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Blog started in Jan 2005: 1st entries for Write in Every Genre. Then the REAL ME begins |
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It Hurts When I Stop Talking Sometime in Fall of 1998, when a visit from Dad was infrequent, and primarily at the mercy of his 88 Toyota making the 50 mile journey, I was being treated to lunch. The restaurant was my choice, I think. Sisley Italian Kitchen at the Town Center mall was somewhere my dad had not yet tried, so that was my pick. Either I was being treated to the luxury of lunch and adult conversation without my husband and 5 year old son in tow, or that's just how the moment has lodged in my memory. The more I think about it, they probably were there, but enjoying the Italian food too much to bother interrupting. Daddy and his lady friend at the time, Anne, came up together and made a day of it with me and the family. We were eating together and talking about some of my scripts, stories, coverages, poems and other creative attempts that really were not seeing the light of day. I think I'd just finished a group reading of The Artist's Way and was in a terribly frenetic mood over my writing. I think I'd just given them an entire rundown on a speculative Star Trek script. My Dad asked me point blank, “Why don’t you write it?? Anne agreed. It sure sounded like I wanted to write it. Why wasn't I writing seriously? It's what I'd set out to do when earning my college degree in Broadcasting many years earlier. Heck, I should, I agreed non-verbally. “I will.” But, I didn’t. Blogs can be wild, unpredictable storehouses of moments, tangents, creative dervishes, if you will. I'm getting a firmer handle on my creative cycle. My mental compost heap (which is a catch phrase from Natalie Goldman or Julia Cameron - I can't think which, right now) finally seems to be allowing a fairly regular seepage of by-products. That may be a gross analogy, but I give myself credit to categorize my work in raw terms. It proves that I'm not so much the procrastinating perfectionist that I once was. Still, I always seem to need prompts and motivation. Being a self-starter is the next step. My attempt to keep up in the Write in Every Genre Contest at the beginning of the year seemed like a perfect point to launch the blog. |
| This will be my mental rock band name...Of Indecipherable Jargon |
| Actively preparing for an appointment -- sometimes that can get you going very much in the moment, but other times you do everything while anticipating a certain outcome. I do not think that is living so much in the moment, but it is closer to what most people accept as living in the moment. Will be working a cold weather shelter dinner with my church family today. I think I will be examining how give and take acts as a pattern in life. An interview for a new position can be a study in that too. Today, I will remember not to focus on a particular outcome, but the benefits from showing up and living in the moment. |
| When your career environment begins feeling less like being part of a tribe, you hear people around you speaking in catchphrases, "corporate this and corporate that," and everyone's head is down; it's time to introduce collaboration at all levels, quick, before it all dries to dust. I find that's true at home too. It gets hard to feel like the family you were when the kids were little. As teens and adults, the kids either stop talking to you about most things (I think, things it would be fun to talk about) because they think they know all your opinions on topics. Well, really, the healthy part of that is they are seeking opinions outside of yours, and that's OK. (Their peers may not be as well informed, but that's part of learning [the good use of the word] -- discrimination. But then there's this tricky substitution trend in this same area. I know, I lived it, and I probably am still living it. You can seek out other opinions as an emerging adult, but it is easy to substitute "same for same," just the act of seeking it makes it feel like you're opening to something new, but if you tend to be shy and like safe, you end up with same. It is not as simplistic as the cultural warning that a woman "marries her father," but that sense is a part of it of what helps you to recognize it. Someone who's been lonely, but isn't really conscious of it, can easily glom onto one friend and put that friend above others, or even just stick to having that one friend. It progresses, if left at a pivotal point like when high school ends, even if fully capable of exploring the adult world, one may just continue with the attachment of one-to-one. Not where I thought this entry was going this morning. Having titled it "Give and Take" I was thinking more about things I have been giving away and seeing what has come into my possession in return. Also was waiting to figure what to wear to work today. Then this deeper stuff came out, and I do know why. There's so much more I can write about this, really just the tip of an enormous iceberg right now, and I really need to get back to the wheel and steer around this if I can. |
| On Tuesday, I woke up with a couple creative marketing ideas for the paper. I admit they came to me unexpectedly, although I knew my annual performance review was upcoming. That might have been a factor. I need to pay attention to the fact that they presented themselves in the midst of semi conscious worry about the due dates on some of my bills. I still recall that they came to me essentially as full formed ideas. Those kind always zip out and emerge nicely when the pen hits the paper. I can also appreciate that they followed my spurt of personal creativity that I was so pleased by. I am blessed and grateful that Tuesday morning also rolled on fairly quietly at my desk. These ideas were powerful and did not slip away into any mental clutter, instead insisting to be typed up and sent on their way. When Peter Jackson took on the Lord of the Rings with his co-producer and writing partner, Phillippa Boyens, they found a way to give the ring a type of character presence on screen, as they worked in motivations for it. A thing you wouldn't think of as having a will of it own, in this case did. The ring had a will to escape from Elrond's first attempt to have it destroyed in the fires of Mt. Doom by turning Isildur in favor of keeping it. Then it escapes Isildur through his death in the river, followed by its discovery in the waterways of the Shire by Smeagol's brother. Smeagol kills his brother post haste to have the ring, and ring corrupts him for ages, reducing Smeagol to the slave we know as Gollum. My point was going to be, they also had Gandalf surmise that the ring did not expect to be pilfered from Gollum by the unexpected arrival of Bilbo Baggins in Gollum's hidey-hole hundreds of years later. But, I think that was only a guess on Gandalf's part, not a fact. If the ring was going to be on its way, Bilbo suddenly was a good way out of Gollum's humdrum existence. The Ring wasn't going anywhere exciting, and this was its chance. So, in the same, but certainly, I hope, a less maniacal way, I expect these two ideas have gone on their way. |
| About four of the last 36 hours has been completely creative -- this is an amazing level of accomplishment for me. (I note that at least six hours was sleep, and having no recalled dreams, my rest period is not counted). In addition to making entry to the blog, I wrote 4 handwritten pages of entirely new material, plus I made revisions to two separate chapters in my one best candidate for publication. I noticed myself enjoying a level of ease in making revision; usually I agonize. Can't say currently what might have made yesterday so fruitful. Maybe I just had uninterrupted time, and I allowed the writing to fit in as breaks when poking around and cleaning was getting tiresome. I really felt transported in time, back when I was regularly at my home computer and my writing was just important to me. I note eight years back, because I picked up a notebook with entries from 2005 and glanced at some of my mindset and activeness connected to my writing practice. All last week at work was eerily quiet -- but perhaps that also lessened the usual level of stress. Also a week back, on the weekend, I had a couple opportunities to talk to my best friend on the phone. We've been separated by her move out of state, and I'm NOT very good about sending regular correspondence (she is, once she hears from me). Keeping my word to myself on regular advancement on the blog. Go Me! |
| This is the beginning of a forty day attempt to build a new habit. I will write daily (something) in this blog. I have read more than one article suggesting that forty days has a weight of significance. Trying to create a new habit, or break an old one? Carry out the new plan daily for at least 40 days. I'm going to believe that's true. I also notice that it has been forty days since I last wrote into this blog. By the end of this forty day trial, it will be nearly "the Ides of March." My high school English teacher will appreciate that I remember that tidbit from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar. It would be interesting to see what else I can notice comes and goes in a forty day cycle. I already have a coincidental relationship with that amount of time. My daughter was born about 6 weeks before Christmas, and my son's birthday follows six weeks after the holiday. Perhaps it goes back further, as I was born premature, and may have only spent about 200 days gestating (5 times 40). Silly, I know I play with numbers in illogical, not really wanting to prove anything, wanderings. Love music, probably will never compose it, but enjoy playing with it in a cerebral, deconstructionist way. I can play something if I want, by ear. I like mimicry, and I do not mind vocal practice. But I still have a resistance to learning to play within a format that is systematic and ultimately relies on muscle memory (i.e., where musical instruments are concerned, this to me is Practice, with a capital P). I wonder if anyone else has this type of mind, and that problem? So, maybe I have the same aversion to typing into my blog daily? I'm not sure I believe that. Although, I haven't written into a hand-written journal, like I used to, either. My keyboard could use a good cleaning right away, however. I do know I'm tired of its stiff 'n' stuckness. I will also begin nudging more snatches of daily writing out of myself to actually finish up big projects. And prayer, that needs to burn again every morning too. Even if it's for my one dog that seems to be suffering with bouts of arthritis in the morning. I do not know what dogs "think," but before he has that daily medicine, he looks at me like he's thinking he's going to die. Both my husband and I were giving him plenty of comfort this morning. So, that's it. This morning's fit is over, both for dog and writer. |
| Receive Writing daily to express and to practice Activity to fuel teaching Receiving affection and connecting Travel Speaking with emotion to convey my message with true conviction Supplying others from profit Heal Conscious dedication to minimize my own family's ecological impact Also enjoy more by eliminating fear, and knowing all tasks are manageable -- The way in which these things unfold in my present is not my job. I do not have to write the recipe. Prep, cooking and clean up...that might be mine to do. |
| I have not written a family letter to send with end-of-the-year cards probably for decades, now. Not that it was a huge tradition for me. I may have only done it once. I have cousins that do it, and my mom has been dedicated to it for at least as long as I have been hesitant. Once, my Grandmother noticed I was not the typical mom, where were the pictures of my kids? I had portraits -- not necessarily "family" and not always annually -- but I guess I did not carry them on me to her expectation. When school pictures started, of course that became a nudge annually to send; the intent being at Christmas, but often it became New Years' or Valentine gifts. She wasn't directly counseling me to carry a brag book, but I felt it was clear she was noting I was outside the norm of society. I am wondering today if I have struggled financially just trying to live up to expectation. It is two days from the Christmas holiday here in the United States. I live a short drive from the Grove, a shopping mall adjacent to the classic Farmers Market at 3rd and Fairfax. And I would love to drive my two children and my husband there, and say, "go pick something out as my Christmas gift to you." In my ideal heart, it would be for the experience of seeing the glee on their faces, (or puzzled consternation), to enjoy the shopping experience, and to take in the abundance of colorful decorations and lights. Let's face it, to buy an expensive, store-bought gift on command (and blissfully imagining no parking hassle) -- that experience would be for me. But is that what Christmas has become for me? Is this why my inability to supply this fantasy has me wondering what's going on? I feel like joining others saying this has been a less than ideal year. I have not convinced myself yet whether I have or have not made the best financial decisions. I have been capable of making decisions. I have made it through the year with a job. In spirit, I've kept up. But the boogey man is creeping in. A repeating theme has been my needing to make the financial picture more transparent than I ever have with my kids and my spouse. Sometimes, it has been like beating them over the head with it; especially when convenience-store snack decisions are too often (daily). And I don't like being that monitor. For a few days, I have thought I could talk to my teenage kids about how we must happily give of what we have. It reminds me of a book from when I was a child, The Great Me and the Little Me. In it, the author attempts to teach a spiritual principle. It has to do with recognizing ego and choosing to be mindful and active to keep that little me distant. If feeling it overwhelming one's actions, to literally blow one's breath outward like in blowing out a candle. And to know we cannot keep our good from us -- same as we cannot keep air from rushing back to our lungs. It further teaches young ones to recognize a God-presence, which is the Great Me, and which a child, especially, is capable of bringing forward in situations. And the importance of Christmas for everyone can look like this same model -- the little "c" christmas holiday being the anxious thing we make it. The Christmas with the capital "C" which stands for the Christ consciousness being with us in the world -- that is when we experience the holiday as the Great Me. Perhaps it should be as easy as breathing. May my Christmas and your Christmas be free-breathing. Best line from Tin Man (2007) "You know you really should do something about that BITTER cynicism of yours Cain." |
| This will be the second year that I find it easy to ignore decorating for Christmas. My mom has cut back, but even not expecting Christmas visitors, there are touches. And part of that, I believe, relates to the nice mantle to showcase at her home. Our rental for the last two years barely has room for our existing belongings. A few spaces are still acting as secondary storage for a non-occupant family member. We have lived with it because it's just part of the arrangement, besides much of our stuff is still held under his care as well. Someday we will host a prisoner exchange. Now, I do think it is healthy that I have gotten into the spirit at work. I want to be clear, I have not turned into Scrooge. I actually feel inhibited from being the primary merry-bringer. I also am not clear on how to proceed if no one else is objecting. But it does just feel kinda cold and average in our living spaces without a holiday focus. |
| The more I watch One Direction official videos, I realize Little Things is the first one with them shown working. All the other popular ones are outdoor locations. Maybe that is a good message for the females of the world -- you can find packs of boys this good-looking, well-groomed, out in the wild! I had to document that thought as soon as I had it -- comedy gold in someone's handling. I also had a more serious and deeply felt thought this morning; the pain of perspective. When people react badly, but it is difficult as an observer to perceive why, perhaps all we need to do is ask what is affecting someone's perspective. My husband was doing a typical, and totally fine morning ritual -- he wanted to show me a "funny." Some joke or LOL photo. Problem is, the first was vaguely funny and i don't even remember it now. The second, was a "we're expecting" but I got very frustrated, because it was out of context, or otherhow difficult to mentally translate. Like I couldn't even tell what I was looking at. I had my glasses on. My mood dipped strongly at this point. I realized I could not see / process a photo that he was instantly recognizing and getting a chuckle out of its cleverness. Well, I wasn't having that experience. And that is the idea I began thinking about, as I left the house more surly than I needed to be. When the communication is not happening because your audience is "not having that expected experience. My daughter had just brought up a similar concern just over a week earlier. Se wanted to know what I think about or feel when looking out at something (in this case I was driving the car, with her as my passenger). And I replied, "Partly because I am driving, I think my experience is very different from what you might pay attention to, if that is what you are asking about. I am keeping my attention around me focused on the other vehicles near us, and the traffic signals, and anything else that might be changing the situation around the moving vehicles. But, at the same time I can appreciate the mountains ahead because it is clear and sunny out, so, I am having a good feeling about that. And what do you see?" "Trees." "And so, for me, also seeing the trees, I might be having a different experience from you (or just more to think about or recall) because as I look at the trees, I am also remarking in my head what type of tree it is. That connects to how many plant and flower names I know because my grandmother would remark about them and tell me the varieties." And then my daughter said, "I don't have anything to feel, or I don't think like that. I really don't think the same as other people, do I?" And now I see how distressing that could be to not have people think like you do, and to be aware that may be the case. What a hurdle! Which brings me full-circle on how I was feeling and how it completely changed my morning, just because I felt incapable of getting the joke at the same speed as someone else. |
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