Hi Whitemorn. I was rather intrigued by the poem I read just minutes ago and decided to take a peek at your portfolio. I find so far, you are a poet who travels the traditionalist role for the most part. I love what you do with words. You show great word choices and your story here, flows. I've decided I don't want a wolverine as a pet! alf
Hi Whitemorn. I smiled, laughed, nodded and grunted agreement all the way through your poem. Apart from the words of wisdom that tumbled from the lines, your poem has great meter and the cadence flows like smooth water over mossy rocks. Can you tell I loved this poem, I hope so, alf
Hi Magoo. What a great poem. Love it when people save animals. My son collected all sorts of hurt animals and restored them to health. Your word choices are great, the lines flow from one to next progressively and with apparent ease. A joy to read, alf
Hi Sleeping Forest. I found this poem has such haunting words that seem to cry out for recognition of existence. This is written from the heart and evokes sadness in the reader. So many in today's world have feelings of confusion and loss. You have depicted those thoughts really well, alf
Hi there. So many, many thanks for this informative set of hints. There is so much happening on this site I have been overwhelmed by the newness and unknown. I shall begin to follow the advice given here. Thank you again, alf
Hi Timaashorty. I love it when a poet commits thoughts of the present into poetry. This is well written with a great flow. I much enjoyed the read, alf
Hi Spanky De. This poem evokes such sadness in the reader, the telling is straight forward, explains the emotion felt and flows so well. I have never been a terrific fan of free verse, but every now and again, one catches my attention as yours did. Beautiful, heart-breaking, and so very good, alf
Hi Luke. I loved this. So many of us can write fluently about so many things, but trying to put on paper THE reason for writing and clouds and mists appear in the mind. Crazy? I reckon so. I liked the way you put this together, alf
Hi little-Ronnie. What a great entry into the contest. What a transformation you have made and so well described in your poem. good rhythm and cadence, I so enjoyed the read, alf
Hi the scribe. I didn't read the first drafts of this so am unable to comment on any improvement you may have made. For me, the story flowed well enough and the collection of thoughts that travelled in the Gill's mind were authentic, but I found the lack of dialogue made this seem more of a dull report than an exciting romance story. Your writing is good, the setting great, the direction always heading towards the climax, but would be so much more empowered by snippets of remembrances in dialogue form. Having said that, the tale is well told, alf
Hi Machka. The story line is strong. The main character is credible right through to almost the end. Here, I find her personality wavers in throwing herself from the window. I feel this action would better be placed after he had ravished her body, still, that is just one opinion.
For me, there was an overuse of adjectives and adverbs in the opening sentences that interrupted the flow and brought impatience at a time I feel I should be being drawn in to the story. the writing was great, just too much superfluous description - taking most away would lead to a wonderful opening paragraph.
Hope I have no caused offence with my comments, but I feel you have potential here for a great story and would like to see those small discrepancies tightened into prose befitting the intent. Still enjoyed the read, alf
PS. I would be happy to read this after an attempt at re-writing is made, with a view to upgrading my assessment, alf
Hi timaashorty. Well what a wonderful piece of imagery you have portrayed here. In and out of a dream, the erratic thought pattern, and the wondering . . . Held me spellbound. A few puzzles, one being 'in still motion'. Was he motionless, or was he moving in 'slow motion'?. That phrase distracted me from the page for a moment, and the question was still in the back of my mind as I finished reading. Perhaps you might re-word that. All in all, a good story and an easy read, alf
Hi Rhycus. What a powerful and emotive poem you have delivered to this contest. Media, law enforcement, and National security are all areas rife with corruption. You have given this expose in brilliant style, in the confines of verse with an emphasis so apparent at the end of each stanza. Love it!! alf
Hi Alexander Holiday. This poems seems to be the product of deeply introspective thought. I like the way you have put this together, a neat little package speaking a gem of truth. alf
Hi Barbrella Claus. How I love a success story. Takes an awful loft of effort to shed extra weight, so if this is a biographical story, my hat goes off to you. tha poem is great, reads well and flows with the telling, akf
Hi taylor paape. What a beautifully poignant picture you have painted with your words. The loss of innocence . . . how sad it is when it is lost. I like the repetition in the verses as added emphasis. Enjoyed the read, alf
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/alfcollier/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.31 seconds at 10:54pm on Apr 18, 2024 via server web2.
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
