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Just Jul Lee is just me. I write my thoughts and observations. |
  I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world! This is just a journal about me and what I feel and experience. It will speak of God quite often and since I am human it will speak of loneliness occasionally experienced and other emotions we all deal with. I hope that you will read this objectively and rate it fairly, if you rate it at all. Please don't rate it if you're just doing it because you disagree with me. I am not you and you are not me, that's what makes us great. We believe differently and do things differently. Sit back and enjoy but if you don't want to hear about God then stop now.  Just Jul Lee  |
| DATE: May 10,2004 I don’t know why I am feeling like this lately. I think of all the ways I’ve messed up, all the ways that I’m useless. My brother threatened to send my puppy to the pound. My first thought was that I would kill myself and that thought hasn’t left me. I have thought of different ways to die, different ways to kill myself but I know that I am just pleading with people to help me. I don’t really want to die. But no one can help me because there is nothing wrong with me. I am just a single girl living with her mother, broke all the time, failing at everything. I have realized that there is really no point to my existence. The one thing I can admit is that my mother and friends would be very sad if I died. I wouldn’t want to cause them any more pain than I already have. I thought about flowers today as well. I wondered if a man would ever send me flowers, if I would want them. I ponder the fact that my friends and I are still single and I know that I am meant to be alone. I am not the marrying kind. My future has stretched out before me, bleak and dark, and I feel tears gathering in my eyes. I prayed earlier, told God to help me, to remove the depression. I was doing rather well after that but then my mom called. I know I need to move out but it seems as though God holds me where I am so that I can get out of debt. I understand the logic and I know that I can make it through but I don’t want to go home. If my brother got rid of my puppy I don’t know what I will do. He is just cruel enough to do it or to make me think he did it. He always says hateful things, always makes me look in the mirror afterward and debate my worth, like most the men in my life. They don’t understand me. They just don’t understand how lonely I am, how miserable I feel and I can’t tell them because there truly isn’t a reason for it. God showed me today how blessed I am, although it may not appear that way, and yet I feel like weeping uncontrollably. I don’t expect you to understand or sympathize. In fact, I don’t expect anyone to read this at all. I waited all day, waited to see if I’d feel better and I admit that I did for awhile. It’s just that its back and I’m going home in twenty minutes. The one upside is that I’m walking now so it’s not like I’ll be home right away. I don’t know what I’ll do if his car is there. I just don’t know where I can go or what I can do if he’s home. I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to see anyone. This is the pain I recall so forcefully…I haven’t got a way to express how I feel and so I will keep it inside, as I always have, and pray that tomorrow I’ll feel like me again. JUST JUL LEE  |
NOTHING November 24, 2003 I sit here and wonder why I must be subjected to life. I often wonder why God didn't kill me when I was assured a place in Heaven. I used to believe that He spared me because I have some great purpose. That is just fog now, surrounding and evaportating. I feel as though I should be stronger but I can't bring myself to weep. I am a failure, that much is evident. I still have been unable to lose weight, even after numerous attempts. I finally have a friend, someone that actually wants to hang out with me, but now someone is moving in again. Her intent: to destroy the friendship and steal the friend. The sad part is that she doesn't care about my friend. Living this life of mine is enough to make me sad, to make me ponder the lack of sunshine. So? What brought this on? My mother, as usual. We are going on a long road trip in two days and I seriously doubt I'll be able to handle it. God is telling me to bite my tongue, that I'll only be living with her one more month. Can I do it? I hope so. I am trying to be me but I don't know who I am. What does it matter? I am sinking deeply into that well once more, hating the holiday season and dreading the tears that always come with the gifts. My father hasn't spoken to me. I sent him the letter (finally) and he still doesn't get it. I guess I don't have a father, not truly. What am I supposed to do? I've become a recluse again. I spend large amounts of time in my room. Tonight we're supposed to take pictures at Wal-Mart. I'm hoping that doesn't happen. I don't want to fake a smile and act like we're all one big happy family. My brother's girlfriend is expecting a baby. They are supposed to get married at the end of January. I'm still single but I'm not complaining. I think I'm happier single. I think I have a greater chance at happiness without a husband/boyfriend. I can't express in this journal just how worthless my family can make me feel. There are days when I feel loved, when I actually feel that despite all my shortcomings and failures, I am loved. Today, my brother called and hurt me and my mom hung up on me. Today isn't one of those days when I feel loved. Thanksgiving is around the corner, another year with the lies. We're going to Montana this year, hopefully it will be a better trip. I'm sick of failing, sick of losing, I want to win. I just hope I don't complain about the prize when I do win. Well, I guess I should tell you some of the positive things. I am published. I can't recall if I mentioned that in one of my earlier entries or not. I'm still planning on becoming an actress. I'm not planning on moving to California until 2005 because God told me to stay here for another year. I may be housesitting for five months, living rent free. Then I'm planning to move to Albuquerque. My friend may move with me. I can't say for sure yet. My fish died. My cats are still alive as are my dogs. My second manuscript has been submitted to PublishAmerica for consideration and I am in the Christmas play at church. I don't want to talk about that though. Otherwise, despite what I mentioned above, all is well here. I hope all is well where you are also. Thanks for listening.  |
THE COOLNESS OF A FRIEND DATE: August 5, 2003 Contrary to what the title implies, I am not speaking of how awesome my friend is. It's much more complicated than that. So long ago I felt so special, now as I think back to the phone called placed to those that made me feel special, I weep. Or at least I want to weep. I'm at work so I don't have that liberty. She was so cool, so unconcerned that I had called. I felt my heart shatter as she didn't respond with any joy or any emotion at all. Am I so worthless to them? Truly, the falling out between me and the son was just a little of too much time together. Now, no one cares. And so, the coolness of a friend is just that, the aloof response to my joy, the crushing of my happiness and the bringing of tears to my eyes. Thanks for listening. |
What Now? DATE: July 8, 2003 Okay, it sucks. I can't even begin to touch upon the week I'm having...and it's only Tuesday. I don't even think this entry follows the self-imposed format all the others follow. And you know what? Just for now, only today, I don't care. I'm thinking of running, fast and far, running and never coming back. I feel like dying, I feel like crying, I feel like sceaming, I feel like laughing, I feel like talking and all I can do is type in my journal. This is not going good right now, this life of mine. I'm drowing and no one can see me any longer. I feel sick. I'm wondering why I'm even bothering to write this down now. Afer my always entry, you figure I would be different today. I'm not. Yesterday was awful, today is spiraling rapidly downward. Eep! Arrgh! Ack! Crap!! I guess. Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world!  
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Always DATE: June 26, 2003 Ah, it's Thursday, the day before Friday, and all's quiet on the western front. Or maybe it's not. I'm too happy to care. I'm listening to Jon Bon Jovi, my forever favorite man and band, while I work away the daylight hours dreaming of California. I imagine it would be mightily disappointing if I don't make it to California but I believe I will. I have the will, I have the drive and I have the means. Or I will once the New Year arrives. Anyway, I am in a rather sparkling mood today and I don't know why. Yesterday afternoon it began, the slow joy spreading throughout my body like warm syrup, leaving me smiling and joyous. I believe that there may be a day in everyone's life when they realize they should be happy. Why not? I'm alive, aren't I? I have a very vivid imagination, I have spare time and I have money. Not a lot of money, mind you, but enough to get by. If I truly believed that tomorrow, the sky would cloud over and the rains would fall, I would still feel this great release of depression and stress. Why? I still have no genuine idea. Allow me to state, for the record and for myself, that this joy comes, in large part, from God. It is such a wonder to be able to speak to Him and know that He hears you. I talk to Him all the time and I am not crazy. I just wanted to sit here a moment and spew all that I feel inside. The revelations I commented on yesterday, about my beauty and my talent, has led me to become more confident than I was yesterday. Maybe it's like a virus and will spread. I wonder if anyone truly realizes what is going on inside of me. I believe that despite all the future holds or releases, I will be fine. I will always be fine. ** Image ID #645204 Unavailable ** |
| Dad, First, before this gets all heavy and insane, I wanted to tell you that when I saw this card I just had to get it for you. I am so glad that I got my creativity from you. You can think of a solution to anything and you are so giving to those in need that it makes me proud to be your daughter. I decided to write this letter instead of writing inside the card. I just want to apologize for not being the daughter I should be. It seems to me that I will never be able to do all it is you and mom expect me to do. I shouldn’t feel guilty about it but I do. I didn’t want to write this letter and send it to you on Father’s Day but I figure that if I just gave you a card you would think of how I never call and I will know that you are thinking of how I never visit. I guess, basically, I am just rambling my feelings. I figure if you and mom can tell me how much I upset you that I should be able to say the truth to you. I am, after all, your daughter even if I fail to make you proud. I know you love me, dad, and I love you too. Very much. I’m just selfish, I guess. It’s been so long since I’ve been able to think about things without this jaded outlook covering my thoughts. I am not sure I can make you understand what I’m feeling. When I thought about writing this letter to you, I wondered if I should. It has been a long time that I have felt the unhealthy pressures of guilt weighing down upon me, pressing me into a mold that I don’t fit in. It isn’t my fault that life hasn’t worked out the way it was planned. I can’t be someone I’m not. It seems as if I can’t truly go to anyone and be myself, as though I have to guard who I am. I am thinking of leaving New Mexico and moving somewhere by myself. I just want to tell you that. It’s not your fault or mom’s or anything, it’s just that I might as well be somewhere else, as alone as I am. I told mom that there was a wall between her and me and that there was also one between you and I. The things I am going to say here are the things that I cannot put to words when I am talking to you. Don’t condemn me, dad. I could not believe it when I discovered that you hadn’t forgiven me for a past error. It had been over ten years and you hadn’t forgiven me. I don’t think anything hurt more than finding that out. Just recently, I wrote a letter to mom and expressed some of my feelings. I know you once told me to never write letters because they can always come back to haunt me but I express myself so much easier when I’m writing instead of talking. Every time I visited you, I felt out of place and guilty that I didn’t spend more time with you. When I lived with you, mom made me feel the same way. At least once in my life, both you and mom have called me a user and selfish. It hurts to realize you feel that way, or did at some point, and made me wonder if I truly am a user and selfish. I am, I guess. Why would my parents say it if it weren’t true? I wrote this poem last month. Do you love me, Daddy? Despite all I’ve never said? You don’t see me when I cry, You don’t hear me wishing I were dead. It’s lonely without your love, And I’m falling away from life. Your silence is like a violent shove, I’m afraid you’re holding the knife. Do you remember me, Daddy? I’m your daughter, your princess, I’m trying so hard to be, What you expect, the best. She doesn’t understand me, Even when she claims she does. I can’t call her Mommy, Or say, “I love you” just because. Do you love me, Daddy? Even though I’ve failed you? It’s so miserable being me, Destroying everything I try to do. If I died tomorrow would you cry? Alone or openly would you weep? Would I be missed or would the world pass by, As though I were only asleep? Do you miss me, Daddy? Miss my face, my voice, my smile? A little or a lot? Do you think of me, Daddy? Because it kills me to think you don’t. I’m sorry I don’t visit more often, dad. I’m sorry I haven’t called. But allow me to tell you the reason of my latest lack of attention. I realize, dad, that drinking and cursing is not something you consider a sin and I’m not here to preach, especially since I have fallen away from salvation myself recently. I gave up. I don’t see the point to fighting the fight any longer. Currently, I am trying to realign myself with Jesus but it is so difficult to discipline myself. On New Years you called me and told me not to bother to come over, to just do what I had planned for the day and forget about visiting you. It was early in the day and you were already intoxicated. You may not even remember calling me. The thing was that the only thing I had to do that day was visit you. I had been looking forward to spending the day with you. Instead, I spent the day in my room crying. You see how it works both ways, dad? I decided on that day to stop feeling guilty about not calling and not visiting you as often as I ‘should’ and that is why I haven’t truly gone out of my way to call you and say I love you as often as I used to. I do love you, dad, no matter what and I will always be your daughter. I just need to know that I’m not going to feel guilty whenever I see you. I hope you and Michelle are happy and I hope that one day you will honestly seek God again and hear His voice. I hope that I will do the same. I know that I’m backsliding and I’m so scared of going to Hell. I don’t think I could ever tell you enough that I love you. I want to tell you to return to Jesus and turn your back on your sins but I can’t because I am automatically accused of judging. But, you see, I’m there now. I’ve drunk, I curse and I know that I’m doing wrong. If I’m doing wrong, how could you not be? Anyway, dad, I’m sorry that this letter had to come to you on Father’s Day and that you had to read it but if I didn’t write it, this would have been a card sent to my dad on a day that it was expected. It would be the same attempt to pretend nothing is wrong even though we haven’t spoken for over six months. I hope you understand. Love, Always, Julie |
| Mom, I didn’t want to write this letter and hopefully you never see it, but I needed to tell you how much it hurts to be who I am. I can’t be Julie anymore; I can’t live with the failures and the guilt, the anger and the bitterness, the debt and the depression. It just isn’t working for me. I need to escape. It would be so easy to fall away, Mom, to just walk away from all the responsibilities that haunt me, to fall into the well of self-pity, but I fight the pull. I am friendless, Mom, but you don’t realize it. The Crespin’s are the most loyal friends I have found in my life. It is sad when you think about it. I sleep better on a pull out sofa sleeper in their house than I do in my own bed. I have more fun spending time with them than I do on my happiest day anywhere else. I feel closer to God, I hear Him speaking and I actually long to do as He tells me when I am with them. Deep inside, Mom, you must always know that I love you. I have never wished you ill, never wished you weren’t my mother. There are things I wish had never happened but I am glad that my Mom is still alive and with me. The thing is that we can end up hating each other if life continues this way. I am all alone in a large house surrounded by family and always frowned upon. I can’t seem to please anyone and I am sick of trying. It has occurred to me, more than once, that I am not the most important member of this family. I don’t contribute and I seem to do more harm than good in my daily living. So, I need to discover my worth and value and I can’t do it here. I also can’t leave. My weekend escapes to Albuquerque help me to feel stress-free and calm but there is always Monday. I am not telling you this to hurt you, I am telling you this to see if there is anyway you can understand what I feel. You always complain about you, about how much debt you’re in and how depressed you feel daily. You make me feel guilty about everything I do and say, make me doubt myself, and make me wonder if I will ever be the person I want to be. It’s just the way you are, Mom, just like I’m the way I am. I am rude, I do have an attitude and I am currently putting me first. The reason I am doing this is because I can’t deal with all the responsibility of worrying about others. The house is the bane of my existence. I never should have moved back in with you and Joey. I should have stayed at Dad’s house but that just goes to show you that I can’t tell what the future will bring. We communicate and get along much better when I am not living with you. I hope you understand what I am saying. This feeling of hate and anger, frustration and depression, is slowly destroying me. And it is destroying you too. That is why I don’t understand why you cling to the house that is more of a burden than a blessing. I know that God told you that you could keep the house but don’t you think God also wants you to live happily? He wants us to be blessed and we can’t be in the house. I can’t escape, Mom. My credit is so bad right now that I can’t even get an apartment. I am so desperate to get out that I am living with the Crespin’s and paying them rent so that I can file bankruptcy. I’m 23, Mom. Bankruptcy shouldn’t even be an option for me. I should be enjoying life but I’m not. It’s hurts that you don’t know me. You pay lip service to me, claiming that you know me, but you don’t. To think that I would drink when I’m not around you hurts me. You probably don’t even believe me when I say I’m a virgin. I could be lying to you. These are the feelings I get. I know you try, Mom, and I know you love me. I love you too but I need to think about all that I suffer through in the house that you refuse to sell. You lie and tell me that everything will be fine yet we are living stressful and hateful lives together. We don’t even behave like a family. So what? Am I rebelling? I guess I am. It’s just too much for me to feel guilty everyday and hide in my room every night. I can’t stand for us to be this way but there is no other way for us to be. It is time for us to let go of everything. It is time for us to live apart from each other before I say something I will regret. Every time we argue, I bite my tongue and hold back all that I long to say. I think if you were to look at this fairly, you would see how much I’m hurting. Of course, you and Joey will join sides, as always, and insist that I am just spoiled and selfish. So call me that and I will accept the fact that you don’t know me at all. It matters not to me if you yell at me for this letter or if you cry or if you don’t feel anything at all. I just needed to let you know. I can’t forget all that has come before and there is a great wall between us that will always be there. I can’t help it. Don’t be overly holy and say that I have to let go and move on. I am in a place where all I can do is dream of leaving you far behind and being on my own. The wall needs to have distance between us before I can start pulling out the bricks. Mom, I have tried to move on but every time I pull a brick down another one is handed to me by you and the wall stays the same. It’s not just you, there’s a wall between me and Dad as well but it is a different wall. I can’t get close to either of you; I can’t hug either of you or tell either of you I love you even though I do love you both. I love you both so much that it hurts to feel this way. I can’t help the way I feel…I can’t help the walls that remain. That is the Julie neither of you know and therefore I am called selfish and guilt is heaped upon me for no reason. I can’t feel guilty anymore. It hurts too much. I don’t want you to tell me anything after you read this letter. I don’t want to talk about it; I don’t want you to try to open the doors that have been shut. I want you to know that there have been wonderful times as well, my life with you hasn’t been awful. It’s just that the baggage from our past is terribly heavy. I know that you’re probably going to show this to Joey and he’ll come to me and yell at me and make me feel like crap, just like Albert did that night when I left. No one wants to know what’s inside me, what’s hurting me. They just want me to shut-up and blend into the life offered to me. I have never told you how I feel before. If Joey doesn’t come to me I know that enough guilt will come from you, leaving me depressed and hurt once more and nothing good will come of this letter. That is why I hesitate to give this to you. I know you are going to say that I need to be there for you, that I need to be strong for you, but I can’t. I can’t. If I give this to you it is because I finally decided that it needed to be said and I would never be able to say it without crying. I can’t show weakness in front of you, Mom, because I don’t want you to attempt to comfort me. It is so awkward to feel pity or remorse from you that I just can’t stand it. I don’t want hugs or apologies, I don’t want promises or arguments. I just want to be free. I know you can’t give me that. Not without giving up the one thing you treasure more than my happiness. I know you are so glad to have a house, I know that you have always wanted one, but a house to one can be a prison to others. My cell may have books and my belongings but it is still a cell. This isn’t all that makes up Julie, Mom, bitterness and spite, depression and fear, there is much more. But I can’t discover me until I get out from under these things. I can’t feel sympathy for you, Mom, so please don’t tell me again how much you’re struggling. If you were truly feeling what I feel, the house would already be sold and we would all be better off. I can’t let go if you can’t let go, I can’t move on if you can’t move on. The sad fact remains that I am stuck in a very unhappy place and all people can do is make me feel guilty and selfish. I hope you understand why I have written this letter, why I have decided that I must tell you this. I debated and thought that a letter would not be the best thing but I can’t speak well enough to get what I’m feeling across. I love you, Mom, I do and if you love me you will honestly consider letting me go. I can’t leave until you do something to cut the binds that tie me to the house and to you. I need to be set free. I need to leave. Love, Julie |
It's Been Awhile DATE: June 25, 2003 SWOON! My last entry was in February. Now you should really feel like a journal. I do this often, writing away as if my soul would burst if I didn't get it all out and then silence for a long period of time. Well, here we are. Published, finally, although not with the book I planned to be published with. Past Vengeance collects dust as I await my friends and family's insights. I don't think anyone is even reading it. I'll just have to go ahead and fix the errors I find and publish without their help. Then they'll complain but it's been, like, four months already. It is very rare for a book to make me cry. I don't read the sentimental books that others are into. I think that fantasy novels are the absolute best for a wanderer like me. So, I am reading George R. R. Martin. A Game of Thrones fell into my lap many years ago. I believe I was still in high school, on my way to Kansas for a convention. Crazy! If that's true, it's been seven years or there abouts. I hope that is right. Anyway, I am now on the third book of what I believe will one day be six books. In the chapter I was reading last night, because I honestly can't put it down, two people died that I hadn't expected to die. Tears filled my eyes and all I can keep saying whenever I think about it is, "That hurts." Man, I'm telling you, it hurts. Ahem, anyway, I have readjusted my future for about the billionth time (no really) and I have decided, once and for all, that I was meant to act. Deep within me courses the blood of an actress and I can't wait to show all the doubters exactly what I can do. Which is primarily why I have decided to move to California in January. It is about time I flee New Mexico. Twenty one years I've lived here. Ew! It is time and I can hardly wait. Ah, speaking of hardly waiting, August 26th LOTR Two Towers comes out. WooHoo! But before that (oh the agony) POTC with my sweetie (I wish) comes out in theaters July 9th. RAISE THE ROOF!! Of course I'm talking about Orlando Bloom. Man alive! Anyway, off my girlish crush for awhile, there has been a great many developments in my life. I think, though I may not be entirely positive on it, there maybe an inkling of self esteem rising within me. It is quite a shock to realize that I am someone beautiful, even if I'm not model material, and that if none of the men in my life can see that, they don't deserve me. Ah, it feels good to be me. Truly. Life has reached a pivitol point. All I need to do now is rush to California and become what I am meant to be. I think it was the fact that I am actually going to be published. Despite all I've written, all that has been said and the fact that I actually won a writing contest, I never truly believed I was a writer. But I am. I'm a writer. Not the best but I have talent. And therein lies my self esteem. Therein lies Jul Lee. |
I Can't Even Begin To Cry DATE: February 3, 2003 Well, it's a Monday. If all else were to be weighed against that simple fact then everything else would feel this way. What way? Horrible. I don't even have the energy to complain. Okay, maybe I do. I'm writing this because I feel so awful today that I just want to let out a bloodcurdling scream and run about flailing my arms and crying. But I can't even begin to cry. Maybe it has something to do with the weather. Normally I love cloudy weather and we haven't had any clouds for so long. Why would I feel this way on one of my favorite 'weather days'? Because it's Monday. I realized this weekend that there are a few issues I never really addressed in my daily life. My fear of marriage, (or should I say men?), my disgust in making love, (or should I say sex?), my lack of friends, my lack of success, my lack of trust, my lack of compassion. I want to be alone. To face these things means to admit that there just may be something truly wrong with me. To face the fact that I am such a strange person, that I am so lost, so confused yet so sure of where I am and where I'm going. It is almost as if I can't discover who I am. Who am I? I fear the day is soon coming when I will have to face these things in my life. I don't want to. I am content to remain single for the rest of my life, to remain a virgin, to remain alone and to live out the remainder of my life blissfully ignorant of married life. Am I messed up to feel this way? I'm twenty-three, (or will be tomorrow), and I'm still a virgin. I am not ashamed of this, never will be ashamed of the fact that I have never had sex, never made out with a man, never been fondled or any other such nonsense as that. Now don't get offended...to me it's nonsense. I don't even know why I'm writing this. It's just that I think of marriage and suddenly I realize I don't want sex. I just don't want it. I don't want a man touching me like that, I don't want a wedding night, I don't want a marriage. I just don't. I labor through this with random bursts of thought. Would I be happier alone? I believe that life has some sort of trial I should face in order for me to realize the importance of love and marriage, (do the two really go together?). I am not entirely sure. My grandparents are still married but my parents are divorced. My aunts have all divorced at least once. What in the world do I have to look forward to? Divorce, abuse and restraining orders? Now I know not all marriages end in divorce and not all men hit but I've grown up with these things. They are part of my mentality, no matter how I try to escape them. I guess I don't really try to escape them. I leave them there. They are an unhappy part of me. If this were truly known about me, if people I knew read this, would they ever look at me the same? I have to say no. It is almost sad. I am all alone. I can't cry. It's not right that I should weep for myself. People would say I was just feeling self pity. I'm not. I don't feel sorry for myself. I just feel like I am alone. All alone. But I don't know who I am. And I truly want to be loved, to be found attractive, to have a man look at me with longing and love in his gaze...but I don't want sex. And therein lies the problem of Jul Lee. I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world! |
Maybe I Am Date: JANUARY 2, 2003 Maybe I am bitter. Can you blame me? I sit here and think of the fact that I have failed quite a bit in my life, I look back at my mistakes and wonder if it is possible to relive them. And then I screw up again. The stumbling blocks on my road of life are always the same. I trip and fall, cry and repent, and swear I'll never do it again. Tomorrow comes and I fall again, same block, same prayer. So recently I feel as if I have left God, as if He is not listening to me, not caring about me. I feel as if I am standing all alone in a large arena and no one knows where I am...and no one cares. Maybe I am depressed. I talk to myself, offer myself comfort. I tell myself stories to make the day go better. I tell myself I'm ugly and somedays I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I tell myself I will never be married because I don't deserve to be loved. I don't deserve happiness or children or the dreams I once held so dear. If the sun still rises I don't see it. The silver lining on the clouds is a dull gray and is only warning me of the storms on the horizons. I see only darkness and most of it is my own. I see only sin and it is the sin I commit. The walls of my prison are self-inflicted and self-built. The darkness in my skies is imagined, the sin in my life is due to my lack of self-control. So, I am to blame for the bitter life I live. Maybe I am distant. I try to be friends with people, try to be needed, and I guess I smother. When I am shunned I remain aloof. Why seek a friendship that causes such pain? Why make life harder than it already is by seeking out people who don't care. If my phone would ring more often would I smile more? If my father didn't drink so much and actually cared about me, would I not cry so much? If I didn't have to be so self-reliant, if I could humble myself enough to be comforted, if I could cry on someone's shoulder and let them hold me, would the pain lessen? I run in circles, dancing around the pain I avoided long ago. I sit in silence and hate the voice in my head, my voice. I listen to music and drift off to the place where I am happy only to return to the dark forest of my daily life. Maybe I am alone. Surrounded by family I can't go to for comfort, I can't show weakness to. Having people around me who don't go out of their way to say hi to me, people I don't go out of my way to say hi to. I do my best when I feel my best, which is not often enough, and I call them when I feel happy. They shoot me down, cast me aside and I am alone. I sit in my room with my cats, preferring their company to my mother's. I go downstairs when no one is down there, I talk to myself more than others. I invent friends and have conversations with myself. I dream of nothing and wake early, unable to return to sleep. I wake alone and think no one will ever love me. I stare at the walls, lonely and sad, and I cry more than ever now. Maybe I am crying too much. I weep because I am alone, I weep because I have failed, I weep because I fail still. I weep because of my sin, I weep because of my pain that I can't understand, for the lonliness I long for and loathe. If I cry it is because I don't know what else to do. I lay down and weep, allowing my frustrations to be vented in wet tears and eternal depression. I wallow deeper into the blackness of my existence and I cry. My face hurts from the excessive weeping, my heart aches from the pain and no one calls. No one visits. No one cares. Maybe I am just another face in the crowds. Maybe I am just another failure to be forgotten. Maybe I am just causing myself more pain. Maybe I am just a thorn in the sides of those who know me. Maybe I am.... But don't tell me you understand. Don't tell me you care. Don't tell me it will get better. I've heard it all before. And I still am. I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world! |
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