Hello again,
I like what you've written, The spelling and the grammar is off and so is the meter. I've just reviewed another peice by you and you do have a remarkable talent for poetry but this one just doesn't fit in with poetry guidelines. It is a great emotional piece and I think if you work on it some more this piece could be fantastic. : ) Good Luck.
Write on.
A.M.Issy
I think this is a brilliant piece. It makes me feel like the person has had the dream before. This poem makes me empathic which is what all good poems should. For such a short piece is carry s a lot of emotion. I think you've done a great job. Good luck with your writing.
Something is lost in the translation for me, I don't exactly know what the term 'eyes of power' is meant to mean or suggest. I like the rhythm, it is slightly repetitive but I think that is what you were going for. It is a good poem. Keep up the good work :)
I am not sure I understand this piece completely, what I see when I read this is a baby. Naked and seemingly unintelligent. I am not sure that is who you are writing about but I only see this. It seems to define the feeling of a baby coming into a world, the hope of getting out, the dream of something different and a fear of something new.
This could all be wrong though but it is a nice piece.
It is a good poem. There doesn't seem to be a meter but it is a great story and the idea behind it is fantastic. I love how you've made the silence the answer and the rose be the guiding tool which is great because love is a big symbol of love. The word bled seems a bit out of place, maybe bored, or "the colours swirled within my pupils" (sorry about the word 'colour' if you're not Australian it's spelt wrong)
The story it's self is great. The writing needs a bit of work but it's hard to get a story right first time. I look forward to reading more of it.
Suggestion: Describe your main character more I didn't even know she was female until quite a bit into it. She is the main link to the story and you want people to be able to identify her. :) Good luck
It is interesting. It is a confusing format but you've done well and I like the overall feel even if it does feel somewhat claustrophobic in maintaining a sort of realistic approach to containing ones personality within the cause and effects of their life.
Brilliant, you could tell what was meant to be happening and that he was completely out of the loop. I think a bit more descriptive detail would be good. It reads almost completely narratively at the moment and it's up to the reader to create the world. It would work well as a play :) I can't wait to read more.
I like it :) It's very lyrical and it rhymes really well.
It reads like a child's poem, mainly because of how it flows but the story behind it seems more dark than the way it is written. It's a bit of a shock really. I do like how it is written thou :)
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