Motherhood, Deep Personal Investigation, False Matrix, Meditation
|Buckle up! This ride may change your whole perspective on reality.|
Journey to the Center of Me
Once upon a time, I was a child.
I stayed up late to watch the Moon cross the sky in wonderment, and read books by whatever stolen light I could find. I spent most days outside drawing and writing and watching the world. I saw the wind tickle the trees and move across the field, and listened to the sounds of life in the forest. I savored the smell and feel of the dirt and clay on my skin as I molded it. I was aware of my physical body and felt limitless, athletic power. We were extremely poor, and lived like pioneers with wood stoves and rain barrels and no running water but I was oblivious to that because I was a child and I lived fully in the rich experience of life.
About a year ago, as a mother of three boys with special needs, a wife and a preschool educator I could not shake this feeling that I wasn't living an authentic life. It was nagging at me and I started to pursue more spiritual education and information through the online video streaming service Gaia, the works of Gregg Braden and Eckhart Tolle. I had worked full time and attended college simultaneously just to get to this position in life and it all just felt... wrong. My husband had started attending college and though I was supporting our family financially, we had many conversations about my unhappiness until we decided to take a leap of faith and change everything. I quit my job without a safety net in place and pursued what felt "right", which was staying at home with our children for the summer holidays. My husband found a job in a career he had been trying to break into for over a decade (signmaking) the very next day! We felt incredibly grateful and blessed as he was able to continue his education and work in a field he truly loved and I also felt so supported and validated that I was on the "right" path. That summer sun blazed and I soaked it up every moment with my children. I thanked my husband daily for providing for us and for putting in such long days so that we could have this time cherished time together.
When September came, my children went back to school. They had struggled over the years and all three of them were on medications that helped keep them calm and "learning" in class. They hated taking the medication and I felt that a part of them was lost or at the very least subdued through it. It left me unsettled and I knew that a change was needed. By November, I had done enough research on homeschooling and unschooling that I presented the idea to the family and everyone was on board. By January, all three children were fully off their medications and living their authentic lives at home. I rejoiced in this victory for my children and stumbled and fell at times faced with the full energetic expressions of three growing boys. Still, I felt the path before me and I set my feet upon the hot burning coals eager to see where it would lead.
At first, I constantly second guessed myself and worried about how I appeared to other people. Was I a good mother? Was I doing the "right" thing for my children? My children wanted to stay home with me and reveled in the glory of their newfound freedom...but there was more to come. They were no longer confined to the broken school system that had been failing them but I had to actually free them from ME and that meant that I had to first free myself from the coils of conformity.
The more I delved deep into myself spiritually, the more I realized that the societal constructs that had taught me how I should be parenting my children were a false illusion meant for the sake of control. The more control I exercised over them, the more I imprisoned myself to the collective control of society. My ideas of "respect" were burned away and broken down into conformist ideologies where children and adults are taught to repress their true emotions about something or someone in order to please other people. Even rudeness was revealed to me to be a reaction that occurred when a person felt threatened. In fact, my perception of human bodies had also changed as I now saw them as precious containers for the energetic beings within. I knew that despite a containers age, size, race or skin colour, we were all the same and should be treated equally, with love.
The battle within felt like a crisis within a crisis with layers upon layers of beliefs, perceptions, programs and conditioning. I had to learn how to step back and allow my children to carve their own experiences from life; allow them to be their full authentic selves without judgement and without projecting my own insecurities, shame, guilt and pain upon them - but most of all I had to allow myself to exist, to just BE without judgement and dig deep to the emotional core of each projection so I could heal and let go. I wasn't alone on this journey. My husband was a part of this journey as well and as I started stepping back as I am sure you can imagine he stepped forward with many of his own concerns. The Truth has a way of setting the soul on fire and I blazed with absolute certainty. For every concern he had an answer came through me but I knew he needed to address to his own feelings and perceptions about all of it. There was no guide book, only deep personal investigation could provide him with the same kind of realizations that I had come to and that was and is not an easy undertaking. I wept for him and we wept together as our conflicts rose and fell upon our mutual love and trust. It is a continuous journey but we are all travelling together with a singular goal, LOVE.
If it wasn't for my children and the support of my husband and friends and for my pursuit to really learn the Truth and to veer away from the illusion that I have bought into during this lifetime I don't know if I would have come to this place that I am at now. I not only feel that my consciousness has expanded but I actually feel like I am returning to myself in some very strange and fascinating way. I am remembering things that I felt and thought when I was a child. It's less like remembering and more like a deep knowing that was shrouded in the continuous programming we are all exposed to.
I am once again a child looking upon this world with wonder and with love.