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 |  A third blog? A good idea? A fresh start? A disaster? An omen? ...who knows anything? |
I nearly gave up on blogging and WDC. Then life threw another huge curveball and I felt like giving up on everything. But I'm Scarlett...I keep trying and hoping. I know not where this will go but I take it one day at a time.   |
| I've always been aware everything is comparative and we should try to count our blessings. Sometimes this is relatively simple. Other times it's difficult to come up with many positives or hope. On a worldwide scale I'm one of the fortunate ones, but on a personal level I don't think I've danced with Lady Luck a great deal, particularly since the beginning of this century when life seems to have thrown more lemons than my fruit bowl could hold. The first half of this year has been sheer hell. I intend to write it all one day as on a positive note it has given me some fodder for the novel I was never going to write. But as always it's one day at a time sweet Jesus. The second half of this year is shaping up well I'm pleased to say. Recovery from the worst six months of my life, the weather, new friendships, the love of so many caring people and my discharge home have all been wonderful experiences. Sometimes we need to go to the bottom of the black hole to clamber out and see things with clear vision. My first week at home has been amazing and I've had some wonderful experiences, both real and spiritual to inspire me. People have been amazingly supportive, helpful and caring and I have not felt lonely once. Some warn me not to overdo it and to take things easy, but presently I feel well, optimistic and am enjoying the continued good weather as well as new adventures and catching up with old hobbies and friends. I am hesitant to believe my luck has changed, but I do believe I am being watched over and protected by spirit. Maybe it's now MY time even if it is rather late in life. I only hope and pray I will have enough time left to achieve some goals and help others as well as starting afresh. I guess sixteen lousy years out of 66 isn't so bad. Everything seems to be going right at the moment. I'd better touch wood. I arrive at bus and train stations just in time, despite not planning my journeys. Everything I need to buy seems to be on offer or has a bonus attached. The right people turn up at the right time and everything I touch seems to go well. This is an alien experience for me. On Monday the Estate Agents came to take photos of my house and it went on the market. On Tuesday I had a viewing and it seemed to go well. On Wednesday I received a phone call while I was out asking if the prospective buyers could have a second look round. They are lovely people and right on my wavelength. Today they have returned, looked around, had a few laughs with me then went away to think about it. Later I received a call from the Estate Agents to advise me they have put in an offer. Not the full amount, but it's rare to get that these days and what's a few thousand pounds between friends? Besides, I have loads of stuff to sell, but that's another long story, so it should help boost my funds. Plus I will be downsizing and looking at cheaper properties so should make a comfortable profit. I'll never be a millionaire  but I hope to be able to live without worrying about funds, be able to treat my family and friends and leave something for my son and heir when the time comes. Hopefully not yet. So I better hurry over to Newark and start house hunting or I could wind up on the streets in a cardboard box. Wish me luck. I reckon it's about time I had some. Take it easy? NO WAY!  |
September dawns and I have been discharged from hospital and so far so good. It was the perfect time to leave as my bed surfing partner Nina was discharged on the same day. Another new friend for life. Also there were a lot of patient changes and accompanying problems with them so there were no regrets as my friend John drove me home on Tuesday afternoon. The weather has been lovely and I’ve already achieved a lot. Tough times ensure we discover who our real friends are and I’m determined to spend time with them and leave the rest to their own devices. I’ve already been out and about catching up with lost time/scandal/shopping/eating/drinking and have so enjoyed being able to cope independently once more. There will be rough days ahead, but I’m approaching things with caution and now feel confident my choices are the right ones. My house is on the market, I am slowly decluttering and feel quite certain a fresh start in Newark is right for me. I have no bad memories of the town, just the opposite in fact, so that will help a great deal with moving forward. Hopefully it will happen sooner rather than later. But it is and always will be one day at a time sweet Jesus. |
| Another week gone in a flash and feeling quite tired after a lot of activities. I had my first overnight stop at home last week when my sister visited so that was a pleasure as always. Of course I didn't drink or eat too much or stay up late. This week I shall have my first overnight stop alone which is a whole different ball game, but I know it has to be done and hopefully won't prove too difficult or lonely. I've been out to lunch and shopping with friends old and new and done a lot of bed surfing, which is exhausting.  My house is back on the market and I have everything crossed for a swift and smooth sale and a fresh start in a new home. I suspect there'll be bumps, humps and the unexpected along the way but I feel it is the right thing to do. There will be difficult days like today which is my 36th wedding anniversary, but with the help of family and friends I hope to manage. I also feel differently about this hospital and wouldn't be afraid to return if it proved necessary. Having said that there are some new patients and problems so I feel ready to leave and hope I don't need to come back. Writing material is here in abundance; some hilarious, some tragic and some downright bizarre. I have made some new friends who I know will be part of my future now. But it's still one day at a time sweet Jesus. Thank you again to those of you who have stood by me and helped me through this ordeal. |
| Another week in hospital passed by, but I won't complain too loudly even though I have the bug from hell. I guess being surrounded by doctors and nurses is the best place to be although I think I could probably self medicate better. Not sure where I picked it up from, what it is or when it will ever go away but it's certainly a viscous one. Otherwise still doing okay, touching wood. I have been home for a short visit accompanied by an occupational therapist and it is still pretty much as it was left. I have good neighbours, but there are still a lot of jobs need doing, particularly as I have put the property back on the market and am hoping for a quick sale. I am going for another visit tomorrow and gradually being prepared for discharge. It's certainly not going to be all plain sailing, but I pray for the ability to cope with whatever comes my way. In the meantime I shall continue to appreciate no housework, no cooking, some decent company, the freedom to come and go as I please and visits from family and friends. Eating out with son and family tonight and then no more crisps, chocolates, biscuits, cakes or sweets as the weight I have lost over the past few months is slowly finding its way back... Some things never change it seems.  |
| Many many thanks to all of you who remembered my burpday and sent cards/flowers/pressies/messages/chocolates etc. It's the first year I haven't taken my gals out for a special themed day in a long time and little did I know it would be my first as a widow or that I would be in hospital. However, my sister, son and family and friends made sure we had a lovely meal out and they also brought along the best spell of weather in a long time. We even had a little celebration at the hospital later with cake and grape juice, albeit different to the sort we'd had plenty of earlier. Today is Dylan's eighth burpday and I hope his granddad is watching over him and the family from a better place. I received lots of lovely cards and thoughtful gifts but one was unexpected and unwelcome... The start of a stonking cold. But you know me... Never one to complain ... |
| Hello...Anyone remember me? Or more to the point is anyone still on speaking terms with me? I know I owe a lot of you huge apologies for dropping out of circulation and failing to communicate. I understand if you find that unforgivable. I make no excuses but for those more tolerant souls all I can say is I'm truly sorry for my ignorance. Unless you have suffered severe depression yourself you will have no idea how all consuming and debilitating it is. I have barely functioned at the most basic level for almost three months and am still in hospital and not in the clear yet. I'm not sure I will ever fully recover but the thought of spending my last years on this hospital ward fills me with dread so a massive effort is needed. I am now making that effort and hopefully some progress is being witnessed. I won't dwell on the horrors of the last few months but instead want to say a huge thank you to all of you who have sent flowers, cards and messages of support. They have reduced me to torrents of tears on many occasions, particularly as I was of the belief I would never recover and just become a long forgotten soul on WDC and Facebook. Humongous thank yous to Nada  who despite going through tough times herself ensured my membership was fully paid up for another year. What wonderful friends I have online who I hope will help me through the coming months which I know are not going to be easy. So many thanks again to my faithful followers and hopefully I'll find time to now keep this blog updated and full of adventures, musings and observations. I am about to begin my 'third life' according to my dearest friend John. |
| Thank you for your wise words and care. I wish I could do as Chewie says and cry, scream, rant and go with my feelings. But they are locked in and all my thoughts are inward. I HATE depression. I have had bouts all my life and a really severe one about fifteen years ago. I don't know how I got out of it but I know I did it myself. I am incapable of doing that right now. My family are little help and some have caused me a great deal of hassle and pain. My friends try to help, but their lives continue the same and their conversation does not catch my attention. I can barely eat and only sleep with medications. There is no joy in anything and people seem to have forgotten I have a huge reason to be so depressed. I resent everyone still having their lives in tact while mine has shattered. I have suffered so much heartache and dealt with such a lot over the last fifteen years and somehow coped. This time I have cracked and am being hard on myself. My brain does not want to be sad but circumstances cannot be ignored. Writing a bit about my whirling head is all I can manage. I wish I could focus on other things but there is no pleasure in the things I used to do. Apologies for not reading other blogs, something I always tried to do. Maybe I should write the whole painful story in parts since my husband's death if you could bear with me. It's all I have in my head apart from the terror of this depression. Thanks for your support. Sometimes I think people on here understand me more than those in real life. |
| I am having to stay with friends at the moment as being home alone is something I can't cope with. Fear is a terrible thing to control. My concentration has gone so I can only focus on my troubled mind. It is very difficult not to be negative, but I have tried to do these things today. Go for a walk with my friend Write a bit about my troubles Clean my friend's hob Read one blog Phone a friend. I am supposed to be seeing my son and family in a bit and feel I can barely put on a brave face. They are so busy they have little time to spare and live a fair distance away. Mey Ling and Bobby are flying to Cambodia tomorrow for three months. Her way of cheering herself up I guess. I know my family are nowhere near as supportive as others, but there is little I can do about it and when I am well I can cope on my own. A shame I am not well at present. Apologies for the me me me attitude. |
| I am sadly in a state of serious depression. I fear I'll be hospitalised before long which is my worst nightmare. I so want to beat this, but concentration is nil. Therefore I can focus on nothing but my own thoughts. I understand the illness but fighting it is so hard. Any tips on improving concentration? |
| Trying to write every day was a promise I made to myself, but as I have gone totally inwards I can only think, talk and write about myself. I HATE being like this. I am now on medication and have appointments with counsellors, but my inner fear of not being able to recover is overwhelming. Everything I do is a huge effort and my focus outside of my own thoughts barely exists. I know this illness too well. I know constant analysing is what my brain does and it will not rest. Analysing drives me crazy. As a daily exercise I will write one analytical fact and though I know I'll rethink them again, will not repeat them in here. FACT - I could not accept the death of my husband. Adrenalin kicked in and I went manic. There was so much to do and many people around. I thought by moving house I would feel better, but then it hit me I was just running scared. I crashed and the fear of severe depression returning ensured it did. Knowing how hard it is to fight just feeds its power. Things I tried to do yesterday to not give in. Did them all but felt no better 1. I went swimming 2. I started medication 3. I tried to read 4. Asked for spiritual healing. 5. Went to church |
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) I try to dress according to the color of the day. Thursday is orange. Once I dress accordingly I only need to look at what I'm wearing to be reminded. 
