One man's journey to find the way home
I am an American Baptist ordained minister. I began my life journey in Massachusetts, where I was called to help people understand what it meant to know a loving God. The call came during a time when I was wrestling with how to help my brother Kurt, who was diagnosed with Schizophrenia during my high school years. I was a new Christian by my senior year following trying to understand what it meant for me to care about a person like my brother who others tended to stay away from. |
After twenty three years in Massachusetts, God sent me to the land of Kansas City where I spent about 35 years of my life. I was a pastor, a resident chaplain, a supervisor in training and most recently a caregiver and security. Everything I have done vocationally has been with God in mind. That does not mean that I am totally comfortable with all the movings of the Spirit.
I am now in Erie where I do not know very many people. I came here because of my wife. She is from Erie and coming here was the right thing to do. It just plain made sense. My kids had grown up. I did not like Kansas city in terms of climate and was looking forward to a change. I had become very frustrated vocationally and longed to come to Erie to get a second opinion, because I honestly believed that was what God had wanted for me. I left behind kids and grandkids who I loved!!!! I had two jobs that I enjoyed. They were both very appreciative of my skills and I was making more money with the two jobs than I ever had. I heard more than once. ARE YOU CRAZY?
Well I can only say that I am in love with God's leading. I am starting all over again. It has not been easy. Maybe some of you can offer me some words of support. I am lonely despite the fact my wife is with me. She battles depression and has two siblings that are having similar battles. When it is all said I am in a depressed community with a depressed wife and her family. So I begin the conversation....
|The greatest gift someone gave was reviving my account. I currently going thru a scary difficult time and writing is good therapy for me.
Two days ago my wife was having tremors' and had difficulty standing and asked me to call an ambulance. From there it has a difficult humbling journey. I know suffering in ways I never did.
We were in Er from about 1pm to 11pm, they did testing and told us we were good to go. We got home and two hours later my wife is shaking violently waking me up. She is drooling out of right side of mouth unresponsive. I call the ambulance and the dispatcher keeps me on phone till they arrive.
My wife left me and then started coming back to life. She woke up not remembering anything except entering ambulance.
We go to Er. She asks for coffee. She has not drank anything in a couple days. Soon after she falls asleep only to start having tremors, convulsions, difficulty breathing, blood out of side of her mouth from biting her tongue. On top of that she wet herself. She has been confused and more asleep than awake since then. It is painful and yes I suffer and yet not alone. Some part of me wants the suffering, another part no. It is like being in labor wondering what good can be redeemed from this.
|I like the nuanced celebration of life. Get up and look up as if God has something to say thru someone or some part of natural life and I am worth giving this unique message to. Today it was looking at the trees and being reminded of my story of being lost and found. Look up and see and know that God is love and hears the hurt of a nation and people and eternally delivers hope
|I was faced with decisions and let my body do the talking. I went for a chiropractor checkup which always means money will be spent. I would like to think I limited the damage. My body is getting close to retirement mode. I spent one half of what I usually do. At the moment I have a headache. I think ahead of me are decisions that will affect my health. My blood pressure continues to run high. I am needing to lose weight and focus on rest. God give me strength.
|Happy birthday to me does not mean everything is going right all around me. I have to have the internal joy before anything else matters. So I look out for my negative thought monsters as my teams of late lose. I guess I needed to enjoy success more. It reminds me of the other year everything unravelled, but this mess that is beginning to unravel seems much worse and who will pick it up and make it better. I have no idea.
|The day before my birthday both Boston teams getting best up pretty bad. Maybe I need to move. Enjoy success when it is there. It is very fleeting. At the moment the Celtics look really awful. Will they get 50 points. Sucks to watch, turnovers galore. Can they even keep the score under 20.
|It rained inside today and I thought the tears would never stop.
I recalled the times we walked together, sipping chowder nectar
We were in the same room growing up. Laughter
Then the thunder roared and in the midst you quieted
I was there trying to wake you up inside eternity
And now all I can do is wait until we once again embrace
It seems like forever waiting, like all those trip back home
You were always there waiting to give me embrace
The tears flow on the inside, lightning breaks thru
Time brought us together and will bring us together again
Then those tears that seemed so sad and endless reveal joy
God's most awesome gift
|I am so very blessed. Ask and you will receive and God gives in over abundance. I have tears in my eyes. Earlier I had shared with my pastor how I felt shipwrecked. My ship is feeling like it ready to get back in the water. I look forward to writing the ship.
I am so blessed to be part of this writing fellow SHIP. I pray that going forward I can find ways to bless others with my words and library presence. If any has cause to read this entry praise God!! For God can rise from the dead, not only Jesus, but anyone of us