My wife would not appreciate your demeaning her "Barry". However, I so, "Go for it. He's fair game."
I was not expecting your conclusion at all and did get a good chuckle from it. It was a nice twist which is a good thing as it keep the reader guessing and thus prompts further reading. Well done.
Another positive is that your rhyme scheme is consistent throughout.
There are two points that for me need revision.
First, is that tired joke about "Fire at Will." Cute, but totally unnecessary and irrelevant to your poem.
Second, is Sgt. Shaw. It was good to include this bit of intrigue and horror into your poetry. After all, it is about a military battle and lends truism to your work.
However, the first reaction from a soldier is one of inspiration at seeing this soldier alive, all thought was dead.
Next, the Colonel refers to him as revolting. For the life of me I can't figure out why he would say this.
Then Shaws' very reality is called into question, without any explanation or further development.
Shaw is a welcome addition to your poem and adds a good balance to the humor of Barry Manilow's character.
I guess I was wrong about my wife. She broke out laughing when I read her the last few verses.
This is a very well put together short story. Even the title is enticing.
The story has a good flow to it. There is a recurring problem affecting Anne, details of her thought process to overcome it, yet it is all to no avail. I appreciated that bit of honesty. It made the story all that much more alluring. It was also nice that there was a bit of drama about who catches the first fish. Better still, no animosity toward Louise. This is an honest story with honest people. Even Grandma was a nice touch.
Though the fishing was not what was hoped for the conclusion about being there with God, sharing a laugh with God was priceless.
I found it very refreshing that you would write of these moments with God; moments that most folks would miss since they only seek God in troubling circumstances.
This may be good tech writing but it wouldn't make it from a marketing POV. Everything in marketing has to uber-simple. So the marketing dept would take all your fine work and condense it to:
1. Get out peanut butter, jelly, bread and utensils. (There would probably also be a trademarked name of the pb/jelly or both depending on who's paying them.)
2. Spread peanut butter and jelly on individual slices of bread.
3. Consume
btw, loved reading this. Frozen! I've never heard of that before. I'll stick to the real thing.
They do get on their high horse don't they?
Unfortunately, they're not alone, bureaucracy wise.
You really put your cards on the table for this; good for you.
From a writing standpoint this is paramount.
We all know where you stand.
It's not one isolated instance either; you detail quite a few scenarios that are worthy of your title.
I appreciate that because it isn't just one person's sour experience.
Things don't change if everyone keeps silent about this sort of abuse.
Thank you.
I did find it a bit troubling to read though. It looks like prose so I began to read it as such.
It was only after a few lines that I noticed the poetry. It is good poetry too.
There are some fine lines too: " a fine line between nurture and neglect" and "the child with no mummy forgets how to smile".
These lines added a lot.
Very powerful poem.
You said a lot in a short space and your heart was truly in it.
At first, I questioned the title, but you did a marvelous job of making the transformation with the line "no longer a worthless angel".
Even tho all but one verse begins with the pronoun "I", the soldiers humility seems a consistent theme.
The last three verses really drive this point home: "for ALL the soldiers", "what WE'VE given and done", "OUR sacrifice".
Thank you so much for writing this. I truly appreciate it.
In my opinion this should be read annually for public Memorial Day ceremonies in the future.
I'm sitting here with tears welling up in my eyes;
not only for the loss of your sister,
but they are also tears of joy due to your skillful writing.
I feel I can sense the tornado of emotions swirling in your life today.
You are eminently fair too, as you detail your own misgivings over your not reaching out.
Even the title stands out.
I am unsure how I feel about this poem structurally though.
On one hand, I see the sole stanza as echoing the thousands of rambling thoughts racing in your mind as you endeavor to go thru this alone.
On the other hand, I can see some clear breaks in subject matter as your opus progresses.
I must admit that did cause me to go back and reread to clarify and understand.
Perhaps punctuation might help separate these, without disrupting the flow.
I was very taken with your poem and your need to write and post it.
Been there. Done that.
If I didn't know better I'd say my wife wrote this about me.
Two lines especially hit home with me:
"Awaken with a glazed glimpse and realization it is still night."
"Each rise followed by a begging plea of quiescence."
This is very eloquent.
For me, these nights are frazzled and angry.
Your thoughts are quite clear and resonant.
Anyone reading this will grasp your struggles.
I also appreciate how you take a peek into the future, hopeful for an uneventful day.
This is short, sweet and to the point.
I found it quite effective.
To even a casual believer this makes one stop and see the glories that surround us.
It also speaks of adversities that confront us, but because of god and love those adversities have no enduring substance.
I originally felt that you have mentioned all 5 senses, but then realized, NO, you did it better.
God doesn't require your prayers to be literary gems.
This is a very sincere, heartfelt poem and a better prayer.
I like this; it has a nice flow and progression.
You start lost, explain why, then explained your desire for change and maturely questioned where that change will come from.
Then you were found, explained how you were found, then tearfully affirmed it as the right answer.
Very nice.
A couple of editorial notes:
The line, "How will I get found!": This should have a ? not a !.
It's a good thing you were found (!)
Secondly, the line, "I turn to Jesus", I feel should be "turned", past tense.
A- the bulk of the rest of the poem is written in the past tense.
B- You state you "turn to Jesus", then 2 lines later still claim to be lost; "For I am lost."
This way there is a better flow; (to paraphrase) I was lost, I TURNED to Jesus, God heard my prayers, "I was found".
Oh yeah, putting the reference to Amazing Grace really made a forceful statement. Nice!
In the long run, this turns out to be a powerful poem.
For me, it starts weakly, but by the end there is no doubt in any readers mind where you stand.
That is a good thing, both as a commentary on the poem and on your spiritual life.
In the first line, is the word "all" correct? If so, it sounds kind of colloquial and seems out of place with your writing style.
Did you mean "are"? If so, I agree; we are God's tool!
Secondly, (concerning lines 2-4) while I agree that God does change us, I believe we are all God's children regardless; God needn't change us to be his children. He can and does change us so we are better able to "teach others about him".
From that point on, this is fine! You inform us how you feel about God, and how and why you do so.
I love that you thank God not only for what He's done for you, but not done for you. Too many people only think in the negative about what they don't have (and many blame God for that too). You turn that into an affirmative, positive statement. Good for you.
I can see you spent quite a bit of time on this. This is a well constructed poem. It surely causes one to think about how we can negatively effect the lives of our youth.
I think your theme is great. You keep it consistent thru your work too.
Your first verse really drew my attention. What a great metaphor you created of a lifeguard keeping teens from "drowning in their insecurities". That is stellar!
I also see an interesting parallel here between the external pressures of society and advertising to the internal pressures of trying to meet those expectations.
I must admit to being confused about one stanza: "Don't you mean they'll commit suicide one day?"
It seems to follow the previous stanza well, but the answer to the question must always be NO, in my opinion. No one in society wants, or anticipates any teens suicide.
Thank you for tackling such a thought wrenching topic.
I like the point you're trying to make. If I am correct, many people claim to be atheist but deep down when they think about life, they do have beliefs in a higher power. And your boy seems to fit that category quite well as he acknowledges the "gifts of angels", etc.
I must admit that I am confused about certain aspects. You mention a teddy bear and a bed of sticks. They are never mentioned again and I wonder why it was mentioned at all (unless it was to describe the boys simple life). You never explain how or why the boy and girl meet. Does he go up the mountain, does she come down? Why would they have a bible study?
By the way it's Satan, not Satin.
I like your concept, I like your description of the boys appearance. I love your conclusion.
I just think you need some depth so the reader can understand why this boy makes such a mature decision. Opting to follow Jesus can be a highly emotional choice. A boy with a teddy bear doesn't convey that image.
This is an important poem. I say so because it's from your heart and it's honest.
It is also well written. You state a problem and come up with a valid solution. It also has personal dilemmas which many others can relate too. Many also have come up with similar solutions, so again, many who read this will be nodding their heads in agreement.
By the way, you made the right choice.
Since your past and present are so filled with deeply emotional experiences, I personally would like to see more of that come out in your writing, especially theologically. While there is nothing wrong with anything you write, they have all become standard Christian platitudes. Don't just tell me Jesus set you free, tell me how or how good you feel about it. It isn't only that Jesus rose from the dead, but it sounds like your life was resurrected too and it has changed for the better because of Jesus. Let your readers know how. That is a lot more interesting to read about than quoting the writing in some tract.
Your life isn't standard. Why should your writing be? Keep it up.
You came up with an idea and stuck to it. Your theme is consistent throughout this article. That is a big plus for me.
Another positive for me is that you wrote on a subject that has great meaning to you. You wrote this with passion, from your soul and it shows.
You also made several key points and backed up each one. Not only that but you endeavored to be fair and showed the impacts of tardiness, not just the benefits of timeliness. This gives your piece balance and authority.
While reading this I remembered growing up; my mother was one of those "fashionably late" folks and her in-laws were "on time or earlier" folks. Things were usually quite chilly when they got together. Fortunately, I take after my dads side on this.
As much as I enjoyed reading this, I must add(with a friendly smile) "Chill out, girl" As I age, I've come to the realization that being on time sometimes isn't worth the frayed nerves and added stress that often accompanies ones need for promptness. There are many Caribbeans whose lifestyle is more shall we say "laid back". Sometimes I think they have a good idea; it's just not worth the added stress to rush everywhere to be on time. There's also an old axiom, "Take time to smell the roses", or something like that.
Otherwise, I'm with you100%. Keep up the good work.
I'm intrigued. This is off to a good start. An introduction should tell the reader about the literary journey that one is about to embark on.
Both of your paragraphs do that.
I preferred the opening paragraph. This is a clever intro. Though you note that "you kids" are your main thrust, all ages are included. Plus, not seeing ones own wings is not only a dilemma of youth. Countless people of all generations throughout history have failed to see(for one reason or another) that they have no wings; "taught to look in such a way as you miss them" is a wonderful line. It is an alluring line that entices one to want to read further. You then add that this is your second point. Wow! What is the first point going to be?
That's where you started to wander. Though the second paragraph is valid, knowledgable and accurate for me it doesn't belong at this point in the text. I feel this for two reasons. One, you state in caps that "much more is to come". Fine, I look forward to it. That tells me there is plenty of time for digressions. Two, you neglect to inform the reader what the main topic is or will be. Mentioning the second first is no problem; it's a good bait. But to then spend as much time on your digression as your theme is for me troubling. Notice that the digression is as long as you body. Will I know what the number one point is and if so, when? Will these digressions add substance and validity to the point of discussion? The second paragraph is important but in my equally non-professional opinion, there ought to be some meat to support the opening paragraph before you digress.
I checked your portfolio. If this is your topic for your second public piece you are off to a good start. You caused me to think and I'm sure many others will follow. Keep it up!
Wow! You certainly are good at provoking deep thoughts and quickly too. Direct and to the point. I like, I like.
Your point is right on with the scripture you quote too. So many can cite chapter and verse but alter its' meaning to fit their purpose.
You are also on the right path when referring to what seems to be many persons objectives; to pray long and loud so everyone can perceive what a wonderful prayer one is.
However, your next thought starts to wander from the path, in my opinion. Public prayer can be a chore, especially if done spontaneously. One feels the need to sound lofty and inclusive, trying not to forget anyone or any cause. I have been called upon to lead worship on many occasions where the pastor is suddenly ill or called away and I must admit it does cause butterflies to lead in prayer, though experience has largely alleviated that. Matter of fact, last year I led a 5 week class in prayer for our district churches. There are scores of books on the subject too.
Nor is this strictly a Christian issue. To some extent the Muslim practice of prayer 5 times daily is similar(well, when done publicly anyway). There is a local business that has a sign on its' door that they are closed two hours daily for prayers.
One more thing. You make no mention of the gazillion prayers said privately by billions of people worldwide daily; persons who do "go into their room, shut the door and pray to their Father...", and who expect no reward.
I could give more anecdotal affirmation but you requested to enlightened, not bored to tears. I hope this is the former.
This is a very clever story. It It makes good points about the ignorance of revenge and looking at ones own self before condemning anyone else. That to me is the more important aspect to me as I so often get upset over some circumstance before I see that I am as much to blame as the other party(if not more so).
Your set up was direct and really didn't include any unnecessary information, which is important in a short piece. Plus, your tale had intrigue and a surprise ending.
I truly appreciated reading this. As a flash fiction entry, you should be very proud of this.
For starters, to answer your title, I'd say "Yes", you are a believer. Having doubts and asking questions should not be a hindrance. Come to think of it, if you didn't believe what is it you are questioning?
You acknowledge the simple act of "breathing the morning air", and "the breathtaking wonders" of nature. Besides, breath is spiritual, as it is an unseen, necessary aspect of life. So when you question hope and faith as "just air" I think you are actually reinforcing the link you created.
All your thoughts and questions are valid and timeless too. You are not alone. Even theological professionals ask such questions. If we didn't ask them how would advance our culture and our knowledge.
There is one line that I don't comprehend: "that lies beneath the cracks of our illusions". It seems an odd metaphor to me.
I also think more punctuation would benefit your poem. I see 5 questions but not one question mark. This is most notable in the third stanza. You ask two questions(What proof... and Where did... Both are great questions but are two very different topics, yet you have them as one thought with only a comma.
Keep on questioning, keep on thinking, keep on delving into your inner self.
One more thing; keep on believing - in yourself and your writing.
I like the approach you took here. It is direct, but not confrontational; it expresses your views without it coming off as preaching. You write in a open manner; relating your experiences, hardships, ups and downs. These attributes should put the reader at ease.
I also appreciate that your tone is not superior sounding in any way. Far too often in religious matters the proponent suggests this decision to turn to God is a slam dunk and life is rosy after it. Your honesty concerning your own circumstances is refreshing.
My favorite line is, "You deserve the love and respect that coincides with that."
My least favorite line is, "I'm here to tell you about the only true way to overcome them." This attitude has a habit of negating any positive effects of the message. No one likes being told there is only one way of achieving spiritual peace. "My way or the highway" doesn't attract believers. As a matter of fact two of your lines seem to affirm this. "Each and everyone of you are each God's personal individual miracles, " and "You need not try to gain acceptance from anyone who doesn't believe in that profound truth ". Both of these statements are quite true. They proclaim our individuality and right to our own paths.
While you and I have found that Jesus Christ is the best way to secure God's love, we need to acknowledge that others can still love God differently. In our world, we still need many more people to turn to God to make this world a better place.
You tell us this your first shot at poetry. I say keep shooting because you're off to a good start.
I see you are also new to wdc. I read your portfolio which doesn't give any indication of other writings you may have done.
May I suggest you subscribe to some of the various newsletters wdc has to offer. You should find inspirations and hints there from folks like us.
I appreciate the symmetry (mountains, valleys; day, night; ageless, young; etc) in each stanza. That indicates to me that you have put good effort into your opus and bodes well for future efforts.
Nor are you dependent upon meter or rhyme. There is rhyme but you concentrate on image and content which adds strength to your words.
I think "woodland eaves, tide heaves" and "wing-borne ravens, heartfelt havens" are wonderful images.
Keep it up. I hope we see more from you in the future.
This is a very nice emotional work.
First, let me say I love the hymn where your title and ending came from. It still works very well in many trying situations, doesn't it?
I was taken about how the death of your father still resonates 7+ years later.
I also appreciate that this didn't become a standard memoir of what he meant to you. That does make it more readable.
While it was obvious your dad was much loved by your family, you saw fit to include that there were still lingering issues between he and your brother. That is often overlooked or deliberately neglected at someone's passing. Personally, I appreciate that, it makes it more realistic.
One more thing. Adding the nurses and your supervisor was a real bonus. When they go out of their way to attend a funeral after seeing at the patient at their most vulnerable says a great deal about how highly they thought of him when he was alive. The supervisor could see how this effected you; she was a blessing to hear about.
You are off to a good start. Keep up the good work. It is well, it truly is well with your soul.
Amen! I truly appreciate this poem. I wish more folks would respond to these matters in this manner. Far too many ignore the spiritual aspect of their lives. You fathers sage words should be spread around more. You mention "looking for the love", "feeling God's spirit","search for truth". These can only be done on a very personal plane.
I really appreciate,"more than parroting of quotations" and "Memorize the holy writings". Far too many do just that, memorize and parrot, as if those words applied in every situation (like my sister-in-law).
If you don't mind, I'd like to spread this outside of wdc. Our world would be a lot better off following your dad's thoughts than watching season 3 of Breaking Bad, or whatever boxed set they got for Christmas.
Bravo! Reading all ten tales brought many smiles to this aging face. I am proudly a Christian but am equally proud to grow up with and gone to school with many Jewish friends. I went thru this from the opposite end from you, but now as an adult I can cherish my young years and what we learned about each other's cultures just by living in respectful harmony. As a matter of fact there was equal envy from kids of both sects about the benefits of getting one gift a night for eight nights or getting them all at once.
All was not idyllic however. I was able to learn about being two faced and hypocritical when I heard certain comments when the Jewish kids weren't around. The misconceptions persist to this day, but I guess you know that.
More importantly, you expressed your remembrances in a friendly, respectful way.
O, I must say I had no idea of how "beyond the pale" came to the language. Thanks. I really appreciate that.
If I may make a shameless plug- I submitted a poem to wdc recently called Happy Holidays. It makes a spiritual link to Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa and New Years. You may enjoy that.
Nice work. I enjoyed reading this. Though I found nothing extraordinary in your style or words or even the soldiers thoughts, in the end I found it quite compelling. His thoughts, his prayers would have been my thoughts and prayers. Though he had a serious duty to perform protecting his comrades his mind was thousands of miles away with even more important
What stood out to me was mentioning Afghanistan and the DMZ. Two separate wars a generation apart. It would have been the same if you'd mentioned Antietam, Valley Forge etc. One could genuinely feel your soldiers dilemma.
I hope you aren't the soldier.
I really appreciate this. You've dealt with a serious issue and handled it in a clever, thoughtful and spiritual manner.
Memories are very personal and you do not share any of yours. That's great. It's none of the readers' concern. But something has happened in your life that requires expressing and release.
Death is the ultimate release and using it as pretext is both clever and mature since so many avoid it.
I like the idea of dressing in black to reinforce the traditional funeral attire. I also realized you stressed "your beautiful past" twice. I didn't notice that upon first reading this. That adds severity to your need to bury it.
I would only make two semantical adjustments. One, since I believe you are a woman (black silk dress etc) why not change "one man funeral" to "one woman funeral"? Second, is "one handful of dirt" enough?
Very profound work. BTW, you're opening description says a great deal too. That is what attracted me to this poem.
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