Hi Weirdone-Back in the games  ,
I'm reviewing your story as part of "Invalid Item"  .
 First impression:
I loved this as an opening story. You have injected both action and humour into your story, and you can never go wrong with that combination with me.
General impressions:
Your story had a smooth flow to it, and the dialogue felt natural and helped to move the story along. You have also managed to write three very distinct and developed characters with their own voice for such a short piece. Your story held my interest from start to finish.
You came up with a very clever and fun ending to the story of how your twins overcame the wizard, and I especially love how the ending was set up so early in the story. What at first seemed like a simple jest, turned out to be a deciding factor in the twins victory.
The scene with Richard and Lila washing in the lake was nicely done. I loved how they reminisced over their bath-time when they were younger.
Favourite parts:
I loved Richard's typical big-brother reactions to Lila, and her reactions to him. Their give-and-take was a thoroughly enjoyable feature in this story and was a lovely counterpoint to Volton's brusqueness and arrogance. Your ending, where you show the relationship between brother and sister, was so sweet.
Line by line suggestions: There were a few things I noticed while reading, most of these can be picked up on a final re-read prior to posting. These are included in the dropnote below. Your original work is in black, specific suggestions are in indigo, and additional notes/explanations for the change are in orange.
Line by line suggestions ▼
he kept muttering things like, "Blast it!"
he kept muttering things like "Blast it!"
In this case, you would not need to include the comma. This is not a speech tag, but rather a quote of what the wizard was saying. You have correctly included the speech marks (as you are directly quoting the wizard), but would not usually expect to see the associated end of speech punctuation (though the question mark and exclamation mark are the two exceptions).
you could try saying something like, 'Please get out of the way so I can pass."
you could try saying something like 'Please get out of the way so I can pass'."
For the same reason as above, you don't need the speech tag comma. You also do not have a close single quote. There is a difference of opinion as to where the period should go (before or after the close single quote) depending as to which style guide you go by. I prefer to use the above style so that the end of speech punctuation is clear (the single and double close quotes can become merged if they are typed next to each other).
Nothing in this place listens to me. ＂
Nothing in this place listens to me.＂
You have a space after the period. There are a couple of other sentences like this that need to be changed as well.
"Oh, for the love of-," said Volton looking at Richard again
"Oh, for the love of . . ." said Volton looking at Richard again
When someone trails off in speech you need to use ellipses and not a hyphen.
LIla looked at her brother quietly.
Lila looked at her brother quietly.
"You're ruining my hair-"
"You're ruining my hair—"
You need to use an em dash to indicate an abrupt interruption not a hyphen. There are several ways to insert an em dash with MS Word.
You can click on the Insert tab, and then the symbols group, and look for the em dash. Alternatively, you can press ALT + CTRL + -(the minus sign on the numberpad), or you do a find and replace (put the minus sign in the find box and ^+ in the replace box).
the twins were smearing mud on each other in a free for all.
the twins were smearing mud on each other in a free-for-all.
"free-for-all" needs to hyphenated. Unhyphenated it means that there is no charge for anyone, whilst hyphenated it means fight, brawl, ruckus etc.
"How did the rest of the song go.
"How did the rest of the song go?"
You need to close the speech marks at this point because Lila has finished speaking. You also need a question mark here and not a period.
there were a few other things the twins didn't .recognize
there were a few other things the twins didn't recognize
"Then, she calmed down.
Then, she calmed down.
See? It{s crying."
See? It's crying."
The wolf spread its wings with satisfaction."
The wolf spread its wings with satisfaction.
"Oh well," said Lila, " Let's get go meet the elves."
"Oh well," said Lila, "let's get go meet the elves."
Since you are carrying the speech on after the tag, you do not need to start the second half of the speech with a capital letter. You also have an unnecessary space after the second open quotes.
Lila said, "so, it looks my brother,
Lila said, "So, it looks my brother,
Closing remarks:
I'm really intrigued by Lila's Doolittle-esque gift for talking to nature the way she does. I'll have to have a read of your character introduction story and your other CLASH entries when I get the chance.
Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!
Andy~hating university
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Lord Andy~Sunspear of Martell
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