Greetings Amay ,
This concludes my port raid for you on behalf of "The WDC Angel Army" . Here are some of my notes on your wonderful story!
Plot:
A woman wakes up to find her mother running and screaming through the house at 3:00 in the morning, at which point she must calm her down and convince her that she's okay. We then find out at the end that it's Black Friday, but I wasn't sure what significance that had to the story.
Characters:
The narrator, the mother, and Tim. I would've liked to know the narrator's name.
Setting:
In the narrator's home.
Narration:
The pacing was good, but I didn't really see what the goal was for the main character. I know she wanted to get her mother to take her sugar, but was that it?
Dialogue:
The dialogue was good, and I felt the desperation in the words.
Beginning and Ending:
The beginning started off on the right foot, with great dialogue and immediate action, launching right into the meat of the story. The story ended on a sad note, with the mother and narrator in their respective rooms, somewhat isolated, no longer spending time together like they used to. It makes me wonder if the mother has some sort of dementia...
Errors:
"Shhh, Mom, it’s alright." should be "Shhh, Mom, it's all right." There's another instance where it's written "Alright" so fix that again. "her breathing slowed, finally she quieted down" should say "her breathing slowed, and finally" etc. "take your sugar before you oatmeal gets cold" should say "take your sugar before your oatmeal" etc.
Needs Work:
The errors, and the narrator's goal.
Favorite Lines:
"She sat up on the edge of the bed. Rubbed her face, blew her nose. She looked so sad, so defeated. It killed me to see her like this." Very sad lines.
Summary:
This was a very sad story indeed of a troubled mother who has recurring night terrors, and her loving daughter, bless her heart, who takes care of her each time she has an episode. The husband seems like a tool to me; he could be a little more caring and compassionate, given the mother's fragile state, but maybe he was just irked at being woken up so early since he had to go to work soon. Still, the mother couldn't help it, obviously. I felt really bad for the mother, the poor thing. You've created a strong character that I sympathized with and instantly liked, so well done. Although it was a sad read, it seems like it could be the story of many folks out there, I'm sure, myself included (although it would be my grandmother, not my mother).
Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing!
April
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