Love the poem, I like the way you've shaped the words, so all the 'sometimes' all line up, and the long line and shorter 'stumps', could be like the river themselves. It's nice to look at as well as read, which, while not often important can be a factor.
I don't really know what this is poem is about, it seems to start off as one thing then becomes about another altogether. It's a little confusing at first and then you get into it. It's enjoyable, and the colours are nice. The first line of the second stanza has a slight error. "What as I waiting for?" - 'What was I waiting for?' or is it 'What am I waiting for?'
Also one stanza towards the end is in pink and then black. Is this intentional? if so, you might want to consider separating the black lines with a line break and creating another stanza of their own.
This gives me chills, which is a good thing. It's a great poem with a good rhyming structure that really works, with no hiccups. I worry that some of the lines are too short compared to the line before, which means it doesn't read as well. Perhaps reading it out loud would help.
This stanza in particular stands out for that reason:
"My flesh now hangs in sanguine strips,
an arcane offering.
A noiseless scream falls from my lips
yet to this pain I cling."
This is so sad, perhaps a little over done in places, but it's obvious it's an our-pouring of emotion. If you were thinking of editing it, I would suggest that perhaps this stanza:
"Where the family
Where the happiness
Where the holidays
Spent together"
As it reads a little oddly. Either an 'are' or taking away the 'where' might help.
Lovely. It makes me think of my own nephew and how much I love him. It could perhaps do with a little editing on the longer lines, to make it flow a little nicer and make it an easier read. It really gets across how much you love him though and how special he is to you and the to the world.
Great poem, you should try and read it out loud, because I think it would sound really good. If you read it out loud to yourself you can tweak it a little then, so see where the rhythm or flow of it needs a little work. Love it though. My favourite stanza is this:
Romantic fantasies coursing through cavernous logs
marked with soot and ashes
smudged with smoke and spirit
mesmerized by scarlet embers
that embrace the fevered mistress
it feels fast, like it needs to be read and spoken at some speed.
It's an interesting poem, I do like it, but it needs to be cleaned up a little.
In this line: "My brother’s and I herd the song humming in our ear,
I'm assuming you mean heard and not herd.
I really like this:
“To arms! Grab sword and shield , I say”,
was the song the horn did play,
A lot. Though the comma seems out of place.
This line We cry, “Our shields are strong our swords are sharp and we are not afraid to die!”,
needs breaking up to make it easier to read.
And this line Till death gripped my brother’s soul and squeezed till like a river his blood did run,
I find very hard to read but not sure what you need to change.
It's a really good poem, it has this weird feel to it that I really like, a true fantasy feel but darker all the same.
The last few lines of this are really very good, very nice. I don't like the format much, I think you need to work on that to make the rhythm of the piece clearer, the pace, so the reader tie certain lines together, and seperate others. For example I gather these two lines:
"Knowing that 'stength '
Lies in moving on"
are to be read together, so to speak, but this isn't clear until you read the piece over a couple of times. Also, you've missed the r out in strength here.
I like it, very descriptive, without being overly wordy, though 'buff' is a word I'm unfamiliar with in this context. It's the sunrise, I assume, or I read it as the sunrise, but I'm left with questions, about this quest, about the character/person writing this poem.
I like it, very dark. Quite scary. It's a good poem. A couple of issues I see. In the third stanza, the first couplet is considerably shorter than then second couplet and it throws the rhythm off a little.
In the final stanza, I don't understand this line :"The desire to survive feels everything strange"
I really like this. I write a lot of short poetry myself, and love it.
It's not cliche but it is angry and gets it across well in so few words. Actually for so few words, it's like a little story, having that beginning, middle and end.
This is good, I like the tone of it, dark, rain swept in atmosphere.
I dislike the line 'the first cut is the deepest' because it's so cliche when the rest of your poem stays away from most of the typical self harm stereotypes.
I really like the last two lines, this is a great piece.
That is upbeat and it has a beat. I like it, 1,2 1,2. It works really well.
I think, personally, that you should change 'treasures' to just 'treasure' so that it rhymes perfectly with measure, to keep the flow going and so nobody trips up on it.
And the last line might sound better with the 'And' not being capitalised because it when it makes the word sounds too harsh and again you trip over it and it ruins the flow.
I like that the last two lines are dramatic. Though, the poem kind of leans towards the speaker feeling this passion, therefore perhaps she would be the one to take the life of her lover.
Also, I don't think you need the today on the end of the last line. I think
"Tonight I will die in your arms, or,
I will die by your hands."
This is really good and funny too. I understand completely about wondering what other people are doing. I do it all the time. Make up funny and sometimes fantastical things to explain it.
I love the way it ends.
The way it's broken up with one line or two lines makes it a little hard to read. Especially when you go off on a tangent about the broccili and perhaps that bit needs to be seperated more clearly.
great poem, some really good imagery. With some more punctuation to break up the lines a little it might be better but I like the continous flow of it.
Great poem. It ends better than it begins and while it's worth holding out for it can be a bit off-putting. The flow in first stanza is confusing, you want to use a rhyme but put it in the wrong place. If you could re-work it a little it would start perfectly.
The line
"Like as Eve bit from the apple"
doesn't sit right with me. It sounds grammatically incorrect somewhere. Something to think about maybe..
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