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Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Honestly, Max, could you write something that's not impressive?

Christmas hovered just a week away and tawdry holiday decorations clung to the walls - wording is perfect -- flows - describes- brings me there


Maggie didn't quite cringe at Karen Cook's saccharine soprano. "Now, Susan. That's not very charitable, you know." Karen, as Pastor Dan's spouse, took her church duties quite to heart - we have 2 "quite"s pretty close together here - and I'm not real sure what you mean exactly by maggie didn't quite cringe - did she suppress her inclination to cringe?

o he won't be cold on Chrithmath eve in the manger." = eve/Eve

A salvo of goodbyes from Pastor Dan generated a chorus of - i have to say i always learn something from you -- I don't think i've ever heard the word salvo -- I admit i had to look it up (some english teacher I am, huh) - I'm a lover of certain words and I find myself liking it a lot -- on another note - i think you have an extra space after generated.

I love the mixture of the lyrics and the resolution at the end. it was brilliant.

Your characterization was great -- protagonist - antagonist -- the characters were so real i just wanted to punch some of them.

By your description of the church, songs, people - I felt as if you must have been a member at the church I attended growing up.

A joy to read.

Thanks for sharing,
Audra
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77
Review of Heavenly Bells  
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey Ken,

i'm guessing this was in a newsletter, because I found it in my favorites list but yet hadn't reviewed it.

this makes me wish for the Christmas season, especially with the 107 degree temps we are having.

your rhyme is great.

I loved the history behind the bells. I had no idea. It is rare that a poem moves and educates me -- you have done both cleverly.

the message too resonates well - it comes with ease, not forced upon the reader -- as if we melt into it.

You are a master of the pen, sir.

Thanks for sharing.
Audra
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78
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
you are so imaginative, Leger. You easily take us on a journey that seems quite believable though it shouldn't be.

I loved this line - it made perfect sense though I had never thought of the difference in height of leprechauns
He was a tall leprechaun as far as leprechauns go, not as short as the cobbler-type, but a taller type like one who goes about the business of teaching the jig.

"Aye, right away Sir." - comma after away too.


"Hello my friend! - comma after hello

you dolt! His, and his alone." - i think you are missing a space before His

His voice filled with warning "You would be quite sorry." - comma after warning

"Sláinte chugat Good health to you." and then downed his own drink. - period after you should be a comma since the sentence continues.

A nice central theme was clear and clever in this piece.

I enjoyed reading - thanks for sharing.

Audra
79
79
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This was indeed an interesting poem -- one that i went back and read several times - silently and aloud

The story is there -- quite unique -- I enjoyed the originality of it.

I have a couple of suggestions :

Was indited in a piece of paper - i think this is a typo or misspelling as I could not find the word - indited

A flirty wind defenestrated the paper - in such a poem be careful of using the same word more than once -- work for synonyms.

As I took the last sip. - throughout the poem there is no punctuation which is fine - writer's choice - but I would delete the period just to keep it consistent

Many of your lines start with the same word. for example: A fortnight later I got a phone call

A pretty voice asked for me - while sometimes this can give a certain rhythm - in most cases it creates a choppiness - or makes the reader feel as if they are rereading a line.

Nice uniqueness -- i enjoyed it.

Audra
80
80
Review of I Stumbled  
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very creative and packed with real emotions. I think everyone on here can obviously relate.

e a golden door finally opening up and on the other side of that door are writing angles; - i think you mean angels

I love your "voice" style in this. It is like having a conversation with you -- relaxed and natural.

Also, your use of figurative language - metaphor and simile - to create imagery and understanding for the reading is quite strong.

Very nice job and welcome to WDC!

audra
81
81
Review of God's Telephone  
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What now? - i would italacize this so it is clear it is your thoughts and not just a quotation typo

There should be replacement mothers for people like me—clones to take a shift or two of motherhood - i'm always warned about starting with There -- maybe Replacement mothers should be available for people like me

Wendy looked at me with sorrow-lanced eyes like she appreciated a mother's pain - i really don't know on this one -- sorrow-lanced or sorrow-laced -- lanced to me is like cutting but i'm sure there are more definitions

damming tears before they spilled. - i was unclear with the wording which damning/damming you meant -- to me it was like you were cursing the tears for coming so damning but then breaking through a dam - spills things too

"No, no. It's fine. Please, just go." - my personal belief - is she wouldn't be able to say "it's fine" - because nothing is fine in her world anymore -

Was life worth living without Max—without Jake, without anyone? - Jake? is this the father

Another beautifully written- worded - story. You pulled me right in -- it is just my son and I - so after reading this I had to go hug him tightly.

The call and the lights flickering did not seem unbelievable at all - you wrote it in a way that it was plausible and the reader was experiencing it.
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82
Review of The Jesus Lizard  
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I haven't read this yet, but I have to tell you - Great title -- and i hardly EVER say that. I'm not one to get caught up on titles or characters' names - but
this one pulled me in.

He was a little guy, cute for a lizard, and fit in the palm of the hand - this had me ready to do a search for a lizard as a pet on the internet

What the heck, he was smaller than Champion the Ball Python. - this had me never wanting to visit your house lol

“Well, exactly how do we take care of it?” I asked. - I don't think you need the "i asked" here - i mean the question mark implies it.

imagining - - you taught me something here - I didn't think it was a real word lol - so i looked it up -- you are right!

." I just toss six of them critters into a bag and ‘ya gotta six-pack - extra space after the quotations

Mom, you have to stop this,” My oldest daughter said, - my should be lower case.

I hate mice - i mean detest hate! but even I wouldn't want to go through that and torture them.

We had a ferret once too - they are fun -- ours was sooooo sweet.

Another well-written story. It feels true -- if it's not you did a great job faking it.

Very relatable characterization.

Great job!

Audra
83
83
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very cute -- Nice visual - a bull at the library creating a story. I think all ages would smile upon reading this story.

It's a fun read - one that encourages imagination without taxing the brain too much. I would like to know the Bull's name - well, I guess it is Hooves of Fire - though a nickname.

I think the human left because she was angry that bull's had more priveleges than she did - lol.

again, a cute story I enjoyed reading.

Audra
84
84
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I, too, loved Patrick Swayze. And I have to say Johnny Depp's versatility continues to amaze me. You have great choices in entertainments. though patrick lost his battle with cancer, he left a great legacy for us. From Ghost to The Outsiders and Dirty Dancing - he was a class act packed with talent.

Thanks as always for sharing!

Audra
85
85
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I thought this had great rhythm and rhyme to it. It created a clear visual of a mother comforting a fretting child. It is something most can relate to.

Very well-written. There were no parts that I stumbled on. I especially loved the first four lines - they really pulled me in.

Audra
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86
Review of Family  
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
it seems you are missing a space after your commas throughout the poem. I dream about you Rachel,and see you as you grow

She'll be in time,perhaps,who knows?even better than the rest - I would replace the ? with a comma

Okay, this piece caught me off guard - not in a bad way mind you. But I did wonder about claire - my first thought is that she has a mental illness - perhaps my mind went there because that is what has happened in my own family and it has been terribly hard on the other sisters and for that matter my mother to try to keep some balance.

In any event, I'm sure this poem is priceless to Rachel. Just taking the time to verbalize what you wish for her and the family will mean more than you realize.

Thank you for sharing.

Audra
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Review of The Intruders  
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
lol - good ol' Spongebob -- I am curious what the prompt was. this is a cute little story - the character's stay true to their creators. it has all the elements of a story. rising action, climax, resolution, ect.

It had been a busy day, he made so many burgers that his spatula didn’t cool off the entire shift. - the comma should be a semi-colon as it is it's a run-on

There was a light coming from inside her tree house, which brought him concern. - i've been told to try not to start sentences with there - It could easily be changed to "Light came from inside her tree house, which caused him concern.

I don't watch much Spongebob if i can help it so I could be the reason i'm confused.; But sometimes you call it a dome and sometimes a treehouse -- oh wait, is the dome what they all live in?

and snuck inside to gaze inside the window. - see if you can replace one of the insides with another word - little confusing

To their surprise were four penguins playing poker and smoking cigarettes. - i would change it to four penguins were playing -- i had to reread this one

Spongbob and Patrick wondered how to get rid of the intruders - Spongebob

is a well known fact that penguins are afraid of the dark - well-known is a hyphenated word

It's cute and seemed like it was fun to write.

thanks for sharing!

Audra
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88
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This piece is soooooo true. I have a 15 year old son (I have always been so thankful I didn't have a girl lol). I have never been one of those mothers that cried his first day of school -- it's been more like every step is an adventure -- but lately, knowing he has only 3 years of high school left, i feel myself wanting to hold on tight to him - which of course is not appreciated. lol - I recently made the phone call you write about - telling my mother I was sorry for being mean when I felt she was "smothering" me - That i understood now.



For many years you will place
Her above all else
And she too will also think
Of no one but herself - this stanza is great --pure truth there.

at times I had a little trouble with the rhythm, but overall I enjoyed it immensely.

It's cute, it's true, it's well thought-out. Very clever!

Audra
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Review of A State of Mind  
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This poem is on a topic that I'm sure more people than would care to admit can relate to. I know I can at times.

I thought it was very insightful; the emotions are clearly desciribed. I particularly liked the I cannot see ahead nor can i see behind portion.

I have just 2 suggestions - and they aren't technical - just my opinion

There is no progress to be made - I would delete "there is" - to me they are unneeded and disrupt the flow and passion.

also, the last line - as i read it aloud i found myself wanting one more word in it to complete the rhythm -- maybe: I try to forge my lonesome way.

Just a couple of thoughts. It is well-written poem, and i enjoyed reading it.

Audra
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90
Review of Bluetooth Blues  
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Max recommended this to me a while ago, and I'm finally finding time for pleasure reading instead of "teacher reading". And it definitely was a pleasure.
I love a good laugh at human nature. The beauty of this piece is i can clearly see this happening. It is believable from the description to the dialogue.


Christopher's heart sang a silent song of yearning. - great personification

mouse-like vs cat-like - this is genius -- at first i was like they just used 'like' soooo repetitive - and then I found my brain was like --ahhhhhhhh soooo good.

This could just be me - apparently I'm having several blonde moments today - but at the beginning when you brought Trent in and the Bruce says hi professor. I hadn't paid that much attention to the names I guess because I thought trent was bruce now sitting beside chris. Maybe if you put something like trent walked through the door followed by Chris's friend bruce slouching his way to his seat. -- I don't know that's kind of wordy.

Names in dialogue
Always use a comma before and/or after the name when addressing someone directly in dialogue (even if the name isn’t a proper name).

"Hi Roxanne."

"Hi Christian."

"Hi Chris.

"Your eyes inspire me to whack poetic. - i didn't just laugh - I cackled out loud - hilarious --

"Well he's right. For sooth, - comma after Well


"Sure I do. You're almost as smart as me - okay I'm being picky here and it's just a thought -- If he's really that smart wouldn't he use correct grammar 'as smart as I'. I mean I do recognize that hardly anyone speaks that one correctly. It just doesn't sound right (at least here in Oklahoma)

A great story - I truly enjoyed it. I'm so glad Max recommended it.
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Review of Emma the Emo Emu  
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am always in awe of a good children's story. I think many people view them as easy to write; however, I believe it takes an incredible talent. Being about to get the vocabulary correct for the reading level, using enough description so their is a visual, but not so much the children lose interest, and sliding a good message in there. You have done all of these. At 43 years-old, I found myself rooting for Emma.

The theme was clear and relatable. Who has not at some time felt like something came easy to everyone else that we couldn't master? And been laughed at and/or encouraged by those around us.

such a delightful story!

A couple of edit suggestions:

‘I know,’ she said. ‘Don’t be so emotional Emma.
‘Are you ready Emma?’ Rosie asked On these two sentences there should be a comma before Emma.

I bet if you jump from it’s roof you’ll be high enough to fly.’ - its should not have an apostrophe in this case since it is not a contraction for it is or it has. its is one of those weird words that breaks the rule of needing an apostrophe when possessing something.


Emma the Emotional Emus feet barely - Emu's - since Emu owns the feet.

Great story!

Audra
92
92
for entry "Tales By A Campfire" 
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
lol - very strange stories, indeed. But they are interesting. I chose this one because Reese, my son, camped out at Lake Superior this week. He's not one for ghost stories though.

It's interesting the "tales" that are invented or true and passed on.

I'm with you on the looking around for escaped convicts -- anytime I'm in a strange place - I'm convinced I'm a CSI episode waiting to happen. I obviously watch a little too much television.

Thanks for always entertaining me.

Audra
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93
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
My gosh, you are an amazingly talented writer. I felt so many different emotions in such a short story. And to know you wrote this for Writing Cramp, which means the deadline was short is even more impressive.

Your dialogue is spot on - not just grammatically but the use of the dialect makes the story seem even real - I was "hearing" it, not reading it.

I admit at first I was mad/disappointed at Big Daddy's mishap (trying to not ruin the events for others) - I thought "You can't do that! You just made me love him." - I thought it was unneeded at first, but i realized it was incredibly needed. Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows.

I did find myself wondering how old Sally is - if you could work that in maybe when you are talking about the new school - like starting the 5th grade at a new school --- just a thought

Sally Johnson was going to school in two days and she was scared to death. - comma after days because both are independent clauses

Big Daddy put his arm around her and held her tight. “Baby girl, you gonna know fear all yo’ life. You gonna be scared when you get ready to leave this house and be on your own. You gonna be scared when me or your momma pass on in the night and you wonderin’ what to do next. You gonna be scared for the children that you gonna have one day: every step they take across the street, every time they go out. You gonna know fear. But the key to life is to face that fear head-on, and fight it. You gonna win sometimes, you gonna lose sometimes, but if you don’t take no chance at all, you gonna be lost all the days of your life. You understand what I’m saying to you, Sally?” - this paragraph is priceless -- I found my eyes tearing up especially on the 'scared for your children' - my son is away from me for a month and it's killing me! Then as I read more in the paragraph I felt inspired and empowered.

There were men on horses dressed in white, holding torches, and when they saw her, they bellowed a warning: - I've been told to try not to start a sentence with "there" in a story - that it becomes too passive. it could easily start with Men on horses, etc

Sally! You comin’ girl?” - comma after comin'

A year ago, she had almost been dead set about going to the white school. But not anymore. She knew the cost of fear, and she had decided that she was not going to pay it any longer. - you might add "against" after dead set - at first I thought it meant she had wanted to go and now she didn't.

I loved this -- the message, the characters, the reality - it embodied 'enjoying to read'.

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Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a cute story that I think everyone can relate to. Who hasn't had one of those days that you know will eventually be funny but at the time you just want to cry?

The bike part had me cringing - I don't know how to ride a bike (yeah, I know that's weird for a 43 year old) so I was especially feeling her pain.

I liked that the ending was not predictable - I thought for sure the meeting would be cancelled or she had the wrong day or something.

Just a couple of edit things;

if I was crazy while some smiled and waved. - I think you have an extra space before smiled

they looked so mean. - this would be a great spot for a simile or figurative language - they looked as mean as . . .

This isn’t so bad - missing a period here

I took out my presentation that I worked so hard on, and sighed. - to take out the repetitive of "my' in the paragraph you could change it to "the presentation"


I told him about my eventful morning - extra space before eventful

He said, after a while - he should be lower case

Great Job!" - job should be lowercase

Overall, I very well-written short story that I enjoyed!
Audra
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95
Review of BE STRONG  
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
And ther's no reason to move on - there's

Then you know man can't keep trust - I would make it "you'll" since all the others in this stanza are you'll

I liked this - I have to say it is not what I expected. I went to it because i needed a positive push today. I found myself dwelling on the hard times - nodding my head. On the second read through though, I got off my pity party and felt the strength and positivity behind it.

A nice poem - the repetition worked very well.

thanks for sharing.

Audra
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Review of Mind Workers  
Review by audra_branson
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I thought this was great!

I have a psych degree so as I read it I was like Hey I remember that stuff!

so original -- so telling.

I'm jealous that I didn't think of it lol -- that's a good thing.

The only thing I saw was placebo's, - it's plural not possessive so it shouldn't have an apostrophe.

Again, this was brilliant.

Audra
97
97
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
lol --- I love the pic!

Okay, I have to admit I haven't read any of it yet - because I'm scared since you said this is mostly true. Ken, I think you and I could do battle over the most disastrous blind date. Okay, here goes - i'm going to read.

She met me at her door in her dressing gown.
My brain suddenly switched from my up to my down. - thank you, ken -- i just sprayed my computer screen with coffee from busting out laughing


That is, until she mentioned several possibilities...
all which were followed by a discussion of her fees. - lol - okay I didn't see that one coming - and now the coffee came out my nose -- you need a disclaimer on this piece: do not drink beverages while reading.

Who cares about the dang meter (which seemed fine to me) when this is that funny.

Poor, poor, Ken.

I loved it, friend!

Audra
98
98
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Great use of dialect in dialogue It helps tell us sop much about the characters and you've done it where it sounds completely natural.

And they treated her like a queen for her what she did for them . - I thnk you have an extra "her" in this sentence.

It sure was sad when David died, -why does she call him David instead of Daddy?

See how they look the men look at the ladies? I think there are extra words in here

Since Thomas died, she hadn’t worked in years. - Was i supposed to know who Thomas is, or is it just showing the continual line of men?

Chris couldn,t have been any happier, - couldn't

I like this piece for a variety of reasons: First, it's entertaining, it is thought-provoking - it made me smile (well, a wicked smile) and if I allow my brain to think philosophically it shows how blindly we follow what our parents teach us - how influential they are -- we believe innocently and seek their praise, despite what the world may be saying.

Great job

Audra
99
99
Review of Twenty Wishes  
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
As I read this, once again I realized what a diverse person you are, but I also got to thinking about what a great project this would be to do every 5 or 10 years. some dreams change and others are always with us. To be able to look back and see what I wished for 20 years ago would be quite interesting.

I hope you get all your wishes and enjoy each one immensely, savoring the originality each experience brings. And, if for some reason a wish can not be granted, keep relishing in the dream.

audra
100
100
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I thought this was cute. i could visualize the adventure, and I saw no grammatical errors - yay! for attention to detail.

The only thing I might suggest is at the beginning give us more about the "war" between the birds and pigs - set it up a little more - perhaps with an action scene. that way we can feel the pigs' frustration and root for them even more.

I love the barn part - if most barns are like my dad's you could find anything you needed in there - no matter how strange.

Nice storytelling!

Audra
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