|I apologize in advance if my suggestions offend.
First, in my opinion, using "I" is an unnecessary risk, and the essay would be safer in third person. The reader already knows it is your opinion so there is no need for you, the writer, to state it or to use "I."
Second, my impression is that Spider Man seems to be the link to NYC. Start your first sentence strong with a hook. With each subsequent paragraph, make a connection to Spider Man. It may mean re-organizing the format of your essay.
If you decide to vacillate between the present and the future, or the present and the past, make your transitions more clear to the reader with definition or vocabulary. This is also a place to incorporate imagery or context. For example, "foggy web of a morning" instead of foggy haze (assuming Spider Man is a central figure to the essay).
Your essay assignment is to tell where you feel most content, if NYC is the place, it may not be necessary to talk of other places. Ask yourself if it strengthens or weakens your paragraph.
The ending of your essay is as important as the hook at the beginning. If you use your current ending paragraph, as an example, maybe research the Spider Man theme song and borrow some of the lyrics instead of using cliche's.
Good luck with your college application process!