I really liked this piece. Myself I could picture me in the heavens looking down on humans on the earth trying to make something amazing out of their life.
That was my first impression.
THe second was a picture of a grand and proud planet teeming with intelligent life alone in space. The life is "fragile" as you say but daring.
Your use of descriptive words is excellent.
The rhyming added to the flow and I wanted to keep reading!
No spelling or grammer errors.
Well done.
I was almost hesitant to read this because I have lost my dear mother and it's still so hard to bear day to day. Yes it brought tears to my eyes as I knew it would but it was a truly beautiful piece.
It's so true about mothers. We do sometimes take them for granted but trust me when she is gone our life is truly empty.
And so I am going to award this piece because it did touch my heart and I thank you for that.
My only nit pick if I may: a few of the I's are small i and they should all match.
Thanks again!
Yeah I have to agree with the majority of peeps on this one. I have known people with a 30 year age gap (an no not Jack Nicholson haha) and they are amazing together. I have known people the same age married for 50 years! So hey when it's love who are we to question?? Great poll!
Ohhhh this piece actually gave me shivers! Well done indeed!
So you had said that white represents blight and emptiness, which is great because white usually stands for purity and hope.
By changing the context of normacly you forced us to picture something we see every day in a different light. You used very powerful, descriptive words and by the end I was wanting more. I could picture in my mind images of death and despair, and not ones made up but images from CNN and the local news.
The stanza's had their own rhythm and flow and overall I must say ~Bravo~
Very interesting premise you have here. For such a few short lines you used very descriptive and powerful words. The subject of blood can conjure up so many images in peoples minds and spur many discussions about what it stands for and how it's shed.
I was just a bit disapointed in the lack of substance and the objective of the piece. Were you discribing a particular event? Such as a current on going war? Or perhaps how blood represents life that is lost too soon? I would like to see you add more.
Keep up the good work!
~bravo~
These words almost had a shaskpearean feel to them! Very poetic indeed. And yet they carried such a familiar message with them. I could feel the pain of the woman perhaps battered by abuse or an affair? Could be emotional pain or physical. I could picture both! Well done!
You told a story that I was able to picture myself in, feeling love and yet hateful pain at setting myself free.
My nit pick: 5th stanza - 1st line: "time" shouldn't be times right? thought it sounded better "this time..." but that is just me.
Keep up the good work!
Very interesting piece. I can tell you put a lot of thought and care into it.
I could picture a man, alone, at sunrise thinking of the woman he loves and wanting to be with her more than anything. But they are apart. He wishes her well and then grimaces when he thinks her with someone. I can feel his anguish and pain.
I can't help but wonder though what drove them apart? Was it a betrayal? A death? A misunderstanding? His? and he wasn't forgiven? that would be my conclusion.
No spelling errors except for in the title itself. You are missing an "e" like in the title of the poem.
Otherwise well done and keep up the good work!
Wow this piece was so emotional my eyes welled at the end. Sadly were I live we just had two foodbanks robbed. HOw sad at this time of year.
You painted such an anguished image of a little girl, left by an abusive father only to suffer from the same kind of brother. I could see the poor mother strugling to keep her family together but knowing it was almost uslessless.
And the kindness in the childs heart to reach out to others despite herself being so low.
Perfect spelling and punctuation!
Well done!
Well done!
Well great start for a song. I can't write songs so I can't offer much inspiration on lyrics except I did notice a few things you might want to consider.
I get the sense of the song that the person is bitter and angry. They did so much for someone they love but it wasn't returned or appreciated. You want them to feel what it's like to give so much and get nothing in return. To me that's a great setting b/c I think at one time in our lives we all faced that. And for a song to make a person think "wow he knows what i was going through" is pretty powerful.
My nit pick:
Verse one - 3rd line: I think to remove "where" just confusing with the that which makes sense.
Verse one - 9th line: breathe has an "e" on the end.
Verse two - 2nd line: ands I think you added an uncessary "s"...otherwise and works!
Keep up the good work and when it's a single let us know!!
You are a poet for sure! I love the rhytm in this as I can't make poems rhym to save my life! Your use of descriptive words once again is amazing. I can picture the woman, draped in black alone in the cemetary, anguished b/c she obviously sent her lover to his death. Wow! well done!
My little critque if I may:
Break into two stanzas. My suggestion would be at the end of fate.
My nit pick:
8th line-you have the S in she in caps but the other she's in the poem in small...
Keep up the great work!
First all I can tell you like to write poetry. This piece is no exception. Your use of descriptive words is excellent and you forced a mental image of a woman in the clouds remembering her past. I could picture her clothes, which again you described in detail.
I liked the use of free verse b/c the piece wasn't tied to any hard and fast rules.
My one question - who is the "you my old and dearest friend?" was it a lost mate? a lost lover? a lost friend? or "the man?" who is he?? I was given this amazing memory but then left to wonder who in the end warranted such special attention. Just a humble observance.
My picky eye found a spelling error:
7th stanza down, 7th line, 6th word - should be "knew"
Keep up the great work!
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