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239 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Gaia  
Review by abbyer
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, Geoff.
The following is my review for your piece "Gaia".

I liked the title to begin with. It is a greek word and it means 'earth', as I am sure you know *Smile*. It kind of made me expect a more "descriptive" piece, and not such an emotional one, if you understand what I mean.
It is not an easy piece to read. You have to really be concentrated while you read it, in order to fully understand it. It seemed to me more "spiritual" than emotional, in the sense that the love and awe you feel as part of the 'Gaia' is evident throughout the whole piece. It feels the same way as paying respects to a higher power, whatever it may be.
The images are painted with vivid colors, especially the scene with the "dive" in the grass. I found some words that seem too repetitive in the same paragraphs and in consecutive sentences, such as
'My walk has become the journey of a lifetime. Perhaps every journey should be the journey of a lifetime. Isn't every lifetime a journey? ' and
' I should return home. But what is home but a word which I can write on this page? No, home is much more than a word. Has anyone yet found the words for home?'.
I don't know what you have in mind about expanding this piece. But seeing how clear you make the feelings you have for nature, I would say go for it.

Be well,
Susan
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Review of Big Brother  
Review by abbyer
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


Hello, again. This time I found this piece, because it belongs to a contest that I like too much, the "picture a story". As soon as I saw the picture I remembered that I had taken part in that round with the picture of this little girl. So, I was curious to see what you had come up with for this contest.

Once again I liked what I read. You seem to have a preference to sad stories, and I do so myself. As I have said to someone who asked me, I think everyone can relate to a sad story.

This is a sad but sweet story. A small child, fighting with cancer, but being so brave as to concern himself with his not-yet-born sister and whether or not his mom will talk to her about him.

You did a great job describing Jacob through several lines, even if you didn't lay the description flat out. I feel it is better the way you wrote it, because you used some pretty powerful lines. The most heart-breaking line to me was the next. "Stephanie reached for her son's hand, a hand that was marked and bruised by the numerous IVs that had brutalized his little six year old vessels." It indicated that the child was seriously ill and was probably not survive through the whole story.

You ended the piece with a bittersweet image. A family that consists of three members says goodbye to the fourth one, keeping him in their hearts and memories.

Thank you for sharing. Keep writing.
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3
Review of Saying Goodbye  
Review by abbyer
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)


Hi, Wordwarrior. It's me again. I hope you don't get bored getting my reviews.

I really like the way you write. When your themes are of my interest, and it seems most of them are, I really enjoy reading what you have to say.

This one here was a heart-breaking dialogue in all its innocence. Before beginning to read it, I was confused why there was a picture of two small children in a piece about a funeral. I thought it was an adult's funeral. And as soon as I started reading, I understood why there were children displayed. It was a child's funeral. It is frightening just writing it. I wish that nobody had to go through something like this. Ever.

What is the most sad thing in this story is the innocence that seeps through it. The way the children talk about their friend, mixing their curiosity with the unknown words they heard from the grown-ups, their questions about why children have to die... I think they are asking questions all of us would like to have answered.

This is what hurts the most. To see the world through a child's eyes, and know that there are things that cannot be answered.

Thanks for sharing. Keep writing.
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Review of Mistress  
Review by abbyer
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


Hi, Wordwarrior.

After reading your previous poem, I decided to raid your port. So, I came across this second poem of yours. Usually I don't review poems, because mainly I don't like reading them. But your writing is very clear, it does not feel like a typical poem, so it makes it easier for me to read your pieces.

So, another good piece from you. The title drew me in right away, revealing the exact nature of the poem. As soon as I started reading it, it became clear from the first lines that it was written from the point of view of a mistress and not just talking about her.

One of my favorite books, is "marrying the mistress" by Joanna Trollope. It deals with the same theme you wrote about, but since it is a novel it takes a different direction. Still, your poem made me think of this book, because it states so very clearly the psychological state of a woman who becomes someone's mistress.

"Mistress" is a word that generally has a negative meaning. The way you made her speak through your poem, is what makes us sympathise with her. We get to hear her point of view. She does not necessarily engage in a relationship with a married man just because she wants to destroy a couple. On the contrary, she is usually led to believe that there is no love between the couple and she somehow is the man's "savior". It may not always be true, but since she is a woman in love, she will be willing to accept anything that justifies her behavior.

Unfortunately, as much as we sympathise with her feelings and thoughts, and as much as we understand that it most probably is the man's fault, the sad reality is that the woman who plays the role of the mistress, is destined to be alone. Most of the times, men don't break their families. Out of fear, selfishness or whatever other reason. But the bottom line is that the mistress is always left waiting and hoping, believing and being misled, not realizing that nothing is going to change.

Thank you for sharing. Keep writing.
5
5
Review of So I Wait  
Review by abbyer
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)


Hello, wordwarrior. I came across this piece of yours while searching for something to review. You describe it as a poem, but it seemed more like a well-laid out monologue, so it made reading it a lot easier. Also, it was way clearer than poems usually are.

It is a well-written piece about jealousy, guilt, regret, not necessarily in that order. Your character is- from what I understand- a prisoner, whose life once was normal, much like all the peoples' who still live outside of prison.

The character is a man who, although he admits to having committed a hideous crime, and a premeditated one, he also admits that he did that out of jealousy and love for his wife. Murder is not justified, but with the sentence " that my love, my jewel, my everything was at home ", he reveals that he truly loved her. At least up to the point that he started planning to kill the adulterous couple. Of course, none of us want to be the recipients of this kind of love-jealousy.

In the final lines, it is becoming clear that guilt is this man's punishment. He sees the scars from his wife's scratches, and has to live with the memories of what he did.

Thank you for sharing. Keep writing.

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Review of NYC  
Review by abbyer
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*



Hi, Rachel.

Guess what. I couldn't resist reviewing once again one of your stories. So, I snooped around some more in your port and I found NYC. Since it is one of my big dreams to come to NYC, though it will never happen, I thought I would get a glimpse of it through your eyes. So, imagine my surprise when I realized it was not a general description of the city, but rather one - pretty personal, I imagine- experience of yours, your wedding day.

I don't know if it is a completely real description or a somewhat embellished memory, but it is beautiful nonetheless. The description of the park, along with the noises and the traffic in the city is very realistic but you make it seem romantic, because you connect it with the song "what a beautiful world" and of course with your feelings for your husband. So, this is what makes the description and the memory all the more beautiful.

I hope this was a real experience for you, or even if it wasn't exactly like that, I hope you remember your wedding day with feelings similar to the song 'what a beautiful world."

I am sure I will be back to your port again, soon. Keep writing and be well.

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Review of Gone  
Review by abbyer
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)


Hello, r32312.

I found your blurb in "hook to book" contest and I got drawn in by the title.
While reading "gone", I immediately thought about many ideas that could connect with this word. Your idea is very intriguing, because it can lead to a book that deals with many subjects at the same time.

The first line is a real hook. A worried parent who is reporting a missing child. My first reaction, almost involuntary, was that it was a teenager who had left home. Then came the revelation, about the baby, 18-months old. So, there was a change in my thoughts, realizing that something more sinister had happened.

The following lines were all full of surprises. Each one was a new hint to add to the suspense. The parents who were supposedly neglecting the child, a child with special needs, and finally two names that- to me- sounded both males. If this is true, you are leaving many subjects open, on which you can elaborate and give a greatly "complicated" book.

And finally, the cop. Leaves many questions asked, why and how he doesn't give up, what he finds during his investigations and many more levels I guess.

I hope you get through all the rounds. It is a very interesting summary and I am curious to find out more about it. Good luck with the contest.
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Review of Beast of Chicago  
Review by abbyer
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)


Hi, Shannon.
Congratulations on winning second place in "What a character" contest with this piece.

I have to say that when I started reading it I thought it was purely fictional. When I reached the end and saw your note, I realized the events were true and with some googling I learned about the true story behind the character.

I had never heard or read anything about this person, so I was shocked and scared by what I read. Reading about him in your piece was bothering, I would much rather he weren't a real person and it were just your imagination. But finding out that everything you wrote was true was even more disturbing.

However stressful it was to read it, you managed to make a brilliant piece out of it. You gave out the information in a diary-like monologue, the words flowed really well and before I knew it I had read it all. It was hard to put it down, because of the small details- referring to his thoughts and how he justified himself- you wrote.

His thoughts about humans, how cruel and how indifferent he seemed, and even how disconnected from any feelings of compassion or remorse he was, is what makes your story so different from wikipedia. Although I learned pretty much the same information from both these places, your story is what stays for giving a kind of insight to his mind.

The thing that frightened me the most, were the three final lines. It is scary to think that a child that is being born can already have the seed of evil inside. He was sure of it, though, as it appears.

Keep writing.
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Review of My Sister Gayle  
Review by abbyer
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*



Hi, Choconut.
Another great story, that was actually the first one that I had read before deciding to raid your portfolio.
At first I thought it was your personal experience, I hope it was not. By now, I think that writing in first person is preferable (I write this way, too, lately), and makes the story much more emotional and engages the reader far inside the story.
The whole story is a great example for young kids, like teens, to read. To make them understand that what matters in life, one of the most crucial things, is to try to live our lives to the fullest, to do what makes us happy, and to try and have a fulfilling life that does not depend solely on money, social recognition or acceptance. There are things that matter more that those, such as our serenity, our happiness, the way our hearts want to lead us on.
It is also a good read for parents, as well. A guide to let us know that we can't compare our children to each other (though it is a mistake we often make), we cannot make them live by our own standards but by theirs.
Sad story, sad outcome, but a very educational one. Thank you for sharing. Keep writing.
Susan
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Review of The Lie  
Review by abbyer
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


Hi, Choconut.
Now this is the kind of story I like to read. Dysfunctional families, couples that reach the end of their road, love stories that end up miserably. You managed to have this kind, too. You are clearly multi-dimensional and very creative in your stories. You don't have a certain pattern that you follow, in the sense that it is not just one kind of story that you write. Many genres, many different layouts, but also very interesting and intriguing. You have a unique way of writing, though it seems plain and simple, it has hidden levels and small words that embelish your stories.
This one is the story of a lie that was used to keep an unwilling husband in his marriage. We can see clearly that this is not a working way, but I am sure some women would use anything to sustain their pink bubble about their marriages. The interesting part is that this woman does this on purpose and uses the worst possible lie, about health. It seems to harm her, momentarily, but in the end, the twist is that her husband gets killed. I have to say that I didn't particularly enjoy this ending, I would have preferred Greg living. Lying about an affair is not as bad as lying about your dying. Besides, it wasn't exactly a happy couple, so some things are justified.
Thank you for sharing. Keep writing.
Susan
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Review by abbyer
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)



*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*




Hi, Choconut. Here I am, again, with a review for the second item of yours.
I got scared. That is all I have to say, to begin with. I don't particularly like reading horror-scary stories, but what can I say? You had me hooked. I just had to find out what happens next. And so, I kept on reading.
You hid the horror pretty well at the beginning. The story is read as the dream of a woman who is somewhat delusional, or has been having constant nightmares, or even is still in a nightmare. The reaction of her husband made all the more sense, because she had probably tired him, too, with her delusions and vivid imagination. So, all throughout the story, I believed it was some kind of a dream.
What frightened me the most, was not the fact that Hollie was captured by the devil. It was the fact that everything had been planned out in detail by the devil or by fate or by whatever we want to call it, the postman being a part of it and also Hollie's impulse to ask for help from him. Like little bricks, laid one by one, until the whole wall is built.
The line that I found pretty original was this "It’s funny, I never thought of the devil as female. Seems I was wrong."
Thank you for sharing. Keep writing.
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Review of Deception  
Review by abbyer
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)



*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*




Hello, Pamela.
This is a review for "Deception".


*Dropb* I liked the title and the brief description under it. It prepares you for a game where someone betrays somebody else, so I was curious to find out what exactly this is all about. You started off with a small description of the prison; I liked how you wrote about the sounds as well as the visual impression (orange jumpsuit, security screen). It was a good way to set up the settings in order to start building tension.


*Dropg* At first, what I thought was a bit strange were Kate's words. She states clearly that she wants a hitman but she gives a very weak reason for this. The reasons (he's out, he's tired, etc) don't seem enough to want someone killed. You mention money, but I think it is subsequent to the fact that he is going to get killed. Maybe you could add some more serious reasons that she wants him exterminated.


*Dropy* The sequence in which the plan is fixed and Kate follows it is very well written. You describe her thoughts and the heightening of all her senses. I also enjoyed the first scenes in the pub. The resolving of the climax is seen right after her meeting with Alex. Though it is given in detail (her reactions while she realizes who the hitman is, her tries to avoid answering his questions), it left me a bit confused. Alex must have known who he was supposed to meet, but Kate didn't know. So, was he just "fishing"? Trying to get her to admit whom she wanted killed? Was he going to kill her? I think this is what is deducted from the story, but I don't get why. Also, did her father betray her or just Alex? The final question; why is it under Gay/lesbian genre? Maybe I missed something.

All in all the story is nice and could even be turned into a bigger story. Keep writing.
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Review of Blood Weight  
Review by abbyer
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)



*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*




Hello, Laura.
This is a review for "Blood weight"


*Dropb* I found your piece in "Read a newbie". The title wasn't very clear but the small description underneath implied that there was more than it suggested. So, curious as I am, I jumped right in. The first reading went down smoothly. Interesting story and a character who knows pretty well the before and after of major weight loss. Her thoughts were very realistic and accurate, as well as the way that other people treated her. The "racism" against people who are different is very obvious in your story and well presented.


*Dropg* I liked the details in which you portrayed your character in her "new" body. The patting of muscles, the touching of toes, are all thoughts that an obese person often makes and dreams they could come true. What was even more interesting was the comparison between before and after, which you did brilliantly and in great detail.


*Dropy* When I read the ending I was a bit confused. I understood the general concept, but not exactly. Was it a blood-diet she did? Or did she turn into a vampire? This was not very clear for me. Maybe you could explain?


What I liked the most, was the second reading I gave it. After having read about the blood- diet, I discovered all the subtle, yet so on-the spot hints about red that are spread all over the piece. Thanks for sharing. Keep writing.
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Review of The Storyteller  
Review by abbyer
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)



*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*




Hello, Ben.
This is a review for "The storyteller".


*Dropb* If you really wrote it in only five minutes, it is a brilliant job. I would guess it would take more time than this to come up with these sentences to describe what you did (unless you had it already planned out in your mind.)


*Dropg* I found your description exceptional. I would never think of describing talking like drinking soda. I liked very much the way you laid it out, words like bubbles is so accurate, actually, especially for someone who talks too much. As I was reading it, I could actually picture the drink and the bubbles inside the mouth. I could "see" him shaking the can and how the words would explode. Beautiful description, I loved it. What I also liked was the secret thoughts the boy had. It is truly a gift, the storytelling, we all can see it through the eyes of our children who stay mesmerized every time they hear a story, whether it is great or not, because it feeds their (and our) imagination.


*Dropy* While the first paragraph is written on a serious note and gives us a great description (or introduction), it was the first line of the second paragraph that came out of nowhere and made me laugh out loud. The last sentences justify the comedy genre, and the comments inside brackets made me think of a boy in junior high. Funny and cute at the same time.


Thanks for sharing. Keep writing.
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Review of Ronnie and Larry  
Review by abbyer
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)



*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*




Hello, DJF.
This is a review for "Ronnie and Larry"


*Dropb* One more item of yours that I wanted to read. You have a strange kind of humor, which sometimes seems absurd and some others is just hilarious.


*Dropg* As soon as I read this story's title, I don't know why but it reminded me of "brokeback mountain." Maybe it crossed your mind, too. The first line confused me, is 1867 right? Unless there is some hidden meaning that I didn't get. The next scene is quite funny, though absolutely absurd, Larry running around naked. (At this point it just reminded me of "dumb and dumber"). The following dialogue is again a bit all over the place (not from your part, but from the character's part). Is he kidding or is he just trying to mess with Ronnie's head?


*Dropy* The whole story is quite good and funny. But I can't say I see any real friendship and connection, much less a best friend between these two. But then again, friendship between men is different that women, right? Or so they say.


Thanks for sharing. Keep writing.
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Review of Lights Out  
Review by abbyer
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)



*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*




Hello, Pamela.
This is a review for "Lights out".


*Dropb* Wow, it is a dark piece you wrote! But it is the third story of yours I am reading, so I must get used to being surprised by you. You managed to write one more gripping story, with enough information underneath the title to make it even more interesting. It is the story of a doctor who decides to play angel of mercy, or rather, to play avenger, not out of pity but out of frustration.


*Dropg* The doctor, at first, comes out as a considerate, hard working person who tries as best as he can to take care of his patients. A man who can put things into their right proportions, understand where he is needed and where he is not. So, this righteous man gets upset when he feels used and turns into a killer for those of his patients that seem or are hypochondriacs. He feels good about it, too, with no regrets.


*Dropy* His transformation happens when he cannot help a favorite patient of his, realizing that the whole "helping" experience is in vain. Of course, there is the danger of making this kind of behavior seem justified, right or normal, which it isn't.And not many doctors, if any, would think to act in a way like this. But, hey, this is fiction and well-written. So,


Thanks for sharing. Keep writing.
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Review of Stargazing  
Review by abbyer
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)



*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*




Hello, Nanu.
This is a review for "Stargazing"


*Dropb* Nice little title, very poetic, very dreamy. The whole poem, though small, reminded me of the words of a lover towards another, and not so much the words of a friend. But I understand it can be about friends, too, as you say in your brief description.


*Dropg* I like the pictures you paint with your words. Having read your other poems as well, you seem to be enchanted by the sky and its numerous elements (clouds, stars, color). You have a way with words, especially romantic ones about stars and it is a pretty strong advantage for a writer or a poet.


*Dropy* You are able to make the reader "see" and "feel' what you write. Congratulations.


Thank you for sharing this beautiful poem. Keep writing.
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Review of Devotion  
Review by abbyer
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


I found your poem in "Read a Newbie". Although I don't usually read or review poems, this one grabbed my attention with the first word. I wanted to see where devotion and mother would lead when combined. I thought it would be about a mother's devotion for her child. But you made it the other way around. It is about a child's devotion for his mother.
It paints a beautiful picture of someone flying all over the world, spreading the message of love through the image of a mother. I liked the way you combined "beauty's adjectives" and "all languages", sending the message that a mother's love for her children is universal and knows no borders and no restrictions.
One little thing that could be changed is the brief description, especially "like my left lung". I think something more poetic and sweeter would be more suitable.
My favorite word in the whole poem was "luminous". I found it in complete agreement with the concept of motherhood, spreading light and shining from the happiness that her children give her, and I wish my children would describe me this way.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful poem. Keep writing.


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Review of My Wife and I  
Review by abbyer
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)



*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


After having read your first story , I decided to browse through your port and I found this. I have to say that I thought it was the real story of your wife and you (I am curious, right?). And you really scared me when I read crack dens and the smell of the people you killed. Up until then I thought it was real. Then, at the killing-people part and even after that, with the HIV and the almost beating heart in your hands, I laughed at myself. It is the second time that I got tricked by your titles, and I think it shows that you have a unique way of writing.
Besides laughing almost through the whole story, this beginning line was my favorite. When I still thought it was true. "we were married in a beautiful service behind the bookstore next to the dumpsters. It was the happiest time in my life."
Keep writing. It would be nice to read a longer story of yours.
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Review by abbyer
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)




*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


Thank you for writing such a sweet and positive piece on such a hard subject. I didn't realize at first what it was talking about, but later on you stated it pretty clearly. And although I would expect the whole story to exude negativity and pity and hopelessness, it didn't. Instead, it is filled with a serenity and a peacefulness that makes the story even more powerful and gives a positive attitude to anyone who may be going through hardships and happens to read it.
I liked the fact that although it talks essentially about cancer, and I want to say that I hope it is not your personal experience, it does not do it in a whining kind of way. It focuses on the reactions and the thoughts about people, and not on the side effects or the other aspects of the illness. Somebody must be very strong to be able to overcome the sad thoughts and focus on the life that is still happening.
Just one confusing point was at the beginning, from " Al, Allison as her parents...a silver lining", where there is just one sentence in third person, while the rest of the story is in first person.
Thank you for sharing. Keep writing.
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Review of Over the top  
Review by abbyer
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)





*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*




Hello, smblomker.
This is a review for "Over the top"


*Dropb*
I found the title an interesting one, though it did not reveal a lot about what was going to happen. The short description under the title was interesting, too, and it made me want to read on. The story is about a young girl who is on the brink of marrying someone random, and so decides to confess to her loved one her feelings. There is a description of the emotional ups and downs she goes through in the course of the day and the final attempt of hers to admit to the boy she loves her true feelings.


*Dropg*
I had some trouble understanding what exactly was happening and where. It seems as if this piece is an introduction for a longer story, where a lot more things are explained. I would like to learn more about the time and place of the story, if it is in the past or the future, where is the so-called 'city", why people are not allowed to marry whom they want.


*Dropy*
I noticed that there is a change of the point of view. While the story starts with third person (Lizzie said), midway you change it to first person (I am Lizzy), which is a bit confusing.


All in all, it is a good introduction for a longer story, it will probably work better than being on its own. Keep writing.
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Review by abbyer
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)





*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*




*RainbowL* Hello,DJF . I found your piece "The man of her dreams" in "Read a newbie". I would like to leave you some comments, which are not professional, just my personal opinion. Feel free to ignore anything you don't find useful. Here is,

Review of "The man of her dreams"




*DropV* Impressions I chose your piece as one to come back to, for when I had more time. The time has come for me to read it and I am so glad I chose it! This little story, written as a diary entry, is so sweet and innocent, and reminds me of a previous time when our minds really worked this way and we had hopes and dreams like this guy did.


*DropR* CharactersI expected it to be a woman talking. Instead, I got a man, a young student, who is imagining how it would be if his loved one chose him, too. He is being described through her eyes and in his mind, which is kind of brilliant, although it may seem complicated. I liked the fact that he describes all the virtues that he wishes he has (or maybe even has) and he imagines the impact he will have not only on the girl but on her whole family.


*DropY* Development He takes it step by step. First what she sees, then what she hears, in the end what they will say and do. The description at her house is really enjoyable, the verbal "ping-pong", (I'll say- they'll say" is both interesting and funny as well.


*DropG* NotesThe one thing I have to comment on is that when I read the title I expected to see a piece from the point of view of a woman describing how the man of her dreams would be. The idea of having a man imagining he IS the man of a woman's dreams, I think is much cleverer and out of the box. It made the piece so much different from what I expected, not so much in terms of context, but as a whole concept.


*DropP* Favorite linesI laughed a lot with the sentence in the first paragraph that describes the logo on the t-shirt. So many things to deduct from such a small word! Pretty funny!

Thank you for sharing. Best wishes, *RainbowR*


*Beach* Susan


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Review by abbyer
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)



*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*



*RainbowL* Hello, R. Michael. I would like to leave you some comments, which are not professional, just my personal opinion. Feel free to ignore anything you don't find useful. Here is,

Review of "The determined wife"




*DropV* Impressions What drew me in from the beginning was the title. It kind of reminded me "the stepford wives", and I expected something similar. Or something about a woman determined to do what her husband told her, in an ominous kind of way. Then I noticed the size, which was too small, so I thought it was comedy. Although I had to reach the ending to confirm it was comedy, indeed. It is a brilliant little story.


*DropR* Characters- settings You start off pretty strongly, stating immediately what Karen is trying to do, and how much she has not paid any attention to her husband. Just the"wah wah wah" part made me realize that it starts to become humorous. So, I went on. Karen looks like your typical young wife who decides to prove her husband wrong. She seems truly determined, so your title is completely justified. As for the settings, it is clearly stated that she stands in her driveway, and it is enough for the story to continue.


*DropY* Development You started by saying first what was on Karen's mind, how she didn't pay attention to her husband, but she was determined to make it through anyway. Then, there came the real confrontation with the battery itself. How to change the battery with no instructions. And the conclusion, which I didn't see coming, was so funny and clever.


*DropG* NotesIt is a very clever little story and I enjoyed it greatly. One small mistake, though, "yer battery", I guess it is "the battery" or "your battery". You might want to fix that, because it stops the flow in a very pivotal moment.


*DropP* Favorite lines "Of course, he could’ve handed her a brick covered in plastic and she wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference." I found it hilarious, it reminded me of myself.*Blush*
And of course, the nonchalant and manipulating last sentence, which was the cleverest line I read in quite some time.


Thank you for sharing. Best wishes, *RainbowR*


*Beach* Susan


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Review by abbyer
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*




Hello, Mage.
This is a review for "The day you were born"


*Dropb* Loving, sensitive, beautiful, magical, heart-warming. That is all I can say about your poem. It describes beautifully the emotions that are brought to the life and soul of a woman when she becomes a mother. I would go even farther and say that it applies to all the people who become parents, in whichever way, because the beauty of finally being a parent is undescribable and universal.

*Dropg* "On the day you were born
I believed in magic
Of purple ponies and secret unicorns and funny pirates"
This was my favorite picture *Smile*. Once the kids grow a bit older, their whole world starts revolving around ponnies and pirates and colors. So it's good if a mom starts believing in magic long before they do.


Thank you for sharing. Keep writing.
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Review of 2 Minutes to Live  
Review by abbyer
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*




Hello, Jess.
This is a review for "2 minutes to live"


*Dropb* Hi, it's me again. I don't seem to be able to stop reviewing items in your port. It is fascinating. *Smile*


*Dropg* It is another impressive short story, that unfortunately ends again with a sharp knife. Having read all of your stories so far, I understand it makes a big impact, but maybe try some other weapon? Just for a change. But of course this is just my suggestion, not something you definitely have to do. *Smile*

*Dropy* The first time I read it, I found a bit peculiar the fact that no capital letters were seen anywhere in the story. Not even the "I"s. When I reread it, I understood that the lack of capitals is just adding to the whole breathlessness thing that seeps from the piece, and it makes it seem more haste and quiet. I don't know if this is what you were aiming for. The same goes for the short sentences that sometimes lack verbs. It works pretty well, the reader probably ends up panting, too, the same as your character.


Once again, great job.Keep writing.
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