got a hug and a kiss but not a goodbye, and was reminded of other females I had known. I stooped down to tell her goodbye and pulled a muscle in my back and she laughed, reminding me of other women I have known - great 2 lines -- i did laugh out loud.
Interesting portrait you paint here.
Communicating telepathically with a baby -- sounds like we may be able to save the world this way.
My parent keeps telling me to get a real job… - parent or parents?
Her Mother left and I - Mother/mother
no, give me the hard stuff”. - period inside "
broke out the cards grabbed a bag of beef jerky a few cigars and a couple of beers - cards, jerky, cigars,
When the jerky was gone and the beer cans empty she had taken
me for a twenty and some change in Hold Em. She coned me out of a roll of nickels - you've got an extra "enter" hit here
She coned me out of a roll of nickels - coned/conned
didn’t want to around hot grease - Missing a word here?
You kept me wondering what was going to happen -- I thought he was going to turn and the pipe was going to be sticking out of him. But then that didn't make since of why he would be here.
In retrospect, I'm shaking my head at myself that i didn't figure it out - but that's kudos to you lol.
I love your use of dialogue. It sounds so natural. It's something many struggle with that you seem to have mastered.
Gee, thanks - you made me tear up missing my son -- at first I was a little relieved not to be snowbound with him again, but all day i've been wishing i was taking him sledding and then pffft i have to read this. It was beautiful.
and whistles that tells us when we are getting low on fuel, how many miles till - tells/tell
it might seem too many, I think many can and will - too/to
So I am please with my choice of gadgets for my own reasoning - please/pleased
Great insight throughout - touches of humor to make us make sure we don't miss anything.
lol - this is kinda all over the place, but i'm amazed you pulled it all together with a great conclusion paragraph.
Every Two or so weeks my younger - Two/two
time on those morning I realize it potty time - it/it's --- ha and i did not turn my nose up - my father still does that to this day - not a soothing visual, but it is what it is.
What i enjoy most about your writing is your tone, style. It is inviting and captures my whole attention. While I might not agree with all you say, I still find myself enjoying it and processing it. You make me actually think about what your saying by providing examples, because trust me if you didn't i would just write it off as "he's wrong, i'm right" lol.
High or low maintenance is a common phrase used in our daily. - daily lives?
know you some of you women think your married to that - you have an extra you
High maintenance creates finely tunes hearts. - tunes/tuned.
Now I do completely agree with your last paragraph --that kind of maintenance - wow.
okay, okay - anything that makes me laugh automatically gets a 5 and i giggled several times through out. (Later I'll tell you what i spit my water all over the screen on) -
Please, I mean this next comment in a positive way - and i think you will get it, (while others would take offense) - this reminded me of college days sitting around playing quarters and having what we thought were "deep" revelations (see the re: there lol) Anyway, in my warped mind I could see you taking a shot and thinking of another re: analogy.
Terms does not apply to concrete mixers*. - i may be reading this wrong but it seems to me it needs to be Term does or Terms do
You can’t re-eat, re-drink, or re-poop, but you can regurgitate. - This was the spewer of the water -- I know it shouldn't make me laugh that hard, but remember I work with middle schoolers - their humor eventually corrupts even the most mature person (which i am not)
but those things may want you to re-locate if they - i think you are missing the word "make" in here.
I kept waiting for "you can re-take a test" - big issue at our school right now.
We hear so much about the negativity of the web - the psychos and predators - this was absolutely refreshing and I can relate totally. Without the web, I ( a 40 year old American divorced mom) would have never become great friends with a 17 year old talented pakistan girl.
just a part of it through my friends emails. - friends' emails.
Thank you for this positive outlook and well-written at that. I completely enjoyed it.
Hmmmm - so your muse is a woman - interesting lol.
This piece speaks such truth. How often have I given my self permission to not do something and then found myself wanting to because it was my decision and because i saw the joy in it instead of it feeling like work.
I didn't find any errors.
Hey i want to read the things you write when your muse is in black leather lol.
So was this true? or was it just what came to you to write? - if it wasn't true - you definitely were convincing!
I enjoyed this monologue greatly. The mention of specific scriptures throughout helps guide the reader along. The comparison of the water and the symbolism really drew me in.
I found this well-written and thought out. The conclusion was powerful. It was quite gripping.
Thank you for this inspirational piece. I wouldn't change a thing.
I think you achieved your purpose here. As i was reading it, my son asked, "Mom, why do you have that disgusted look on your face?" I hadn't even realized it lol.
I can't really put my finger on exactly why - but this did give me the heebie jeebies. Nice job with description and the whole thing!
“That’s terrible darling,” she said, as she worked around the kitchen. - comma after terrible
Okay - you got me again - - I'm posting "Work in progress" on the board tomorrow and see what the reaction is and to also remind me that not only am i a work in progress but they are too.
God forgives. God has patience, why not us? - great line - so simple but so true!
flaring of the nostrils, the climbing mercury in the - picky picky but you have an extra space before the
Nice job! Very inspirational, even if you did use the Beatles in it (ughhhh) lol.
Great descriptive piece that sets a strong mood. I don't know if you have ever read "Where the Red Fern Grows", but your description of a woman screaming sound was the same as his of a mountain lion. The fact that you both do makes me realize how accurate this is.
I love the point of view of this piece. I felt as if i where right there.
hoot owls up in the hollow was in beautiful voice tonight, - was/were
not quite as loud and big as when the big storm had came through - came/come
dogs had quitened down too so he thought whatever it was must have moved on. - quieted
clawing at the chain link fence that was going around their pens, trying to get out. - trying to get out is unneeded
night was deathly quite all of a sudden - quite/quiet
it's long tail swaying back and forth but not taking it's eyes off of Joe
make it's presence known with - it's is only used with an apostrophe for the contraction it is or it has
only peoples overactive imagination and some - people's
You might consider mixing some shorter sentences in with the longer ones especially in the intro - it really helps add a rhythm to the piece.
I loved the veiled darkness in this piece - a sequel would be great -- hey, maybe even from the panther's view. Just a thought.
I wish i could be more technical here (normally I am) - but i just simply love it!
My favorite line: Frequently in the morning my mouth pierced the covers like a periscope, my breath creating a vaporous parachute floating above the bed.
Throughout, you made that room seem magical -- Often I will read things i've loved to my son (he's 13) but i don't want to read this one and give him any ideas.
A lot of what you wrote took me back to the farm I grew up on -- I remember freezing upstairs in the 100 year old farm house - at the time i never thought i'd miss it, but guess what? Right now I do.
Okay, I almost didn't read this because I absolutely hate pork chops, but i convinced myself not to judge a book by its cover. And I'm glad I read on.
I think some may miss the "wit" (sarcasm isn't quite the right word) in this piece. I, however, revelled in it.
The description of the second to last paragraph is excellent. I think you've really used your poetic skills here to enhance your story.
Though on the surface it may not seem like a lot of character development, if one is to take a deeper look it is obvious that it is there in both the relationship to the wife and his fishing buddy.
This is a very nice wish. A gift that is not always easy to give - you've written well of it here.
I like the repetition of the beginning of each stanza - it adds a cohesiveness to the piece.
Poetry is such a personal thing that it is often hard to review for me, so I can only say how it made me feel. I felt peaceful and inspired by your words.
I like this folk tale a lot. The message is clear and an important one.
I understand the use of the / / - Personally, I found it a little distracting. Perhaps if you used italics or even a color for the other speaker it would be cleaner.
“I should think it would be a chance of a lifetime, replied the Editor. The Military wants to embed some journalists with the - /- chance of a lifetime," replied the Editor. "The Military
Great description of the scene where they were readying to ship out. - It really put me there.
was scared and thought that those who claimed they weren’t, was in either denial or just crazy - were in either
when he read a letter from a forth grade girl - forth/fourth
Not only did i really like this, but I had my son who is not much a reader read it and he loved it. He said it was like a video game (trust me, from him that is the ultimate compliment}
Your word choice and strong vocabulary is really what brings the intensity to this story. Great job with that and with characterization.
Audra
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