Julie's Marriage Rant" or something like that. Everyone whose responded believes that I'm pining after some forced agenda. Only genuine believers understand that God's will is the only will. If I can't have all He has then I don't want anything. It's all or nothing. But I digress. I love being single, marriage, love and all the inbetween nonsense, frightens me. Allow me to pause here a moment and apologize for my bad grammer. Today, I don't rightly care. So, no love for this puppy. That's fine, for now, but I can't very well be a Pastor's wife without a husband. A SAVED husband, not the nearest male to me at the moment. There happens to be none. You know, the last date I went on was my freshman year of high school. That, in itself, is quite odd, wouldn't you say? I am an odd person. I'm twenty-five, in case you're wondering, and that makes it eleven years, for those of you non-math people. It actually may be ten years... We were just saying that women tend to say 'actually' more than men. Interesting... But, once again, I digress. Okay, so the D.L. for those that don't get it (myself included). I'm not depressed or longing for some romantic fantasy unobtainable. I'm just pondering the weirdness that is me. And is me. Will be me. Always has been and will be and blah, blah, blah! Hey! Thanks for listening. BLOG!!! |
MonkeY a.K.a. I Love Him DATE: February 1, 2005 I love the Lord! It's not something I've just realized, it's just something that needs to be said everyday, every minute and meant with my whole heart, soul and mind. I've thought of Him today and loved Him more with each breath drawn. And so, I decided that God deserves some joyous time in my journal. Here it is! I really love and praise Him! I want Him to shine out through me, to reach the cold and uncaring, to show all that He has risen and is King. This is what I want. Also, I want to know Him better, to follow Him loyally and without fail. This is something I should have sought faithfully but I haven't realized it until now. So, seeking to know Him, to love Him, to appreciate and serve Him, to be His alone and to fully surrender. These are the things I require during my walk with Him. It blows my mind when I think of God's love, unending and unconditional, and of His mercy and protection. Even when I drift from Him, His hands cover me, His grace protects me and I am always within His sight. When I return to Him, answer His call, He hugs me, doesn't condemn me, loves me as He always has. And so, sitting here today, I thought that it was time for me to write joy into my journal. JOY God Bless and keep you all!  |
monkEY a.k.a. Joy DATE: January 31, 2005 I was going to write something and I don't remember what. Anyway, today is a great day and I am saved again. I was backsliding and now I've returned to the loving arms of my Father in Heaven. I feel great. But, I broke two computers this weekend. I'm technologically dangerous this week. Frasier Season 4 comes out tomorrow and so does Mulan II! I purchased One Tree Hill Season One and the show starts again tomorrow as well. Yea! Jennie and I are going to celebrate my birthday together. It feels great to have a friend remember my birthday, although I forgot hers earlier. :( Anyway, her in-laws are going to cook me dinner Saturday. I'll be 25 on Friday. Well, that's all for now. Once I remember what I was originally going to write, I will add to this. Until then, ta-ta!  |
monKEy a.k.a. Dream Guy? DATE: January 18, 2005 So, here's the deal in rough english: On Friday evening, January 14th, Jennie and I went to Hastings Video (her husband works there) to hang out for a little while. I believe we were actually looking for movies or something. Anyway, this was at around ten in the evening. Suddenly, Jennie calls my name and points out a very handsome man with long brown hair (to his shoulders, or just past). I started blushing. I'll spare you the boring (embarrassing for me) details but basically, Jennie went up to him and told him that her friend liked him and asked if he'd say hi to me. According to Jennie, when she told him that I thought he was very handsome, he blushed. Anyway, I began to hyperventilate. I am very shy, in case none of you knew that, and so I couldn't bear the thought of him approaching me in all his ultimate cuteness to say hi to me. Jennie was hysterical because she had never seen me like that. Even Stephen (Jennie's husband) was slightly shocked. Well, fear won over. Even though he waited until I got in line and then he placed himself behind me, even though he approached Stephen when I was standing next to him and asked him questions, I never once looked at him. I really regret my shyness. Jennie and I wrote a short note and gave it to Stephen (I gave it to God from there) and so I'm waiting for Stephen to see him again. We don't even know his name. Stephen said that he used to go into the other Hastings everyday because he lived across the street from it. The guy is a ballet dancer! Anyway, I just wanted to write this down because of the dream I had earlier in the week. Who knows? Maybe, just maybe, this guy was the one in my dream. Could it be? |
moNKey or Just Another Dream (J.A.D!) DATE: 1-13-05 So, last night I had a dream... I was on my lunch hour shopping in a mall. In my dreams, I always visit the same mall. I have never seen this mall, that I'm aware of, and I don't dream of malls in my hometown. That, in itself, is weird. Anyway, I am walking past this store. Inside, a very handsome man with shoulder-length, unruly blond locks, is talking to the clerk. I stare at him. "He is so cute!" I say to myself. "He would never look twice at me." Something happens next that I'm a little fuzzy on but soon we're talking. I don't know if I grew a spine and went to talk to him in the store or what happened but we end up going to a hotel room. We sit in there and talk for over an hour. I look at my watch. It's 2pm!! I went to lunch at noon so I was an hour late. I tell 'cute boy' that I have to go back to work. We exchange phone numbers and even I am shocked by the words that leave my mouth. "If I wasn't a virgin, I would jump you right now," I say with a wry smile. He looks around for a moment then turns his handsome face my way once more. "You do realize where we are, right?" Of course I realize we're in a hotel room. I just smile and leave. I call work and tell my supervisor that I'm sorry I'm late and she tells me that an hour doesn't matter. "If it had been more," she says. "I would have been mad." F.Y.I., this would never happen. Anyway, I go home and go to sleep. Why? I don't know. Soon, my uncle PJ, who is in Iraq, comes in and wakes me up. "Hey, what are you doing?" Not angry, just asking. "What time is it?" I ask. "Five eleven," he says and I can see it on the clock on the wall (I don't have a clock on my wall). GASP! "I never went back to work!" I say. No one seems to care that I am deader-than-dead because of my accidental ditch day. 'Cutie' calls and we go out on a date. I know, in my dream, that I am madly in love with him and that he is definately 'the one' and so I am taking great care to get to know him well. That is the end of the dream, him and I dating. I don't know if I ever got in trouble with my supervisor for not returning to work. I believe that it didn't truly matter. I was in love. I think that was the point of the dream. Well, there you go, another Julie dream logged away. Have a great day!  |
mONkey a.k.a Worthless? DATE: December 30, 2004 I'm laying in the gutter again. I walked out of the palace and flung myself into the filth. Why not? It's so familiar. You can't make a begger into a princess. I don't belong in those safe walls, I don't deserve His love. But, even lying here in the filth, I see Him approach, love in His eyes. I can't bear to look. His love is so perfect, unfailing, as He stares at me with mercy. I feel the filth even greater now, can smell the stench, so horrid and rank. Why did I return yet again? He reaches out His hand to help me up but I still feel filthy as I stand beside Him. What destiny, Lord, could You possibly have for me? I've failed again, returned to the dung You cleansed me from. Earlier, laying in the filth, I had tried to deny His calling once again, tried to escape the guilt of failing by releasing my trust in Him. "It's not my destiny, Lord, I know it's not. I'm not pure, I'm not meant to marry. A pastor's wife, how lofty of me to imagine such a calling." Silence. "I don't believe-Why do You spare me? I have no destiny-Wait, I know that everyone has a destiny in You but I don't believe-" I begin to hyperventilate, something that only happens to me when I deny God openly and foolishly. I stop at last and cry. "I'm sorry. So sorry." But what does it matter? I stand beside Him now and mourn. I don't believe in love, I realize. I believe in His love, unending and unfailing, but mortal love...I just can't believe. "God, I'm filthy. I'm not pure. Don't You see that I'm not going to be a wife? I'm never going to reach my destiny." But He doesn't answer right away. He tells me softly to understand that He's not like us, like me, that He already forgave me when I asked and I don't need to keep apologizing, begging. I don't listen. "Yes, yes, my King, my Father, I know of Your mercy, unending, and Your love, unfailing, but I feel so bad, so foolish and filthy." Guilt holds me in its throes and I feel depression dragging my spirit ever downward. Thoughts of death and isolation occupy my mind. I feel so unworthy, so worthless. We are all unworthy and He still sent His Son to die for us, for me, He still comes to us in the filth we opt to wallow in. He forgives us when we ask and washes us off again with patient, loving hands. The garment is placed around us, fresh and clean, and He leads us, once more, into the safety of His palace walls. "Please, Lord, don't let there be a next time. Please, help me." But the doors are open, for He does not bar us in. The filth calls and I look at Him again. "Oh, Lord God, I'm so sorry." He loves me, He forgives me and though I am only worthy of Hell, He makes me His daughter, talks to me, loves me, comforts me and protects me. I'm not perfect but He is. I trust Him. So, I say now, "Yes, Father. Forgive my doubt and sin, I am Yours. I will follow You. When I fail, when I fall, I will rise up again and seek You. I will call upon You when I feel weak and I will walk with You everyday, just to know You more, just to be with You. Praise and glory to You, Father. I love You." And I do. More than anything, I love You. I am Yours. |
 F.Y.I. a.k.a. M.O.n.k.e.y. DATE: December 16, 2004 Dots are cool!! There are little nuts living in me! Try not to run away screaming! ** Image ID #891243 Unavailable ** ** Image ID #891602 Unavailable ** Links To Surely You Must Be Joking Campfire When Clicked!! If you are wondering who I am, then you haven't looked closely enough... ~~Image #4000 Sharing Restricted~~ Links To My Port When Clicked!!   Links To DragonRights Campfire When Clicked!! |
monkeY a.k.a. Ponderings DATE: December 16, 2004 I understand, Lord, that You are God, that You are the Creator of all things and that You possess great power. Unfortunately, I am a human that has a very weak spirit, something that seems to be a constant in my life is doubt. Now I believe that You can do anything, God, and I know that nothing is impossible if I believe in You. But, here is the thing. I don't feel pretty. I know that's not some great thing, something that's going to alter the course of my life or destroy my destiny, but I just don't feel pretty. I don't think I've ever really felt truly beautiful. There are times when my self esteem would crawl out of the deep hole it lives in and I'd feel attractive but then I would be profusely ignored. Seemingly, I'm invisible. Now, I thank You, Lord, for Your mercy, forgiveness, guidence and love and I know that Your calling for my life is the same as it always was and is but I don't feel pretty. Add to the fact that I can't stick to a simple diet and excercise plan and lose all this atrocious weight that destroys me from the outside in. I am willing to wait, Lord, for I know that I am not ready to be a wife, but today I feel ugly. Inside and out. I'm trying not to get depressed and writing helps quell the crying within my soul and so I write. I've been well, lately, though my prayer closest isn't existing and I loathe that fact and though my dreams are not being realized in my own hurried timing. Waiting, God, seems to be something I must always do. I do not mind, not truly, when it comes to things I'm afraid of. Yes, afraid. I'm afraid of being a wife. It terrorizes my soul and stills my heart, makes me think of a life that I've told myself I didn't want, didn't desire, didn't deserve. But You told me, once again, that being a Pastor's wife is what my calling is. How is that possible? Love leaves me alone, only in Your embrace am I truly accepted and loved. I can't see it, Lord, and I want so badly to see it, I want to touch it, to feel it, I want to see Your will for me as clearly as You do. Thank You, Lord, for the scriptures in Ruth, one of the things helping me to cling to hope. Funny, isn't it, that hope so easily slips away. It's been a week, for sobbing out loud, and I am already doubting. I'm sorry, Lord, that my faith isn't as strong as it should be. But, I am feeling better. Someday, I will understand love, human love, and I will feel it at last...someday, in Your timing, when everything is right and all is perfect in Your eyes. I can't wait until the day I see You, Lord, for Your love and mercy for me allow me to carry on. Thank You, Lord, for everything. JULIE A DOOLITTLE a.k.a MONKEY a.k.a ALL RIGHTIE THEN a.k.a. HMMM a.k.a. PURRR-FECT ;) Have a good day!! |
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