I apologize in advance if my suggestions offend.
First, in my opinion, using "I" is an unnecessary risk, and the essay would be safer in third person. The reader already knows it is your opinion so there is no need for you, the writer, to state it or to use "I."
Second, my impression is that Spider Man seems to be the link to NYC. Start your first sentence strong with a hook. With each subsequent paragraph, make a connection to Spider Man. It may mean re-organizing the format of your essay.
If you decide to vacillate between the present and the future, or the present and the past, make your transitions more clear to the reader with definition or vocabulary. This is also a place to incorporate imagery or context. For example, "foggy web of a morning" instead of foggy haze (assuming Spider Man is a central figure to the essay).
Your essay assignment is to tell where you feel most content, if NYC is the place, it may not be necessary to talk of other places. Ask yourself if it strengthens or weakens your paragraph.
The ending of your essay is as important as the hook at the beginning. If you use your current ending paragraph, as an example, maybe research the Spider Man theme song and borrow some of the lyrics instead of using cliche's.
Good luck with your college application process!
Just Me
Misfit,
I just reviewed Malice, then I came across this poem. I like your style.
Your voice is a strong element, I like the line "Shame still not present here" to illustrate the "loudest" line where I heard your voice.
There is a tease aspect that was well done by planting the bait early, and continuing to lure all the way to the end.
The title is perfect.
There isn't anything that I can suggest to improve/revise/edit.
Keep writing!
Just Me
Dear Misfit Joker,
Sounds like you know a narcissist!
Very cleverly written. My only suggestion is to consider "reject" or "detest"rather than "deject." to me, deject makes me think of dejected, then I think of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.
Good job with the tone.
I like the twist at the end.
Just me
Resistance Writer,
What I liked about your article is the subject matter.
My only suggestion to improve your piece, would be to state a solution following "major changes" in the last paragraph because without backup, it is meaningless. Or better yet, offer solutions.
Preaching to the choir-
Just Me
Smiley,
You are off to a great start! Your chapter is interesting and the dialog is realistic. A couple of things for you to consider:
the nurse confused me- the body language makes her seem like a dungeon guard but she speaks with concern so when she says she doesn't want to see him again, I don't know if that was sarcasm, or if she's just exasperated. Maybe a few context clues would develop her character a bit more. Second, there are a couple of typos in the part with the Evans family. Last, I think you changed tenses in the second to last sentence. To stay true to the point of view, the tense has to be consistent.
Writing technically is the easy part- writing interesting is not something that everyone can do. You can.
Best wishes!
Just Me
hope75,
Great job! You have a good, strong hook at the beginning and a fantastic ending. The character is very believable. The development of the story is robust-it happens via narration, dialog, plot and setting.
What I didn't like about the story, and this is just my opinion-I worked in the Criminal Justice System for a decade- but as a reader I do not want to have empathy for a death row convict. At the end, the revelation made me feel justified in my aversion for Lomas.
Your sub-title indicates this story is about his last day on earth. Maybe it is more about his first day in Hell? The story might be enriched by expanding on the role of the "victim" in this story. She's very mysterious and I like how you revealed her little by little. That part was really interesting.
Again, my intent is not to judge, and I have a tendency to be too direct, so please pardon any offense.
No pun intended!
JustMe
Christyjo,
Like yourself I am a newbie to WDC. You know your writing best, and my comments are in no way meant to judge your work. Shattered is a very powerful and provocative essay. I am borrowing reviewing format from a kind person who recently commented on my writing.
First Impression: I thought this was about a break up at first, and at the end I thought it was more about dodging a proverbial bullet. I noticed two grammar errors in the first couple of sentences.
Subject matter: The title "Shattered" implies pieces of something that was at one time intact. I believe there is a more descriptive title for this essay. You conveyed the pain and emotion extremely well. The middle of the essay is the strongest and most believable.
Things that worked: The use of parallels with the weather and emotions makes it more interesting. But it also confused me. In the second paragraph I thought maybe it was about sex. In the third paragraph there is a hint that this is about someone dying. The last paragraph summed it up: life, hope, love.
Final thoughts: Very poetically written and the strongest element is your ability to convey emotion.
Hopefully you are enjoying this writing and reviewing community as much as I am!
Best of luck in all of your endeavors!
Jasmine,
The poem is very descriptive concerning the pain. It evokes emotion. The majority of the poem has one voice except for the last phrase which has its own voice and maybe even a new point of view. I love the step down and grow up part. That makes me think of lyrics from One Republic- Counting Stars. It also confused me because if the 2nd to last verse is about being disowned by offspring then the last verse is about letting go which to me is quite different than being disowned.
Other than limericks for contests I avoid poetry so I am really not qualified to review poetry-maybe all Newbies feel that way?!
Keep on writing and sharing!
Just Me
Voice is the strongest element in this sample. Only criticism is the title because the perspective about the grass is greener is a dual perspective and this piece is singular perspective.
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