Jade, your Mom and I both think this is a great first story for you on WDC. Thanks for the privilege of writing a review of it! I will be giving you a thorough review of this story as a baseline for future writing. Please, do not expect me to be this thorough on every review, but if you want to "sweeten the pot" as TristenKozinski   has done, then that is another matter entirely. (What did he do? Please, ask.) ;)
 Overall Impression: You have a good story, Jade! As with any new creation, the finishing touches (or polish) are the elements, that make a good story great!
 Suggestions: Let's touch on a few of those. Okay?
The first thing we need is a consistent break between the paragraphs. It is a great device for the flow of the story to create a new paragraph every time we change speakers. This is the same kind of a device, that an actor can use, when he (or she) is playing two parts, alone. Step right, look left, use the first voice. Step left, look right, use the second voice. The audience "gets it," that you are playing two parts because you are looking in opposable directions for the two parts.
Secondly, simple sentences, that "show rather than tell" make for stronger stories. (I confess this is something the writers of WDC are gently teaching me. Therefore, I pass the good word along to you.)
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"Ella sacó un cuchillo.", I wrote.
"What does that mean?", my friend Fabio asked. (He was staying at my house for the week, while his parents were on an anniversary.) I think "...on an anniversary vacation (or trip, your choice)" would be helpful.
"It means 'She took out a knife'. I'm writing a book for my writing club, and there's a girl in my class who came from Spain to live here, so I decided to make a Spanish copy for her, so she won't feel left out.", I said.
(The cadence of the sentence would sound less ponderous, if you would use a synonym, [aka "different word, same meaning."] For instance, "I'm writing a book for my writing club..." could become "I'm creating a book for my writing club...")
It would make for easier reading, if we break up long, complex sentences into three or four simple sentences.
For instance, "I'm creating a book for my writing club. There's an exchange student in my class. She came here from Spain. I decided to make a Spanish copy for her, to make her feel welcome.", I said." (BTW, the last part of the sentence was a big change in order to demonstrate a philosophy of mine. This is a very strong belief. "The statement is always stronger, if you can show positively what something is...rather than negatively,...what it's not."
He gave me a slight smile. I smiled back and continued writing, then paused.
"What's wrong?" Fabio asked.
"I'm trying to think how to say: 'I tried to run, but our eyes locked.' in Spanish." (It seems to have a more gentle, romantic feel to use the expression, "...our eyes met.")
"All I can think of is 'Yo', ‘corre' and 'pero', but that's about it." he said.
"Thanks." I said, saying out the words as I wrote. "'Yo', 'corre' and 'pero'. What does ‘pero’ mean again?” I asked him, thinking he would draw a blank. (The usage of a synonym is important in this paragraph, too, Jade. The words, "said" and "saying" are so close in texture and form, that it would be good to consider using a different word, that means the same thing. For instance, "...I said, saying out the words as I wrote." could be changed to "...I said, verbalizing the words as I wrote them." Do you see what I mean? We kept the meaning, while creating a different texture and form.)
"I'm pretty sure it means 'but', and you know which 'but' I'm talking about." he said, with a chuckle but as I looked him in the eyes, his eyes said: You do know which one I'm talking about, right? (Just a program note, here, Jade. This sentence leans in the direction of needing a new label for the entire story. This thematic element could possibly change the "E" to a "13+," depending on how strict a reader is with the labels.)
I nodded, which sent his eyes back into the pretty cyan that they were. (I think I get the concept, here. However, does this mean, that he looked down? Did he relax and look away? How can we show the action to create a stronger PUNCH of meaning?)
Surprisingly, his sister, Amiya, has his dad's green eyes, while he inherited both his mother's and his father's eyes, and I hate to admit it, but I wish I could have his eyes. (There is a great deal of emotion in this sentence. However, it is easy to get lost in the pronouns and the complexity of the sentence. Maybe it would help us to simplify a bit. "Surprisingly, his sister, Amiya, had their dad's green eyes, while he inherited eye color from both his parents. I hate to admit it, but I wish I could have eyes like his.")
Before I knew it, he was waving his hand in front of me saying, almost yelling "Earth to the Writer. Hey, how's the weather in Daydream Land?" (Your sentence will be stronger by not being redundant. The phrase, "...saying, almost yelling..." would be stronger without the word, "saying." Make the thought to be, "...he was waving his hand in front of me, almost yelling..."
I started laughing, which told him his job was complete. "I love your sense of humor, Fabio."
"And I like your sense of drifting off into Daydream Land, just by staring into my eyes.” I roared in laughter.
When I finally stopped, he said, “Oh, I kept forgetting, but your mom said you still need to do the dishes and-“ (Maybe, "...keep forgetting..."?)
“‘Practice my monologue for theater.’ Yes I know. She’s told me a million times.”
“Then why don’t you do it?”
I sighed, then began talking in a flurry, hoping he wouldn’t interrupt me. “Well, you know those times when you’re trying to write or create or do something creative and you get a mental block?” He nodded. “Well, that’s what’s happening here. I’m supposed to write a monologue about ourselves for theater -teacher’s orders- and I’m stuck!” I said in a huff.
1. Synonym Alert: "...trying to write or create or do something creative..." I believe this thought could be changed to this new expression, "...trying to write or create or do something artistic..."
2. The nuance of meaning seems a little off to me in the expression, "...to write a monologue about ourselves for theater..." I believe it would make a better texture of meaning to say, "...to write a monologue about the actors in our theater class..." (I feel certain, that not all of your readers would know you are talking about your theater class...the way I do, since I am familiar with your life. It's best to express things like that,...plainly. The reader might be confused, since most readers will equate the word, "theater" with watching a full-length theatrical presentation of some sort.)
“Well, where are you stuck? Maybe I can help?” he said because that’s his personality -caring, loving and helping-
“Where I left off?” I questioned him.
“Yeah. Where were you when you stopped writing last?”
“Try: ‘Hi! I’m Bella Houser, but you can call me Beedee.’” I said, with tears swelling in my eyes. I didn’t want to cry in front of Fabio, but my eyes couldn’t help it. I cried into his shoulder for what felt like an hour. (I think the expression, "...but my eyes couldn’t help it" would be more easily said as the thought, "...but I just couldn’t help it.")
“Hey. Shh. It’s okay. All writers get the ‘Horrifying Mental Block of Writing’ from time to time. You know you’re not alone. Now, think. Are you sure you are the only one in your theater class who goes through this?”
“Well. Maggie does have the same thing happen to hear every time we work on our monologues at theater class, and you can always tell when Susie and Mandy are stuck because they talk about it.”
“See? You’re not alone. It’s like what Thomas Edison said when he was making the lightbulb: ‘I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.’”
“So?”
“So, if you remember what he said, then maybe it will help you with your monologue.”
“Hey thanks, Fabio!”
“No problemo.” he said, with a smile so big, it almost reached his ears.
“Say, I have an idea!” I said, as a lightbulb went off in my head. (Many adults use the expression, "...a lightbulb went off in my head." However, this presents a logical conundrum. "If a lightbulb went off in one's head, does that mean the bulb was already burning and now all is dark in the head?" "If, however, the intention is truly to create an atmosphere of light in the head, would it not be better to write the words, "...as a lightbulb turned on in my head"?)
“What?”
“Will you help me with my monologue?”
“But, I thought you said you had a mental block.” Fabio said, with a small smile.
“Fabio, I think you just broke the block into chunks.” I said, grinning.
“Well, then let’s tackle the beast you call a monologue!”
Then we were off, faster then you can say “Mental Block”. We worked on it for hours with short breaks to eat and go to the bathroom, but at 10:00 PM, the monologue was proof-read 4 times, typed into my laptop, printed and read a dozen times to make sure it didn’t have mistakes. A few minutes later, we fell asleep, excited for the upcoming theater class.
Please, drop the word, "then" at the beginning of the last paragraph. The "then" in the previous paragraph is pretty close to the one I mentioned. "We were off..." would make it easier to speak.
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 Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: I did a lot of this in the previous section. I won't repeat it here for the benefit of both of us. ;)
 What I Like: You have a gift for story telling, Jade! At the present I am Mr. Miyagi for you. The "car" belongs to you. I have simply showed you how to apply the wax. "Wax on! Wax off! Wax on! Wax off!" You have the skills. At the front of your career you simply need the support and care of people like me and like the other writers on Writing.Com in order to become polished as the great writer, you really are.
Thank you for reading my review! I'm really proud of you as my daughter! I'm really impressed by your potential as a writer.
WRITE ON!!!!!!! :D |
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| (4.0)
| (4.5)
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, if they could have understood my meaning because I created an entirely new texting script. Finally, the guy had to ask, "What does that mean?" You see he had written, "tl;dr" or "tool long; didn't read." To this I created, "ta;dc" or "too awful; don't care." (This is, also, my second version of the expression, since V2 is more socially-acceptable.)
Overall Impression: This is very good advice! We do need to be on time for ballgames, shows at the theater, movie showings, and most importantly, for interpersonal and professional appointments. When we are consistently late, people get the idea, that we don't respect them. Being on time shows a well-groomed individual, who takes life seriously.
Welcome to WDC from me and the "The Newbie Research Center" 
