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This is my first blog entry. I decided to try entering my thoughts on an online journal. I guess my first entry should be on how I reached this decision. I saw in the latest (well a couple of weeks ago) contests letter a piece about blogging. I checked out the blogs portion of the site and I was impressed. So many people sharing the intimate details of their lifes. I want to do my part. This may not be the best blog entry, I know. But, I want to learn how to express myself better. I also want more people to get to know me on the site. Today I plan on watching college football and reading during the commercials with the mute button on :). I may check some more of my e-mails and read some more online stories and try and comment on them. I try reviewing everything i read. I admit sometimes I read something and dont review it. Other times I am afraid I write a pretty crappy review. But noone has commented so far. Well I will go for now. |
| It is election day and I have a confession to make. I did not vote. Yes, I know I will receive the wrath of many good American men and women who argue that I am trampling on a right that men and women died to give me. I respectively disagree. I think our right to vote even includes the right not to vote. Thus, I exercised that right. I didn't vote because I couldn't think of a single candidate who I felt was the right man for the job. In my mind, that is a sad commentary on our political system. I voted for the "lessor of two evils" last election. I just feel that I cannot, in conscience, do so again. |
| This won't be a long one. Just a simple question. Why do some people try and tear down others who are succeeding where they are not instead of improving their own performance? |
| I was deeply hurt a couple of days ago. I emailed a girl who I thought liked me and said I wanted to take our relationship one step at a time. She replied asking what relationship was I talking about. She said we were co-workers and she had a boyfriend who was her world. I said that I didn't care about boyfriend/girlfriend. I just wanted to be her friend. She emailed me back and said she didn't like me at all. Her behavior at work tells a different story. Whenever I go to see her,she acts like she does like me with smiles, nervousness, flushes, all the symptoms a girl gives when she likes someone. Could I have misread those signs? Could those have been signs of someone who would prefer if I just leave her alone and doesn't know how to tell me that? What hurts more then my friend telling me she wanted nothing to do with me is the fact that I can't find a young woman who does want something to do with me. I know that this story wasn't very illuminating and was very brief. This is part of the struggle I am facing to express myself in my writing. |
| I realize I have been gone from this blog for 3 + years. I had a long, dry spell when it came to expressing myself in writing on here. I haven't been able to review, write blogs or anything else. I don't know if I have fully recovered. But, I am back ready to try some more. |
| My pastor brought a message about digging ditches and how that prepares you for entering into the will of God. He used a passage from the Old Testament, I can't remember which one, where an Israelite King was told to dig ditches to prepare for water which wouldn't come from the sky or the wind. The king was being obedient to God so he dug his ditches. My pastor said that we should just focus on seeking God's face and doing what is in front of us to do. We should be undistracted and ready for God to move. We need to approach God with clean hands and a pure heart in obedience to His Spirit. That is where I long to be. I long to dig my ditch and wait for God's Spirit to feel it with water. I know I simplified my pastor's message more then it was warranted. But I felt the need to write this down. |
| Not much different going on then usual. My relationship with my friend, who is a girl, in the mailroom is progressing as I am pretty sure it would. I don't want to call her my girl friend because I am not comfortable with the idea of boyfriend/girlfriend. We are becoming more comfortable just talking together and spending time together. I found out where she lived this week and she found out where I lived. I could visit her tomorrow since I know what her car looks like.... But I don't want to. Why? I guess because I don't want to drop in on her uninvited... though I am sure she would love to see me. It is just that I understand that our relationship is a process... something that takes time to grow and to develop. I think we will be both best served to embrace the process. Well enough of that. I plan to work on my writing today, to read some stories and review them, to go over my work and edit some more. To try and find some way to continue to awaken the writing monster inside of me... to continue to bring forth the talent within. |
| I realize I haven't written an entry in a while. I apologize to my devoted readers, if any, but I have been busy thinking about stuff. Also, to be honest, I have been busy engaging in useless arguments in my local paper's forum. I realize that all I do is argue with people who refuse to change their minds or see another's viewpoint. I am equally as stubborn though I try to at least look at what people are trying to say. Either way it is like two heads beating together. Simply put, I have more important things to do with my time. Now I am consumed thinking about this girl I met at work. She told me that while I was her friend, she didn't like me (that doesn't make much sense in itself) and that she had a g uy. However, this message is completely contradictory to her body language. I may be naive when it comes to women but I can tell when a girl is giving me the eye. She always makes an effort to talk to me whenever we pass by. She always gives me a smile, not a friendly smile but the other kind. I don't know what is up with this girl. Did she lie to me about her guy? Or is she lying to me now? Or does she not know what she wants? Or did she think she had a guy and now realizes that she wants me to be her guy? I don't know. I care for this girl but I don't want to just be her guy. I am in the relationship business for one thing and one thing only, marriage. I want to find someone to marry, to spend the rest of my life with. Does this girl have the same goal? Strangely enough, I think she does. I think she has chosen me. I read that in her body language, the way she interacts with me. More than that, my heart feels that way. Is it deluded by my desire? Perhaps. The only way I know to find out is to just spend time with her, to interact with her as much as possible. More importantly then all these things is the will of the Lord. If this girl is the woman He has for me, I have to trust that He will work it out in His time. Well that is enough for now. There are more things I want to get into. One subject that is near to my heart is bible prophecy. I want to discuss the various interpertations and my viewpoint on them. But that is a subject for a different day. Thanks for reading. Please comment if you see the need. God Bless. |
| I listened to about 10 minutes of an interesting series yesterday. This series is about a biblical rule on romance. This pastor was referring to the incident when God took a rib from Adam and made it to a woman. The pastor was saying that Adam had the woman inside him till that time. An interesting hypothesis. Adam named all the animals but was discontent as if he were missing something. So he somehow knew that what he had wasn't enough. The pastor alluded to today's man search for a woman by suggesting that we have our wife inside us, in our heart and spirit. So we don't need to activily look for a woman as much as seek our relationship with God and let Him bring the proper woman into our lives. I believe that has happened with me with the girl I met at work (the one I wrote about two weeks ago). I think the difference between her and the others is simply that with the others I HOPED that they would be the right one, with this one I KNOW. And I wasn't looking for her, she was presented to me. The pastor spoke about how God presented Eve to Adam. If I am right, then this relationship will progress naturally. |
| I went to the dentist today to get my last remaining wisdom teeth removed. I had to get my first teeth done last year. That was an emergency procedure because my bottom right one blew up and they had to remove it before the infection spread. That time they had to put me to sleep. This time was different because I chose to have my two remaining teeth removed. I figured it is better to be safe than sorry, to get them removed before something happened to them. Considering my mouth was starting to get sore and my gums were starting to bleed, I think this was a wise decision. I arrived on time and had to wait about 10 minutes until I was called. I amused myself by reading a couple of recent Sports Illustrated magazines. When they called me they sat me in a chair and left me waiting for a few more minutes. Then the surgeon came in and injected my gums with some sort of numbing solution. The injections themselves hurt. The last one in particular was painful. He said that would be the last pain I experienced. He was right. After he injected me, he told me to shut my mouth and lie there for several minutes. Then he left. As I lay there my mouth and tongue went numb. I found myself drifting off as well. I remember hearing sounds throughout the building. I remember hearing a nurse telling a young woman who was before me time and time again to wake up. She must have told that young woman to wake up at least 10 times. I heard the nurse and the girl's parents discussing that she would need to be rolled out to her car in a wheel chair. Anyway, the doctor came in again and with a nurse he got started. I was afraid that there still would be pain. There wasn't. He poked, prodded and pulled in my mouth for several minutes. Then the nurse told me it was all done. I was shocked. Now I sit here writing this with my mouth full of blood, biting on a gauze to try and control the bleeding. They say I can eat soup and that I should eat something. Except how am I going to eat anything with my mouth full of blood? They also gave me pills for the pain and right now my mouth doesn't hurt that much. So far the biggest irritation except for the blood in my mouth was waiting for the pharmacist to get my insurance information. We shall see how it pans out. |
| I have a lot to say here so this will take some time I am once again frustrated by my inability to write during the week. I keep promising myself that I will write as much as I can after work but I never do. The same old questions come to my mind: What is wrong with me? Am I truly serious about being a writer? Am I being lazy? Is my work schedule too great, too difficult to overcome? There are more but those are the main ones. I think I do know the answer, btw... but more on that later. Something both awesome and troublesome happened to me this week at work. I met this girl. Or I didn't meet her as much as I interacted with her. She actually interacted with me. She opened up to me and told me a little something about herself. She smiles at me every time she sees me. Yeah, I know there are friendly women at work who smile at me. But this is different. It is in the way she smiles and the way her eyes look. Anyway I think this girl likes me, in the girl likes a boy way, in the pseudo-romantic way. I have to admit I like her too. She is cute, sweet, quite attractive. I have known her for a short time but there are good qualities in her. But my problem is that I do not know what to do. I have had nothing but disastrous relationships whenever I liked a woman up to a harrassment suit which had some merit but was also totally blown out of proportion. So, I am obviouisly reluctant on how to proceed with this girl. Another reason for my reluctance is that I am interested in marriage not just a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. No, I am not interested in proposing to this girl but marriage is the ultimate end goal of any romantic relationship I start up. So how do I proceed? I haven't the slightest idea... but as I say that I realize I do have an idea. More to that later. Another dillemma, obviously a much lesser one then romance and writing, is that I (as I discussed earler on another blog) get way too much caught up in forum discussions. My heart is one of peace making and moderation but I do not act like that on the forums. I think it is because obvious enemies of peace rail me up, people who only want peace if THEIR way or THEIR party prevails. And so I lash out at them. My dillemma is I need to speak more in patience, peace and love and I do not know how to do that. The answer to all these dillemmas is really simple. Tough but simple. The answer is I do not know the answer to any of them. Not in my own strength. The truth of the matter is that I am a work in progress. I am God's work. He alone knows the paths I should follow down the trials. He alone can give me the strength I need to go on and do what is right. People have told me that "Christ is a crutch for all those who can't face reality" Well personally I think that anyone who is sane recognizes that life is TOUGH. Writing is TOUGH. Relationships are TOUGH. Politics is TOUGH. These things are NOT for the weak of heart. These things are NOT easily understood or accomplished. We all NEED the help of someone greater than ourselves ultimately we all NEED the help of God. But we also need the touch and love of friends and family. NONE of us can get through life on our own. I am done. Yes I have rambled. I hope people can get through my ramblings and read what I am saying. I will try to keep up on my progress in these situations God Bless :) |
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