What a thoroughly enjoyable tale you have weaved. And a great message that many children certainly need today. Beautifully written. Couldn't pick up any spelling errors etc. The flow was perfectly paced and keeps the reader going with it.
Well done. Hope you have more enjoyable tales to share.
Wow!! Love this. Congratulations on writing such a lovely piece. I have to admit, to me poetry still is the rhyme in the verse that gets me every time and you have executed this perfectly. It weaves a lovely tale, it had me at the first two lines.
LOVE LOVE LOVE this and agree with you completely. This is so well written, honestly, well done. A couple of spelling mistakes but who cares when this message is so important and so real. We have destroyed and keep destroying mother earth who gives so much and asks nothing in return. I truly believe, even though I know it is an extreme answer, that human kind needs to be erased and started again. Or does it? Would a do over be any different? You would surely hope so. Mother nature does not need us. If she wiped us from her home she would rebuild, regrow. Overgrow our horrendous mistakes and take back what is truly hers. Nature does not need us. We need her. But we give nothing back. We are a disgrace and I can't see it getting any better. I would not blame our gracious mother if one day she sends us all into oblivion.
My goodness. I can't tell you how much I loved this. What a beautiful piece of writing and I can connect to it so deeply.
I love the message, I love the old Crone and the dog. I am Wiccan/Pagan in my heart of hearts. I may not practice it outright or on a daily basis, but it speaks to me always and since I started this writing journey, it is slowly returning to me more and more. And this piece of writing is another sign for me.
I love the simplicity of the tale but it holds so much within it. You have captured this beautifully.
Nice little piece of writing. Very simple but says so much at the same time. A lot of people would be able to connect and understand what you are saying here. I like your connection to a train, I can see how you can relate life to just that. I like the part of how you invited people in but they are worse than the loneliness, totally get that.
Well done, hope you continue to write pieces like this.
You raise some very good questions in this piece. It is simply written but it speaks to many human behaviours. I agree that in today's society a lot of people do kindnesses if it will suit their purpose and they get something from it themselves.
I like writing that makes people think and addresses human behaviour today.
Very clever. Love the rhyme throughout, and could really feel the almost panic of what we do when this happens. Which is crazy for me as I grew up without all of this and did exactly what you wrote about, read a book, go fishing etc. I am glad I grew up when I did.
Love this piece of writing and can so relate. I really like "Valley of Trials and temptations"
It is a simple piece but can certainly pack a nice little punch, especially for those who have been there a time or two.
Nicely written and I hope you have continued going higher and farther.
Wonderful story. Well written. Nice and short, keeps the reader engaged and love the concept of learning to appreciate all that we have, even the smallest most mundane things are important and everything is connected. Hope you write more.
Wow this is a very unique piece nicely written. I needed to read it a few times to grasp what was going on.
Great idea you have put to the page and loved the poetry piece within. Very cleverly written. Nicely done. Hope you keep going.
Nicely written piece. Keeps the readers interest moving throughout. No spelling errors etc that I could see. It is nicely paced, plenty of description and dialogue to keep the reader engaged and the ending makes you want the story to keep moving forward. Well done. Will there be more to this story?
Enjoyed this. Had to read it a couple of times to grasp the meaning , doing two things at once lol
It is a true little piece of poetry with very clever working and phrasing. Hope you intend to write more. Well done.
Wow. This is a very powerful piece. It speaks to how there is still some hope for the human race. There is still kindness out there, people willing to help others in their greatest time of need and struggle, the kindness of complete strangers.
Wow again. You know how to capture the despair. Just reading that for me brought back a lot of memories from a very very low point in my life. A very lonely, scary, uncertain time where I had no idea what was happening and how to fix it.
Thank you, your work is heart wrenching but also completely relatable, how it should be.
Well done
Wow, this spoke to me. I have been here and so I could relate very well to what you have written. It will touch a cord with people who share this unfortunately sad experience.
It was well paced, no overuse of too much descriptive language or fancy wording, just plain, simple and from the heart which really is all that needs to be used when talking about such a dark place.
I truly hope you are ok and I am glad that you find writing an outlet to share your experience.
I found your story quite interesting and cleverly told. It was nicely paced and not over the top with descriptive wording which sometimes can detract from the simplicity of a story. Not that yours was that simple, it held a lot of depth as well which was what I found most clever.
I can't really think of any helpful feedback as I for me it was a nice little read. Keep going, hope you have more to come
I enjoyed reading your poem. It had a nice flow to it and a nice overall message which spoke to me and really is what life is all about right? Sometimes it just takes simplicity to make our life complete and happy.
Same sort of feedback really as When a boy becomes a Man. Just watch sentence length as it is a bit overwhelming and also this one had a lot of long paragraphs as well which look like a wall of words when confronted with them to read.
An enjoyable tale of father and son adventures and making memories.
First of all, good for you for posting your story here to be shared and receive feedback.
I did enjoy your tale of a boy becoming a man and your descriptions were written well enough that I could picture the environment the young boy was in, the men around him, drinking, eating, watching tv etc, real man's man kind of stuff so well done.
I would watch my sentence construction however as there are a lot of VERY long sentences that can be quite tiring for lack of a better word. Some of the words you use to try and be descriptive too might not actually be correct or just seem out of place. Other than that I enjoyed.
Brand new newbie here today. I uploaded a poem for my first create new item and it went easily no issues and ended up on Read a Newbie
Tried tonight to upload 2 chapters of my novel and even though they are there, I can see them in my portfolio I can't see them on the Read a Newbie list like my poem. I have been googling the questions as to why like crazy but nothing seems to make sense and I also can't seem to keep my default changes to stick, like wanting my chapters to come out newest last so they are actually in the right order. I have paid to upgrade my membership but wondering if it's all going to be too hard for me.
I very much enjoyed reading your poem which is steeped in history.
You described the warriors well and you could sense the quiet, the years going by as they stood immovable, waiting. You brought this to life very well.
Loved how you referred to them with children playing with them like a war game and the ending was perfect. Well done, keep writing
I am an only child and can relate 100% to what you have written here. Well done, as I am sure it will resonate with other only children as well.
I particularly resonate with the second chapter and the way your wrote it was perfect to bring those thoughts and feelings from myself as well.
It may be that I connect simply because I am an only child as well but I also think it was well written in that it was not a long winded "woe is me, I'm an only child" whinge but simple depiction of what being that only child is for you. Simple, easy, not over the top. Keeps you reading. Well done.
I feel that you have the potential for an interesting murder mystery here however there are a few things to improve.
There are a lot of spelling mistakes throughout, missed letters in words etc which catch the eye pretty quickly as you read along.
I also feel that to keep the readers interest you will need to be more descriptive with your writing as it is very straight forward and plain if that makes sense. A lot of very short sentences as well that could be joined together by more descriptive writing. There is no real feeling towards the characters, their personality etc, they are at this point in time just names and not much more. There is a lot of potential here though as I said above that you definitely keep going with. Dont'let the story die.
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