Despite my usual feelings of hatred for loose poetic forms, I enjoyed your poem. It created a clear and nice picture of the relationship. One line puzzles me: "Offered no elicit futility on the subject" - I just can't figure out what you meant by this, and I worry that it inhibits my understanding of your poem.
Oh, I like this! Partly because it actually has a clear rhyme and rhythm (I'm rather sick of free verse), but also because it takes a simple feeling, one everyone has - the idea of an internal bruise - and expresses it neatly and vividly. I'd suggest moving your fourth stanza up into the second stanza's place; where it's at now, it seems a bit disjointed - just a suggestion.
My favourite line was "I want to sing my version of the blues," which I found quite powerful. I don't know who Marlene Cummins is - but now I want to find out - and even without knowing, your poem spoke to me. One minor note - rhythm is spelt with two 'h's, not as 'rythm'. Keep writing!
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ajgair
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 4:06am on May 19, 2025 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
