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Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, MF Author IconMail Icon. Thank you for asking me to review your work.

It is a long read (and that's okay), but it does need some work on structuring. You introduce an aspect of love but then abandon it in the next sentence and move onto another topic. It breaks up the flow of your work. I had to re-read some portions to see how a sentence fit in with the previous one, then realize it did not.

Also, keep font sizes consistent and avoid using bold type only for emphasis. There did not appear to be a reason for highlighting certain passages.

I made some comments/suggestions/questions in the first few pages, but these are my humble opinion only. Take what advice you like and trash the rest. This is your work. I'd be happy to read it again after some editing.

Comments:

There are many secrets behind love. The meaning of true love is a unique and passionate bond that connects you to another person alongside a warm personal attachment and a balance of healthy sexual desire. There are many ways you can deeply love someone and not get confused with certain terms. Let's jump directly into them.

There are many ways you can deeply love someone: [This is a repeat of a sentence just above.]

Listening to someone speak can brighten their day and allow them to open up to you emotionally. This would be healthy if it also reciprocates back to you. The ability of reassurance is very attractive as well, to remind a person how much you love them and not be inconsistent with your love.
Being selfless meaning not being selfish and offering your help towards their lives in any way you can by also understanding their needs and also communicating your needs. [This sentence needs some punctuation and some structuring. What are the subject and verb?]

Accepting mistakes and apologizing for them means a lot. When a person makes a mistake, we can't necessarily blame them for their errors but rather we can try to communicate and see whether they truly are sorry for their mistake by observing observe and the way they act after making their mistakes.
[The word ‘mistake’ appears four times in this paragraph. Think about using a synonym for a couple of them.

[Start a new paragraph. The change from making and accepting mistakes to making time for romance is abrupt. Are the ideas connected?]

Make time for some romance, whether it's for physical touch or long-lasting talks. The quality of honesty and integrity in a relationship is always telling the truth about how you feel and what you expect out of your partner. Respecting each other's opinions and also making time to love yourself and live your own life,but it doesn't mean that you can't balance your love for a person with your personal life., this[Start new sentence] This means total commitment and allowing a person to enter your life and to be a part of it. Laugh together, and share your daily routine, but ask your partner about their lives and allow the time to ask some deep questions to each other. Many people won't necessarily tell you everything unless asked a very good question. Compromise, be flexible, make time for them and that shows true love. Compromising, being flexible, and making time for them shows true love.

Complimenting won't hurt. One of the most important things is to act on each other's fantasies and be the person your partner wants to share a deeper secretive bond whether it's to text them in a romantical way or make them feel excited., it [Start new sentence] It is very important to feel confident and know your limits to what you're saying and not make them feel nervous. Finding common interests in each other and expressing how you wish to be loved by each other is the sweetest thing ever.

Relationships fail because we need to be are not willing to give someone what they crave and need, not the thing that we like giving, because it is very easy to give the thing over and over again, through repetitive acts, that may be the thing we find comfortable giving, and we keep giving it. The key to relationships is to listen well enough, communicate to know their craving, and then give them that exact thing.

[What is ‘the thing’? That needs to be explained. Also, from “Relationships fail” to “we keep giving it” is one sentence. It needs to be broken down into two or more sentences.]

Anxiety and Love:[You don’t use many headings in your work so either start using at the beginning or don’t use them at all. In this case, it was in the body of the paragraph. Other times you put it on a line above and then underline it. Be consistent.]

Most people don't know that the reason they have so much anxiety and stress is because they have a dysregulated nervous system. Your body shows you a different world when you're in this state. People's voices become more threatening; noises become louder & and the world seems like it's out to get you. Now consider that you've been living in this state for years. That isn't your fault, but you can work to heal your nervous system & and reduce stress and anxiety. Love can be a big trigger for that and learning to explain this situation to your partner or whether they have it, it's important to understand them and give them all the love you possibly can.

Your body tells you that you're in love. It is like a drug addiction; it is like being drunk. Your pupils dilate, and you may feel a little sick. Being in love might give you superpowers. That desire to just become just to become better and work more. This is true because love is a great inspiration to become a better version of yourself and if someone strips it off you, it can hurt a lot. Heartbreak can lead to the loss of appetite or overeating. [This section is a huge distraction from what you’re trying to convey. I’m sure there is a much better place for it elsewhere.] You won't be able to keep your eyes off of your partner. Your voice might get higher. You will worry when they're not around you. When you fall in love, this will mess with your hormones. Your hormones will go out of control and erratic and bring you to the extent you would never do for it. It is important to understand your partner and be there for them. Your sex drive will be the highest in a while which kills depression but can instantly turn low and trigger anxiety.

Moving on to the tricky part [What ‘tricky part’?] is the natural stage where you feel like your love is diminishing. When you start having doubts about your partner, it is important to let them know beforehand and communicate with them. Whether they don't match a certain need you want or whether they aren't sharing a characteristic, let them know and it will be much greater [Much greater than what?]. Do not just give up on your partner when it's been the start [The start of what?], give them time and patience, alongside effort. Acknowledge other reasons why you love a person. Some of these can be that you feel safe with them, that you both trust each other.
Their ability to listen, they acknowledge your differences and still make an effort to you. A way you can communicate easily is by simply just talking about your emotions, identifying areas of conflict rather than keeping them to yourself, connecting through physical and emotional intimacy, checking in about relationship boundaries, and body language. They encourage you do to your own thing and whether they meet your own needs. A person can't immediately know what you wish for them unless you communicate more often. Seeing it every day, they respect you. A loving partner will share your strengths and desire to build yourself, strengthen your bonds, and grow together. You practice good communication and experience true love. If it doesn't feel easy to talk to them, you need to let them know. Communication is the most important thing in a relationship and being there for each other is the most fundamental need.

}"The terrifying thing about a love like this is that the same person who makes you feel so indestructible can have the power to shatter you with mere absence."

How do you know if you're in love? You're okay with making sacrifices for them, no matter how hard it gets, whether it's your time or sharing a part of your life with them. You feel comfortable being yourself around them. You can't stop talking about them. Thinking about the future. You want to introduce them to your friends and family.

Arguments in Love [See my comments above.]

Unfortunately, arguments will be met. Both sides will have their share of outbursts due to their own needs not being met. This is important to not give up or cut your partner midway through it. If you or your partner puts the effort or interest to understand each other's perspective, then that is called love. Ways Some ways you can make it better is by watching your tone and stopping bringing up the past. Whether it's words that you regret, you should listen to the other person and hear what they got have to say. It is important to know why these arguments occur.


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Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Title:
 
STATIC
The Key--Chapter 3 Open in new Window. (18+)
Justin gets an assignment
#2292510 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 Author IconMail Icon


Author: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 Author IconMail Icon

Plot:

Justin returns to his apartment and starts analyzing maps to determine where the tunnel he found leads and where would the locked door be. He gets an email from his boss telling him to report to a hotel to work on their key card system.

Not much in the way of advancing the plot, but we get to know a bit more about Justin. This chapter is spent with Justin figuring out where the tunnel leads and where he might find another entrance. I didn’t notice any plot holes or inconsistencies.

Characters:

Justin Hisakawa is the only character in this chapter. We know more about him now than from the first chapter. We’ve learned he works from home and is some sort of computer whiz.

Setting:

This chapter takes place in Justin’s apartment. We get a good glimpse of Justin’s lifestyle, but I wondered if it was only a one-bedroom apartment. The building is not large, because it only has eight parking spaces so it probably isn’t a large or fancy apartment.

Voice:

We’re in Justin’s pov throughout the chapter. I didn’t notice any head hops or changes in pov.

JMHO

I made some comments and corrections below in the line-by-line, but remember they are just my humble opinion only! This is your story so take what suggestions you like and ignore the rest. This is your story.

This chapter is a little slow. Not much advancement of the plot and the hook at the end could be a little better. Justin is going out to do his job and hopes that he can hook up with the night clerk. Remember the decision, dilemma, or disaster? *Wink* *Wink* *Wink*

Comments/Corrections/Suggestions

When Justin stepped out of his beat-up Toyota and into the parking lot of his apartment complex, the noontime suh sun slammed him like a blast furnace. Instant [Instantly?] sweat trickled down his cheek, and the lot’s black asphalt paving seared his Reeboks and toasted the soles of his feet. At least there were only two other cars in the tiny eight-car lot.


Inside, the window airconditioner [Need a space] met him with a whine, but at least it kept the place cool.


Justin dropped his knapsack on the sofa and pulled out his head cam. He had a ton of new pix to post on his Adventure Wall above the sofa. His boss at Greeen Green Country Web Services,


He opened Mapitude on his workstation and iused used it to load the Google map for the area south of the airport. He'd already saved the GPS coordinates of the manhole, so it was easy to mark the spot 3700 feet due east where the tunnel changed directions. From there, the software gave him a drive circle with a radius oi 4480 feet. The locked door was underground, somewhere on the southeast rim of that circle.

[4480 ft is over 8/10 of a mile, so the diameter of his drive circle is over a mile and a half. Is that sufficiently small enough for Justin to narrow down his search?]


He chewed his lower lip and peered at the display. Most likely, the Spartan manufacturing plant had been someplace near here back in 1942, but today the circle ran through three blocks of a residential neighborhood. The angle in the tunnel had looked to be about 45 degrees, but it could have been as muc much as ten degrees more or less. Still, this was as good as he could get. He scribbled down the addresses of a dozen possible possible home that might be over the locked door at the end ot to the tunnel.


Next, he used the workstation’s browser to call up the Tulsa County Assessor’s website. Geeze, what a sorry mess. They could sure use a professional web designer. This one looked a like ten-year-old had built it using notepad. A color-blind ten-year-old.


She was a physics professor at the University and he was a playwrite playwright at the Writers Workshop, a match of opposites if ever there was one. He kind of felt sorry for both of them. On the positive side, she didn’t complain about him dropping out of pre-med to be a loser web designer.



It could take minutes but more likely hours to figure it out. He bit his lower lip, hit reply, and typed, “I’m on it.”


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3
3
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Crosstimbers Novel Workshop Gr...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Title:
 
STATIC
The Key--Chapter 1 Open in new Window. (18+)
Justin finds a long-lost tunnel
#2292381 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 Author IconMail Icon


Author: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 Author IconMail Icon

Plot:

Justin has located a hidden, secret tunnel near Tulsa International Airport built back in WWII by J. Paul Getty to move around unnoticed if it became necessary. Justin enters the tunnel and begins searching. He walks for a while and sees a light in the distance. He hears footsteps running, a door slamming and then light vanishes. He vows to find out the secret of the tunnel.

The plot is solid. I didn’t notice any gaps or inconsistencies, except for one about how far he has walked. See my comments below.

Setting:

This chapter takes place in an abandoned area where factories used to stand, but now it is overgrown and has become a wild forest in the middle of Tulsa.

Characters:

Justin Hisakawa is the only character that appears in this chapter. Not much is known about him, but I’m going to guess he’s Japanese? At least by ancestry. He is gay and single.

Voice:

This chapter is in Justin’s head. I didn’t notice any headhops or changes in pov.

JMHO.

I’ve made some corrections and suggestions below. Remember these comments/suggestions are my humble opinion only. Take what advice you like and ignore the rest this is your story.

I think the hook needs to be a little stronger. It’s good but it could have more of a catch to it.

Justin Hisakawa huddled in the coffee shop of the airport Hilton and squinted at his dog-eared copy of Unpacking Social Space. The ubiquitous Muzak oozing through the lobby shifted to a 1001 Strings version of "The the Night the Devil Went Down to Georgia," and he rolled his eyes. It was too early in the morning for tamed-down rockabilly.

[I’m sure you are talking about Charlie Daniel’s song.]


In the parking lot, he squinted at the early morning sun and glanced up as a Southwest Airlines 747 screamed into the air a half mile away, on the west runway of Tulsa International Airport. A hundred foot hike south along Virgin Street took him to where it passed under the Gilcrease expressway and its buzzing traffic. Down here, in the underworld, he was all alone. Just like an outcast social deviant. He grinned.

[I’m going to be nitpicky here, but Southwest does not fly 747s. None of the domestic carriers do because they’re considered to be gas guzzlers with four engines. I think Southwest uses 737s almost exclusively. I can confirm that if you’d like.]


Eighty years ago, this had been bustling with factories manufacturing aircraft for WWII. Now, it had reverted to a forest primeval, part of the Cross Timbers Forest here in the middle of the city.

It gave a satisfying clang when he struck it with the crowbar. Loud. Too loud. He stopped and looked around. Stupid. No one could hear him, not out here in the middle of this wilderness. He clanged on it a dozen more times, sending dirt and rust skittering across the surface.

[First, this area is “in the middle of the city” but now it’s “out here in the middle of this wilderness.” I can’t get a feel of how large this area is. You mention that earlier it had been “bustling with factories” so I’m going to guess it is several blocks square?]


Funny stuff, indeed. Justin knew it had to be there. Waite Phillips had brought miners from Nevada to dig his tunnels under downtown Tulsa, tunnels still in use. The same miners had been back in Tulsa in 1942 when Getty took over management of Spartan Aeronautics and built his bungalow. All the oil millionaires were terrified of kidnapping or worse, and built tunnels out of an excess of caution.

[Or you could say “millionaires were terrified of being kidnapped.”]

Getty was no different, and wouldn’t have been left out of tunnel mania.

Now Justin was descending into the not-urban-legend tunnel Getty had built. Probably the first person to be there in decades. Social deviants triumph!

Worn red bricks, covered with red Oklahoma dust, floored the tunnel. The same bricks formed walls that curved to an overhead arch, perhaps eight feet tall. Electrical conduit strung along the arch, along with intermittent empty light fixtures. The tunnel itself was narrow, just four feet wide. It stretched, straight as an arrow, as far as his light shined, which was about two hundred feet according the manufacturer's specs.

[I know there aren’t many synonyms for ‘tunnel’ that could apply but ‘subway’ and ‘shaft’ could be used to keep from repeating ‘tunnel’ so frequently.]



The silence pressed on him. Darkness, dust, and dead air oppressed him. For a moment, he wished he had someone to share this adventure with him.



Two thousand paces, another mile, No change. At three thousand, he stopped and peered down the tunnel. Was that a light glimmering in the distance? Maybe there was another opening in the tunnel, like the manhole he’d opened up.

Justin chewed his lip, then got out a map. He was maybe half a mile from where he’d entered

[Justin has been counting his steps. At first count, he had walked 2000 paces, a bit less than a mile. Then 2000 more, another mile. “At three thousand, he stopped…” Is that an additional 1000 paces or did he walk 3000 beyond the 2000? So he’s probably walked at least two miles but he thinks he’s only a half mile from where he entered. Has the tunnel been winding back and forth?]


It didn’t make sense. But Justin was determined to find out the mystery of the tunnel.

[Meh.]


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4
4
for entry "The Unconquered" Open in new Window.
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
A neat take on the Headless Horseman! I don't remember much about the story other than the spooky stuff, but I enjoyed it.

I do want to mention one thing: "The rider advanced, remorseless." Since he is still in shadow and at a distance, how would Ike/Ichabod know if he was remorseless? That's a mind-set, so maybe he advanced in stony silence? Something along those lines.

JMHO!


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5
5
for entry "A Solstice Gnome" Open in new Window.
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
I know you are limited by the word count but a couple of things.

You start out with the MC as "Mandy" but then change her name to "Ruby" about halfway through.

Perhaps give us a quick clue about what might have happened. Maybe she hears a report on the television about a mysterious fire in Tulsa overnight.

JMHO!


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6
6
for entry "Fire on the Mountain" Open in new Window.
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
*Laugh**Laugh**Laugh**Laugh**Laugh*

Yeah, this one started out kinda dark, but then ended up with that song running through my head. Thanks, Max.


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Review of The Fun House  Open in new Window.
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Tom Buck Author Icon. I came across your story in this week's Horror/Scary Newsletter. Congratulations on being highlighted!

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your story. It is definitely a "page-turner". I like the way you introduced the characters as being friends and challenging each other.

But it is the setting that really makes this story exciting and scary. I don't think an abandoned amusement park has been used quite as effectively as you did. You brought new life to the setting by using a funhouse with all its gimmicks and tricks to something we've seen before and bumped up the horror a notch. Or two. *Smile*

Great job! Thank you for the scary read!
Alex


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8
8
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Humble Poet PNG - who? Author Icon! I came across your story under the "By Online Authors" link. I'm glad I did. I love the tongue-in-cheek humor of "why did the chicken cross the road?" It offers new insight on their motives, goals, and reasons we never even knew existed.

So the society has launched a new $2.7M study to figure out why the "grass is always greener on the other side"?

Their conclusions might be as interesting.

But probably not.

Thank you for the laugh,
Alex


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9
9
Review of The Moonlight  Open in new Window.
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, JessTheMess Author IconMail Icon. I came across your story in the Read a Newbie section. I enjoyed reading it, especially the little twist at the end. I think some of us readers were expecting the wolf to attack, instead of retreating. Nice touch.

One of the things I noticed is switching from past tense to present tense. It's confusing when you go back and forth, so pick a tense, and stick with it.

Also, go easy on the adverbs. It's something that I still struggle with. The first two paragraphs have eight adverbs in them, so try to describe the action without using a lot of adverbs.

Great job! Welcome to WDC!


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10
10
for entry "Do Ya Wanna Taste It" Open in new Window.
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Seeing John Cena (swoon!) stone-faced with dorky dance moves is hysterical! And Robert Patrick doing a pelvic thrust. Love it!

I had not heard of Wig Wam before, so this song is a great introduction.


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11
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Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Dylan. I came across your story in the "Read a Newbie" section. The title is a great hook, but I didn't see in the story where anyone had crossed the main character. He has an unrequited love with his counselor, but that's not crazy at all. *Laugh* Were you planning to write a follow-up or expand on this story?

The blurb for your story says the 18 year-old is mentally ill, but he seems normal to me. Uh-oh. Maybe that means I am, too? LOL

Great read, Dylan!
Thanks!


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12
12
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Stephen. Congratulations on being featured in this week's Horror Newsletter.

Great story and I enjoyed reading it. I was confused a bit about the parenthetical question marks: (?)

"It took a couple of minutes to find the right door. At first, I thought they found the right front door to enter the house. Then I realized they found the "right" door where Bill was feeling the bad vibes?

Thanks for the great read!


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13
13
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Wonderful story, Max! I love the Star Wars references. You wrote Yoda so well I read it in his voice!

Thanks!


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14
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Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Sci-fi Writers Guild  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi, shyguy42 Author Icon. I came across your story in the “Please Review” page. I enjoy the fantasy, magic, action/horror, and gay themes included here.

I made some comments/suggestions below, but remember they are my humble opinion only. Take what suggestions you like and ignore the rest. This is your story!

First thing, your story could benefit from a simple review for spelling, punctuation, grammar, spacing, extra words, and repeated words. Another reviewer mentioned avoiding adverbs, and I totally agree. The word ‘quickly’ is used a lot. When writing action scenes, trust the reader knows that a lot is happening very rapidly, so we will read ‘quickly’ into a lot of places without having the word on the page. *Smile*

Another thing to be aware of is avoid ‘telling’. At the beginning, the story was in the pov of the elf and was well-written. Great job! But starting with “The sealed door was their only…” it felt as if someone else was reading the story to me. It is important to ‘show’ the reader instead of ‘tell’. Keep the story in the elf’s point of view. Think about:

“I don’t have to remind you that this door is our only way out of this labyrinth,” the elf shouted.

“Yes, dear,” the orc responded. “I’m trying to make out the language on this lock, but it’s in an ancient dialect and I need time to decipher it.”

With growing alarm, the elf noticed more undead, entering the chamber and approaching them.”

Just a suggestion.

Give your characters names so you don’t have to keep writing ‘the elf’ and ‘the orc’ all the time. Since this is fantasy, you can make up names! *Laugh*

What I liked best is having gay male main characters. I think we need more LGBT content in fantasy stories! I find it interesting that an orc is one of the main characters and in a compassionate, heroic role. Usually they are depicted as evil beings, so this is a refreshing twist on the them.
I also liked the hook at the beginning of the chapter. Right away, we are in the midst of the action and that helps reel in the reader. Try to come up with a hook at the end of the chapter to make the reader want to read more. It seems that they found the heirloom they were looking for? What do they plan to do with it now?

Great job! I look forward to reading more about the elf and the orc!

Alex

Comments/Suggestions/Corrections:

The elf swung one of his axes plunged an axe in the ribs of one of the undead warriors an undead warrior. Quickly he followed up by burying his second axe in its neck, taking its head clean off. He kicked the body away towards another a second undead who swatted the headless body away with its shield. Taking advantage of the opening the elf rushed in and with a twirl and a battle cry added another beheading to his count. As the body undead fell he quickly turned to his left, blocking a Warhammer strike by dropping to his knees and catching the shaft in the cross of his axes. A terrible roar left the undeads' undead’s mouth as he pulls pulled at the hammer attempting to free it. The elf willed himself to stand firm, his tired arms struggling to to hold the hammer, and the fool creature holding it , in place [Check the punctuation here.] He glanced behind, sweat nearly dripping in his eye, and yelled ,.

[New paragraph]

'Beloved, I must insist that you hurry up. I cant can’t protect you from this many undead for long.'

'I'm going as fast as I can !' Shouted his Orc companion shouted, standing in front of the mechanism built into the door, sealing it.

Flanked by two statues of warriors from a forgotten time. [Use a comma here instead of a period.] The Orc mages' mages usual rough low tone of voice had a panicked edge to it. His eyes {x]}dated darted from the opened book he held and the lock.'

[New paragraph.]

I need to get this right or this place will be our tomb.'

The sealed door was their only why out of the mountain labyrinth now, the way they came in now cut off by the undead. The only hope they had to open it was to translate the language written on the lock itself. However the language was as old as the statues and his lover needed time to decipher it…

[This is all telling.]

His aim ring true and his target dropped as well but unlike the pervious previous combatant not permanently.

He gasped in pain, turning his head to see the the ugly face undead that had stabbed him. The elf gathered his strength a headbutted the zombie away. Only to turn into a shield, bashing him square in the face. As he fell to the floor the zombie warriors gathered around him, getting ready to bludgeon him to death with whatever weapons they had. Suddenly the chamber filled with sunlight causing the undead to groan and shield themselves. They were then attacked by a barrage of fire balls.
[Try to avoid passive voice. Consider: “Without warning, a barrage of fire balls swarmed the zombies, igniting their tattered clothing.” Another author might word it better. *Smile*]

I trust you still have the the item?'


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Review of Bar None  Open in new Window.
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, M. S. Bird Author Icon. I came across your story in the Short Story newsletter this week. Congratulations on being spotlighted!

I enjoyed your story, even though not a lot of questions were answered. Who is the main character? Who is the bartender? Who was Leah and what happened to her?

Still the story kept my interest from the opening sentence, which is a great hook. I could see this played out in a Sin City-type movie with Bruce Willis or Mickey Rourke. It read that way to me.

Great job!
Alex


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Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, PennyInPocket Author Icon. I came across your story in the "Please Review" section and enjoyed it very much. It does get a little stomach-churning at the end but still a great read.

My favorite line:

"Sacrilege, I won't allow you to contaminate my consummate potion with such poisons."

Thank you for the chuckle!
Alex


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Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Jillian Montgomery Author Icon. I came across your poem in the "Read a Newbie" section.

Your words convey a son's anguish over his mother's silence or non-communication with clarity. One can easily hear the hurt in the son's words.

Just a couple of things.

The past is over and I know I'm to blame 2258773

[The bitem number for this item is at the end of the first line. I don't think you want it there. *Smile*]

I'm ready to forgetand forgive.

[Add a space between "forget" and "and".]

Write on!


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Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, HeartStyle Author Icon. I came across your story in the "Read a Newbie" section.

Your story could benefit a lot from just simple spell-checking, punctuation correction, and formatting. For example, when Grace's parents are talking, start a new paragraph.

Be sure to check for consistency. In the opening sentence, you introduce Grace as a young girl, but later, we learn that she is past 16. So she is in her mid to late teens.

It's best to end with a great hook, something to make the reader want to keep reading. *Smile*

Write on!
Alex


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19
Review of To be young again  Open in new Window.
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Soundtrackers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Dale Author Icon. I came across your work from the "Read a Newbie" page. I enjoyed your article on to be young again. I think you ask questions nearly all of us do when reach a certain age. What would we do if we had the chance to be young again. Counselor Deanna Troi from Star Trek: The Next Generation said we'd all love to get a second chance at life without the pain of growing up.

Your story also reminds me of the Twlight Zone episode Kick the Can about elderly people getting the chance to become young again.

One little nit-picky thing:

"...crushing the bottle to through throw it away."



Thank you for a thought-provoking essay!



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Review of Night Terrors  Open in new Window.
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Soundtrackers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Author Joseph J. Madden Author Icon. I came across your work in the "Read a Newbie" section. I enjoy a good horror story and yours did not disappoint. It has a great hook at the beginning and kept my interest until the end. Great job!

A couple of things I noticed.

"...he grabbed the Winchester rifle from over the door that had belonged to his father." When I first read this, I thought the door belonged to his father. *Laugh* Perhaps: "...he grabbed the Winchester that belonged to his father from over the door."

"The boy had broken bones and never showed...". Earlier Dan finds his son unharmed and then I read this sentence, thinking that he actually had been hurt in the attack, but realized you must have been referring to past experiences. Thank about: "The boy had broken bones before but never showed..."

JMHO!
Great job!
Alex
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Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Philippe Author Icon! I came across your story in the "Read a Newbie" section. I enjoyed reading your story about Willie Pete.

I have never heard of the term "Misery-Guts" but it quickly became apparent. *Laugh* I especially like the scene at the funeral, where Uncle Tom and the rest of the large family all seem to be cut from the same cloth. And the story about Aunty Gwen.

I was confused about one sentence though:

"Well, it came to pass one day that old Willie Pete did too,..."

What did Willie do? Did you mean to say "died" instead?

Great story!
Alex


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22
Review of Midnight Spirit  Open in new Window.
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Burning Boat Author Icon! I came across your work in the "Read a Newbie" section. I usually don't review poetry but your dark poem captured my interest. I enjoyed reading it, especially how it becomes a portent of things to come.

It reminded me of the Twilight Zone episode Spur of the Moment when a young woman on a horse keeps getting chased and terrorized by an older version of herself.

Great job!
Alex


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23
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Brian Chase Author Icon! I know you haven't been on in a while but I came across your work while searching for satire.

I really enjoy the tongue-in-cheek humor of the terrors of sea gulls, those Masters of Evils! *Laugh*

But I especially liked the part about taking notes on who roots for the Seahawks and Eagles, but importantly Jets and Patriots! Love that! *HeartP* (I'm a Ravens fan!)

Great piece!
Alex
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Review of Broken Past  Open in new Window.
Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Bruce Myers Author Icon! I like your story. It has a great hook at the beginning and at the end. I want to keep reading. Good job!

I have some comments and suggestions, but remember they are my humble opinion only. If you like a suggestion, great! If not, just ignore and move on. It is your story!

Perhaps in the beginning, a little more "showing" than "telling". Instead of telling us Sarah is confused and scared, show us. The next sentence shows us she is confused: "How is she here?" So consider adding something to show us she is scared. Maybe the eerie silence unnerves her, or a slight noise outside makes her jump and shriek. JHMO. *Smile*

The walls are peeling at the seems with the dirty yellow color, moss slowly eating away at the cement as if it were a monster of the plants.

I'm thinking that you mean the wallpaper is peeling off the cement walls? If so, how about "Wallpaper peeled at the seams, exposing the cement behind, being consumed by moss." Another author might word it better.

At the beginning of Chapter 1, we read...
Sarah stepped out of the room to see what would be wating waiting beyond..."

Then in the last sentence of the same paragraph: "...she stepped out of the room." She steps out of the room twice. *Laugh*

Lastly, avoid passive voice and use active voice instead. For example: "It was a long corridor with what seemed to be no end. Its smell was musty and smelled of urine." Consider: "She peered down a long corridor that seemed to extend into eternity. The smell of mildew and urine assaulted her nose."

Great start, Bruce! I look forward to reading more of your work!


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Review by Alex Morgan Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Sci-fi Writers Guild  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hi, PureSciFi Author Icon. I came across your story in the “Please Review” page.

My comments are just my humble opinion. If you like a suggestion, great. If not, just ignore it and move on it is your story.

I’m trying to figure out what is going on here, but it’s a little confusing. It starts with Nathum talking to forty people, saying the tour is over. What were they touring?

It appears that the group of people are going to be living in a tent for eight months, while they determine if they can live on the surface again after living underground. After the introduction, nothing else is said about their mission.

The rest of the story goes back and forth from being bored and how long they have been there. Jassina mentions that they go there twice a year. So a year on Galvian is longer than sixteen months?

There also seems to be an issue with mixing males and females, but no indication of why that is a problem.

Then there is a mention of having fun, but what sort of fun are they having? Again, it seems that mixing males and females is contributing to the problem of having fun.

Your story would work better if there was a definite goal for the characters and whether they attain that goal or not. Nothing seemed to be resolved.

Also, there should be some conflict between some of the characters.

Adding these two elements to your story would make it work a lot better.

Write on!

“Most of you will be trying to solve the reason why we have been living within Galvian for almost nine hundred years,” continues Nathum. “And when we can return to living on Galvian again.”

I had to read this several times before I figured it out (I think). The people have been living underground on Galvian, and are hoping to return to living on the surface? If so, consider making it clearer than just switching prepositions.

Is it important that the reader be aware there are twenty-seven males, not counting Nathum, and thirteen females?

And nothing has changed. Except for us being both male and female here.”

Jassina says nothing has changed except for them being male and female. What has changed about them? Have some of them changed genders? *Shock*

Almost two hours later Jassina returns. “You have been gone a long time. Is there something wrong?”

Why is Jassina asking that question? She is the one who has been gone. Who responds to her question? Cacspon?

What do they need protecting from? Who took the time “protecting us”?

“Sorry about that,” says Patrinna. “But I didn’t get too much sleep last night because of some fun after the day was over for our us.”

“It sounds like your boredom problem is going away,” says Patrinna smiling. “It’s about time. I was starting to think that mixing males and females there wasn’t going to solve it either.”

Did you mean for Nathum to speak the second line? Having Patrinna speak both parts is confusing.

All we do know is that we have been here three-fourths of six four and a half months.


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