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119 Public Reviews Given
119 Total Reviews Given
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Review of Nashville  
Review by A.M.Issy
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" *UmbrellaR*


This is a really uplifting piece! Patriotic and inspiring it really hits home. It sounds almost like a song, especially with the refrain. The ending is great and your made up work "Nashvillian" doesn't seem out of place at all. I have a few suggestions and as always I'd like to say that all suggestions and opinions are just my own, you're free to dismiss them if you like.

Stanza 4:
The sunlight here blazes
We bask in it’s glory
Sometimes we amazing
Most times we a story
That’s Nashville

Sometimes we amazing? Do you mean sometimes we're amazing? most times we're a story? If not? what is being said here?

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, were country and proud!

You could most likely leave out the 'yes' and 'were' in the way you mean it is spelt 'we're' as it is an abbreviation of we are.

All in all this is a great piece and it somehow makes me feel patriotic! To my own country... which is certainly not Nashville but your pride in your own home makes me feel pride in my own. Unusual but a great feeling.

Fantastic piece.
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Review of The Light  
Review by A.M.Issy
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" *UmbrellaR*


This is an amazing poem, the refrain really holds the whole thing together and the imagery is fantastic through out. I have a few suggestions and they are as follows but as always all suggestions and comments are purely my own opinion you are free to do with them what you will.

I am a light
That glows with unseen brilliance
I take fight
I defy the wind’s resilience

When you say *fight* do you mean *flight*?

I am a light
To lead all generations
A lengthy plight
With hopes and aspirations

When you say with hopes and aspirations it changes the feel. Plight means difficulty. It also depends whether your talking about your journey being a lengthy plight, leading them? If so 'with' may be substituted with 'filled with'. Or are you talking about their plight? If so, why are they filled with hopes and aspirations if it is difficult? In which case it could be 'false hopes and aspirations.

I love the ending but in the last 2 stanzas you change the refrain from a light to the light. Is there a reason for this? I feel 'a light' is stronger and because it is repeated and flows with the poem, there is no reason to change it.

I really enjoyed reading this poem and I will defiantly take a look at the rest of your portfolio.

Good work!
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28
Review by A.M.Issy
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" *UmbrellaR*


It is so sweet and so innocent. Reminds myself of simpler times! I love how much you can tell about your characters just from this short piece. The drowsy uninterested mother, the intelligent father, the prankster brother and the talkative young girl (narrator). You've done very well with the characters and with the whole, very sweet, story!

I have a few suggestions and comments and they're as follows. As always though, these are all my own opinion and it is completely up to you what you listen to what you don't etc etc.

Christmas Tree - personally I capitalize both words, but that is just me.

"I looked out the window; we were surrounded by thousand and thousands of trees. Varying in size and shape, they blurred into a hodge podge of green as we sped down the highway. We slowed down and the colors began slowly separating back out into trees, none of which I could name."
You've only used trees twice but the second time you use it it feels a bit misused, or over used. Possibly changing it to 'slowly separating until they were once again individuals, none of which I could name'. But that sounds a bit personified to me, and I wrote it. :) Just suggesting different ways to avoid using the same word again.

"Running over to a Christmas tree just about my height, I ran over and hugged it, burying my face in its branches."
She ran over? then... ran over again? "running over to a Christmas tree" - "I ran over". I would suggest removing one of the two as they describe the same thing happening twice.

“Honey, that’s not a Christmas tree. It couldn’t smell like a pine tree. You probably just wanted to smell it so bad that you convinced your mind you could smell it.”
You've gone from calling it a Christmas tree to a pine tree in the name dialogue, its a little confusing. Was there a reason for this? and why is Pine not capitalized as Christmas is.

I loved this piece and I adore the ending "with a smile and a small sniff." so cute!

Loved the characters! the imagery! all very well done. :)
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Review of Never Far Away  
Review by A.M.Issy
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
"death of a newborn baby who only life a few days and the melt down of the parents". I think you mean 'Death of a newborn baby who only lives a few days and the meltdown of the parents'

This is a very emotional poem. It tells a full story in only a few stanzas and you can see all the emotion and the hurt the narrator is going through. I hate giving suggestions to emotional pieces because I know how close you can become to your work but here are a few suggestions.

His birth was such a special time
and will forever be in my heart

I could suggest changing the second line to "and will be forever in my heart"

You say "you did whats best" which makes me think of him maybe being on life support? I'm not sure.

Also in the description you say 'meltdown of the parents'. I see a strong, and whilst sad, not desperate person. I see a mother, maybe because I'm female and I relate more to a female in this position but I don't feel like they've broken down.

I really like this piece. Well done.
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Review of Conquest  
Review by A.M.Issy
Rated: E | (4.5)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" *UmbrellaR*


I like the feel of this piece, short and... not so sweet. Possessive. You've used punctuation seemingly randomly here, was there a reason for this?

Whilst the poem doesn't rhyme, it does flow. The lines are short and ending with the reader wanting to know more. I still want to know more when it is over!!!

Where you say 'leaving defiant mark echoing'. are you talking about one mark or many? It seems like it would benefit from an 'a' before the defiant or and s after 'mark'.

But this is just my opinion. Good luck with your writing. I enjoyed it a lot :)
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31
Review by A.M.Issy
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" *UmbrellaR*


I read this piece from top to bottom, and then again. It's very scientific and to be honest I'm not that good at all that stuff. I liked your use of words such as 'endeavour', 'counterpart' and 'equilibrium'. All very good words, there were more but you get the picture.

As I'm not very scientific I couldn't decide if this was a real life science experiment theory or not. If it isn't you've done a good job of creating a real life likeness of one but the situation itself just seems so unlikely! Eons!? I don't have the patience for years, let alone eons.

The writing was good and the context and the information was great. I could suggest using referencing (you did a bit but not much) but all in all this was a good piece. I have a list of grammatical, spelling, vocabulary and other issues I spotted and also some suggestions below. As always these are my own opinion and it is completely up to you what you decide to take on board.

How to Build Your Own Star System

All capitalized?? Why?

In the 2nd sentence, you’ve double spaced in between also and the.

When you say “This document is also the result of the Hicks Star System Formation Theory. That theory is not the universally accepted Star System Formation Theory,” I could recommend the second sentence being changed to “Whilst this theory is not the universally…”. The word ‘that’ changes the feel and flow of the piece. Also Star System Formation Theory could be shortened to ‘SSFT (Star System Formation Theory)’ when written the first time, (Hicks SSFT (Star System Formation Theory)) which would allow you to shorten it through out the piece.

Where you say ‘continuity, consistency and cohesion’. I like the alliteration but all three words mean basically the same thing, with consistency and cohesion they mean the exact same thing. I could suggest using ‘but it is a theory of continuing cohesion.’ Which means it is continually consistent. Which seems to fit with what you are trying to say.

When this is in page format I could suggest making (Those interested in reading the Hicks Star System Formation Theory may request same at rhicks@theorycommons.com) a footnote. So that those interested in more can read it whilst others can continue reading uninterrupted.

Could I suggest ‘Whilst it is also not to promote the Hicks SSFT, if you decide to use this as a basis *for your research* you can have a head start on the others…’ as we don’t currently know what they are using this as a basis for.

As this is meant to be an educational document I could suggest removing the word ‘some’ from “clarification of details by some astronomical society before they begin their project” and changing it to ‘an’.

You seem to use the word system a lot in this piece. Which is understandable as it is a piece on creating a solar system. In some places could you substitute this word for ‘galaxy’, ‘arrangement’ and/or ‘structure’.

When you say ‘undisturbed by any other forces’, could the word forces be changed at all? Forces seems quiet inadequate when compared to the scientific definitions surrounding the phrase. May I say the same for ‘eons’? I am not a science related person so I unfortunately have no suggestions in this matter.
‘There may be a body, and even a slight chance of several bodies and the larger of any bodies shall likely become your Star.’ Is a very short paragraph, is it possible to incorporate it into either the one before or the one after?

When yu say duties in the paragraph after, it is rather vague. May I suggest ‘you are just about finished your physical part in this process.’

‘then the chances are greater that you will form a Star System very much like the Solar System.’ When you say solar system do you mean ‘our’ solar system. Also in this paragraph you say ‘if you want other phenomena in your star system’, I think you mean another? Or phenomena’s.
P.S You also forget to capitalize Jupiter in this paragraph and capitalize ‘star system’ once, but say it again without capitalization.

Luny-? As a star name??

In the paragraph after this you again forget to capitalize Jupiter.

Iteration – the process of doing something again and again to achieve the same result. Is this the word you meant?

You’ll be needing your very high tech equipment? Sounds less scientific. You could also you “You’ll need”

‘In the true manner of speaking’ is rather redundant, maybe consider using ‘in other words’.

The word Jupiter, even when using it as a measurement should be capitalized. If I was saying the building was 10 Janes high (Jane measures 163cm, the building is 16.23m) I would still capitalize the name.

‘It follows that the star will do things that the sun did, and it will do them to the same degree that the sun did’. You use the words ‘that the sun did’ twice in one sentence creating the feeling of deju vu.

‘At that ninety-seven MPU distance and beyond, the material’ you double spaced between the comma and the ‘the’.

‘a considerable amount of the material will reach and maintain orbital velocity.’ Double spaced between the ‘reach’ and ‘and’.

‘nothing ever remains the same for very long, at least, on the cosmic time scale.’ Double spaced between ‘long,’ and ‘at’.

‘Because your proto-star now has a planet, we'll will no longer call it a proto-star.’ You’ve repeated yourself here which is hard to notice when you’re writing. ‘We’ll will’. We’ll means, we will.

‘Luny will escape the collision by squirting out from between the two new bodies, possibly squeezed out’. I’m not sure about how this sounds compared to the rest of the piece. The words squirted and squeezed maybe could be substituted for something else?

‘Should you wish to develop a star of greater mass, then find a molecular cloud of the mass you want your star to be.’ Remove then ‘then’ as it is superfluous to the sentence.

‘These are the primary considerations when choosing your molecular cloud, density, mass, spin rate, so good luck with your endeavour.’ I could suggest ending the sentence with “cloud, density, mass and spin rate.” And moving the ‘good luck with your endeavour’ to later in a sentence of its own, removing the ‘so’.

You double spaced a lot, I'm not sure I got all of them and also you didn't capitalize Jupiter in most of the later paragraphs.

Good luck with this piece I look forward to seeing what you do with it.
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Review by A.M.Issy
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Creative work. I appreciate the way you've used the 'show don't tell' technique. Some things I noted are:

The word shadow makes me imagine nighttime, where as it must be day time, as she is touching 'ripples of blue', or blue water. I enjoy how you've capitalized the word 'Alone' to make it into a thing rather than just a feeling. Though I'm not sure I understand the use of a capital in Brilliance. You seem to capitalize for importance to begin with and then randomly later on.

The poems stanza's and lines get shorter and shorter as the poem goes on. I'm not sure whether this was on purpose but it does draw it to a close nicely. You've not used rhyme until the very last stanza, was there a reason for this? If not, it does throw the reader off. But that is just my personal opinion.

I hope to see more of your work around!
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Review by A.M.Issy
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting piece. There are parts I don't understand, such as:

To the point where the lie has now become lies.

Wasn't the lie already a lie? and where you say "Enjoy your time one top" I am assuming you mean 'on top'. You start to rhyme in the 5th stanza but then stop again for the end.

As a poem it is unusual, with free-verse being so popular now, meter count and rhyme aren't as important. A poem is a poem as long as you say it is a poem. That's the only criteria, the difference with the poem is that you seem to develop the idea as you move along but you jump from different ideas.

First I see a 'white lie' then it moves to 'gossip' then 'slander' and 'harassment'. It turns from something we all know, to something more sinister. It's very creative and engaging.

I hope you continue to work on this piece.
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Review of Master  
Review by A.M.Issy
Rated: E | (4.5)
Your men appall me!

In other news. Good poem! I like the words you've used, scorched, trumped, facades. Powerful, emotion driven words. In the line:

I fear of what you might do before them

Do you mean what he might do in front of the world? or is it someone else? Or is it before 'then'?

I assume 'gem' is a metaphor for heart, which is extremely interesting. A gem is beautiful and priceless, but are you also saying the heart was hard and unbreakable?

I love, absolutely 'love', the term 'virgin heart'.

Overall a very good poem, interesting and thought provoking, I could sit here analyzing it all day.
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Review of Tick Tock  
Review by A.M.Issy
Rated: E | (4.0)
This piece is a little confusing. I may be reading it out of context. 3rd last line, I think you mean from rather than form. I like the piece, how you've talked about boredom in such a way. It reminds me a bit of Cat in the Hat, the kids sitting at the window looking out at the rain as their mother leaves for work. I'm not sure about the metaphor, it's raining cats and dogs. Maybe if you used that without the pouring down. It's a very informal sort of writing and you've done a good job of it.

I enjoyed reading this piece.
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Review of Melancholy  
Review by A.M.Issy
Rated: E | (4.0)
When you say:
Other people fade through life like paper that blows on a city wind- invisible to those who have seen thousands like you before
The word fades imply they slowly disappear but they were their fully at one point in time. I think you mean, flitter or falter, maybe walk through life as a ghost, never really there but ever present.

Nothing had compromised it.
Maybe use "They compromised nothing for it"?

Other than that I think you bring up some really good points in your writing. What is living if not whether we'll be remembered after death? Who shall remember us, what changes can people make to their life besides the external etc.

I would really like to see more of this sort of thing around, it's very good though I would suggest working on your punctuation and spelling. But a really good piece. I enjoyed it :)
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Review by A.M.Issy
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very moving peice. I like the repetition and I love the flow and feel of the poem. The punctuation in the second line of stanzas 4-5 threw me off a bit and in stanza 5

Let me hear your voice again
And smell you -- your distinctive scent
And feel your heart beneath my head
Let me hear you speak again

line 2 seems to have too many beats compared to the rest of the piece. Maybe I'd suggest tightening it it "and smell your distinctive scent. the you, your sounds good but makes it out of time.

I hope to see what you do with this. Very good work :)
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Review by A.M.Issy
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this piece. I'm not sure what you're trying to do with the poem/prose going back and forth and numbered headings. The parts that are in poetry seem to be written as prose but then moved into poetry format by changing lines. The poetry does make it seem more dramatic whilst the prose gives you an emotional connection to the characters in the disaster. I like it and hope to see more of the story as you progress with it.

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Review of Trees  
Review by A.M.Issy
Rated: E | (4.5)
It is interesting. I would like to hear/see where the story goes. It reminds me a bit of Alice in Wonderland, following the rabbit down the rabbit hole. Drinking an unknown substance, Meeting a stranger, strange words such as 'Hahanta'. It is good writing and I like it a lot. I hope you continue with this piece.
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Review of Tears  
Review by A.M.Issy
Rated: E | (4.0)
It's a nice free verse poem, a bit to free verse but it shows emotion which is always important. I like the single teardrop showing the inability to cry or show emotion. I'd like to see it extended. But practice makes perfect, continue writing.

Review by: A.M.Issy
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Review by A.M.Issy
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I like the repetition which links each stanza to each other. I don't know the author at all but I looked them up and they seem to have touched the lives of many people. I like the fact that this is a written tribute to an author. You haven't used the same style of writing as the author which is unusual for a tribute.
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Review of Text me  
Review by A.M.Issy
Rated: E | (3.5)
I'm not sure about the "chorus/bridge" but the rest is interesting. It's a good take on mobiles and their effect on romantic relationships. :) I like it. I hope you take the time to polish and /record/ this.
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Review of Over There  
Review by A.M.Issy
Rated: E | (3.5)
In parts I like it. I love the first stanza, though the first 2 lines could be 1. I always have trouble giving feedback to non rhyming free verse. I write poetry but very much with-in the rules most of the time. I do like it but the flow is halting and I didn't understand... at all, what it was about.

Good writing though.
Keep writing.
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Review by A.M.Issy
Rated: E | (3.0)
I have read the first and second one. (Revised and first) I am not sure how I really feel about it. The emotion playing behind it and the words used create better empathy and increase the poetic form but the poem it's self doesn't flow well. It is obviously free verse which means it needs no meter or rhyme but as T.S.Elliot said "No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job" which is because for it to be labeled a poem, there has be more to it that just writing short sentences, line by line.

Free verse in particular adheres to the "line" of poetry. Which causes each 'group' of lines in your poem to be called a 'stanza'. With-in each stanza you must create a theme for that particular one, or else create the entire poem as one stanza. You're stanza's are good in capturing a theme per group but your stanza's are each a different length creating an uneven poem. As a poem about something as 'perfect' as a mother (or as how your depicting her), the poem should reflect that perfectness but creating balance, flow and rhyme.

My only other criticism, sorry if I'm going on too long, is the line 'Ignoring my pampered whining'. Pampered means to cater to, or in dictionary definition - to treat or gratify with extreme or excessive indulgence. Which makes the line an oxymoron.

Sorry for going on, I want to be an English teacher eventually and find it good to assess peoples work on here :) I hope it helped and all in all I do like the poem.

(I spent over an hour finding the word 'oxymoron', it was on the tip of my tongue but I just couldn't remember what the word was. =D)
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Review of Reminder  
Review by A.M.Issy
Rated: E | (3.0)
I like this poem but I'm not sure about the glow of it. The actual words you use are very good except perhaps the medical reference synapses which seems slightly out of place. I think you've done very well in this poem. My only problem would be that it is morning and when you think of people talking it is hard to imagine a lot of chatter in the morning. Continue writing :D
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Review of Anger Management  
Review by A.M.Issy
Rated: E | (2.0)
I like the poem, and I like what you've tried to portray. I don't understand the wording thou. "this grief is not so nurturing"? compared to what? "stubborn youth" would not be a nurturing time. Why does he think with urgency about the simple joys in life?
What beckons in apathy? Apathy means absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement. Does that mean that numbness is beckoning? or do you mean empathy? the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another. Which would mean you feel the anger of other people.

This poem flows well and the story is good. The words you use thou don't seem to make much sense and seem to have been picked for suitability to the rhyme and flow rather than the actual meaning provided by them

Continue writing :) sorry for any criticism.
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Review of A fish story  
Review by A.M.Issy
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Aw, such a cute story. I love it! It is written rather well and the story is so adorable. I recommend putting it into a proper story and putting it up I would defiantly read it. I like your writing style and your dialogue. My only problem was the prompt "three people fishing" which confused me because a) there were 4 to begin with and b) they weren't fishing yet. Continue writing :)
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Review of Fragile  
Review by A.M.Issy
Rated: E | (3.0)
I like the ideas, and the first part but I'm not sure about the second half. It doesn't seem to fit with the first and doesn't work in a rhyming or alliteration capacity. The idea is good and with a few tweeks it could be great. Good luck and continue writing : )
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Review of Bedlam  
Review by A.M.Issy
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I like the story but I think you need to work a bit more on the descriptions with in the story. The age of the character doesn't really tell us much about them. Try something like 'the brunette waitress who was 10 years Marcia's junior jumped across the table, slid across the maple oak bench and ran straight into Senior Constable Tomtom." (This description obviously has nothing to do with your story it's just a example I wrote.) The piece otherwise is good. Good luck :D
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Review of Getting over you  
Review by A.M.Issy
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, yet another, again.

As I have said before in my last 2 reviews you really do have a talent for poetry and I like this one a lot. Grammar and spelling is this one are perfect but also remember to check your punctuation. Yet again, Good luck :)
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