This is an interesting political text. Your thoughts and emotions are portrayed very clearly. Just a tip - maybe split the paragraphs a little, and write more formally? The rush of emotion is great, but perhaps a little more formality and conciseness would help.
Wow, this is amazing! I think it's great that there's a slight bump towards the end just to make the story more exciting, rather than just saying that everything went to plan. I like the description, jokes and detail. It's great!
Wow, this is a great extract! I really like the description and thoughts of the character.
Just some tips: maybe describe the Sea-Dweller a little more? For example, if Jack has never met him before, he might not realize he was a ghost immediately without obvious signs. You could describe his appearance a little more.
However, the siren was very interesting and dramatic. Also, how does the start of the story link with the middle? Did this happen prior to the middle section? Perhaps you could mention it here and there in Jack's thoughts, otherwise it won't serve a lot of purpose.
This is great! The five chapters are practically flawless - I can really feel the description and emotional turmoil of the characters. There's a typo towards the end - 'He hacked a Bill' right at the end of chapter five, but that's just a minor detail.
Can't wait for the other chapters! This is fantastic!
Wow, this is a great piece of writing! Very nice and descriptive :)
Just a tip - maybe use the show not tell rule a bit more? Sometimes you tend to say things like 'Geetisha and Shirdi left the stage'. That's absolutely fine, but perhaps sometimes you can mix it up with more showing, so the reader experiences even the smaller movements. E.g. 'Their footsteps echoing in the deafening silence, the two hurried off the stage', with a bit more description and stronger vocabulary.
Still, it's a great extract and very interesting to read! Keep writing! :)
Wow, this is a really nice piece of writing! It highlights how in modern day, people are much more reluctant to pick up a pen and write on paper than simply typing on a computer. The descriptions are great!
Wow, this is a really nice extract! I love how you describe it as a phoenix and using Pandora's box as description. The ending matches back up with the title too. Well done! Great writing! :)
Wow, this is such a great story! I love this so much! It's very descriptive and generally flawless. I really don't see anything wrong with it at all :)))
Great job and keep going!
This is very nice! I like the emotion of this writing. Just a question - today's prompt was someone thinking that they have no creativity but discovering that they actually do. I don't quite see how that fits into this extract?
Wow, this is really good! Simple rhyme scheme with a nice pattern to the stanzas. I love the detail and careful description with the similes and metaphors! The title is great as well!
Well done :))
Wow, this is amazing! It's very long, but the description is flawless! Simple rhyming scheme, and I love the emotion in the text! Nice ending too! Great work and keep writing - this is fantastic! Can't wait for your next post :)
Wow, this is some really nice writing! I don't see anything wrong with this at all - amazing! Nice description and use of emotions in the characters. I love it!
Oh wow, I love this! Personally, I feel like this should be a real song! The chorus is so emotional and the verses in between are just as sad. This is a beautiful piece of writing! Well done!
Keep writing! :))
Amber xx
P.S. Some gift points to get you started! (I'm a newbie too so I can't spare that much but your writing is amazing and it deserves a lot!)
Wow, love this short emotional extract! It's really sad and I love the feeling it brings out. I don't know anyone with dementia, but I have researched it for a character in the novel I'm writing. Memory loss really is the worst disease to exist...
Keep writing! I love your work!
Amber :))
P.S. I would give you more gift points but I'm a newbie so I barely have any lol sry bout that
Wow, nice writing! I'm in secondary school, but I already understand a lot of the emotions and feelings poured into these three chapters. As someone who never liked to fit in with the popular gang, I can really sympathize.
Nice opinions! I'm in secondary school, but I already understand the feelings of these chapters. The care and emotion in these words struck me hard. Good job and keep writing! :)))
I think this is a very nice extract! Lots of suspense towards the end and humour at the start.
Just some friendly tips:
1) At the start, try and slip in the physical descriptions about the characters rather than just saying 'short brown hair and a black shirt'. It helps to vary the sentences, e.g. when Delta is having his hair dyed then you could mention that his hair is dark there, in different places through the extract instead of all of it in one place.
2) You tend to say things like 'I was shocked', which is fine, but maybe use the show not tell rule a bit more? E.g. I gasped and clapped my hand to my mouth in delight. It helps the reader to visualize the scene better.
Final thing, when you said 'After dinner, Delta goes to bed and starts to have a nightmare. He is surrounded by dark shadows and people in chains on the ground. He sees a man with pitch-black armor with scarlet red lines and black eyes, and he looks 10 feet tall.'
Again, you could expand Delta's thoughts by saying 'After dinner, Delta tromped up to his bedroom and sprawled onto his bed. His eyes drifted close and his thoughts were instantly seized by the clutching hands of an incoming nightmare.'
Overall, it was a very interesting extract, and I hope to read the rest of it when you've finished it!
Oh wow, this is so sad! I love the emotion and desperation for the family to understand the decision made by the donor. The letter is flawless - it perfectly captures the overwhelming gratitude and desire for the receiver to listen.
Jeez, this had me on the edge of my seat! Great short extract - I really felt the suspense and terror the characters experienced! Gave me the chills in the middle section, and the ending was perfect!
Wow, that's a really nice poem! I like the simple rhyming scheme and lots of emotion poured into this! I love the dramatic and humourous tone that it has. Good job!!! Keep writing
Nice short story! I like the humour and the laughter in this extract! Just an idea - maybe make the sentences slightly longer? In the second half a lot of your sentences are split into less than 5 words. Short sentences are good, but maybe just vary them a little towards the end.
Wowowowowwow, I can really see the sheer time and dedication put into this piece of writing! I absolutely love the wording and the emotion that gush out from it. Absolutely flawless!
Beautiful!
Ooh, I like this poem a lot! The language and emotion is very powerful - great work!
Just a tip - did you misspell of course into ofcorse? Just a question - if it was intentional that's fine. Just a minor detail!
Wow, love this short poem! Simple rhyme scheme and sweet words. You projected a lot of emotion and love into this poem - well done!
Welcome to WDC and keep writing! Your work is beautiful!
Wow, great poem! I found this in Read a Newbie - it's great! Love the use of highlighting, it really makes the title stand out.
Welcome to WDC and keep writing!!! Your work is beautiful!
Amber xx
P.S. Some gift points to get you started! (I'm a newbie too so I can't spare that much but you deserve some!)
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