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Theme/Subject Matter:
This really struck a cord with me, as someone who has been bullied and seen people been bullied and not done anything about it (though more out of fear than anything else.
Originality/Creativity:
I was half expecting something else, something like this would have a happy ending and I don't even know why but I'm glad it didn't. There is reality in this ending, as brutal as it is.
Emotion/Impact:
I feel guilty and sad. Any emotion created by poetry, by words, means it has merit, has done something but the intensity in which I feel this speaks volumes.
My Favorite Part:
He prays for strength and does not find it. It's not a nice thing but it's well done.
My Suggestions:
I don't think you necessarily needed to capitalise the word OUR in the last line. I think it's strong enough to get the point across with it, to be honest.
I am definitely Adam in this, I too love to browse and pick out a book. I like the atmosphere you've created here, a little bit of mystery and wonder.
A couple of things I noticed. I don't think "old wives tale" is the right phrase here - I always associated that with remedies and superstition. I think myth might be better.
The last sentence doesn't read particularly well, it either needs breaking up or rewriting.
Great list of links, that worksheets and plot beat one looks really interesting. Also I liked the Review templates one cause I used to have one but as you can see, I no longer do.
One thing - one of your links is broken - you have one too many { in your Writing ML. :)
I like where this is going and what you're trying to stay here. I live with depression and anxiety too and relate to some of this. I like the way it ends, it's not a positive end but sometimes there isn't one. Though this can be seen as more of a cliffhanger I suppose.
You definitely need a good proofread though, not all of it makes sense.
This feels like two poems in a way, both good and bad versions of a conversation almost. I kinda like that though it may not be what you were going for.
There is a little confusion when reading the second stanza - "I haven't betrayed you even though"
This line could use a comma or something, just to indicate a pause or break, as on the first read through or so, it reads a little odd, like the grammar is incorrect, even though with the second line it makes sense.
Wow, this is really in-depth, more so than I expected. I want to thank for this. I usually review poetry and have my own style though it varies depending on the poem and my mood but these are good ideas to add - I don't always consider mood which is odd - especially as I am a poet.
This is good for everyone and I particularly like the way to you stress not to stress.
Also, I like the formatting. There's a lot here but you address that and highlight bits and make it easier to read.
Short but says a lot. Perhaps some of the lines could do with being shorter in places but I like some of the descriptions of being a writer. The first line is the best, my favourite. I think "in the zone" would look better in italics but it doesn't change the way I read the poem too much.
Is this written to particular form - it's not one I recognise off hand if it is so I couldn't tell you if its good in that regard or not. The language is good, I like the effort you've put into sticking to the style throughout and making it work so well. It doesn't sound forced or contrived at all which is something that I find happens when people try to write in a style or language that's long gone.
I think the dashes need spaces after them because I keep trying to read those lines too quickly and my eyes see this as one word almost 'return-thy' and 'relent-thine'.
This is really sweet. Short and to the point, says a whole in those few lines, those few words.
The rhymes, for the most part, work really well, though my mind stutters slightly on intertwined and mind. It seems like it could be darker but it's wrapped up in that final gorgeous line making beautifully sad.
I like the tone of this, a sort of whispering that ends on a melancholy note. It leaves me feeling a little anxious in a way like I know where this is going and it's nowhere good but you have to go with it, follow it through to the end regardless.
I wonder about the lack of punctuation. I've never been a fan of capitalising the first word of every line and without punctuation, it means that the only idea the reader gets of pauses or emphasis in the poem are the line breaks and capitalised words.
Something to think about. Not every poem needs punctuation or even grammar, but it needs to have something that helps the reader hear it out better in their minds.
It gives off this dark vibe like it's going to be about something terrible but it ends so differently. It's a true love poem, the romance of reality and I like that a lot.
I'm not a fan of poems where every line starts with a capital letter because they always feel a little jarring when I read them. And you've used question marks but no other punctuation so to the average reader the only indication of pauses are the line breaks and the capital letters.
The images you created and the language used are great though and with a bit of tweaking could be amazing.
This is quite whimsical and I like the picture you create for us of your summers. I don't like the exclamation mark but I do like the lines:
"campfires flickering,
and fireflies blinking"
Wonderful.
The punctuation on The Lake is great, we all had places like that, they had actual names but we just called them the pond or the lake or the shops.
There are a couple of bits missing. This stanza:
"I remember,
Grandma and I
sit under the trees
enjoying the cool evening breeze."
doesn't read right. Is there a word missing?
And this line: "if the caught any fish"
Should it be "if they caught any fish?"
And the last line works well with the alliteration but I'm sure it should say 'tell tall tales."
I like the easy free flowing form you've found here, much like summer itself.
I like the imagery this invokes but I do not like the form. I find capital letters at the beginning of every line somewhat jarring. It creates a pause when perhaps that's not what you intended when you've not finished the preceding line with a full stop. Some punctuation added in places might help and reading the poem out loud can help you find the rhythm of it.
I really like this line: "That glimmer of hope left on the shelf."
Good work. Keep writing.
I like this a lot. Makes me think of flowers pollenating. I like the tone of it a lot, it's quiet and understated. I'm not sure if it's following a form but the second stanza seems to stutter slightly as if there is a full stop somewhere there shouldn't be if you see what I mean. As if left and right should be on the proceeding line.
I like it a lot though, it's slow pace is a gorgeous.
I like this funny little story - especially the bit about your brother having given Anna a scorpion in a lolly once. The dialogue is fine - you know who is speaking every time and it sounds natural.
The writing itself needs a little work - it feels a little clunky here and there as you describe things. There is no need to be so formal because it's non-fiction. Write it as if it were fiction, let the words flow.
Also there seems to be odd places in which there are two spaces between words, instead of just one. Same as after periods and the next line. Sometimes one and sometimes two. You might want to check that and clean it up.
It has potential but I find that starting the all three paragraphs with "As I lay here," means the first two feel a little unfinished like they are going no where until that last paragraph. I wonder if starting them with -"I lay here," might be better.
In this part - "who's beauty unfortunately coexist amidst a fear of that unknown" - did you mean to write "coexists"? The singular doesn't quite seem right.
It's long almost winding sentences are perfect for this type of poetic prose, I like that very much.
General Thoughts
I like the imagery in this and it has an unexpected but not unwelcome ending. It's quite lovely.
Form
I find the first half of the poem very hard to follow. Those first nine lines blur into one and I'm not sure where the pauses are supposed to be as the comma's do not seem to help but hinder. Plus with every line being capitalised - something I personally don't like - I just find it too hard to read despite the excellent imagery.
There is also a typo in this line - "YOu're never near to being lone."
Final Thought
A nice poem that could do with a little editing to make it easier to read it.
Remember this is just one poet's opinion. The next review might be entirely different.
General Thoughts
I really like the compare and contrast idea for the two different kinds of hunger - you do it very well.
Form
I wonder if the way you segue from one stanza to another could be improved somehow, perhaps with a dash or ellipsis to connect the two and make it the jump between stanzas and perspectives.
Final Thought
Painfully honest poem, brutal in places. Excellent work.
Remember this is just one poet's opinion. The next review might be entirely different.
General Thoughts
There needs to be more sci-fi poetry I think. This is beautiful, though I feel the description should either be less...descriptive, or part of the poem itself. I explains more than it need, and if this were in a book or a lit mag, the description would not be there, so you need to consider the either or of that description in the future. I feel these lines -
"Till the stars burn dry, so... huh.
Like to lend some fuel maybe?"
Or at least from the 'huh?' on don't quite fit with the tone of the rest of the poem. I love the 'stars burn dry' bit.
Form
I really like the slow pace this takes, emphasised by the ellipses.
Final Thought
A great poem with just a tiny bit of room for improvement.
Remember this is just one poet's opinion. The next review might be entirely different.
General Thoughts
An important message, I really like that you've written about this, and it's a decent poem. A couple of pointers - "But it’s that one who will decide," should it be "the one who will decide". To me that makes a little more sense and sounds a little better. Also using "ads" seems like a hard sounding word to use when used with all the others, and perhaps their is another medium you could use. Perhaps "television and music" would be good. These are just my suggestions though.
Form
A good use of a final short stanza, I like that in poetry, it really ends a poem well and strengthens the overall message.
Final Thoughts
Good poem, important message, might need a couple of changes.
Remember this is just one poet's opinion. The next review might be entirely different.
General Thoughts
I like the way you've contrasted the before and after of depression, I can certainly relate to some of these feelings. There are some lines here I really like - "never ringing true the joy
now lost."
and the final line is good, I like the idea of losing the very core of you and the way you've expressed it.
I would say however, that you consider losing the double spacing. I find it harder to read poems when they're double spaced like this, and it means that any line breaks between stanzas are lost as they're not as clear as they could be.
And think about looking over the genre's in WDC, this is definitely emotional and perhaps dark.
General Thoughts
This poem feels like it needs a few words added here and there and few taken away. It's a good poem but not quite right. "down poured rain" sounds very clumsy.
"I gasp as I run." Seems far too short compared to every other line, and might need extending or changing.
"Concerned left behind by broken will," - in this line do you mean 'Concern' or do you mean 'The concerned' I was left a little confused.
This line - "I shutter with lack of sense." - I assume you mean 'shudder and not shutter." - It makes for a clumsy line either way.
These two lines though - "A wrinkled past that makes one ill,
I stand with absent heart. " are wonderful however and I know there is a good poem in here, just needs a little work to bring it out and make it shine.
Form
You keep to the rhyme scheme and use strong full rhymes which work well, and make sense in the grand scheme of the poem, keeping it's message throughout. Perhaps keeping to a syllable count might help with some of the flow of the poem.
Final Thought
It's in there, it just needs work. Trying reading your work aloud and see if that helps.
Remember this is just one poet's opinion. The next review might be entirely different.
General Thoughts
A sweet poem, but hard to read with this formatting. You really need to dial back the double spacing on the lines because it's hard to see what the actual line breaks are and any stanzas you're trying to create are completely obliterated. I like some of the sentiments in this poem, this line in particular is nice - "To my existence grant sense." There is also a couple of lovely descriptions here.
Form
Any form is hard to see with the formatting I'm afraid.
Final Thought
Could be a great poem. Some nice lines.
Remember this is just one poet's opinion. The next review might be entirely different.
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