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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/abcoach21
Review Requests: ON
69 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Elle ! After reading "That horse has bolted I would like to share my observations. These observations are my personal views and you are free to respond as you see fit.

General comments:

         As a general introduction, LGBT stories are not my forte and yet I was interested in reading this story. It was certainly intriguing and I was looking forward to how you were going to handle the "coming out" part of the story. I think that the manner in which you have handled the topic in this story was well thought out and sensitive. Well done.

Characterization:

         I believe from your story that there were four main characters, Mike, Jack, Sam, and Riley. I also believe that, except for Sam, the others were all brothers. I must admit that I did struggle a little bit with trying to work out who was what at times. I think that if you could consider either increasing the diversity between the characters, or whether there is a requirement for all four characters, may help me to better understand the individual stakes of each character in the story. Also, I felt that there was no single character that I, as a reader, needed to root for and thereby increase my own stakes in this story.
         You made use of dialogue quite extensively in order to move the story along and this certainly made the story interesting to read. I do, however, wonder whether men, or boys, would talk so much about their feelings in this way, especially when it is something as controversial and threatening as announcing that they are gay. I thought that you had a nice section of the story where they are considering whether it is the alcohol talking or whether it was genuine. Perhaps playing a bit more on the double-meaning here would help with some more self-talk from Sam.

Setting:

         From your story I had the impression that they were out in the wilds somewhere alone. I did wonder though whether this was in the nineteenth century American West, or whether it was a bit more modern. If there were a few more hints along the way, it may help me to understand where in the world I am.

Plot:

         Right from the description of your story through to the end, it was a story of someone inadvertantly telling his friends that he was gay. There was a clear path from start to finish what was happening and what was going to happen and that was satisfying for me. I also liked the way you used alcohol to enable you to be able to broach the topic you were exploring. Added to this was the fact that it is certainly true that people will swear undying love and affection to everyone around then when they are under the influence. Nice work there.

In conclusion, I believe that if you consider beefing up the uniqueness of each of your characters and strengthen the realism of the story through setting, you will have an excellent story to share.


         *Star* Finally, I would like to thank you for taking the time to create and share this item.*Star* Keep writing and I look forward to seeing more of your work. *Star*

Cheers,
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of The Contractor  
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Eogin . This is a review from abcoachnz-Sometimes around !

After reading "The Contractor that I found on the Review Requests page, I have the following comments to offer. Please note that these are my personal reactions and observations. I acknowledge that this is your story and you should remain true to it.

*ButtonV*Overall Impression:

         You have asked for my comments in relation to this being a contest entry. Firstly, I wish you all the best in that.
         I enjoyed the story as it is one of my favorite genres and therefore the images you were creating were familiar to me.

*Pencil*Characters:

         Your two main characters, Maya and ?? (I do not see who your other main character is) are well defined and it was easy for me to picture both of them. The dialogue that you used was consistent with the characters. Well done.

*Heart*Plot:

         From my understanding, the plot was one of post-apocalyptic Earth where there is a cleanup crew intent on getting away from this job. Evidently, he succeeds and is awarded a new posting.
         I was a little hard-pressed to identify the key climactic point of the story, although I would assume that it is where he receives notification that he is going to a new, better location.

*Pencil*Description:

         Your descriptions in the story are succinct and to the point. That is well done as you are able to keep the story moving forward throughout. Well done.

*Apple*Title, Description, Beginning, and End:

         The title to your story is fitting and I was able to reference it a couple of times through reading the story to understand the underlying premise of your story. Also, the title is nice and short that makes it memorable.
         The description of your story probably could do with a bit of a rewrite. Even though this is a contest entry, I think that we probably need to look at using this space to entice readers to read the story. Sort of like an elevator pitch for the story. It will also probably give you an opportunity to set some of the scene for the reader prior to them reading the story.
         I also wonder whether the first two paragraphs are really the true start of your story, or is it when your main character comes out onto the roof. I know it is important to ensure that the setting is properly detailed, but this could have been incorporated into the narrative later on. Questions I would be asking is why the roof and not the ground?
         Your ending certainly concluded the story on a positive note and I am assuming the reference there was to Star Trek.

         Finally, I would like to say that I enjoyed this story and appreciate that you have given me the opportunity to provide my opinion on it. However, remember that it is your story and I would encourage you to keep going. All the best for the contest.

abcoachnz-Sometimes around


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3
3
Review of Night Breathers  
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Sarah

Please accept this review as my personal reaction to your story that I found when searching through the horror genre pages on WDC. I am completing this as part of "The Challenge. My suggestions are simply my own personal opinion as it is your story to tell.

Initial Response:

         I found this story a relatively easy read as the narrative flowed from beginning to end.

Plot:

         My understanding of the plot was that it was about a town that had a very peculiar ancestor that the town continued to remember. You then introduced this man's direct offspring and given the time period, created a sense of suspense into how this could have happened. From the narrative, I believe that you were working to repeat the two timelines in a manner of saying that history repeats itself.
         I would suggest that you review the narrative details and possibly strengthen the connection between the previous event and the current event to help drive the story from start to finish.

Character(s):

         Your story had a number of characters throughout. By the end of the story, I had a very clear understanding of who the people were and where they had come from. You also included some interesting bits of information about each of the characters.
         Can I recommend that you review each of the characters in your story and identify what each of them brought to the story.

Use of senses:

         I found your description easy to envision and you provided some lovely details about the scenes in your story. I could clearly smell the area and was particularly intrigued by the description of the "beady, blue cat eyes" at the start of the story. Throughout your story there were a number of places where your description was particularly interesting.

Once again, thank you for sharing this with me. Keep writing.


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4
4
In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
** Image ID #2039491 Unavailable **


Hi schnuj0! After reading "I'm a Benevolent Ruler I would like to share my observations. These observations are my personal views and you are free to respond as you see fit.

General comments:

I really enjoyed the flow of some of the rhythms you had in this piece. It was almost a Dr Seus type of prose that engaged me throughout the narrative. I also enjoyed some of your word choices that were certainly inspired. All in all I found that you were speaking directly to me and linking into all the things that I would consider important from a leader. Well done.

Structure:

The use of short paragraphs that were of similar length provided a nice flow to the piece. This allowed it to be an easy read and certainly complimented the details being provided. Although I did enjoy the reference to the length of your piece at the midpoint, I do wonder whether it was actually needed. You would want the reader to become engrossed with your narrative thaat they would not bother whether it was two thousand words or five thousand words.
         Given that you structured this into unique paragraphs that dealt with specific elements, can I suggest that you have a look at the various "Big ticket" items you were dealing with. Realigning the paragraphs into a flow that supports your desired structure could be of benefit. For example, going from the home out and then back to home, or from the most important to the least important could be an idea. I felt that the piece was written as the thoughts were occurring to you. p.3 - pets; p.4 - relationships; p.5 - home; p.6 - food; p9 - environment; p.11 - environment; p.17 - environment

Language:

This was one of the strengths of this piece in my opinion. Your ability to have the essay flowing in a natural way while at the same time as providing the built in rhythms was excellent.
         There were parts in your language where it appeared that you were trying to force the rhythm a little harder than what was necessary. This detracted from the lovely voice you had going throughout the narrative. There are the stores and the shops each open until ten. But who shall be running them, we’ll that will have to be decided then.

         *Star* Finally, I would like to thank you for taking the time to create and share this item.*Star* Keep writing and I look forward to seeing more of your work. *Star*
          Please note that this review has been completed in line with "Game of Thrones.

Cheers,
Fantasy signature image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of The 16:49  
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
** Image ID #2039491 Unavailable **


Hi Jordan Young ! After reading "The 16:49 I would like to share my observations. These observations are my personal views and you are free to respond as you see fit.

General comments:

The tagline of a train moving faster than life certainly intrigued me and I read the story with expectation. I found that you covered a lot of information in a very short space and therefore probably did not allow yourself to expand on some of what was happening in the story.
         Attempted suicide is not an easy topic to deal with and I think you did really well in providing enough so that I could understand what was happening. Well done.

Characterization:

There was not a lot of information provided about the characters. Except for picking up that your point of view character is a student and the other character has some issues, there was not anything more to go on. I think it would be useful if something further was provided to help me feel a little more about the characters. A suggestion would be to have your point of view character needing something more in the other town than just his results. Maybe even he gets a little irritated with the other characters sighing and scratching.

Setting:

The setting of the train certainly supported the story and the manner in which you linked the outward bound journey with the inward bound journey to the same train was well done. My suggestion here would be to consider bringing in the information about the brown spot earlier in the story so that when you recognise it on the return journey, the reader will do the same. Also, having been a train commuter for a long time, I know that we like to sit in the same carriage in the same seat when we are travelling, even if the train is a different one.

Plot:

The plot is a strong one and one that, as I have already mentioned, you dealt with effectively. I also liked the way that the ending was the only possible ending your story was leading us to. This does not say that it was predictable, because it was not, but that the train's sudden emergency stop could only have been because of a suicide attempt.


         *Star* Finally, I would like to thank you for taking the time to create and share this item.*Star* Keep writing and I look forward to seeing more of your work. *Star*
         Please note that this review has been completed in line with "Game of Thrones.

Cheers,
~~Image ID# 2025383's Content Rating Exceeds Item Content Rating~~


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6
6
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
** Image ID #2039491 Unavailable **


Hi BlueMoon ! After reading "Life as we knew it I would like to share my observations. These observations are my personal views and you are free to respond as you see fit.

General comments:

Once again you have intrigued me with this story. Although I was able to understand that it is a post-apocalyptic story, I was more entertained by the interaction between your two characters than with the wider world. I did feel, about half way through the story that you changed the dialogue flow and this caused me to have to read the lines several times before I realized this. Perhaps it would be an idea to consider some way to remedy this while at the same time as keeping the flow and the pause in time.

Characterization:

Using only dialogue to create your characters is not easy. However, I think that you have managed to achieve this and I could clearly hear the two voices as they spoke. Also, using the repetitive nature of their names in the dialogue helped in that. I do wonde3r whether this is in fact the way that they would speak to each other as it did sound a little like reality television, "Now I am going to do this while you (name) do that."

Setting:

Although not much is said about their setting, I had the clear impression that they were in some form of small bunker. I do not know exactly how they got there or how cramped it truly was, but I had no difficulty picturing the bleak environment. Well done.

Plot:

This story included an intriguing end that prompted a number of questions for me. Using this allowed me to revisit the story you had developed here and try to work out how the events took place and what was involved.


         *Star* Finally, I would like to thank you for taking the time to create and share this item.*Star* Keep writing and I look forward to seeing more of your work. *Star*
         Please note that this review has been completed in line with "Game of Thrones.

Cheers,
~~Image ID# 2025383's Content Rating Exceeds Item Content Rating~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of Mega Berry  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #2039491 Unavailable **


Hi BlueMoon ! After reading "Mega Berry I would like to share my observations. These observations are my personal views and you are free to respond as you see fit.

General comments:

I really enjoyed this story. It was both comedic and intriguing and it brought several smiles to my face. This was especially the case when I pictured the poor old strawberry feeling a little lonely for company. It was also a brief story that meant it was a quick read. There was also a nice lyrical tone to the prose that helped draw me into the story. Well done.

Characterization:

Although your story focused on the giant strawberry, I do not think that you were striving for strong characterization in this story. It was rather one where the situation in itself was significant. However, at the same time, I do not think that any of the characters lacked anything given the story you were telling.

Setting:

I had the sense as I was reading this of a scene out of The Simpsons, or something. This situation you described was one that I could quite easily havce seen in one of those episodes. I wonder whether there woiuld have been an opportunity to expand a little more on the setting, especially given the strange environment you were describing. However, having said that, I did enjoy the way you described some of the features within the story and the way you described what was occurring from place to place.

Plot:

Your plot was a simple flow through of coase and effect. Because of what happened to an insignificant strawberry, there were a whole lot of ramifications that occurred. It was, in part, difficult to keep up with the changes that were occurring within the story.


         *Star* Finally, I would like to thank you for taking the time to create and share this item.*Star* Keep writing and I look forward to seeing more of your work. *Star*
         Please note that this review has been completed in line with "Game of Thrones.

Cheers,
~~Image ID# 2025383's Content Rating Exceeds Item Content Rating~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
In affiliation with 30-Day Bloggers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #2039491 Unavailable **


Hi Whata WorkinOnIt ! After reading "Invalid Item I would like to share my observations. These observations are my personal views and you are free to respond as you see fit.

General comments:

I am truly intrigued with this activity. The one thing that it appeals to me is that it allows me to share my opinion without the concern of having to be politically correct. You also reinforce this idea through repeating several times that you are looking for the participants opinion and that their opinion needs to be strong. I also enjoyed your use of colour and type and images throughout the activity to maintain my interest and keep me engaged till the end.

Rules and Regs:

The rules and conditions of entry are clear and easily understandable. As you know, being able to understand what is required for each activity helps to ensure the level of engagement is high. Also, the rules are limited to the important elements, allowing for the participants to engage their own judgement when submitting their entries.

Rewards:

I think that the level of rewards is generous and will certainly encouraga people to take part. One element that I really liked was the fact that you could see how many people had submitted an entry, thereby getting confirmation that the prizes are all available for distribution.

Submission and feedback:

The manner in which you have participants submit their entry is also a novel idea. Giving them an opportunity to provide you with some form of blurb in association with their entry gives the participants another opportunity to sell their opinion as well as have some practice of creating blurbs, which is considered one of the challenges for writers. Well done.


         *Star* Finally, I would like to thank you for taking the time to create and share this item.*Star* Keep writing and I look forward to seeing more of your work. *Star*
         Please note that this review has been completed in line with "Game of Thrones.

Cheers,
Fantasy signature image
9
9
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi KnightScribe ! After reading "Daring Knights Of Haven I would like to share my observations. These observations are my personal views and you are free to respond as you see fit. I am also not going to provide any feedback on the grammar as this can be resolved at a later date, but will focus my feedback on the "Big ticket" elements as I see them.

General comments:

From the genre rating, this story is a Teen read and I think that with younger characters, you have managed to allow this story to be relateable to that group. I also liked the fact that there was action throughout the story that maintained my interest.

Characterization:

From the detail provided, I was able to get a nice image of Derek, a somewhat weaker image of Kaylin and the surprise of the man at the end was unclear to me. I believe that if you could provide some increased focus on what the characters are thinking and feeling through the story, this would allow the characters to become more real to the reader. I found myself challenged in parts with answering the question "Why would he / she do that?", especially when Derek is saving the girl from drowning and then tying her ankle.

Setting:

I found the setting clearly described in most places and could easily picture the beach at the beginning and had some sense of the forest in the last scene. The description provided for the house was adequate, but I did find myself glossing over the description somewhat. Perhaps if there was a specific item in that setting that holds meaning for Derek would help with the setting. I also found that his journey through the shipwreck to be quite fast and was therefore unsure about the things he was finding. Your shopping-list style for the items found could possibly be summarized a little bit, or detail added to provide a reason for noting the items.

Plot:

I definitely found the plot intriguing and was asking myself throughout what is going to happen next. You were therefore able to keep me wanting more. I am certainly interested to know what happens next, what does the man have to do with it, and is Kaylin going to be able to get away or not.


         *Star* Finally, I would like to thank you for taking the time to create and share this item.*Star* Keep writing and I look forward to seeing more of your work. *Star*
         Please note that this review has been completed in line with "Game of Thrones.

Cheers,
~~Image ID# 2025383's Content Rating Exceeds Item Content Rating~~
** Image ID #2039491 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi Dragyn . This is a review from abcoachnz-Sometimes around !

After reading "The Existence of Humans that I found while browsing your portfolio, I have the following comments to offer. Please note that these are my personal reactions and observations. I acknowledge that this is your story and you should remain true to it.

*ButtonV*Overall Impression:
         I was certainly intrigued by the story and found it and enjoyable quick read. I also enjoyed the premise of the story and its brevity.

*Pencil*Characters:
         I enjoyed the way you ensured that the story did not become too confusing by means of keeping the cast small. It provided me with a clear understanding of each character and what their role was in the story. I do wonder though what the impact would be if there was a little more differentiation between the characters to reinforce their own uniqueness.

*Apple*Dialogue:
         Your story included a great deal of dialogue and it was this dialogue that propelled the story forward. You also included some key speaking tags that allowed me to remain aware of who was speaking the whole time. This helped to ensure that I did not lose my place in the story.
         

*Heart*Plot:
         I struggled a little with the plot of the story. I definitely felt that the story was moving somewhere and I was looking forward to seeing where you were going to take us. I understand that you wanted to create an unexpected ending through having the Professor sit down with the book and ask a question, but I am a little perplexed as to why he would do that? Having chased the two characters, I would have expected him to be ushering them back to the party, but he does not. I would also wonder about the why of the story.

*Mountains*Description:
         I think that this story can be improved through reviewing some of the descriptions you have provided. I did not get a sense of what the hall looked like, so I found myself drifting a little in the netherworld, unless that is where I was meant to be. Also, you indicated that there was a ghost and a ghoul, but I wonder what they looked like. My impression of them would be different to yours and why would they need clothing? I also wondered whether the hall was lighted or in darkness, or maybe there was a green hue or purple designer shapes?

*Ornament1B*Title, Description, Beginning, and End:
         I think that your story did have a good structure to it. There was a clear beginning and ending. I thought the title could possibly find a refresh rewarding as it is currently a little matter of fact. Something to pique the interest of the reader might be more suitable.

         Once again, thank you for making your story available. If you desire, I will be happy to provide a further review if you choose.

*Flowerw* This is review from "WdC Kind Hearts *Flowerw*


abcoachnz-Sometimes around


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi JessCarsen . This is a review from abcoachnz-Sometimes around ! After reading "My Aunt is Bonkers that I found on the Reviewing page, I have the following comments to offer. lease note that these are my personal impressions.

*ButtonV*Overall Impression:

As a personal story directed to your diary, I found the narrator's voice strong and clear. You were also able to demonstrate some strong non-verbal feelings through the story that added to the suspense of the story.

*Pencil*Suggestions:

My only recommendation would be to have a look at the words you are using. I wonder whether you could engender more sympathy from the reader through word choice,
eg. Remember three days ago, when I went out to collect the groceries, she ran off to tell the neighbours that I had killed a man and was in the process of dismembering his body in the bathroom upstairs?

could be rewritten as:
Just like the other day when I went to fetch the groceries. My so called 'Aunt' told the neighbours I had killed a man and was busy cutting him up in the bathroom.


*Heart*What I Like:

I enjoyed the brevity of the story and the way you were able to get to the climax of the story without sacrificing narrative. *StarfishB*

abcoachnz-Sometimes around


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of I'm Happy  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

Hi NathanQ7 }! After reading "I'm Happy I would like to share my observations. These observations are my personal views and you are free to respond as you see fit.

General comments:

         The story was intriguing and it had be gripped right from the start. I really found myself been drawn through the story, wanting to find out what happened next. *StarfishR*

Characterization:

         I thought that your two characters were very well developed and it was clear from the writing that you had a vivid image of each of them. This came across in the description you provided. I was also impressed with the way you described the happy fellow and the way his appearance changed. *StarfishR*
         I did find though that with the level of detail you provided of the characters, I needed to pause and reread the description a couple of times to ensure that I had the same image you were wanting me to have. This pulled me out of the stary and prevented my own imagination from working. *Smile* I also found the description quite long and reading it on screen meant that I lost my place a couple of times. I would recommend that you think about breaking up the description a little and providing only the pertinent details to the reader. *QuestionV* Let us work for our enjoyment.
         I also commend you on keeping the number of characters to a minimum and the ending with the potential introduction of a new character certainly created some more intrigue. *StarfishR*

Setting:

         The setting you created was easy to visualize with a common view. After all, everyone has probably seen either in person or at the movies, an alleyway. Your details provided allowed me to become grounded in the scene. *StarfishR* I do wonder though whether there is an opportunity to make this location a little more unique. After all, there is something strange going on here and through layering of some relevant details, this sense of mystery and strangeness can be developed a little more.

Plot:

         The plot of your story was easy to follow and straight forward. *StarfishR* The way you drove your story meant that I was intrigued from the start through to the end. I also enjoyed the double jeopardy ending you provided. *StarfishR*
         My thought is that I do think that the ending, when I arrived at it, was possibly a little predictable. I am also curious about why it would be that your protagonist, after seeing this person shoot themselves, be so willing to accept the hat that was thrown at him. There is probably more to it than that, but I think your plot has suffered a little from this. *Smile*

All in all though, I enjoyed reading the story and spending my time captivated in the world of your character.


         *Star* Finally, I would like to thank you for taking the time to create and share this item.*Star* Keep writing and I look forward to seeing more of your work. *Star*

Cheers,
Fantasy signature image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of Debt Collection  
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Ginevra Navazio . This is a review from abcoachnz-Sometimes around ! After reading "Debt Collection, I have the following comments to offer. Please note that these are my personal reactions to your story and as such, you are free to accept my comments or not.

*ButtonV*Overall Impression:
         I found that there was a lot going on in this story with a large number of scenes. It did ensure that the story kept moving forward. I also enjoyed having to rely on my own imagination to keep focused on the story and to maintain an awareness of what was taking place all through the story.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
         In total, I counted 7 characters that played a part in your story. Given the length of your story and the resulting brevity you needed to give each character, I felt that the cast was possibly too much. I would recommend either looking to trim the cast back or to expand the story so that you could develop the characters a little more. Questions relating to each character's motivation in the story would help me understand why they are there.
         With all the action taking part in the story, I felt that there was an over-reliance on telling rather than showing. Some of the scenes in the story were covered off in a couple of paragraphs and in the end I do wonder whether the story would be adversely affected if they were eliminated from the story. For example, the drive from Dillon's house to William's house.
         In parts through the story I was a little confused about which POV you were using, causing me to be taken out of the story as I tried to figure out who I needed to be concerned about at that point. For example, the paragraph that starts, "Anna attempted to curl into a tight ball, ..." speaks firstly about Anna and then moves onto Bubba. I suggest using scene breaks to indicate to the reader that they are on a new POV.
         I would suggest that you review the opening paragraph of your story. After the initial sentence that sets the scene, you then provide several sentences of backstory that could possibly be incorporated as sub-text through the dialogue that transpires between the father and Anna. This would, in my opinion, help to increase the stakes of the story.

*Heart*What I Like:
         I read this story because I was intrigued by the premise of the story. I also think that you have managed to include some nice action scenes into the story that can certainly help to increase the tension of the story. I think that I was certainly kept reading the story to the end is evidence for me that I was interested in seeing what happened next.

         Once again, thank you for sharing this story with me and I hope to see a lot more from you in the future. Also, if you do edit this story, I would be more than happy to revisit my feedback and provide you with an update.

abcoachnz-Sometimes around


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of Colours of Space  
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi J.N. Moore . This is a review from abcoachnz-Sometimes around ! After reading "Colours of Space that I discovered on the search pages, I have the following comments to offer:

*ButtonV*Overall Impression:
         The language used throughout this piece was hard to comprehend and this slowed me down. I understand that the effect was to utilize the voice of academic, medical practitioners. However, I needed to pause and focus on each word separately in order to understand the piece, detracting from the potential enjoyment of, what was effectively a horror story in the flavor of Frankenstein.
         There were some places where I enjoyed the humor that had been created, complimented by the use of the language. This humor was, I believe, subtle and used to quite nice effect in places.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
         My main suggestion here would be to work on developing a smoother flow to the narrative. The reliance on long words and academic-speak resulted, for me, in a narrative that I found hard to follow.
         I wonder whether these are his personal journal entries or whether it is meant to be a scientific repository of observations. If the former, then I would like to see more of his personal feelings coming through in the form of natural language. If the latter, then I would not expect the descriptions that were used (eg. lie, on that flat, surgical-cold table)

*Apple*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
         In general, I found the punctuation and grammar to be reasonable, even though I do not profess to be particularly knowledgeable in this area. There were some parts where I was not sure of whether it was your deliberate action to create the images or whether there was a break in the grammar rules, but I have highlighted some of them as follows:
Once embalmed with the essence of her stillborn life, my darling Patricia will once more stay in the company of her once warm breath.
Propped up against the surgical table, Patricia was now next to as alive as she would ever be
My body fell back and onto the floor in amazement.

*Heart*Conclusion:
         I certainly found this story interesting and was eager to read through to the end to see what would transpire. I certainly commend you with the effort that you made in creating this story and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

         Please note that these are my personal views and you are free to accept or not any of the observations made.

abcoachnz-Sometimes around


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15
15
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hi DHB }. This is a review from abcoachnz-Sometimes around ! After reading "A Teacher's need for attention, I have the following comments to offer:

*ButtonV*Overall Impression:

In the erotic genre, the idea of teacher / pupil relationships is always intriguing and it was my curiosity with this that drew me initially to your story.
The story had a definite flow to it that was easy to follow and I was able to follow the narrative quite easily.
My overarching sense of this story is that it is an initial draft and with some further work on the details, it could quite easily become a fabulous piece of escapism fiction.

*Pencil*Suggestions:

I have some suggestions that I believe could imnprove my enjoyment of the story.

*Penv* Consider giving your characters names. In my experience, there is nothing that provides a connection between reader and story more than when they have a named character to relate to.
*Penv* Think about utilising a more forceful point of view through this story. If that is the teacher (Miss Dozer), then consider how you would structure each sentence / paragraph from her perspective. How is she feeling? Why is she doing what she is doing? etc.
*Penv* Consider the job each of your words is doing in this story. There are some areas where eliminating your adverbs will strengthen, I believe, your story. For example:
Suddenly getting up she goes to her bedroom and shuffles under her bed to find her own, blue vibrator.
could be rewritten as:
Getting up, she hurried through to her bedroom, searching under her bed to find her blue companion.
*Penv* Consider how you have used tenses throughout this piece. I found several places where the story changed from present tense to past tense without any need for this. Keeping the story in the present tense throughout will, I believe, heighten the tension and excitement that I think you are looking to develop.

*Apple*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:

As I have already mentioned, there are a number of areas where you need to review your work for consistency. I thought it will be better for me to simply highlight a few places where I believe you need to consider making changes. I have made my suggestion in red.

After a minute of boring documentaries, she notices that she has packed the student's drawing,
She coughed off thoughts of her doing such actions, as she then looked back at the student, who wasgiving her a smile as she looked at him again.
As The drawing was a detailed picture of her masturbating away at her desk in nothing but her underwear, with a begging expression as if she wanted and loved it.

*Heart*What I Like:

I liked the story concept. I also enjoyed where this story could be leading to and, especially since you end the story by indicating there will be a part 2, I am certainly looking forward to seeing what further antics your main characters will get up to.

Keep going.



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16
16
Review of No New Mail  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi Elle ! After reading "No New Mail that I found through "For Authors Newsletter (January 29, 2014) I would like to share my observations. These are only my personal observations, so please accept those items you consider applicable and feel free to discard the rest with prejudice.


Overall Impression:

This is a short piece that you wrote in response to a contest and as such needed to fit in a lot of information into a small space. I felt that you achieved this admirably without detracting from the actual story line. *Star* I also want to commend you on your ability to remain true to the prompt of the contest, although I did need to read the whole story to understand it fully. *Star* I did though, get a sense of this about half way through when you discuss the IP address. *Star*

Imagery:

The writing style you had here gave me a distinct impression of the March hare in Lewis Carrol's Alice in Wonderland. This helped in creating the sense of urgency. *Star* You also reinforced this impression by repeating the I was so late, so late. Oh dear, oh dear quite effectively. *Star* At times through this piece I almost found myself singing along to the rhythm of the prose and almost tried to preempt the narrative as well. (Not effectively, I might add.)

General comments:

I thoroughly enjoyed this story and hope you had some success with it in the contest.

My recommendation, or suggestion, would be to consider enhancing the rhythm of the language a little more through the development of the conflict, first with the guard and then with the room. Who knows, maybe the respondent behind the first door is a virus?


*Star* Thank you for taking the time to create this item.*Star* I enjoyed reading it.


Cheers,
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17
17
Review of The Flea Bank  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Enclosed 20,000GPs with a request for a "Political" MB

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18
18
Review of DRIVE-IN  
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi Ben Garrick ! After reading "DRIVE-IN, I offer you these comments:

These comments are my personal opinion based upon my reading of your story. As such, you are free to ignore those items you feel are not relevant to your story.

Story Strengths:

The story was easy to read and follow. There were also some interesting moments and some nice humor interspersed throughout the prose.

It was also easy to discern between the various characters that allowed the story to be easily understood. Their motivations in the story was also clear.

Suggestions:

There is a lot of action going on in the story and you have moved from one scene to another very quickly. Although this helps with keeping the pace of the story moving, I found it difficult to realize where I was at some points through the story.

I wonder whether the information you provide in the first few paragraphs of the story, which is fundamentally backstory, could be better included throughout the story. This will give you the opportunity to start with the dig at you brother's friends girlfriend, as I believe this is the real start of your story.

I would also suggest that you could include more dialogue between the characters. This will help enhancing their various characters more.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work!

December First Chapter Contest - CLOSED  (13+)
Contest for first chapters from NaNoWriMo 2013 novels. Contest is CLOSED and being judged.
#1953328 by abcoachnz-Sometimes around

> Cheers,
> abcoachnz-Sometimes around


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19
19
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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20
20
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Jeannie🦃 .

It is always fascinating to read why other people feel the urge to write and your story highlighted some of the key events in your life that demonstrated your passion for writing. The honesty and openness about this piece is obvious and I commend you for getting this story out there. I certainly get the impression of a fearful little girl hiding behind their writing.

Your story here s one of a number of individual anecdotes about key events that have been highlighted quite briefly and it appears as a brief synopsis of your life. I would have enjoyed being able to connect more with your story through considering the scenes you describe similar to how you described the schoolhouse.

Otherwise, I enjoyed reading this. Well done.


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21
21
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi ! After reading "'Don't call me Shirley!', I offer you these comments:


Story Strengths:

Using an incident in trying to deal with the public service, especially the IRS is a fertile area to develop a story with humor as we can all relate to the frustration one has in dealing with them. Your story captures this nicely and especially the way you relate your reactions to the incident.

Suggestions:

You have a lot of material here that can be used to develop the incident and the growing frustrations you were experiencing quite nicely. I would suggest that you develop this further through providing increased narrative of your reactions to the various indignities you were required to face.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:

There were a couple of places where your punctuation needs to be updated. For example I said to myself ,"My first name ....

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work!


> Cheers,
> abcoachnz-Sometimes around


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