This poem leaves me wondering what happened next. Is this a poem about something that really happened to you? or Is it a poem about something you hope will happen to you? or Is it a poem about something that might happen to somebody but you have no particular person in mind?
Now, I'm curious enough to go checking out your portfolio for answers!
Maybe, I'll find this poem's sequel among your writings. If not, perhaps, you'll be writing one sometime in the near future...
Do you want the grammar to be correct? or Do you want to leave it as it is--as if you were writing in the style of the person working at McDonald's.
If you'd like for grammar and spelling errors to be corrected, let me know, and I'd be glad to re-write it for you with it done that way--not changing any of the content but just the technical stuff. You can then decide if you'd like to use all of the rewrite or just part of it.
If you were writing as this person might be writing the story, you might just want to leave it as it is, One example is the word horrendous. Another is monkeys. I would have to go back to see if any more corrections need to be made, should you decide to do so.
Anyway, let me know whether or not you want it revised with corrections, and I would be glad to do so.
Again, it's a very funny story. Do you know what is one of the most rude uses of a cell phone I've ever come across? There was somebody in front of a drive-up payphone (preventing others from using it), and that person wasn't using the payphone but was, instead, sitting there talking on his cell phone. LOL
Awllllllllll....................I just love this!!!
This poem would be so sweet on a missing you card! Are you still going with the guy who inspired it? He's very blessed to have someone like you in his life, and I'm sure that you feel very blessed to have him, whether the two of you are now sweethearts or simply very good friends!
You have a lot of structural improvements that you need to make to this piece--especially, when it comes to dividing it up into paragraphs--but the story is really beautiful and touching, so five stars for it based on content and message.
Reading something like this would send out a message of hope to those kids who are kinda nerdy when young, because some of them believe that they will never amount to anything in spite of the fact that they're actually beautiful and God-created all along.
This says: "There's life after public schools, and you're going to find your niche!!!"
The first one concerns your second paragraph, originally written as follows:
“Go outside and play!” was the command I remember hearing the most from my Mom. It made no difference if the temperature was freezing cold or sweltering hot since she, and everyone else close to her age on our block repeated the mantra, “It’s good for you,” on a daily basis. I’m convinced that all Moms and Dads thought alike back then. What was good for one child was good for us all, so I rarely had to hang outside all by myself.
I would either rewrite it like this:
“Go outside and play!” was the command I remember hearing the most from my Mom. It made no difference if the temperature was freezing cold or sweltering hot since she--and everyone else close to her age on our block--repeated the mantra, “It’s good for you,” on a daily basis. I’m convinced that all Moms and Dads thought alike back then. What was good for one child was good for us all, so I rarely had to hang outside all by myself.
Or this:
“Go outside and play!” was the command I remember hearing the most from my Mom. It made no difference if the temperature was freezing cold or sweltering hot since she, and everyone else close to her age on our block, repeated the mantra, “It’s good for you,” on a daily basis. I’m convinced that all Moms and Dads thought alike back then. What was good for one child was good for us all, so I rarely had to hang outside all by myself.
With the first one being my preference.
The second one is a typo/misspelling that definitely needs correcting.
You wrote:
Perhaps one of my more irregular summer activities was playing with the local tarantula population. My cousins and I would shove the end of a garden water hose into tarantula holes and turn on the water – momentarily flooding the balding, two fanged creepers out of their homes and sending them scurrying in every direction. We’d shriek in feigned delight (sheer horror) when they ran directly at us. They are fast! Harry, black, eight legged, venomous, monster spiders that seemed angry (frightened) and darted every which way made for terrific late night stories at bedtime.
when you should have written:
Perhaps one of my more irregular summer activities was playing with the local tarantula population. My cousins and I would shove the end of a garden water hose into tarantula holes and turn on the water – momentarily flooding the balding, two fanged creepers out of their homes and sending them scurrying in every direction. We’d shriek in feigned delight (sheer horror) when they ran directly at us. They are fast! Hairy, black, eight legged, venomous, monster spiders that seemed angry (frightened) and darted every which way made for terrific late night stories at bedtime.
Errors like these can easily be corrected--and, even before their correction, you still have a five-star piece, which I enjoyed reading a whole lot. I grew up in times like these too and am always happy to know of children--like your granddaughter--who still do!
Word in last line should be spelled oer instead of ore.
Other than that, an absolutely perfect poem in all ways that brought tears to my eyes.
This is the most beautiful and touching poem about the death of a child I've ever read--putting Little Boy Blue in second place.
The most moving tribute to a child (in the form of song or poem) who passed away is still Tears In Heaven, but Railway To Heaven and Little Boy Blue are right behind it.
I will have to check your port to see if this is based on a true story--perhaps, about the passing of one of your own children or grandchildren (I don't even know how old you are at this time).
This is a poem I'll be sharing with many others and hope to read more of what you write very soon...
I had no idea just how this story was going to end until the very end of it.
It's way off into left-field, but it's still a great story and one that would provoke discussion from many walks of life.
Imagine, for instance, reading this story to a prosecutor, a defense attorney, a cop, a teacher, and some adults who had suffered some kind of trauma as a kid (which would, no doubt, be most of us, as there are many forms of trauma, as, while most of us haven't been kidnapped by a pedophile and/or seen somebody shot to death in front of us, there aren't too many of us who haven't been disciplined and are confused re: just why this took place).
This story had me sitting on the edge of my seat until the very end. My suspicions had been that the sound had purposely been created by the landlady in order to set up a situation to bilk this unfortunate guy.
I'm not going to give away the ending, but I'm going to encourage anyone reading this review to read this amazing, five-star mystery!
I have a lot of other things to do, but I HOPE to return back here before the day's over to further treat myself to your meaningful and entertaining words!
Your autobiographical sketch made me aware right off that you are quite a person, and what I've found among your writings so far has done anything but make me change my mind!
As I read this, I could picture everything in my mind, and I love how you've chosen a little girl to be the heroine of this story rescuing this broken woman from the depths of despair!
This just goes to show that you're never too young to make a positive difference in the lives of others--in fact, we grown-ups could learn a whole lot from little kids!
Amazing psalm that speaks with honesty of our worst fears while reassuring us with faith in the promises of Jesus!!!
I believe that we've all had those kinds of moments of nagging and negative "What if!?!"s that are gently hugged away from us by the signs found in the natural world around us;
Not only was the poem wonderful but, also, the illustration!!!
This is a very touching poem about how a very young child might be feeling when dying of cancer. In a way, it reminds me of a couple of other poems: One about an abused child who died of her abuse and another about a teen who ended up dying in a wreck when driving recklessly. The message is there that these children should have lived so much longer.
Just got finished sending the koala bear greeting to my new WDC friend, D.L. Fields, and plan on returning later on tonight to send out something to at least one more friend. I definitely won't be a stranger here.
I caught a very minor typo in an otherwise outstanding piece.
You wrote:
"Which completely opposite of how I was raised. "
when what you meant to write was:
"Which is completely opposite of how I was raised. "
I'm 58 years old and got my first period in the summer of 1964 when I was 11 1/2.
Fortunately, I was raised in the way that you've decided to raise your daughter, and my folks and I have always been very comfortable discussing those kinds of things together.
I'm really enjoying giving you a port raid. I'm going to wait to start reading your novel when I have more time to offer constructive criticism (though I don't believe--if the writing I've seen so far is any indication of what I'll find--that I'll be offering that much in the way of criticism).
Very clever description of "becoming less young with each passing day."
Reading this makes me wish that I could talk Uncle Kermit into buying a computer (or, at least, getting an e-mail address and going to it from time to time), as he would really get a kick out of this.
Perhaps, you'll put this in a book someday, and I'll be able to afford to buy it. Another great idea would be to turn it into a greeting card on Cafepress. I can talk to you more about that, if you ask me.
The bullet was, likely, not even meant for this beautiful soul but, instead, was part of a drive-by shooting.
Anyone considering joining a gang and thinking that guns and knives are cool and the sign of some kind of rite-of-passage would do well to read this and understand how the lives of people can be ruined in just a fleeting moment.
I'll share my madlib results to you in private, but I wanted to give a public review so that people will see it and try their own hands at adding to it.
Beautiful and romantic slice-of-life. It satisfies as its own little, unique dish but still makes me hungry for more as in "What happened next?" Will I find the answer to that question via further exploration of your WDC portfolio? or Am I left to imagine it for myself?
When I find that answer, I won't kiss and tell but will, instead, leave it to each person who reads this to seek the answer himself/herself if so led...
This story is a perfect Valentine's Day recipe created from the right mix of romance and humor--and shows that even the most romance-skeptic person can be won over by just the right amount of romancing in just the right way.
This is beautiful! The message of this poem reminds me of the book that I'm currently reading called Uncle Tom's Classroom by Thomas R. Berg who believes--as I do, too--that our main problem is how we get lured away from the childlike faith in God that we originally came here with at birth before we were exposed to so many oppressive, negative, and even downright dangerous influences in life.
Very original story! I really enjoyed reading it! Therefore, I'm giving you five stars. However, I think you need to get with someone who can help you proofread and edit it so that the technical stuff such as spelling, finding and correcting typos, and arrangement into paragraphs will give this piece the shine that it deserves!
I'm recommending this as a great read. I've read stories about the kind of girls who, somehow, manage to become popular in spite of being snooty and shallow, but this treatment of this kind of storyline is extremely unique and thought-provoking!
That is a really eerie story--and so true to human nature re: how we, too often, keep settling for keeping a lousy status quo even when a better alternative is clearly offered.
You have some typos needing correcting, so proofread this again. However, don't change the story. AJ wants U 2 meet The CanMan!
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