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This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!
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Please remember that these are just my thoughts, at the end of the day whatever you decide is the right answer!
Initial hook: very nice intro to a compelling personal story of redemption
Storyline: a young man is lucky enough to get a 2nd chance at life
Characters:Daniel-the troubled youngster, Abigail-Dan's saving grace, Alex-Dan's good friend who also heard God speak?
Setting:any town, any where
Atmosphere/Tone: story-telling, parable-like, immediate (I kind of felt like this was currently going on)
Dialogue: unfortunately there was none, a good story HAS to have dialogue, even bible stories were spoken to people and often times interrupted by the crowd for further discussion
What I liked:He felt the sins on his shoulders, he felt the pain of his wrong doings he wished he was dead.
A few comments/suggestions I had:
(Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear)
Daniel Will's is a 15 year old, who is going through a rough time in life. His parents Danny and Debra are going through an ugly divorce, that is tearing Daniel apart.
Daniel Will's is a 15 year old, who is going through a rough time in life. His parents Danny and Debra are going throughcurrently engaged in an ugly divorce, that is tearing Daniel apart.
He feels like it's his fault as if he caused them to fight and hate each other. Daniel is starting to get involved with drugs and gangs.
He feels like it's his fault; as if he caused them to fight and hate each other. (What makes him feel that way?) Daniel is startsing to get involved with drugs and gangs.
Daniel's friend Abigail Smith, is a very good influence on him. Abigail is a Christian and she is proud of it, she tries to witness to Daniel but, he wont listen.
Daniel's friend Abigail Smith is a very good influence on him. Abigail is a Christian and she is proud of it! She tries to witness to Daniel but, he wont listen.
She has given up on him, because he has started doing drugs.He was walking home with his crew, when all of a sudden he fell head first to the cold hard asphalt .
She has given up on him, because he has started doing drugs. He Daniel was walking home with his crew, when all of a sudden, he fell head first to the cold hard asphalt.
A bag valve mask is an artificial ventilation device.
instead of saying this, introduce it through dialogue, IE: Alex might ask the EMTs what the mask does and they tell him it's an AVD
V-fib( ventricular fibrillation, is a condition in which there is uncoordinated contraction is the ventricles of the heart.)
again, this could be a conversation between the paramedics "Hurry, he's going into v-fib!""What?!" "It means his heart is contracting irregularly. Steve, hand me the paddles!"
God also showed him his 'After Life' which makes prison seem like heaven. Daniel felt the flames burn his skin, there was no air his feet were in a pot of hot coals.
wow, again with the imagery and descriptions, very nice
A few parting comments...
this the start of your memoirs? that would be awesome, married AND a father before 18?, I'm sure you have quite the story to tell
Hope this helped! Great job on a great piece of readable art!!!
Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:
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