*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/abranson/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5
Review Requests: ON
2,059 Public Reviews Given
2,305 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 4 -5- 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
101
101
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wheather to Weatherize - in your title Whether is misspelled. oops

There it is! - usually, sentences starting with There should try to be avoided. this one works for me, but if you wanted to change it - it could be: It is here!

and dead leaves still cling to fifty percent of the tee limbs. - tee/tree

The lawn is six inches high with unmowed thick green grass and the garden rests depleted and sleeping - i love the personification here -- I would put a comma after grass sinced both phrases can stand alone.

As the earth orbits the sun the day length changes according to the tilt of the earth. The earth’s orbit allows only a certain amount of the sun’s rays to hit the Northern Hemisphere at each special season. As the earth revolves it moves us farther away from those warming sunrays and our days of sunlight in the northern USA grow shorter as the air grows daily colder. - the word "earth" in this paragraph becomes repetitive - you migh try rewording or using "it" in its place.

Instead of yesterdays cumulus congestive clouds - yesterday's should have an apostrophe since it is possessing clouds

Upon opening the door on my way to the horse barn the warning cry of Canada Geese out running the storm rends the air - comma after barn as it is an introductory phrase.

March, the sound of spring greet from the same geese will travel more cheerfully through a warmer atmosphere. - I think greet should be greeting

This is a nice descriptive essay. It is so making miss fall and winter, especially since I'm still "glistening" with perspiration from mowing part of the yard.

Your tieing in of the geese leaving and season changing is good.

Nice job!

Audra
102
102
Review of judging  
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I get where you are going here; and I do agree - I mean I want a world where we have breaking news over life's positive little achievements, not always disasters. However, I think your message might be misinterpreted and even put people on the defense by your use of qualifies - that ALL people do this -- it makes it seem, well, judgmental, and without hope.

Now to help you with your grammar:

Here is what you wrote. Under each paragraph, I will write the correction.

Judging why we all judging, we judge everyone's race by their face the way they dress,this world is one big f**kin mess we care more about what we hear rather than what we see.

Judging - why we all judge. We judge everyone's race by their face; we judge the way they dress. This world is one big (I would consider using a different adjective - I know you are going for intense effect/emotion here - but it is going to offend some) mess. We care more about what we hear, rather than what we see. (Isn't that line contradictory? - You just said we judge by their faces - which is sight.

the newspapers and magazines automatically makes us in to haters and fakers.we try to be slim and perfect like the photo shopped celebs what a bunch of plebz.

The newspapers and magazines automatically make us in to haters and fakers. We try to be slim and perfect like the photo-shopped celebs. What a bunch of (I don't know that next word).

we laugh at different races by peoples individuality, its like people don't have their own personality but at the end of the day we are all human and need to be on the right way so we should unite as one!

We laugh at different races by people's individuality. (I'm not sure what you mean) It's like people don't have their own personalities, but at the end of the day we are all human and need to be on the right way; so we should unite as one!

I hope this helps!

Audra
103
103
Review of My Husband Steve  
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really liked this. First of all, I lose my keys ALL the time (in fact I wrote a short story about it) so I can definitely relate.

You captured the sing song nature of a nursery rhyme beautifully. I found myself nodding my head from side to side as I read.

Poor Steve . . .

I like the subtle telling of time passed with the Christmas Eve to New Year's Eve.

Very fun poem; it seemed it would be fun to write as well.

Thanks for sharing!
Audra
104
104
Review of The Great Gatsby  
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like this because it makes me want to research and learn more about this time.

I do feel for it to be an essay, it needs more transitions instead of a list of facts. at the beginning when you are speaking of the funeral, are you referring to fitzgerald's or gatsby? I just think by adding some supporting sentences it would clarify it for someone who is unfamiliar.

big shot and held many parties and appeared to have many friends. - watch the repetition of many in the same sentence.

Jazz was the music of the speakeasies and illegal liquor was the drawing force and ran like water. - i love this line.

Very informative.

thanks,
Audra
105
105
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I love your fond memories. I remember Nancy Drew fondly too. I've never heard of Cherry Ames but I will definitely check her out.

I grew up in an old farm house. It was over 100 years old. Much repair needed to be done on it. And while we thought it was great - Country Living it was not. My dad would fix the practical things, but wasn't much into appearances. We each had our own room, there was a fireplace in the living room, and two working bathrooms - it was all anyone could need or want.

Sadly, on May 3 of 1999, our house was destroyed in a tornado. It looked like the foundation had been swept clean. many wonderful memories will live where a house no longer stands. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DG1z_llxOFo&feature...

Blessings,
Audra
106
106
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Try not to start sentences with the same word in the same paragraph - In your first one, your first three begin with "I"

some of the paragraphs are indented and others are not. Visually it would be better to be consistent.


grew like a sprout from the earth watered by his agape love. - I liked this line - very well worded

Why was I so vulnerable, why was I such an easy target - should end with a question mark

Could it be that my flesh reacted to the desires of the carnal side within. Should end with a question mark

Will he still protect me if I chose to follow the callings of my flesh? Will he still love me if I become a woman full of sins? - I believe He should be capitalized since you are referring to God and earlier you capitalized Him.

Since this is a prologue, I get the feeling that we are almost supposed to not understand all of it. I hope this is true, because it slightly bothers me that you say you have angels around you to protect you, yet ultimately they lose the battle.

thanks for the read.

Audra
107
107
Review of Missing My Friend  
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
this is a very sweet poem with excellent rhyme and rhythm.



I love the imagery here:

Our special place was by the sea
The waves dancing to their melody

The simplicity in this poem is what makes it endearing to me -- it almost creates a feeling that the realationship with Charlie was easy, simple, natural.

Thank you for sharing!

Audra
108
108
Review of No reason to live  
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.


Overall Impression:

I think your beginning and ending are spot on - you pull us in and leave us thinking - just what I think writing should do.

Improvement Areas:

Black walls dark stains dripping down - i would put a comma after black walls

How could he do this to me, how?? - i know you are trying to emphasize but honestly I would just use one question mark. Two does not make it more of a question - I don't believe there are degrees of questions



Grammar/Spelling:

nada

My Favorite Part: As I've said, the beginning and ending but also these lines

Tangles of darkness, sleek and serpentine

It's just a shadow, a remnant of me

Suggestions:

Okay, keep an open mind here. I know you like to rhyme, but what if you didn't do it in couplets: read the two versions aloud and see what you think.


The laughter turns dark and fades into cries
The truths that he told all slide into lies
I am nothing alive, nothing dead, never free
I am only scattered bits of raw immortality



The laughter turns dark and fades into cries
I am nothing alive, nothing dead, never free
The truths that he told all slide into lies
I am only scattered bits of raw immortality

Also, try it with deleting the "the"s at the beginning of those 2 sentences - again, just thoughts to play with.


You mentioned devilish in your last review, you might like this one.
Devils Dance in the Moonlight  (18+)
Devils celebrate a night of triumph.
#1462115 by audra_branson



Good job!
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra

Showering Acts of Joy Sig


109
109
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I smiled throughout this, Megan. I have to admit the Alice Cooper information surprised me a bit -- you are definitely versatile. Kind of like - Jane Austen meets Alice Cooper -- sounds like a great story lol.

It sounds like you are blessed with a great family, and more importantly you truly appreciate them.

such a nice memory you have shared with us.

Thank you!

audra
110
110
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.


Overall Impression:

What a refreshing, inspiring read! Quite original and creative (your muse must have been working overtime).

This is something I'm going to embrace; it almost seems like common sense, but it's more of a Revelation.



Improvement Areas:

The only thing I see is maybe to watch starting sentences with "there". Usually, by rewording or restructuring it - it will sound stronger. For example, instead of there's a better way -- try something like - A better way exists.

Grammar/Spelling:

Well here goes again! - a comma should be after Well

My Favorite Part:


I mean, have you ever been at work and been given just one job, over and over like it was the only thing you could do? I know it bores the socks off me, and I'll bet it does the same to you

I love the use of the example - it brings the message home and makes it completely relatable.


Suggestions:

Great job! Great idea!

Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra

Showering Acts of Joy Sig


111
111
Review of Keep Me  
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is one of the best of yours that I've read!

The way it is written feels like it is the reader's interpretation whether you are meaning this figuratively or literally. (knowing you - lol - I'm guessing literally)

The rhyme here seems much more natural - not forced. It didn't overwhelm the poem form.

I love : don't be sullen, sweet love, all we have is lies - well, now that i type i do realize that grammatically is should be are - but i still love it.

I feel the relief of surrender in this poem.

Nice job!

Audra
112
112
Review of In Dreams  
Review by audra_branson
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.


Overall Impression:

Nice use of personification in the first paragraph. In fact, your use of figurative language throughout is brilliant. It is subtle so as not to interfere with the story, but bold enough to pull us in as if we sat in a corner witnessing the whole thing.

Improvement Areas:

I want to find something and I can't. We can either blame it on my insomnia or claim you are brilliant. Writers choice, lol.

Grammar/Spelling: - none - you are a very attentive to detail


My Favorite Part: - my favorite part? That i didn't figure it out. Even with your foreshadowing -- I have to admit when i first read "damp sheets" I thought Gross why are they damp and why would he lay on damp sheets.

And i love the reference to Roy Orbison -- so many people don't know or appreciate the joy of him beyond Pretty Woman. And ahhhh those Traveling Wilburys. But i digress.


More Comments from the Sleep Deprived Ralls: Thank you for recommending this story. I enjoyed it; it made not being able to sleep worth it.


Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra

Showering Acts of Joy Sig


113
113
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Wow, you capture the voice and thoughts of a child quite well.

The lack of transitions is what makes this so real. It is just like we think (well, and for me, talk too) jumping from one thing to another.

come in our back yard any more - backyard - I'm pretty sure

The following is the only thing that I went hmmmmm on: Her sobs sound all echo-y in the register above my - I'm not sure the age of the child but at least for me he felt relatively young because of "mommy, daddy, mr. bear, etc." -- Would he know the word "register" and use it in the right context. Just something to think about.

I'm not usually a fan of werewolf/vampire/slayer things, but if you promise not to rat me out to my students, I'll admit you pulled me in. I quite enjoyed it.

Audra
114
114
Review of Tragedy for Two  
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.


Overall Impression:

This is quite interesting, written in an intriguing manner. At first I thought it would be stronger written as a short story, but the rhythm and rhyme grew on me.

Improvement Areas:

Just visually - I think I would like to see the stanzas broken up to more stanzas with fewer lines. At first, for some reason it just seemed intimidating.

Also, reread your concluding stanza - I'm not sure if it is the rhyme or rhythm, but I stumbled on it. Try reading it aloud; I find that helps me.


Grammar/Spelling:
Beacuse he had gone to his local gun and ammo store - Because

No gun was fired i must have been dreaming -i/I

My father was everything in this world that i had, i/I
I'm sorry, forgive me, I love you dad" - I love you, Dad

My Favorite Part:

I like the theme you are putting out there. I think it is an important one to here. You did very well painting visual pictures with your imagery.

Suggestions:

One last thing - I'm left wondering who should would write the note to - she just said she had no one -- and I know in the note it says I love you, Dad - but she knows he's gone - maybe even if she went up to the bedroom and wrote and did it so she was near him it wouldn't bring these questions to my mind. Perhaps, my analytical side is taking over. It is a very nice write.

Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra

** Image ID #1521141 Unavailable **
115
115
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.


Overall Impression:

Ken, this piece did 3 things for me. 1. It brightened a kind of sad day. 2. It reminded me why I and everyone else loves you 3. It gave me hope that in about 20 years, I might be able to catch a good man.


Improvement Areas:

Don't improve it - i like it -- it's like talking to you over coffee (not a Starbucks, but some hole in the wall diner)

Grammar/Spelling:

arn! I'm starting to sound like my Dad! - if you want me to get technical - dad shouldn't be capitalized because it has the pronoun my in front of it - but pfffftt

My Favorite Part:

Your style - it's always your style. the organization is great as well. You make me want to write, Ken and that's a wonderful gift to have. And I love the blood pressure bit

Suggestions:

If you need questions to ask those ladies, I'm the one to call -- i could fill a library with my internet dating stories. lol

Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra

** Image ID #1521141 Unavailable **
116
116
Review of Hurt me  
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.


Overall Impression:

Okay, so the rhyme worked for me a lot better on this one. You have a strong use of active verbs - which I love


Improvement Areas:

Tidal waves of painfilled pleasure rush in
I am no longer of these human men

I lost the pace on these lines (stumbled a little) You might see if you could shorten the tidal wave line - that might help.

Grammar/Spelling: again - great job


My Favorite Part:

Welcomed into a new fold of time and the next line -- unique and thought provoking. I liked it a lot.

Suggestions:

One thing I'm not sure of and it might just be because I'm tired from wonderful insominia is the mood of the narrator. -- Is he desperate, resigned, angry, frustrated, free? - or all of the above? or none of the above lol.

Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra

Showering Acts of Joy Sig


117
117
Review of Words on a page  
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.


Overall Impression: Nice flow -- A poem that begs to be read more than once, not from lack of clarity, but it beckoned me to look again deeper into the words. No surface reading here.



Improvement Areas: The second stanza (this is nothing technical, just my opinion) both times I read it I actually said "of today" instead of "on today". Read it aloud and see what you think. I like the that-which-would-be-forgotten written with the hyphens; it accentuates a rhyme.


Grammar/Spelling: none none none none


My Favorite Part: 2 things really -- Lives rise up from parchment layers -- 6 words tell an incredible story for in our writing we are in a sense creating lives. And you have a definite gift for figurative language - personification, metaphor, onomatopoeia -- this would be a great poem to use in the classroom to have students identify the elements and theme.


Suggestions: none except keep writing!


Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra

** Image ID #1521141 Unavailable **
118
118
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This caught my eye because I grew up near a town called Guthrie in Oklahoma. Your use of the active voice is superior. This is not easy to do when talking about the past, but you've done so well which made me feel as if I were there watching these occurences.

I am a teacher of middle school students, and i preach and repreach the need of transition words - that being said, I absolutely love the style the lack of transition words have given your writing (please, don't tell my students lol). The lack of them takes us on the journey of thoughts - how one will lead to another without a seemingly obvious connection.

I am definitely going to share this with my father, as he writes similar pieces from the past. He will quite enjoy it.

You have brought a smile to my face this morning as I drink my coffee - I enjoy your wonderful craftsmanship as a writer, and was taken in by the story itself.

The only grammar comment I have is that anytime you change speakers in dialogue, technically, it should be a new paragraph.

You have made my day.

Thank you!

Audra
119
119
Review by audra_branson
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
sign up for round 3 please
120
120
Review of I'm Not Afraid  
Review by audra_branson
Rated: E | (5.0)
This piece brings me inspiration. The build is good and strong. I love your word choice. I'm so glad I came upon this poem. Ty for sharing.
Audra
121
121
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
The rhyme is good and for the most part the rhythm is too. I don't know why, but I was expected a surprise ending, some kind of twist. The beginning pulled me in, but the last 3 stanzas didn't feel as natural to me.

The premise is cute and it was an enjoyable poem.

Audra
122
122
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Okay, I never have been able to grasp the whole iambic meter thing so I can't comment on that, but the poem moves well, never stuttering, yet flowing along.

The only thing I saw was A tribute to the toolmakers craft. - I think it should be toolmaker's with an apostrophe since he is owning craft

I like the foreshadowing of the item.

Great job on a form i couldn't even attempt lol.

Audra
123
123
Review of FORGOTTEN  
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This made my heart sad. You got right at the emotiions and thoughts many of our elderly feel. No wonder you won the contest. Life's cycle is not always fair or pretty and you've demonstrated this.

Wonderful poem.

audra
124
124
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
An inspiring, truthful poem about sports and the heart that is required for it.

Most of it was smooth but I did find myself stumbling on these lines as far as rhythm:
One can only succeed if they make up their mind
To sacrifice and drive for the greatness they’ll find!

The 3rd stanza i thought was the strongest by far.

The first was good rhythm but I found the rhyme a little predictable.

Overall, nice piece that I'm sure many would enjoy and read for inspiration.

Audra
125
125
Review by audra_branson
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like the moral of this poem. I think the growth of it throughout is good.

I do find myself wondering what age group it is for. Younger children would get lost in some of the vocabulary, and I'm not sure middle age students are developmentally open to receiving the vital message. Just a thought.

Your rhyming is superb, and the ending is promising.

Nice job.
593 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 24 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/abranson/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5